Chapter 3 #2
She nods, blinking too rapidly. “Yeah, thanks. It’s no longer as raw, but it still fucking sucks. She was only fifty-two. Way too young for that shit, you know?”
I do know. God, I wish I didn’t. But this is not about me. I reach out and cover Birgit’s hand with mine, squeezing gently. “It does fucking suck.”
She stares at our hands, then looks up with an overly bright smile. “So yeah, that’s my story. What’s yours?”
Hmm, let’s see. I was betrothed to the son of my family’s enemies at fifteen and did my best to evade him for a decade while he stalked me and killed every boy and man who expressed any interest in me.
Said evasion ended when he stormed my brother’s compound with a small army, abducting me and forcing me to marry him.
Oh, and I’ve just learned I’m pregnant with his child and have brain cancer.
Yeah, I’m not telling her any of this. “Just visiting Geneva to see the sights, et cetera.”
She nods sagely. “Getting in all the travel before the baby comes, huh?”
“Something like that.”
Her gaze drops to my left hand, where Alexei’s ring is still adorning my finger. “You’re married?”
“Hmm-mm.” I transfer the ginger candy to my other cheek.
She cocks her head. “Where is your husband?”
Probably out looking for me. And before long, he’ll find me, bringing my impromptu escape attempt to an end.
I take a deep breath. This is it. This is my chance to ask Birgit for her phone so I can call my brothers and get the ball rolling on an actual escape.
Except… I would be endangering them. I mean, I know my brothers can more than take care of themselves and have the resources to fight off whatever my husband throws at them, but still, Alexei is ruthless, and he’s demonstrated that he’s willing to go to insane lengths to get me.
Or was willing. Either way, I can’t risk more bloodshed on my behalf.
“He’s…” I pause because I honestly don’t know what to tell her. “We’re temporarily separated,” I finally improvise.
“Ah.” She gives my stomach a sympathetic look. “I see.”
“It’s… complicated.”
“Uh-huh.” She meets my gaze. “I just got out of a ‘complicated’ relationship myself. The asshole cheated on me while my mom was in hospice. So if you want to talk or anything…”
“Thank you, but I should get going.” I get up—and nearly puke again as a wave of nauseating dizziness crashes into me.
Gasping, I sink back down and bend in half, tucking my head between my knees while sucking on the candy to stave off the black spots dotting my vision.
“Shit. Are you okay?” Birgit crouches next to me. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to a clinic or anything?”
“No, I’m…” I manage to lift my head. “I’m okay. Just nauseated again, that’s all.”
“You poor thing.” She pats my arm as I put my head back down again.
“This right here is one of the many reasons I got my tubes tied at twenty-one. Pregnancy sucks, birth is a nightmare, and then you’re stuck with a selfish little demon who consumes scarce resources and adds to global warming.
No shade on those who decide to procreate, of course,” she adds belatedly.
I laugh. I can’t help it. I laugh until tears run down my face, and I realize I’m actually crying.
Because I want a selfish little demon. I want the pregnancy with all its aches and pains, and the nightmare of a birth, and the exhaustion of postpartum.
I want to experience it all, and odds are that I won’t. Not with this baby, not with any other.
Even if I were to forego surgery and all the rest, I may not survive long enough to give birth. Not if the cancer is aggressive enough.
It’s damned if I do, fucked if I don’t.
“Oh, no. Don’t cry. I’m so, so sorry.” Birgit sounds like she’s going to cry herself as she pats my shaking shoulders. “I really didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay.” I sit up and rub at my wet face. “Seriously, it’s not your fault. I’m just a hormonal, emotional mess right now.”
“Right, right.” She sits back on her haunches, visibly relieved. “Do you want to come upstairs and rest for a bit? I share a room with two other girls, but they’re gone for the day, so it’s nice and private right now. You can crash in my bed and—”
“That is so kind of you, thank you. But I can’t.” I force myself to stand up and not sway despite another wave of dizziness. “I really do have to go.”
The longer I stay here, the more likely Alexei is to find me. If he’s looking, of course. But I’m going to assume that he is and act accordingly, which means leaving before he catches up to me.
