Chapter 33
Remi
He longed only for warmth,
But was left to wander;
A lamp with no oil,
A song torn mid-verse.
It was the day after Amir left that the inevitable happened. It didn’t surprise me to find the note on the door at Remi’s.
I’d been living in the quiet, but it was always bound to break.
Thought and Memory, like past and future versions of me, were meant to collide.
What would come next? Well, that wasn’t fucking clear.
All I knew was that everything I’d come to love hung in the balance, just like the reflection of myself and Yggdrasil.
“You’re quiet,” Tommy noted from his place at the bar. His virgin mojito was almost empty, so I started another.
“People keep saying that lately.”
“No stories today? No poems?”
“You hate my poems.”
“They make the night pass faster.”
“Mm. Poems require emotions, so no.”
“It’s like that, then.”
I poured the drink into his glass, refusing to meet his eyes. “Like what?”
“Apathy. Even self-inflicted, it can’t last forever, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.” Quickly, I glanced at the time. “I’m going to take a break. Text me if anyone needs me. Or you can get off your ass and make them a drink.”
He grunted, which I assumed meant he wouldn’t do that. I was sure he’d just make a mess of things if he tried.
I headed toward the back, glancing behind me a few times to make sure he hadn’t followed, not that he would.
When I reached the heavy door that led to the alley, I took a deep breath before I pushed it open.
The light over the dumpster cast a yellow glow that made it feel disgustingly cliché as I stepped outside.
A familiar sedan was parked twenty feet away. The door opened, and I watched cautiously as Cole stood.
It had been a long time since I’d seen him.
His blond hair was cut short, except on the top, which flopped over in a perfectly styled way.
In his pea coat and dark, fitted jeans, he appeared put together, like a fallen angel come to lead men astray.
As he got closer, his grey eyes remained locked on me, and I squared my shoulders.
Last time we were together, it had taken my best friend and five other guys, most of them intimidating as hell, to give me the courage to stand up to this man. Even then, I’d barely done anything. Now, it was up to me to make sure he returned to the pits of hell from whence he came.
“I knew you’d meet me if I asked,” he said.
“There’s no glory in being a coward.” I stepped to the side when he got too close. Pivoting to face him, I pulled out the note. “This was a pussy way to get in contact.”
“It’s not as easy to talk to you as it used to be. You’ve become . . . high-profile.” His lip curled. “Complete with a bodyguard and everything.”
“Right.” With a sigh, I kicked my foot back to rest flat against the dumpster. “Look, I don’t know what the point of this visit is, but it’s a waste of your time and mine.”
“We never got closure.”
“We didn’t need it.”
“Of course we did.”
“I think the restraining order was enough closure, don’t you?”
He crossed his arms. “You could never decide what you wanted.”
“All the more reason to cut it off.”
“You gave up on us.”
Unable to help myself, I scoffed. “Don’t act like you were slighted in all this.”
“I fucking was. Five years just thrown away. After all we went through together?” Stepping closer, his nostrils flared. “I loved you, Remi.”
I looked at his car. Despite my fear of his arrival, I was shocked he’d actually come.
He’d driven for days. In any other instance, I would have convinced myself it was sweet.
If I hadn’t been with Amir these last two months, it would have been easy to reach that conclusion.
But I had been with Amir, and now that I was here, glimpsing what had once been my life, I felt shame for the first time in over a decade.
“I wanted love,” I admitted. “But you just wanted to feed your ego.”
“You never gave me a chance to fight for you.”
I was surprised by the laugh that escaped me. “Fight for me? Oh, please. You were more likely to fight me.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s Oli and those fucking friends you made. They convinced you of all this.”
“No. You’re the villain here, Cole. Not them. And not me.” I lifted my chin and met his eyes. “You cut me open again and again, and I let you for a long time. You want closure? Here it is. I’m done bleeding for you. Let the gods judge you as they see fit.”
I was about to walk away, but he was suddenly right in front of me. Pressure on my throat made me reach up to stop it, but he slammed me back against the wall.
“Stop playing games with me, baby,” he said, his face so close I could feel his breath. “You’re never done with me. You always come back.”
