Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Reeve Hardy
The Same Deep Water As You — The Cure
I gaze at the golden moth picture on the wall, which I have been looking at since I was little. The moth resembles the golden one on my T-shirt and the sticker on Mom’s guitar.
“Reeve, go play outside. Dick is supposed to visit me.” Mom shoos me out of the trailer like I’m a six-year-old who plays in the sand outside, but I know it’s a code for “get out of here, I’m about to let a predator in for sex.”
I set my comic book aside—I was too distracted to read it anyway—and grab the matchbox from the nightstand before swinging my legs off the bed.
I barely glance at Mom; irritation contorts my features. I walk past her and stop when she grabs my wrist.
“I love you,” she says, kissing my shoulder. “I’ll buy you the new shoes you wanted with the money he promised to bring me tonight.”
She always says that, but she ends up wasting it on other things.
Nodding, I slip out of her loosened grip and step out the door. Dick slots inside with a sadistic grin that makes my skin crawl, grazing his body with mine because he can’t wait like a normal person.
I know this sick game she’s playing with him is her way of taking care of me, so I bury this cavernous rage for him deeper and walk to the edge of the circus, where a scuffed-up picnic table meets a circle of trees.
It’s deserted because a sharp nail sticks out and pokes everyone who sits on it, so no one bothers to come here anymore.
It cut me once. Even when I was bleeding heavily, Mom refused to take me to the hospital.
Instead, she made Dick patch me up and stitch the wound.
That’s why I have this ugly scar on my palm.
I step onto the wooden seat, rest my legs on it, and drop myself onto the tabletop. The contents inside the matchbox rustle as I open it and strike a match.
The flame dances with the salty afternoon breeze.
The sun flickers in and out teasingly, playing hide and seek among the gray skies.
Sometimes, I want to burn this whole place down and disappear, leaving no trace.
It’s not like anyone would notice. Every time these thoughts cross my mind, Mom’s helpless expression resurfaces.
I know she cares for me, and I feel the same toward her.
Still, we fall into this endless abyss, and I don’t see a way out with her.
I wish my life were different.
I wonder what I could do right at this moment if I were a normal kid living an everyday life.
What decisions would I make? What kind of friends would I have?
What could my life look like? I feel like there’s a version of me out there—a better one that I will never get to be.
And when I try to focus on it, it slips further away.
A shadow stretches over the grass as a figure approaches slowly.
I swallow my frustration and smother the flame with my bare hand.
I refuse to look at him, fully aware it’s my father.
I sense his unapologetic presence, effortless strides, and the confident stance he displays so well through his shadow alone.
My father has no sense of responsibility—ever.
He doesn’t dwell on the past and never shows a sign of weakness.
“Hey, son, how are you?” a familiar voice drifts, low and resonant.
“Like you care.” I glare at his dark Oxford shoes, which look too fancy for this zoo. I never understood how he could buy such things when he barely had enough money to give us during his visits.
He probably steals them.
“Come on, don’t be like that. I’m here, aren’t I?”
“For how long this time?” I scoff, clasping the matchbox so tightly that it crumples in my hand and drops to the ground as I release it.
“I brought you a gift,” he says, leaning forward. “Actually, two.”
I lift my gaze from the grass, my eyes trailing the dark trench coat hugging his tall frame, before I meet the second smile I hate most.
So fake.
He could have taken us far away from this place, but he never even tried. How convenient of him. I don’t think either of them ever spared a single thought for my needs, education, or future.
I’m nothing.
What scares me the most is that this is all I’ll ever be.
“What do you want?” I frown at him.
“To spend some time with my son. Is that a crime?” He dangles the plastic bag in front of me, and I take it. The least he can do is buy me comics so I can pass my time in hell while my mind escapes to an alternate universe.
I live in a messed-up reality as is; I’d rather get away from it.
“I knew you’d be happy to get this.” The slight curl at the corner of his mouth is meant to make me feel somewhat comfortable when he is around, as it used to.
I remember he read comic books to me a few times when I was little.
I would lie between his arms, flipping the pages for him, while his deep, soft voice soothed me until I fell asleep.
He was more sober than Mom when he was around, but unlike her, he always left. “It’s a new edition,” he adds.
