Chapter 7 #2
A shiver races up my spine as I try to decipher those freaky rhymes.
I don’t know who else might be here besides Jason and me, and there is no clear access, either.
But Jason is the only one of us who knows how to navigate through this forest. Even though he’s injured, he might have hidden it when he brought me here yesterday.
“I’ll survive.” His impatient tone fuels my anger. “I’m not the one fucking with the forest. You have no idea what’s out there.”
“Cut the fucking attitude, Jason. You are not here to save me, and I’m not here to save you.“ I rage, standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the stream below. “What happens if I choose to jump?”
“Winona…” His panicked voice pulls me out of my thoughts as I scrunch the note in my hand and slide it into my pocket. “Tell me something real?”
What kind of game does he play?
I squint my eyes, but they stay fixed on the waters. “Why do you care? The real world is broken. It’s bleeding. And I feel lost no matter where I go.”
“So, talk to me.”
Small rocks roll beneath the soles of my boots. I kick them off the edge, watching them tumble into the stream. Hypnotized, the urge to jump in myself sends a prickle of horror through me, but he brushes the thought away once more.
“What doesn’t kill you—”
“Makes you wish you were dead.” I finish, flicking my eyes up to his balcony. He snaps his head in my direction as if he heard something forbidden, or perhaps a painful truth.
“Don’t you know it? They break you to make you lethal,” he says, and the pain in his deep, husky voice calls to mine. He scratches his nape, contemplating something before he scans the area through the riflescope.
I know for sure he’s not trying to kill me, but he holds a secret I’m determined to uncover.
“My husband was my bodyguard. He was like my shadow. I knew he would always be there.” A cold wind drifts as the skies darken. “It was the safest place on earth when he harbored me between his arms. He never let anyone touch me.”
“Wise man,” Jason comments.
“His untamable nature drew me repeatedly.” A blush creeps up my neck and cheeks.
“But he had a weak spot for me. He was my best friend, and I could talk to him about anything. He shared his good days and dark days with me. He gave me everything. He gave life to a caged bird.” I blink back tears, but they quickly blur my vision.
“What happened?” I rush to my bodyguard as he enters the front door of the house with a busted lip and a deep cut under his left eye. “Who did this to you?” I demand an answer, slightly panicked but primarily relieved, knowing he is safe now.
“You’re going to punch them for me? Or better, strangle them with your ninja moves.” That idiot fucking smirks. Inching closer, I cup his cheek and assess the wounds. “It’s nothing,” he assures me.
“You finally found someone your size?” I joke, as I caress his cheek.
“You got jokes, huh?” He grins and softly nibbles on his bottom lip. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
My stomach drops, and an inconceivable pressure weighs down on my chest.
He turned down the deal, but I want him here. I want him in my life. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want him to find someone else.
I never wanted him to leave in the first place.
That stupid deal. I can’t blame the alcohol because I’m responsible for it.
What have I done?
“Can we go for a ride first?” I ask, losing myself in his affectionate eyes and that tangible desire, too. “After I suture your wounds.”
“Wounds?” he questions.
“Your shirt is bleeding,” I point out, shaking my head. He doesn’t even notice it anymore when he comes back injured. It’s probably the adrenaline.
“Sure.” He grins, rubbing his cheek against my palm and basking in the warmth we create.
I lift my gaze with a small smile. Now, Jason watches me through the riflescope. I wipe my tears and clear my voice.
“Your grandma warned me that if something were to happen to you, she’d behead me,” he says with a hint of amusement.
“So you know my grandma?”
“Yeah, I do. She trusts—she briefed me.” If he works for my grandma, he must know how to get underground.
“So she sends a bodyguard to shadow me even when I’m trying to become someone else.”
“I guess she likes you.” He laughs, and the familiar sound hits me so hard in the chest that I gasp. “And I’m more like a partner. You know, every rookie needs someone with experience to guide them,” Jason clarifies as he returns to scan the forest.
“Did you lose someone important to you?”
He sighs, and I hear him swallow the thickness in his throat. “I chose to protect someone and had to give everything for that.”
“And how bad did it hurt?”
“It’s a nightmare. I just wanted to feel something. A sign I was still alive. I was still me. I feel like I’m dying every single day, and there’s no way out. It’s like I’m drowning in this endless cycle of pain. I just want to feel the way I felt with,” he fumbles with his words. “I want to… fuck.”
