Chapter 35 Serena #2
Zadyn’s eyes snap up to mine as if I’d called his name.
The drums pound in the background, shaking the floor and echoing deep in my bones. I can feel them everywhere, pulsing in me, throbbing in time to my rapid heartbeat.
I trail my fingers over Mar’s shoulder. Zadyn’s heavy-lidded gaze tracks the movement before flickering back up to mine.
He looks so good.
Maybe it’s the alcohol. Or maybe it’s not.
He takes hold of the female’s neck, slowly lowering his mouth to it. It’s quite possibly the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
The veins in his arms go taut, flexing around her waist as she gives him her weight. But his eyes are on mine.
Locked.
The heat rolling off him transfers to me, making me feverish.
I told you it can be fun to watch.
His voice is a velvet-soft brush against mind. He clutches her skirt, planting slow, agonizing kisses up the column of her throat, and I can almost feel them on me.
“Now you’ve got the hang of it.” Mar slips behind me, a sleepy smile on her lips. With a gentle nudge forward, she says, “Go play.”
Her warmth disappears, leaving me cold and exposed on the dance floor. Zadyn looks me up and down, a hunger like I’ve never seen turning his eyes glassy. His stare strips away layer after layer until it feels like I’m on display. Being watched. Being seen.
It’s both terrifying and invigorating.
I want to look away. But I can’t. Not as he releases the girl and starts walking toward me, his stride magnetic.
“You once warned me about the kind of dancing they do in pleasure halls.”
“I remember.” His voice carries no amusement as he peers down at me, searching my face.
I give him a shrug. “Show me.”
Definitely the alcohol.
He glances up at the ceiling and lets out a laugh. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea.”
God, I hate it when he’s responsible.
“It’s just dancing.” But he doesn’t budge. He stares at me, torturing me with his silence. “Alright, well, I’m sure I can find someone else to ask—”
I’m halfway turned when he snatches up my wrist and yanks me back against his chest. My breath leaves my body.
“One dance.”
I twist my head to look up at him. Yes, sir.
Without breaking eye contact, his hand slides from my ribs down to my hips. He holds me tighter, fusing our laps together, then traces a line up the center of my body starting at my belly button and blazing a taunting trail between my breasts.
My entire body ignites.
I let my head fall back onto his chest as he palms the base of my neck.
That simple touch holds so much power over me it’s concerning.
I’m glued to him, feeling parts of him I never have before—our movements slow, sensual.
His free hand glides up my side, leaving little fires in its wake.
I circle my hips deeper, grinding against him in the process.
“Serena,” he growls.
“Zadyn.” I intend to mimic his stern tone, but instead, it comes out like a breathy, need-filled plea.
Maybe not the alcohol? Fuck, I really don’t know.
All I know is that I want him to do what he did to that female. I want his hands on me. His mouth.
I twist around, raking my nails down the nape of his neck and watching his eyes close. Another swirl of our hips has his length nudging against me, letting me know he’s enjoying this as much as I am.
But then I remember.
Zadyn is my familiar. My friend. Have I no self-control? He’ll do anything to please me, to make me happy. To go there with him would be taking advantage. I’d be abusing our bond.
I can’t do that. Because if I ask or push him the way I did at solstice, I don’t think he’ll deny me—even if it isn’t what he really wants.
He tugs me closer, and I fall into him, gripping his sturdy arms for support. I’m rummaging for the will to put some distance between us, but then his fingers slide into my hair, and my whole body aches for more. More of this side of him—this primal, dark hunger.
My breath becomes ragged as he leans his forehead against mine.
This will ruin your friendship, a tiny voice pipes from inside me.
But I want him.
Do I want him? Or do I just want to try him out? There’s a big difference. And Zadyn is the last person in this world that I would want to play games with. He deserves more.
My muscles lock as I push out of his grasp, shaking my head. He blinks, his expression clearing as he tries to read me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper before darting into the crowd.
What am I doing?
I’ve always known Zadyn was beautiful. It just never fazed me before. Never made my heart lodge in my throat, never made me nervous. But lately, I’ve become hyperaware of him.
So what? Maybe I have a little crush.
One day I’ll grow out of it, and in a decade we can look back and say, “Oh, remember when I wanted to eat your face and swallow you whole?”
It’ll definitely be worth a laugh. I think.
God, this is confusing. Not to mention everything that’s happened with Jace. My feelings for him haven’t just gone away. Knowing I can’t have him doesn’t stop me from wanting him in a way that physically hurts.
Why is it so hard for me to just let him go?
Our last conversation has haunted me since I left. Asking me to marry him like some Hail Mary had hurt. Just like it had two years ago when Jack asked me to marry him because he thought I was pregnant. And I had run from him too.
The symmetry of that is just too perfect. Too cruel.
But now is not the time for any of this. Now is not the time for mixed feelings and boy drama. For horny dancing and green drinks and indecisiveness. Now is the time for problem solving. For portal closing and serious hats and mustaches.
God, I’m drunk.
I weave through the crowd, not really sure where I’m going until a hand clamps around my wrist, pulling me to a stop.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say to Mar. “Everything. I can’t think in here.”
“Let’s go get some air.”
She shoves me through the nearest door, into an empty hall painted the color of fresh blood. I slide down the length of the wall, taking a deep breath.
“Is this about Zadyn?”
I snap my gaze to her.
“I saw you two in there.” Mar slumps down beside me and elbows me in the ribs. “Getting cozy.”
“Stop, it’s not like that.”
“Well, if it was like that, let me just say…I approve.”
“He’s my familiar, Mar!”
“He’s gorgeous, is what he is. And he will do everything in his power to make you happy. I am really not seeing the issue here.”
