Chapter 63 Serena
SERENA
The wind snaps at my face as we cut across the stars.
But it feels good. It reminds me I’m alive when I feel dead inside. Furi doesn’t press me to open up, which I’m grateful for. She lets me breathe, nudging against my mind every so often to remind me I’m not alone.
As we make our descent, Zadyn is making his way out of the castle toward us. I slide down, keeping my back to him.
“How was your ride?”
“Fine. Good.” I nod, smoothing Furi’s scales as he comes up beside me. His eyes burn into me like a brand.
“What?” I don’t mean to sound as nasty as I do.
“You’ve barely spoken a word since we left the city, Serena. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I mutter.
“What did Margot say to you?”
“Nothing.”
“Serena.”
“It’s personal, okay? What she said is…personal.”
“Personal?” He scoffs. “You used to pee with the door open when we were in college. I think we’re past personal.”
“Yeah, you could have warned me about that, by the way,” I spit.
“Don’t do this.” The wind rustles his hair as he shakes his head. “Don’t shut me out.”
I sigh, swallowing the tightness in my throat. “I’m allowed to keep things to myself. I’m allowed to have secrets. You don’t need to know what I’m thinking one hundred percent of the time.”
He laughs, exasperated. “Serena, I never know what you’re thinking. And it drives me insane.”
My eyes find his, and he holds my gaze for a moment. Thunder crackles overhead, drawing our faces skyward. Then it starts to rain.
With one last pat, I send Furi off to her mountain and march toward the thicket of dense forest.
“What is wrong?” He races to catch up with me.
“Maybe I’m just in a pissy mood. It happens.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know! For a walk.”
“It’s pouring. Just come inside.”
But I can’t. *
Another roar of thunder rattles the ground, and I break into a sprint.
The trees are nothing but tall, black masses, blurring together as I race through the forest. Freezing rain soaks through my clothes, my hair.
But I keep going. I run until I’m breathless and panting.
Until my lungs are screaming, begging for a break.
I run until I’m lost, until finally the tears I have been holding back since this afternoon—since Vod—burst to the surface, mixing with the fat raindrops stinging my face.
I stumble to a stop, bracing myself against the trunk of a giant oak. My knees sink into softened soil.
Everything I have been holding back, holding in, slams into me with unrelenting force.
It’s staggering.
Like those dreams where you’re speeding down a highway and you’ve lost control of the wheel. And suddenly a truck comes out of nowhere, coming at you head-on. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide as the headlights grow closer and closer. All you can do is wait to wake up.
Except I can’t. Because the nightmare is real.
It’s everything, all at once.
It’s Derek dying. Having to lose my father twice. It’s the rift between me and Jace. It’s Kai’s abuse. It’s Kylian’s hands on my body. It’s my mother…my mother.
It’s who and what I need to become.
It’s the weight of the world resting on my shoulders.
I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out.
“Serena!” Zadyn shouts as he jogs toward me. I can’t answer. I’m paralyzed.
“Hey.” He reaches me, gripping my shoulders as the rain streamlines down his face.
He tries to get me to breathe, but I can’t. The pain is not done with me. Not yet. It sinks its talons in and pulls and pulls and pulls until I am fully unraveled.
When I don’t respond, he scoops me into his arms and carries me back. I let him. I don’t fight as he takes me to my room, sits down in front of the fire with me on his lap, and goes silent—allowing me to cry until there is nothing left.
I don’t know how long we sit like that. He holds me until I still, until the thoughts plaguing me recede, replaced by a peaceful silence.
His hand smooths over my back, each sweep softening the shards of glass threatening to poke through my chest. I relax into him, letting the soft steady beat of his heart ground me.
When I pull back, our cheeks brush. Both of us are soaked to the skin, but his body is warm. He’s so solid, so safe. I know I should move away.
But I can’t. Our noses touch, and his cool scent hits me as I inhale, heady.
Something in the air shifts.
“Tell me what you want,” he whispers. My stomach goes taut at the sound of his ragged breaths.
“I want you.”
His eyes fall to my mouth. “Be more specific.”
“Kiss me.” *
With excruciating slowness, he leans in and brushes his lips against mine. It’s tentative and sweet. Heartbreakingly careful.
He pulls back for a moment.