I shook my head and dug my nails into his wrist.
“He doesn’t know what you like, how you’re dying to be treated.” His grip tightened, stealing my breath. “Not like I do.”
“I don’t . . . want to be treated . . . this way,” I rasped with the last of my air.
“You think what you have with this Darya guy is going to last? Don’t tell me you’ve deluded yourself into believing he wants to make you a stepdad.
” He laughed, and my eyes burned with tears I fought to keep in place.
“You’re a commodity to guys like that. Imagine all the DMs he gets from men who are dying to be on his arm.
” He leaned closer, brushing his lips over mine.
“He’s probably fucking one of them right now. ”
With all the strength I had, I yanked his hand away from my throat and stumbled to the side before he could touch me again. I coughed as I rubbed my trachea.
“Maybe I’ll help you keep his attention a bit longer and send him some of those pictures you used to love taking for me. You were always so fucking desperate.” He groaned. “I still look at them, you know.”
“Screw . . .” My throat ached, and it made me bend forward as I caught my breath. “You.”
“On second thought, there’s a woman who I know would be more than happy to see how . . . hedonistic you can be.”
I turned on him. “Threats? What a great way to show love.”
His expression softened remarkably. “Yeah, you’re right. You just drive me crazy, Remi.”
When he came closer, I shook my head and backed up. “I don’t want anything to do with you. I . . .” My fingers dug into my arms.
“It’ll be different, baby.” When he reached me, he cupped either side of my face. “You forced me to live without you, and it changed me. I’ve been off the snow, I swear. Give me a chance to prove it to you.”
My hands slammed into his chest. Something changed in his expression, and it set off every warning bell.
When he tried to move closer, I shoved him away from me.
He stumbled, and his face hit the brick.
I only made it a couple of steps before he grabbed my arm.
With one hand over his bloody nose, he turned furious eyes on me.
He was about to say something, but he noticed the gun at my side. My arm was bent enough to aim it at him, and his eyes became calculating.
Once he released me, I stepped toward the bar. “Come back here and I’ll fucking kill you, Cole.”
Without another word, I threw open the door and walked inside. I ran right into something, and if my finger hadn’t been off the trigger, I would have fired.
Tommy grabbed the gun from me, his more extensive training and my disorientation making it simple. He didn’t say anything as he opened the door and peered outside. I heard the car pull away, which brought me a modicum of relief.
“What just happened?” Tommy demanded.
“I was taking out the trash.” I held my hand out for the gun, but he didn’t make any move to return it. With a huff, I walked away. “Don’t touch me,” I warned, expecting him to stop me.
“I thought you were taking a break.”
“Two birds.”
He stepped in front of me but kept a healthy distance. “You’re making it hard to do my job.”
“Your job is to keep the bar safe.” I gestured toward the front, then wrapped an arm around myself again. “Keep the patrons from getting rowdy and the burglars from getting greedy.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“What I know is that I can take care of myself, which is what I’ve told Amir, Oli, Dean, and anyone else who has ever tried to do it for me.”
He assessed me silently for a minute. “Why are you this way?”
“I told you we’re not sharing our demons.”
With a grunt, he held the gun out to me. “If people care enough to protect you, let them.”
I took the gun and ran my fingers over the barrel. “You can’t rely on people to keep you safe. People leave, they change, they fail you, they fucking die. And then what?”
“Then you find new people.”
“How’s that working out for you?” When his eyes fell to the floor, I breathed a humorless laugh. “Thought so.”
I headed for the front, but his voice stopped me.
“I haven’t given up. That’s the difference between me and you.”
“Neither have I.”
“On myself, I mean.”
Continuing to the counter, I returned the gun to its holster. There was a girl waiting for a drink, so I jumped right into the swing of things. Tommy took his seat at the bar, but he didn’t say anything or even look at me.
Good. He was here to do a job. I didn’t need his bullshit commentary on things he knew nothing about.
Things were under control. Cole was gone, Clara had nothing interesting left to write, and Amir would be back in two days. Unless he’d found someone better while he was away, of course. Apparently, that was a concern I needed to add to my already full arsenal.