I nod.
He could have made more effort to be my dad instead of just buying me a comic book on rare occasions.
“It’s a belated fourteenth birthday present. How’s Mom?”
Doing what she had always done, numbing herself. “She’s good.”
“I know you’re taking care of her.” He shoves his hands into his pockets and brings a cigarette to his mouth, lighting it with a gold lighter. I zoom in on the embossed moth before he slips it back into his pocket.
“I don’t have a choice,” I sneer.
He blows out smoke before taking another pull. “I deserve that.”
He deserves much worse, but I’m not in the mood to keep score.
“I brought her a new supply. You don’t need to worry about it for at least a month.”
“Okay,” I roll my eyes at the absurdity of his words. They’ll probably party, and it will be gone in a week with the rest of the circus clowns that feed off drugs.
“Why do you hate me so much?” he purses his lips into a thin line before dragging his teeth across his lower lip. “I mean… I know I’m not around, but I’m trying.”
Not enough.
Trying means being present, not constantly searching for new adventures every time he gets out of jail, to earn money and waste it on meaningless things.
His eyes narrow as he assesses my bleak expression.
“I don’t hate you. I’m just disappointed.” I lie, but I am both. I loved him when I was six, maybe because he introduced me to a world that fascinated me, and I waited for him to feel that way again and again. Not because of pages, illustrations, and words, but because it was our time. Me and him.
Now, when I look at him, all I see is a shallow man. It saddens me because I don’t respect him, but I still wait for my dad to show up. I need him, and I hate to admit it.
“Reeve, those characters you read about in comic books—they exist in real life. Take a good look around you when you’re done reading. They’re all reflections in the eyes of the people who encounter you when you observe them closely. We’re all trying to get by while fighting our own demons.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have brought me into this world before you sorted out your life because I’m drowning with you, whether you like it or not.
And whether I like it or not,” I reply, clenching my jaw as I gaze into the sudden sparkle in his eyes.
It carries an emotional weight that throws me off.
He always had kind eyes that drew people in, reflecting honesty and goodness even when it wasn’t really there. I guess that’s his secret weapon.
“God, you speak like a grown man.”
“I had to become one while you were gone, and I read a lot, so there’s that.”
“Good. It’s good.” He nods to himself more than me and flicks his finished cigarette onto the grass, stomping it underfoot. “I still don’t regret bringing you into this world. You’re my lucky charm.”
A freaking charm, that’s all I am.
“I need new shoes. Mine are getting too small and look old. Dick is also playing games with his washing machine. When he wants to punish us, he forbids us from using things we need.”
“Dick can be a little tough sometimes, but he lets you stay here for free, so I’ll talk to him and take you shopping with what I have. It’s not much.”
“Whatever you have, don’t spend it. I really need something new.” It’s embarrassing to walk around like this.
“What about my clothes? I think I have a few things inside.”
“Mom gave them to Dick.”
“Did you ask Dick for clothes and shoes? He buys them for the employees.”
“I don’t want anything from him.”
He raises his hands in the air. “Smart. I get it.”
The circus is closed today, making it the perfect time to get out of here.
Too many shifty eyes are looking to have fun.
They don’t care that a kid lives here. They engage in threesomes and foursomes after they get high.
I’ve seen things that made me want to pluck my eyeballs out.
Plus, Dick is inside with Mom right now.
“We can go today,” I urge, “You can take me right now.”
“Slow down, buddy. I just got here. I need to rest and recharge my batteries. You know?”
I push off the table, leveling with him. “Dad, come on. We can go and spend some time together like you wanted to.”
“Reeve, I said not right now.” He says sternly but remains calm. “Please respect it.”
What does he know about respect? Or about fatherhood, for that matter?
He places his hand on my shoulder and shakes it gently. “I’ll take you shopping tomorrow or Friday.”
Right… he’s never going to take me anywhere.
I nudge my shoulder to get his hands off, then push away from him. “I have a lesson with Mute. I’ll see you later.” My hands tighten around the bag.
“You’ve gotten so tall. You look taller than me.” His voice trails off in the background before it fades away.
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with air as I squeeze my eyes shut. When I exhale, they flutter open, and rays of light disrupt my vision.