Chapter 54
Fifty-Four
ELI
It was only when I fully took charge and threw myself into organising the catering for Clara and Jesse’s Engagement-ween party that I realised Addie’s birthday party had been small for this family.
There were so many moving parts, and the volume of food that we needed to prepare and cook seemed never-ending. But it was the perfect distraction from the disaster zone that had become my personal life.
Ever since I got that text from Addie saying she wasn’t coming home following her date with Josh, I had felt off-kilter.
Stuck in a never-ending cycle of not feeling good enough and then also feeling stupid for even daring to think that the greatest rule keeper I had ever encountered would break any of the rules that we had set in place.
Although technically, she had broken one.
She was supposed to tell me that she was getting physical with someone else, but I let it go because the two of us hadn’t been together since her first day at work.
And for the past week, I had been given license to work all hours of the day to make sure that this engagement party went off without a hitch, food-wise, so there hadn’t even been a chance for her to speak to me about it.
I was taking a fresh batch of mini sausage rolls out of the oven when the energy of the place changed. Which could only mean the guests of honour had arrived.
Jesse and one of his brothers were both Prince Charming. The Sondheim versions. Rachel and Jesse’s other brother were Megara and Hercules. And their muses were the remaining sisters.
Everybody—all one hundred or so of the guests—was staring at them. It felt like the room was suspended in time, just waiting for the first person to break the silence and approach them.
Before any of them could do that, I put the tray of sausage rolls down and grabbed the chilled glasses of the party’s signature cocktail, which Clara created, from the fridge.
It was a take on an old fashioned that used rum and whisky.
Clara spotted me first, her face breaking out in a massive smile as she made grabby hands for a glass.
“Have you tried these, Eli?” she asked, taking a sip of her drink the moment I handed it to her.
“I haven’t yet, no. But I’ve been following the recipe Darren gave me with the same kind of precision that I would a cake recipe.”
“You’re following it very well,” Clara said around the lip of her glass before taking another sip. She savoured the taste before swallowing with a sigh that made her sink back against Jesse, who wrapped an arm around her waist.
I looked away from the loved-up pair, which was a mistake because I immediately made eye contact with Addie.
My breath caught in my chest at the sight of her.
Braids half up in a bun, and the rest draped over her shoulders.
Her eyes were rimmed with black that made the green so bright, they sparkled.
Her white dress made her skin look an even richer brown.
She looked stunning, and it made my heart ache.
“You’re working?” she asked, her eyebrows drawing together.
“Yeah,” I said simply.
I had been invited. I even received my own invitation to this one. And up until that text from Addie, I had planned on attending as a guest.
“Don’t work too hard,” Jesse said, clapping a hand on my shoulder.
I faked a smile and dragged my eyes away from Addie. “I can’t make any promises.”
With my tray now empty, I disappeared back into the kitchen.
Once the guests of honour had arrived, I fell into the monotony of making sure the guests stayed fed. Cleared empty trays of food. Cooked more food. Removed cooked food from the oven. Put more trays out onto the tables.
Rinse and repeat.
After eight, I opened the dessert table, and as I was arranging the various cakes and cookies, I zoned back into my surroundings. Unsurprisingly, my eyes immediately fell on Addie. She was surrounded by her immediate family.
And then I saw him.
A man who could only be Josh, standing between Addie and Vivi, was channelling his inner Zeus. An outfit that I would have found hilarious if not for the fact that he fit in with them seamlessly.
Which was fine.
I was fine.
Then Josh took Addie’s chin in between his fingers and twisted her head to look at him. His lips pressed against hers. She reached out and rested her hands on his chest.
A cloche clattered to the floor somewhere close to me. I knew I needed to pick it up, but I wasn’t fully in the room.
I was both in Vivi’s and in my own flat in May.
I was standing behind a caterpillar cake, and I was standing frozen in the doorway, my keys dangling from my fingers.
I was watching Addie fall into a kiss, and also watching Freya throw her head back in pleasure on our sofa with a man who wasn’t me.
I managed to get back to the kitchen with no idea how I did it. But before I knew it, the cool metal of the fridge was against my forehead. It felt great, but it wasn’t enough to ground me.
I couldn’t breathe.
I was distantly aware of someone coming into the kitchen.
The swinging door creaked on its hinges.
Then there were hands covered in silver, wrapping around my waist and gently pulling me away from the fridge.
Clara managed to twist me around in her arms and get us both down on the floor before pulling me in closer.
I could hear the steady pulse of her heart and feel the slow movement of her chest.
“Eli, can you breathe in for four for me?” Clara’s voice was soft.
I tried. I managed to count to two before my breath stuttered.
“Good. Try again. Follow me.”
Clara counted to four slowly. I managed to get to the end of the count. We breathed out at the same time. Repeating the pattern a further five times before I finally felt like I had my breathing under some kind of control.
“Five things?”
It wasn’t lost on me that Clara didn’t even ask the whole question.
I took another slow breath.
“Jam stain on the floor. The counter. The bottom of the fridge. Your dress. My arm.”
“Four?”
I took another shaky breath. “The floor beneath me. Your dress. Your arm. My leg.”
My next breath was easier.
“Three?”
“Your heartbeat. The hum of the fridge. The party outside.”
“Two?”
“Whatever your hair smells like and whatever your body lotion is.” I couldn’t drill down into the specific scents. Clara let it slide.
“Thing you can taste?”
“Honestly, nothing. I think I’ve forgotten to eat today.”
We were quiet for a moment.
“You feel better?” she asked quietly, loosening her tight grip around me.
“I can breathe properly now, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“It wasn’t quite, but it will do.”
I pulled back to look at her just in time to see her eyes shift to somewhere over my head. I followed her eyes, half terrified that she was looking at Addie.
I couldn’t face her right now.
Thankfully, it was Jesse.
“Can you take him home? I’ll stay at my parents’,” Clara said to him. It took me a moment to figure out where Clara meant when she said ‘home’.
“I’m fine. I can go back to mine,” I protested, struggling out of Clara’s hold.
Clara scoffed in my ear. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I have a feeling it is to do with my sister, so you are not going back there right now.”
“Nothing is going on,” I shot back. Too quickly.
“Look, you don’t have to tell me. But you can’t be here, and you cannot be alone. So, you’re going home with Jesse, you’re gonna take some time, and then we will reassess tomorrow.” Clara’s voice left no room for fighting.
Jesse’s hand came into view, and I let him pull me up.
“You can go out the back. I’ll make sure it’s closed properly behind you,” Clara said.
“Are neither of you concerned that one of the guests of honour is about to leave?” I asked. One final attempt to be left alone.
They both shook their heads.
“The people who are going to be up in arms about it are not people we really care about. The ones who matter are going to understand that people, you, are more important than a party,” Jesse said.
Tears threatened to escape my eyes.
“If it makes you feel any better, Becky told me he invited himself, and Ads didn’t know how to stop him from coming. And Mum was exclusively speaking French when I left to follow you. She only does that when she disapproves of a person’s presence,” Clara said, a hand squeezing my shoulder.
That made me laugh, the sound wet with unshed tears.
“It doesn’t right now, but thanks for trying.”
She smiled as Jesse wrapped an arm over my shoulder and led me out of the kitchen.