Chapter 9
Greystone Cemetery
Today was our last day in Greystone City, and I wanted to come see my mama before we got back on that jet.
I had been thinkin’ about it since we first landed, but every time I got close to actually doin’ it, I would find some reason to put it off another day.
Part of me already knew how this was gon’ feel.
The cemetery was quiet while Kay’Lo drove slowly through the rows, and I stayed lookin’ out the passenger window with the flowers in my lap.
My’Love was in the backseat babblin’ to herself while she kicked her feet against her car seat.
Every now and then I turned around just to look at her, ’cause somehow lookin’ at my baby made everything inside me settle a lil’.
The trip itself had actually been good despite the family drama.
The first day we got here, we went to see Grandma Glo, and even with all the tension that came with bein’ around family again, I was still happy I got to hold my grandma and love on her.
The next day, Sha’Nelle, me, and Kay’Lo spent the whole day out with My’Love ’cause he wanted our baby to actually experience the city instead of just sittin’ inside somewhere.
We took her downtown to this huge aquarium where the lights glowed blue all around us and fish swam over our heads. My’Love sat in Kay’Lo arms the whole time, starin’ up at everything with wide eyes while he laughed at every reaction she made.
“Look at my baby,” he kept sayin’ while kissin’ all over her face. “She in here fascinated.”
Then later, we walked her through this garden with colorful flowers, butterflies and lil’ fountains splashin’ water up from the ground.
My’Love laughed so hard every time the water popped up near her shoes.
Kay’Lo kept liftin’ her high in his arms while she squealed and grabbed at his chain, kickin’ her feet every time the water splashed again.
After that, we went out to eat again, and Kay’Lo ordered enough food to feed an entire table by himself like he always did. He kept slidin’ food on my plate while My’Love sat in her highchair smackin’ mashed potatoes all over her bib and throwin’ crackers on the floor every chance she got.
For a lil’ while, life actually felt good again. Me, Kay’Lo, and My’Love had spent the last couple days laughin’, eatin’, walkin’ around with our baby, and just enjoyin’ each other without all the extra noise around us. It felt peaceful.
But now we was here…
Kay’Lo finally parked the truck, and my stomach tightened the second I looked ahead and spotted my mama’s grave a few rows over. I looked down at the flowers in my lap for a second before slowly unbucklin’ my seatbelt.
Kay’Lo glanced over at me, and one thing about him, he always knew when to leave me alone with my thoughts.
He ain’t start askin’ questions or tellin’ me it was gon’ be okay.
Instead, he just reached over and rubbed his hand across my thigh before gettin’ out to grab My’Love from the backseat. Then he opened my door.
I walked ahead of them with the flowers in my hand, and every step started feelin’ heavier the closer I got to her grave.
When I finally stopped in front of it, I just stood there lookin’ down at my mama’s name for a second ’cause no matter how many years passed, seein’ it carved in stone still didn’t feel real to me.
I crouched and carefully removed the old flowers before settin’ the new ones down nice and neat. My hands stayed fixin’ them even after they already looked fine, ’cause honestly, I ain’t know what else to do with myself in that moment.
For a while, I ain’t say nothin’.
I just stared at her name while memories kept hittin’ me one after another.
My mama worked hard every day. She used to wake up early in the mornin’, fix my hair, make sure I had clean clothes for school, and somehow still made me feel taken care of even when we ain’t really have much. Then one day she left for work like it was any other mornin’ and never made it back home.
I was only a lil’ girl when it happened, but everything in my life shifted after that. Nothin’ felt the same no more.
Sometimes I really believed my life would’ve turned out completely different if my mama had lived ’cause I knew deep down inside she would’ve protected me. She would’ve never let me go through the shit I ended up goin’ through after she died.
All them nights I got touched on and ignored by people who should’ve protected me never would’ve happened if my mama was still alive. I believed that shit with my whole heart.
My eyes started burnin’, and I pressed my lips together while I tried to hold myself ’cause I really ain’t wanna cry out here.
Behind me, I heard My’Love makin’ noises against Kay’Lo’s chest, and after a second, I turned around toward them.
Kay’Lo was already lookin’ at me quietly while holdin’ our daughter close. My’Love looked so small in his arms, all warm and comfortable against him, and suddenly I felt emotion hit me even harder than before.
I reached for my baby, and soon as Kay’Lo handed her over, I hugged My’Love tight against my chest and kissed her soft lips.
She melted right into me immediately.
That almost broke me, ’cause I used to be that little girl who needed somebody to hold me like this. I used to be the little girl wishin’ somebody would save me, protect me, and make her feel safe after my mama died.
Now I was standin’ here holdin’ my own daughter while my husband stood behind me, lovin’ us both.
Life felt so different now that sometimes it overwhelmed me.
I tightened my arms around My’Love and rested my cheek against the top of her head while emotion climbed all through my chest. I never thought I would become somebody’s wife, and I definitely never thought I would become somebody’s mama either.
Standin’ here holdin’ my daughter while starin’ at my mama grave made me realize just how important it was for me to keep lovin’ and protectin’ My’Love the way I needed somebody to protect me.
At the same time, I wished my mama could see this version of me. I wished she could meet my baby. I wished she could see that despite everything I survived, I still found love somehow.
Kay’Lo stepped up behind me and wrapped both his arms around my waist while I held My’Love. He lowered his head and kissed my shoulder. Neither of us said nothin’ for a while.
We just stood together while the wind moved through the cemetery, and My’Love rested against my chest all sleepy and warm.
That silence between me and Kay’Lo didn’t feel empty, though. It felt full of understandin’, love, and everything he knew how to say without actually speakin’.
After a while, I looked back down at my mama’s grave and swallowed hard before speakin’ soft.
“I’m okay now,” I whispered. “I really am.”
My voice cracked a lil’ at the end, but I meant every word ’cause despite every horrible thing that happened to me growin’ up, I really was okay now.
I had Kay’Lo, and the way he loved me made it hard to even remember what loneliness used to feel like sometimes.
I had My’Love, too, my beautiful baby who depended on me for everything, and somehow in the middle of all the pain my life started with, I still ended up with a family and a home of my own.
I felt safe more than I felt afraid, and that alone was enough to make emotion sit heavy in my heart.
Eventually, I reached back for Kay’Lo’s hand and intertwined my fingers with his while still holdin’ My’Love on my hip. Then, we started walkin’ back through the cemetery together, and even though my chest still hurt a lil’, it wasn’t the same kind of hurt I used to leave here with.
This time, it felt bittersweet instead of empty.
When we finally made it back to the truck, Kay’Lo carefully buckled My’Love into her car seat while she blinked up at him all tired and quiet.
Then, he walked around to my side and opened the passenger door for me. Before I got in, he grabbed my face and kissed me while holdin’ me another second longer than usual.
“You good, baby?” he asked.
I nodded slowly. “Yeah.”
He looked at me for another second like he was makin’ sure, then kissed my forehead before helpin’ me into the truck.
Once he got in the driver’s seat and started pullin’ away from the cemetery, I leaned my head back against the headrest and stared out the window while the graves slowly disappeared behind us.
I let out a low sigh and rubbed my fingers together in my lap while I watched the city pass by outside.
As emotional as this trip had been, I was ready to go back home now. I was ready to go back to Trill-Land, back to our life, and back to the place where me, my husband, and my baby felt the most safe together.