Chapter 20
Remi
If ruin is the birthplace of dawn,
Then let me wake, though everything is gone.
As Avery and Mal packed their things, the apartment felt tense. Something hung in the air, gloomy and inevitable. When the sound of a zipper reached us, Amir’s lips thinned.
I took his hand to draw his attention and offered him a smile. “It’s only a few more weeks.”
“Yeah, then all the season games, back and forth, all over the place.”
“You don’t have to be such a downer about it.”
He huffed. “God forbid I want to see my kid regularly.”
“Hey.” Moving closer, I studied his face. “You do this every year, right?”
“Usually she’s with me for half of it.”
My eyes widened. “Am I the only reason she’s not?”
His gaze remained on the bedroom door. I didn’t like that he was avoiding me. I especially didn’t like why he was avoiding me.
I pulled away. “This isn’t worth all that. So some skeevy journalist wants to make you the bad guy. Who fucking cares?”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“You know how hard it is for kids whose parents are in the spotlight? Do you know how many eyes are out there, watching our every move, waiting for us to screw up so they can be entertained?” He shook his head.
“I refuse to put Mal through the shit I’ve seen other families in the league go through.
” His eyes closed as he drew in a breath. “Not Mal.”
“It’s a story. Not even a crazy one. It’ll all blow over.”
“We pulled her out of school when we started the divorce. I hated to put her through more changes, but New Haven is only a couple hours from Boston, and there are fans around. Normally, a family can deal with things however they choose, but she didn’t get that option.
Some kids at school knew about it because of their parents. ”
“Were they mean to her?” Something rose in my chest at the idea of it.
“Not really, but she had a hard time. She didn’t want to hear about it constantly or deal with the rumors.
People had their theories, of course, and kids listen to what their parents say.
One of them told her I cheated on Avery because that’s what the girl’s mom said.
Mal hated when I had to travel for away games after that.
It upset her so much, she started to act out while I was gone, hoping I’d have to come back. ”
His dark expression made me take the sides of his neck and stroke his skin with my thumbs. “That’s horrible.”
“She already hated school. She . . . struggles talking to people. She doesn’t learn the way other kids learn. Of course, pulling her out of school brought about its own rumors, but she doesn’t have to be immersed in it all now, you know?”
“But some things you can’t escape.” He nodded, and I thought about what I wanted to say.
“You can’t protect your children from everything, no matter how hard you try.
At the same time, you’re leaving a legacy behind for her in everything you do.
She’ll remember the way she felt with you more than any specific memories.
And I think she’ll know that you did your best.”
“Is that how you feel about your parents now?”
Letting out a long breath, I leaned back against the cabinet. Amir stood in front of me, basically pressed up against me.
“Mine’s complicated,” I admitted. “I only ever felt safe with my parents, yet when I think back to them now, I don’t feel safe. Though they never hurt me, when I think of them, I’m reminded of a very real pain I endured because the dead can’t protect us.”
“I don’t understand. If they didn’t hurt you, why do you feel that way?”
“Because our brains make associations. Trauma latches onto the good things, and it draws pathways between them that are cursed. Fireworks can force a soldier right back into a warzone in their mind.”
“What are your fireworks?”
My teeth ground together as I thought about how to answer. Maybe I didn’t want to respond at all, but he was watching me, searching for something inside of me that I thought I might want to give him.
“Drugs took my parents, so I abhor drugs. And sometimes when you touch me too softly, I remember how evil people are also gentle right before they become cruel.”
His nostrils flared, and I shook my head to banish the ghosts that had taken the place of my soul all those years ago.
“My point is that Mal isn’t going to be traumatized by some clickbait drama that was out of your control.
What she is losing, though, are moments with you.
And believe me, those are too easy to take for granted and you can never get them back, which is why I should go so that you can have her here. ”
Running both of his hands through my hair, he moved in close and brushed my lips. Despite how I’d insisted that this was nothing, I couldn’t convince myself to push him away. Oli had given him the means to crack the code anyway, so what was the point?
“I’m not sending you home,” he murmured.
“But Mal—”
“Can stay. If you’re okay with that.”
“I mean, of course I am, but—”
“Then I’ll talk to Avery. If she’s comfortable letting her stay for a week, that’s what we’ll do.”
“I . . . Okay.”
A smile formed on his lips before he kissed me.
Gods above, this was spiraling into unfamiliar territory, and fast. I knew that Amir was exceedingly protective of his daughter, so I didn’t take it lightly.
This was fucking real. I couldn’t say how or why, but Amir Darya was choosing to take a real step with me.
Since I was still here, letting him kiss me and wrangle the scattered pieces of my heart, I suppose I was taking a giant leap of my own.
Toward what, I wasn’t quite sure yet, but I was absolutely terrified as he pulled back and headed for Avery and Mal’s room.
*****
“Can I trust you with her?” Amir garbled around his toothbrush.
“You probably should’ve asked that before you decided to let her stay. Besides, Avery’s choosing to trust me, and a mother’s intuition is an unmatched force.”
He grunted his agreement before he spit in the sink.
I wrinkled my nose and went back to my phone.
Oli had gotten me onto this damn Destiny: Rising mobile game, which basically turned my phone into a freaking PC.
The last thing this world needed was more addictions, and since I could literally play this in bed, it qualified.
The good thing about it was that it kept my thoughts off of the coming week. I’d be watching Mal at practices, which wasn’t a big deal. Amir would be right down on the field, accessible at all times. The games gave us more distance, but Mal wasn’t one to cause any problems, according to him.
