19. Renza Mensah #3
Hearin’ Sha’Nelle had given me the first real breath I had taken in a month.
Losin’ her voice again left me empty all over.
It was Friday night and I was posted up in the section with Blaq and one of our potnas while bottles kept comin’ to the table and the DJ bounced from one song to the next.
The whole club was packed like always, and every few minutes somebody was walkin’ past our section speakin’, dappin’ us up or sendin’ another round over to the table.
Usually, I was in my element in this bitch. Usually, I was crackin’ jokes with Blaq, talkin’ shit, smokin’, drinkin’ and not thinkin’ about nothin’ outside these walls. By the end of the night, we normally had everybody in the section laughin’, and half the club knew where we was sittin’.
Tonight just felt different…
A couple women had wandered over not too long after we got there, and one of ‘em had damn near made herself comfortable next to me. She had been smilin’, rubbin’ on my arm and leanin’ close every time she said somethin’, but I wasn’t really givin’ her nothin’ to work with.
I answered when she talked, nodded when I needed to and took another pull from my blunt while my eyes drifted somewhere else.
Blaq looked over at me, then looked at the woman before shakin’ his head.
“Damn, Renza,” Blaqson said, shakin’ his head while he looked from me to the woman sittin’ beside me. “She been throwin’ herself at you for damn near twenty minutes, and you still ain’t gave her nothin’.”
I looked over at Blaq for a second before takin’ another sip of my drink. Then I shrugged one shoulder like it really wasn’t no big deal.
“I guess,” I said.
The woman looked at me like she thought she heard me wrong. She reached over and nudged my shoulder with hers before lettin’ out a lil’ laugh.
“I know you ain’t just say, ‘I guess,’” she said while searchin’ my face for some kinda reaction.
“I did,” I replied. “What else you want me to say?”
She rolled her eyes, but she was still smilin’.
“Well, damn. What I gotta do to get you to loosen up?”
I looked at her for a second before shakin’ my head.
“Nothin’,” I told her. “You cool. I just ain’t on that tonight.”
She studied me like she was tryna figure out if I was playin’, but when she realized I wasn’t, she let out a sigh, slid off the couch and wandered over toward another section where a group of niggas was already lookin’ her way.
Soon as she walked off, Blaqson laughed to himself and pointed his glass at me.
“You cold,” Blaqson said. “Most niggas would’ve been all over that.”
“I ain’t cold,” I answered while settin’ my drink back on the table.
Blaqson smirked. “Man, quit lyin’. The hell you ain’t.”
I shook my head and leaned back against the booth.
“I just ain’t in the mood.”
Blaq looked at me for another second like he already knew what that meant.
He ain’t press the issue ‘cause he knew me well enough to know I wasn’t gon’ keep talkin’ if I ain’t feel like it.
Instead, he took another pull from his blunt while the music kept thumpin’ through the club, and I found myself sittin’ here with my drink in my hand, thinkin’ about the same woman I been tryna stop thinkin’ about for damn near a month.
I had been tellin’ myself every day that I needed to let Sha’Nelle go.
She made her decision when she stayed in Greystone, and I had made mine when I stopped chasin’ behind her.
At least, that’s what I kept tellin’ myself.
The problem was, every time I picked my phone up, I ended up on her page anyway.
She still ain’t called me like she said she was gon’ do. She ain’t even text a nigga.
She had been postin’ on her story every damn day though, and I had watched every last one of ‘em like a damn fool. I was lookin’ for her every time I opened that app, and that shit was startin’ to get on my own nerves.
I watched every single story and post without missin’ one, and every time her face popped up on my screen, I caught myself starin’ longer than I should’ve. She looked happy. She looked fine, and looked like life was movin’ right along whether I was in it or not.
Meanwhile, I was sittin’ in a club full of women that would’ve gladly left with me tonight, and I couldn’t make myself care enough to entertain none of ’em.
I wasn’t about to start fuckin’ on random bitches just ’cause my feelin’s was bruised. That wasn’t me, ’cause for one, I ain’t trust everybody.
For another, I knew how my dick was set up.
I wasn’t finna be layin’ up with just anybody, then spend the rest of the night listenin’ to somebody cryin’, complainin’, or damn near panickin’ ‘cause they couldn’t handle what they was so damn eager to get a few minutes earlier.
That shit sounded like more stress than peace, and peace was all I had been chasin’ lately.
I leaned back in the booth, took another pull from my drink and let my eyes wander around the club. The music was hittin’, bottles kept comin’ to different sections and money was still flyin’ through the air while folks danced like they ain’t have a care in the world.
Usually, this was the type of shit I lived for.