It’s not enough.
I surge forward as Zadyn’s hand knots in my hair, fisting it until a small gasp slips out. He seizes my open mouth, molding his lips around mine until no space exists between us.
No more pretense, no more dancing around it. He claims me, and every thought eddies from my mind.
Cradling the back of my head, he lowers me to the carpet beside the crackling fire. My hands weave through his wet hair, the strands like silk between my fingers. His palm traces up the curve of my waist, curling around my neck and sending my pulse into a sprint.
Our tongues tangle as I open deeper for him.
His breathy moan spears through me, sending a shock of heat down between my legs.
My body becomes a live wire, every hair standing on end, every part of me clenching, tightening, thirsting for him.
It’s only when I break away from his mouth, gasping, that I remember I need to breathe.
He doesn’t falter, sweeping soft, languid kisses down my neck and chest. His fingers hook around my shirt, tugging it down until his lips brush over my heart. There’s reverence in it—a silent vow that it will always be safe with him. That he will always protect it.
Gripping his hair, I pull his mouth back up to mine. A tiny whimper slips out as I bow off the floor, curling my leg against his hip, needing more. My lips and cheeks burn, as if the blood inside me is just as desperate for him as I am.
I yank his shirt up and press my palm against the taut, fevered skin of his chest, skimming over toned muscle and contoured abs. He shivers when I latch onto his waistband, his hand going to my breast, his teeth tugging at my bottom lip as he groans into my mouth.
It’s Zadyn.
Zadyn’s hands are roaming my body in the most tender, intimate way. I would giggle if my mouth wasn’t already happily occupied.
“I want you so bad.” It doesn’t even occur to me that I’ve said it out loud until he pulls back abruptly. “Zadyn?”
“I can’t do this.”
Embarrassment burns through me, stinging my cheeks.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” He sits up, turning his back to me, and runs his hands through his tawny hair. “I can’t do this when I know you still love him.”
Jace? I shake my head.
“He’s engaged.”
“What does it matter?”
“He’s getting married. I’ve let go of the idea of us. It’s over.”
“You’ve let go of the idea but not him. I don’t know if you ever will.”
“I will. I have,” I correct. I have no choice. He shakes his head, staring into the fire. “Zadyn, please. I want this. I want you.”
“Yes, but I don’t want you.” He whirls to me, his face twisted in anguish. “I love you.”
My jaw drops, and I stare at him blankly.
“I love you. I love. You. I always have. I’ve watched you fall in love and get your heart broken by people that couldn’t even come close to being worthy of you if they had a hundred lifetimes to get it right, and even though that hurt, I could endure it.
But what I can’t endure is being a substitute for the person you really want. The person you really love.”
“Zadyn.” I shake my head, swallowing pins, tears brimming in my eyes. “You know I love you.”
“That’s not the kind of love I’m talking about, and you know it.”
“I didn’t know you felt that strongly.”
“Yes, you did, Serena. You just didn’t want to face it so you didn’t have to feel the guilt of not returning my feelings,” he says coldly.
“That is not true! I never thought you were in love with me. If I had known—”
“If you had known then what? It wouldn’t have changed anything. You would have done everything the same. And come on. You never thought that my reaction to you at solstice or to you and Jace had anything to do with how I felt about you?”
“But you were with Cece. And then Ilayna.”
“I asked you to give me a reason not to be with Cece! I practically begged you like a fool. I would have sat like a dog at your side if you’d asked me to.
I would have waited until you came around, until you—they were nothing to me.
All they did was ease the pain that was always there, just bubbling beneath the surface. ”
Every part of me feels cold without the heat of his body over mine.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe a part of me always knew how he felt. And I was either too afraid or too swept up in the hope that Jace and I might somehow work out to notice. I’m such an idiot.
“Zadyn,” I whisper.
I get to my knees and slowly pull my dripping shirt over my head. Sitting before him, exposed, I take his face in my hands. “Zadyn, look at me. Look. At me.”
Tears line his beautiful brown eyes as he pries my hands from his face.
“Please don’t torture me like this. Don’t offer me your body when I can’t have your heart.”
He gets up and leaves without another word.
* Cue: circle the drain by Soccer Mommy
* Cue: So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings by Squirrel Flower