“Fuck?” I tease, wanting to lighten the mood myself.
“That too. I wouldn’t turn down a kind offer.” He chuckles in amusement, and I find it comforting.
I shake my head, laughing softly to myself. “I bet.”
“So your nightmares follow you, too?” he asks.
“I live inside a sleep-depriving nightmare. I have had them often since I was twelve, but they stopped for a while thanks to him. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of myself. In this never-ending quest called life.”
“Slay your demons, and you’ll be able to sleep. Trust me. But if you think that will stop the pain, it won’t. You just have to learn to live beside it.”
“How do you do that?” I ask.
“I don’t know, but at some point, I decided to tattoo my body, get my eyebrow pierced, my ear, and then get my dick pierced.”
“Oh wow. We’re actually sharing personal experiences.” I suppose that’s progressive of us.
The blood rushes to my cheeks as dirty thoughts race through my mind. I read too many books for that image to taint my thoughts. The degrees plummet as the minutes tick away. My fingers feel numb, but I’m not quite ready to go inside.
“I have tattoos too. That kind of pain is momentary, but it leaves you with something beautiful that lasts a lifetime. However, your last piercing sound intimidating.” And maybe a bit alluring, I’ll admit, only to myself.
“Yeah, it was excruciating. What about you? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” His curiosity spills to the receiver, and the truth is that I don’t know how to answer that.
“I left my entire life behind and signed a secret contract. Let strangers drug me and take me to... nowhere. Crazy, right?” I stick my chin out as I pace along the ledge.
“I get it, but that’s part of the game.”
An interesting choice of words.
“So I’ve heard.” I count my steps. “If I tell you, I will have to kill you.”
“You’re already getting the hang of it,” he replies, and I can feel him staring at me without looking his way. “And if I’m calculating this right, I’ll take my chances.”
I hop off the bike and move to the front.
My bodyguard lifts me onto the fuel tank without a word.
Raindrops begin to dot the road before the rain intensifies.
He removes our helmets and sets them on the handlebars.
Together, we gaze at the ocean from that spot on the road we claimed the first night he took me for a ride.
I can’t believe it’s been two years already.
That was our thing, riding around aimlessly. No destination, just us and the open road. Our bodies wrapped around each other. Our little awkward laughs and hearty ones. Just us under a sky speckled with stars, dancing to a playlist he made for us on his phone.
Rainwater cascades down our faces, soaking our hair.
It doesn’t bother either of us.
When I glance at him, he seems to be deep in thought, and I sense that something else is troubling him, weighing down on his stiff shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
A moment passes before he opens his mouth.
“Winona, I’m not a deal or a business transaction. When you insinuated that, it made everything you said at the bar seem meaningless,” he says, his voice low, and the pain threads through each word.
Concern clouds his perfectly sculpted features, and it hurts me to see that he feels diminished by the deal I made at the bar. He has been around me for days, giving me his attention, all while he has been hurting.
I never meant to hurt him.
I cradle his face, and he gradually allows himself to meet my eyes.
“I know that. You mean more to me than you realize.” My gaze flickers between his, capturing the hurt that flashes across them, and it shatters my heart knowing I caused it, even a sliver of it.
I recognize the sadness he holds within.
He carries it daily, and he doesn’t deserve it.
He shows up for me. While he can be overprotective, it’s part of his nature, and I understand the dangers that loom outside.
“Stay. Don’t go. I don’t want you to go.
I don’t want that stupid deal, either. I want you.
” He lowers his head between us, and I press my forehead against his. “Please stay.”
The oxygen I breathe in feels like it burns all the way down my lungs.
I realize that losing him means I’ve lost my best friend.
I don’t have anyone in this world who understands me like he does, knows me like he does, and will be there when I need him.
A tear trickles down my face, and just before it reaches my chin, a thumb wipes it away.
“All I wanted from you was to tell me you wanted me to stay.” He whispers, grabbing my hip firmly. He kneads my flesh, craving to touch me after years of resistance. My body molds beneath his pleasurable fingers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I softly moan as he brings his other hand around my neck, caressing my jaw with his thumb. Then, he pulls me closer and crushes his mouth against mine, forcing a moan that gets swallowed between us.