I would be somewhere in the middle of all the chaos talkin’ shit, smokin’, clownin’ Blaq and damn near closin’ the club down.
Tonight, though, none of it was doin’ shit for me.
I felt like I was sittin’ in the middle of all this noise, but my mind was somewhere the fuck else.
Blaqson watched me for a minute before he finally leaned over and bumped my arm with his.
“You good?” He asked while lookin’ at me sideways.
I kept my eyes on the crowd for another second before answerin’. “Yeah. I’m straight.”
He studied my face for another second like he was thinkin’ about callin’ my bluff. Then he reached for his drink instead and nodded.
“A’ight,” he said. “I ain’t gon’ keep fuckin’ with you.”
Another twenty minutes rolled by, and I tried to make myself stay, but the more I sat here, the more I wanted to leave.
The liquor had started settlin’ in, and I could feel that warm buzz workin’ through me. I wasn’t sloppy drunk, but I had enough in me to know I ain’t need another drink.
I pushed my chair back and grabbed my keys off the table. Soon as I stood up, Blaq looked over at me with his drink still in his hand.
“Damn,” he said. “You really finna dip already?”
“Yeah,” I answered while slidin’ my phone in my pocket. “I ain’t really feelin’ this shit tonight.”
Blaq looked around the club before cuttin’ his eyes back at me. He looked at me for a second like he was tryna read what I wasn’t sayin’. Then he leaned back against the booth.
He reached up, and I slapped his hand before he pointed at me.
A’ight then. Don’t disappear on a nigga.”
“I won’t,” I replied with a grin. “Be easy.”
“You too.”
I walked out the section, nodded at a couple people on the way through the club and headed outside.
The night air cooled me off a lil’, but it ain’t clear my head the way I thought it would.
Soon as I climbed behind the wheel and pulled away from the club, the silence inside my truck made my thoughts louder than the music ever was.
I drove a few miles before my hand reached for my phone before I could talk myself out of it. I unlocked the screen, found Sha’Nelle’s name and hit call while I kept one hand on the wheel.
The phone started ringin’, and I found myself starin’ through the windshield, waitin’ on her to pick up. It rang again, then one more time before her voicemail finally answered. I tightened my grip on the wheel and let out a breath through my nose.
“So that’s how we doin’ it now,” I muttered to myself while the voicemail started playin’ in my ear.
I should’ve left the shit alone. Hell, I should’ve let this shit go the second I heard her voicemail pick up, but my thumb had already moved before my pride could stop it. Soon as the call ended, I hit her name again and held the phone to my ear one more time, hopin’ this time she was gon’ answer.
This time I let the voicemail pick up before I started talkin’.
“Baby… I don’t even know why I’m callin’. I guess ’cause I miss you.”
I laughed to myself, but it wasn’t nothin’ funny about the shit.
“I been tryna leave you alone. I really have. I figured maybe if I gave you some space, you would come around whenever you was ready.”
I rubbed my hand across my beard while the road stretched out in front of me.
“I just don’t get it, woman. I love you. I treated you good. I know I fucked you good. I would’ve took care of you. I will still take care of you.”
I shook my head. “Damn… if you don’t wanna talk to me, put Phat Mama on the phone? How she doin’? I know she miss me.”
I sighed and shook my head again. “I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to come be with me.”
The words kept comin’ easier than they should’ve.
“I ain’t even gon’ lie to you. This shit been fuckin’ with me.”
I talked on the voicemail until that bitch hung up. I dropped my phone in my lap, but kept glancin’ at the bitch every few seconds, hopin’ I was gon’ see Sha’Nelle’s name light up, but it never did.
The longer I drove, the more I realized that call probably wasn’t comin’ tonight. I tried to let the shit go, but my mind kept driftin’ right back to her anyway.
A few minutes later, my phone started ringin’.
For a split second I thought it was Sha’Nelle callin’ me back. Soon as I picked the phone up and looked at the screen, I saw Reni’s name instead. I stared at it for a second before answerin’.
“Wassup?” I asked while keepin’ one hand on the wheel.
Music blasted through the speaker before Reni finally answered.
“Renza…”
Soon as she said my name, I could hear it in her voice. She was drunk.
“Wussup?”
She was quiet for a second before she finally spoke.
“You think you can come get me? I drove my car but I been drinkin’ and don’t wanna drive.”
I glanced out the windshield while thinkin’ about it.
I rubbed my beard before lettin’ out a low breath.
“What club you at?” I asked.
I ain’t gon’ lie, I was fucked up my damn self but after she told me, I flipped my blinker on and eased into a U-turn.