“Go where?” Birgit asks, frowning as she rises to her feet as well. “You can barely stand. Unless… do you want me to call someone for you? Can anyone come get you? A friend? Some family, maybe?”
I shake my head, sucking on the candy for all I’m worth.
I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. The full implications of my predicament are just beginning to dawn on me.
I can’t contact any of my friends or family without putting them in Alexei’s crosshairs, and without their help, I might as well return to Alexei right now.
Even if he didn’t have unlimited resources with which to find me, I literally have nowhere to go.
I have no money—or rather, I have lots of money but no obvious way to access it—and no documents.
I can’t book a hotel, or take a cab, or cross the border. Or buy food, for that matter.
My stomach chooses that very moment to growl, as if to emphasize the seriousness of that last problem.
Birgit’s frown deepens. “Are you in some kind of trouble?” Her eyes widen, as if with sudden comprehension, and she lowers her voice. “Is it your husband?”
I try not to react. But I must flinch or otherwise give myself away because her expression turns grim and she nods, as if I’ve confirmed something.
“It’s not what you think,” I say quickly, but I can see it’s too late.
She thinks Alexei is a danger to me, which he’s not. Only to those around me.
For now, a tiny voice reminds me. Don’t forget your father.
I shut out that voice and focus on convincing Birgit. “It’s really not like that.”
“Then why are you out here all alone, with no phone or anything?” she asks, clearly not believing me. She runs her gaze over me. “You’re dressed like a million bucks, but you look like you’re on death’s door.”
There is a question in that statement, one I could ignore if I wanted. My predicament is none of her business. But she’s been so genuinely nice to me that I don’t want to ice her out. Or to lie to her any more than I have to.
“That’s… accurate,” I say, deciding to go for a portion of the truth.
I swallow the gingery juices that have pooled in my mouth, hoping to quell the worsening nausea.
“I just got a not-so-good diagnosis. My husband is pushing for immediate treatment, but I’m not sure if I want that, given the pregnancy.
So I just… walked away from him for a bit. ”
“Oh.” Her eyes widen. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I force a smile. “That’s life for you, right? Anyway, thank you again for everything. I hope you find what you’re looking for in your travels.”
My legs are not fully steady as I head to the door that the two young women disappeared through. I assume it leads to the street, and I’m right. I’m about to step outside when Birgit’s hand lands on my shoulder.
“Look,” she says when I turn around. “I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but it sounds like you need some time and space to process things.
At least that’s what my mom wanted when she first got diagnosed.
My dad was pushing for one thing, her siblings for another, and she just wanted a chance to come to terms with it on her own.
So yeah…” She takes a deep breath. “If you want that too, you can chill here for a couple of days. Get your head straight before you decide anything.”
“Thank you, but I couldn’t possibly—”
“You won’t be imposing,” she says, anticipating my objection. “I could use the company—but only if you want to stay, of course. I promise I won’t pry or push you into any decisions you’re not ready to make.”
She waits, staring at me expectantly, and I honestly don’t know what to say.
Despite what she’s saying, it would be an imposition.
A huge one. If I understand correctly, she only has one bed in this place, and we’d have to share it.
And I wouldn’t even be able to pay her for it.
Also, Alexei is bound to find me if I don’t stay on the move.
Unless… he would be expecting me to stay on the move.
In fact, he’d probably expect me to get out of Geneva as fast as possible.
But no. I can’t. She has no idea what kind of man I’m running from. I don’t think I would be placing her in danger—Alexei would have no reason to come in here with guns blazing—but still, what if—
A sudden worsening of my headache scrambles my thoughts. It’s like someone has decided to put my skull in a nutcracker and squeeze until my eyeballs pop.
Gasping, I sink to the floor, so nauseated by the throbbing pain that I can barely breathe, black dots flickering with white behind my closed eyelids.
“Right,” Birgit says. “Come on now. Let’s get you into bed.”
I groan as she pulls me to my feet. “I… won’t be great company,” I manage to say, and she laughs quietly.
“Yeah, I’m getting that vibe. Let’s go anyway.”
Looping an arm around my waist, she guides me to the stairs.