“He’s my best friend.”
“Your second best friend,” she amends, knocking her knee against mine.
“I’m just…so confused.” My head flops into my hands.
“What is the damn problem?”
I usually appreciate Mar’s no-nonsense talks. Sometimes I need someone to tell me to pull it together, but right now, it feels like I’m crumbling.
There is so much I haven’t even begun to process. Like my almost-marriage. Like sleeping with my mortal enemy—a male who would kill my friends with a smile on his face. Like seeing a future in which I am married to a monster, carrying his little monster babies.
I haven’t told anyone about that. I really don’t think I can.
Fighting back tears, I say, “We are so far off track right now. We’re clubbing while Aegar could be under another attack. While Derek is dead. We’re supposed to be closing the portal, and we’re just raging until the sun comes up.”
“Listen.” Mar lays a gentle hand on mine.
“When you live as long as we have, you realize that moments are all you have. Sometimes it’s easier to laugh and smile through the hard times than it is to wallow.
It hurts a hell of a lot less. One night is not going to make a difference. We’ll get to work tomorrow.”
Two large bodies crash through the door, banging into the wall. Our heads whip up to Zadyn and Eaton, cackling, arms slung around each other’s shoulders. Their laughter cuts out at the sight of me blubbering on the floor.
“What’s wrong?” Zadyn asks, dropping his smile.
“Serena’s drunk and having a mental breakdown,” Mar answers.
“I’m not drunk, and I’m not having a mental breakdown. I’m just… tired!” I cry, and boy, do I sound wasted.
Zadyn is there in an instant, crouching in front of me, his hands on my knees. “I should take her back.”
“No, you should not,” I slur.
Drunk bitch.
“You just said you were tired.” Zadyn stifles a laugh. I am immediately offended.
“Hey!”
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry.” He tries to bite his lip, but I can tell he’s had a few more shots, and he’s not very good at concealing it. “You’re just so…”
“So what?”
“So—”
“You make a cute drunk! That’s what our dear old friend here is trying to say. Isn’t that right, Rhodesie?” Eaton kicks him on the butt.
I set my jaw. “I hate being called cute. It’s degrading.”
I agree, Furi announces, though I don’t remember asking her.
My three friends burst into laughter, and I truly don’t know why. I shove to my feet—a little too fast—but the wall is there to catch me.
“Okay, come on.” Zadyn reaches for me. I try to rip my arm away, but I’m too slow. “We’re leaving. You can yell at me the whole way back, let some of that anger out.”
“There are far more effective ways of relieving anger, in case you didn’t know,” Eaton crows as Zadyn tries to corral me.
“Oh, Zadyn is well aware,” I spit, wriggling against him. “He’s an expert at relieving anger. He relieves it all the time, with any female who looks at him, right? He’s just a fucking machine.”
“Alright, I really need to get her back,” he says to Eaton.
“Take the carriage. I’ll call for another.” He winks.
“Are you staying?” Zadyn asks Mar.
“I think you can handle this one on your own, don’t you?” She smirks at me.
“Oh, don’t give me that look, Mar,” I growl. Then Zadyn is scooping me up in his arms and carrying me out the door. “If you don’t put me down, I’m gonna torch your ass.”
“You’ll thank me tomorrow.”
“Good night, dear! See you in the morning!” Eaton says with a wave.
We get to the carriage, and Zadyn tosses me inside like a sack of potatoes.
“I hate you right now.”
He shuts the door and slides in across from me. “Good. What else?”
“What else?” I sputter.
“You want to get some things off your chest? Go ahead. I’m all ears.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bottling it all up isn’t going to do any good.”
“Neither is blubbering about it.”
“Serena.”
“Alright! You want me to spill my guts? Fine. How about the fact that I’m a complete mess right now, and I can barely hold it together?
How about the fact that I almost married my arch-nemesis?
Or how I was dead, and then I wasn’t, and now reality seems all fucked up?
I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, and my feelings are in knots, and I just want to… I just—”
“What?”
“I just want it to stop.”
His eyes soften. “I know.”
“Please don’t try to make me feel better right now—”
“I’m not. I’m saying I know.”
I turn my face toward the window. “Who’s Alix?”
“Eaton’s sister.”
“I mean, who is she to you? Did you have a thing?”
“Yes, you could say we had a thing. Briefly.”
“What happened?”
“We were…spending time together—”
“You were fucking.”
“Okay”—he sighs—“we were fucking, and then this happened.”
He pulls his jacket aside and taps his finger against the tattoo over his heart. Two interlocking circles with a star in the center. The mark of a familiar.
“And I left. Without saying goodbye.”
“And now?”
“Now she hates me.” He shrugs.
I let out a scoff, staring out the frosted glass. “I bet. Do you want to be with her?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Because after she punched you, I thought you were either going to fistfight or screw right there on the table.”
“First off, I’d never hit a female. And second—would that have pissed you off?” A slow smirk tugs at his lips.
“For the last time—”
“You don’t care what I do, blah blah blah, you’re not jealous—”
“You know what, Zadyn?”
“What, Serena?”
“I’ll admit that I’m jealous when you admit that you’re jealous.”
“Of what?”
“Of me. And Jace.” I cross my arms. “You were jealous.”
He stares at me for a second, then leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Yes. I was jealous. Insanely. Still am.”
Heat floods my face. I open my mouth and then close it, stunned by how easy that was for him to confess.
“Fine.” I stick my chin in the air, refusing to look at him. “So was I.”
He leans back, fighting a smug little smile. It takes me a minute to realize I’m doing the same.
* Cue: So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings by Caroline Polachek