Trill-Land #2
Pressure shrugged. “Nigga, it ain’t plain. It ain’t loud in a forced way, but you notice it soon as you see it.”
“That was almost deep,” Kay’Lo said while lookin’ toward Pressure. “Therapy got this nigga sayin’ thoughtful shit now.”
Pressure cut his eyes at him. “Shut the fuck up.”
I reached for the blue diamond and held it under the light. The stone was deep enough to look almost dark from one angle, but when I turned it, flashes of blue moved through the center. The white diamonds around it made the color stand out without takin’ away from it.
“This one,” I said while settin’ it back on the velvet.
The jeweler nodded like he already expected that answer. “The center stone is just over nine carats. With the surrounding stones, the total weight is nearly twelve. The band can be resized once she accepts.”
“When,” I corrected him. “Not if.”
Kay’Lo lowered his head and rubbed his hand over his mouth, but I could tell that nigga was tryna hide a laugh.
“What?” I asked while lookin’ at him.
“Nothin’,” he answered. “I ain’t say shit.”
“You makin’ a face.”
“I’m just wonderin’ how you got all the way to ‘when’ and ain’t talked to the woman in two months.”
Pressure looked toward him and said, “Let him finish bein’ delusional before you bring facts into it.”
I leaned back and stared at both of ‘em. “Y’all supposed to be supportin’ me.”
“We are,” Pressure replied. “That ring hard, and I know you love ‘Nelle. I’m still surprised yo’ ass sittin’ here buyin’ an engagement ring after puttin’ her nigga in a trunk.”
“That ain’t got shit to do with this.”
“It got everything to do with this,” Kay’Lo said. “She blocked you, nigga.”
“I know she blocked me,” I replied. “I also know ‘Nelle. She mad now, but she ain’t gon’ stay mad forever.”
Pressure rubbed his beard while lookin’ at me. “And what make you think she gon’ go from blockin’ you to marryin’ you?”
“‘Cause I ain’t askin’ her to come live in this mansion no more,” I told him. “I’m gettin’ us our own shit. I’m done tellin’ her what she gotta do without showin’ her what I’m bringin’ to the table besides money and problems.”
Kay’Lo’s expression changed ‘cause that was the first time I had said the whole plan out loud.
“I know where I fucked up,” I continued.
“I kept thinkin’ ‘cause I love her and could take care of her, she was supposed to drop everything and follow me. I ain’t give her no real picture of what she was followin’ me into.
She thought I wanted to take over her life, and shit, I probably did.
I still wanted that woman all to myself, but I gotta give her somewhere she can still be herself. ”
Pressure watched me for a long second before noddin’. “That part make sense.”
“I ain’t say I’m finna turn into some calm ass nigga who let her do whatever,” I added. “I’m still me. I’m just done makin’ her feel like lovin’ me mean she gotta lose every other part of herself.”
Kay’Lo leaned back against the couch. “You really been thinkin’ about this.”
“Every damn day,” I admitted. “I ain’t sleep right, eat right or enjoy shit the same since she cut me off. I tried givin’ it time, and all time did was show me I don’t want no life that don’t got her in it.”
The jeweler stayed quiet while we talked, but his eyes moved between us like he had walked into more than a jewelry appointment.
I reached down beside my chair and pulled the black duffel bag closer. When I opened it, stacks of cash filled the whole thing. I ain’t know whether the nigga normally accepted cash for pieces like this, but the look on his face told me he would today.
“This cover it?” I asked while turnin’ the bag toward him.
The jeweler looked inside before noddin’. “It covers the ring and the custom work we discussed.
Once everything was packed, the jeweler stood and shook my hand. Pressure had one of his men escort him out while Kay’Lo reached for the ring box and tried to open it again.
I slapped his hand away. “Quit touchin’ my shit.”
“I was lookin’, bitch,” Kay’Lo said while leanin’ back. “Damn.”
“You looked already.”
Pressure picked up his drink from the table and stared at me over the rim. “I ain’t never thought I would see this version of yo’ ass.”
“What version?”
“The one buyin’ a ring and talkin’ about buildin’ a house for a woman who won’t answer his calls.”
I looked down at the box in my hand and ran my thumb across the top. “I ain’t never met nobody worth doin’ all this for.”
Kay’Lo nodded toward the ring. “You gotta plan it right. You can’t just pop up in her city with that bitch and expect her to forget everything.”
“I know,” I answered. “That’s why I ain’t gone yet.”
That was probably the hardest part. Every piece of me wanted to get on a jet tonight, knock on Sha’Nelle’s mama’s door and make her look at me until she remembered what we was. But I had already spent too much of our relationship movin’ before I thought.
This time, I needed to show her I heard everything she had been tryna tell me.
I needed the house handled, the apology right and every loose end in my life closed before I stood in front of her. I couldn’t ask Sha’Nelle to trust me while Reni still thought there was a chance or while I was livin’ like the same nigga who tossed that nigga in a trunk ‘cause my pride got hurt.
That ain’t mean I regretted showin’ him who had more power, though.
I just understood now that scarin’ Sha’Nelle wasn’t gon’ make her feel safe enough to love me.
“She always give in to me eventually,” I said while lookin’ between my cousins. “I know she love me. I just gotta stop givin’ her reasons to run before she get a chance to stand still.”
Pressure’s eyes stayed on me. “And if she say no?”
“She ain’t,” I replied without hesitatin’.
Kay’Lo sighed and shook his head. “There go that delusional shit again.”
“I know what my soul want,” I told him. “And I know what hers want too. Sha’Nelle just got a habit of lettin’ fear talk louder than everything else.”
Pressure gave me a look. “Or she might really tell yo’ ass no.”
“Then I’mma ask again later.”
Kay’Lo laughed and looked toward Pressure. “See why there ain’t no point in talkin’ to this nigga?”
I ain’t give a fuck what either one of ‘em thought. They had they women and understood what it felt like when one person became attached to every plan you made for your future. Pressure had damn near died behind Pluto, and Kay’Lo had gone through hell for Toni.
They knew love ain’t always come wrapped in good decisions.
I slipped the ring box into my pocket and leaned back against the couch.
If Sha’Nelle agreed to marry me, this wasn’t gon’ be another promise I made in the middle of emotion and forgot once I got comfortable. It was gon’ be the start of me buildin’ my own life and doin’ it with her.
I wanted a house with her name attached to it.
I wanted mornin’s where I reached across the bed and found her instead of another cold pillow. I wanted to hear her complain about my shit all over the floor, argue with me about what color we should paint a room and tell me I was gettin’ on her nerves before climbin’ into my arms at night.
I wanted every hard part too…
I wanted the arguments, the compromises and the moments where I had to listen instead of forcin’ my way through. I wanted to learn how to love her without makin’ her feel trapped by it.
Marriage had never made sense to me before Sha’Nelle but I realized I had never met nobody who made forever sound better than freedom. Now freedom ain’t feel like shit without her.
I looked toward Pressure and Kay’Lo while they started talkin’ about what I needed to have in place before I went after her.
I had the ring. Now I needed to build everything around it.
When I finally stood in front of Sha’Nelle again, I wasn’t only gon’ tell her I loved her and expected that to fix what I broke.
I was gon’ show her the life I had created space for, explain where I went wrong and make it clear that she wasn’t walkin’ into somethin’ already built. We would build it together.
I ain’t know exactly when I was goin’ to her city yet, but I knew one thing for sure.
The next time Sha’Nelle saw me, I wasn’t comin’ to drag her home.
I was comin’ to ask her to build one with me.