Unless she wanted to sabotage me.
Everything would be just fine.
“Why do you trust me anyway?” I asked.
Amir came into the room, shirtless with his damp hair cascading over his shoulders. Suddenly, I didn’t care about the answer to my question. There was a stunning creature in my presence. I was convinced he’d walked directly out of álfheimr, and I couldn’t understand why he’d come here, to me.
“Should I not trust you?”
I blinked, but he was still there. Not a dream, then.
“Bro, this is your spawn,” I pointed out. “I wouldn’t trust a damn soul with a being that I created.”
“Even Odin?”
With a grimace, I glanced around the room. “Now you’re just trying to get me in trouble.”
He chuckled as he dropped his knees to the bed. When I realized he was coming toward me, I refocused on my phone.
“I did a background check when you signed that NDA, remember?”
“Mmhmm, sure, but you didn’t do a psych eval.”
“I’ve been evaluating this whole time. Anyway, I’ll have eyes on you just about every second. But in case you don’t know, if anything happens to my daughter, I will call on that one-eyed god of yours and make sure he teaches you all about divine retribution.”
My mouth was open, in shock or maybe in awe.
He kept a foot of distance between us, which I suddenly found unacceptable.
Tossing my phone to the side, I turned onto my knees.
We faced each other silently, lost somewhere in the space between us.
I felt drawn to the fire in his eyes, the same flame that had once stoked my desire to the point that I couldn’t resist him.
At the same moment, we surged forward, and our lips collided. I knocked him backward, and he twisted so that he fell onto the mattress with me on top of him. I groaned into his mouth as he sought my tongue. The taste of mint and the smell of his soap dominated my senses.
His hands moved up my bare torso slowly, like he had all the time in the world to touch me. I wondered if he believed that.
“Fuck, baby,” I said, tearing my mouth away from his. “We shouldn’t do this.”
“We should.”
“It isn’t going to work.”
“It is.”
“You don’t know that. And don’t say you do.”
“We don’t know anything,” he replied. “But if I die tomorrow, I’d like to know that I went for what I wanted. Even when the one I wanted made it goddamn hard.”
Rolling my lips inward, my mind pulled me in a dozen different directions. “I liked it better when you threatened me with Odin’s wrath. It was the hottest thing I’ve seen in a while.”
“Hotter than when I got you off after you swore that I couldn’t?”
I cocked my head as I thought about the way he’d sucked my dick on that pool table. “I guess it’s debatable.”
He hummed as he kissed my chest. “This is real for me, Remi. I need you to know that.”
My head tipped back while his lips created a path of fire on my skin. “Because I was your first. That’s all.”
When he grabbed my jaw and forced me to look down at him, I gritted my teeth. Fighting my instincts, I dug my fingers into his shoulders.
His grip softened slightly. “Because you’re worth it.”
It sounded so ridiculous that I almost laughed. “Let’s not get sentimental.”
“I have to, otherwise you won’t believe me.”
I wondered if this was how pilots felt when their systems went haywire, informing them that a collision was incoming. Unlike them, I didn’t need to make peace with any god. Mine built the world from a corpse and traded an eye for truth.
What would a being of such divine wisdom tell me to do?
You seek truth, boy, yet flinch at its burn;
The heart is a forge, and all men must learn.
You pray for wisdom, you pray for peace;
I present them both, so be at ease.
Good enough for me.
With both hands, I gripped Amir’s hair tightly at the roots and tipped his head back. “What fool would feed a starving heart?” My lips found his, and my control fractured. “I promise you’ll come to regret this.”
“We’ll have to wait and see.” With a smile, he relaxed against the pillow. “This isn’t a sex kiss either, by the way.”
“I don’t care about that.” I ran my fingers gently through his hair while I looked down at him. “Why do your parents live in Dubai?”
“You care now?”
“Only if you stop giving me the runaround.”
His expression was soft as he stroked my thighs. “They wanted to be closer to home, but somewhere new.”
“And where’s home?”
“They came from Iran. Isfahan, to be exact. My mom wanted to study architecture in the States, so when I was two, they came here. We settled in Arizona, and they built great lives, but they always missed home. Once I went to college, they decided to go on a new adventure.”
“Do you miss them?”
“Of course. Our relationship is sort of casual. We see each other once or twice a year, but we keep in touch.”
“How do they feel about this?” I motioned between us.
He lifted a shoulder. “They said if I’m happy and my family is taken care of, they’re happy too.”
“I respect that.”
“Tell me about yours.”
Pushing my lips out, I pinched his chin, enjoying the roughness of his stubble. “No.”
There was a frown on his face, but he nodded. “Alright.”
“You always accept it when I don’t answer your questions.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Throw a fit, obviously.”
“Would it work?”
“Never know until you try.”
He laughed, drawing my attention to that smile. It wasn’t innocent like Oli’s, but it was pure like his.
“The fucked up things are easier to talk about,” I said. “Maybe because I spent so much energy fixing all the broken parts of me that the happy ones make me sad. You can’t heal from those ones, so they exist like alcohol in your wounds, curbing the infection but burning like a motherfucker.”
“Anything you want to tell me, I want to hear it.”
“Hm. Maybe I’ll have Renshu make notecards.”
He shoved me to the side, and I laughed as I settled next to him.
While my eyes grew heavy, I thought about the offering I’d given to Odin earlier, with a request that he toss me a bone so I wouldn’t fuck things up tomorrow.
I could handle one day, and when night came, I’d do it again, every day until I inevitably drove my own god away.