Denver （Eighteen Years Old）
Denver
(eighteen years old)
When Mom died, we didn’t anticipate Dad disappearing in the middle of the night less than a week later. But he did.
With fucking impeccable timing, too. He ducked out right before we had to bring the herd home from grazing land, leaving my brothers and me to call in favors at damn near every ranch within an hour of ours. You don’t expect losing one man to have such a huge impact, but Grandpa died and Dad took over all the ranch operations, not bothering to teach any of us. So when he left, it meant my brothers and I were essentially handed a cattle ranch we had to learn how to operate from scratch. Austin didn’t sleep for at least a week straight—trying to wrap his mind around the ranch’s finances all night, then helping with chores all day. Jackson, Red, and I were working a minimum of fifteen hours daily.
Not to mention, Dad wasn’t around for the funeral. Thank God for Kate, who took care of pretty well everything. By the time the date came three weeks after Mom had died, I was so spent, I did nothing but hold tight to Blair’s arm and wait for the day to end. My mind erased every detail of that day, wiping the slate clean so I could jump back into cattle sorting the following morning.
I didn’t complain about all of this— not really —because it’s hard to think about the fact that your entire world has fallen apart in the past few months when you’re too tired to think at all. The work was a welcome distraction.
Blair and I hadn’t talked a lot, simply because of our busy schedules. While I was busting my ass at the ranch, she was trying to play catch-up from the week she spent with me after Mom died. She drove to Wells Canyon the night before the funeral, and back to Vancouver the morning after, so I didn’t even get time with her. Otherwise, we were surviving on the occasional text message, and a phone call once a week.
Despite all that, I assumed we were in a good place, until I got back to cell service just before dusk on a random weeknight and found a cell phone crammed full of missed calls from Blair.
I hung back, letting the rest of the guys get ahead on their horses, and called her.
“Hey, baby. I miss you,” she said softly, with a waver in her voice that told me she’d been crying.
“What’s going on?”
“I…well, um, I don’t really—” Her breathing was short and snappy. Gasping.
“Take a breath, Bear. Are you okay?”
“Please promise me you aren’t going to freak out or be mad or anything. Okay?”
My stomach twisted, preparing for the worst possible scenario. And to be honest, I was so exhausted, I couldn’t even begin to picture what that scenario might be.
“ Please, ” she pleaded against my silence.
“Okay, I promise.”
“Denver…I— fuck— I’m…” Her words trailed off as the tears made it too hard for her to talk between heaving sobs.
“Are you—” I took a second to clear the lump in my throat before letting the words fly out at high speed, hardly taking a breath while I spoke. “Are you breaking up with me? I’m sorry I’ve been so busy, and I haven’t been able to come visit you, or even call very often. But I love you more than—”
“Oh my God, no. That’s not what’s happening here. I’m pregnant.”
It’s a small miracle I didn’t fall off my horse, but— fuck me— I gripped the saddle horn for dear life. My eyes instantly glazed over, covering the hills around me in a disorienting fog.
“Blair, shit. Okay…when are you coming home?”
“I can’t. I just took time off school for your mom, so I can’t.” The air was silent for a long while, then she quietly added, “I had an appointment at the school clinic today to confirm it. I didn’t want to stress you out when I took the test yesterday, in case it was wrong.”
“Baby, you should’ve called. Okay, so…you’ll be home for Christmas in two weeks, right? The day after your last exam?” My brain spun in circles in an attempt to figure out a way to see her sooner.
“Um…I already scheduled my appointment at the hospital for right after I finish exams. So I might be coming home a couple days later than I thought.”
My stomach flopped around like a dying fish. “Wait, why?”
“Denver…” Her voice dropped, thick with emotion. “I can’t keep this baby.”
I could’ve thrown up. Don’t know how I didn’t, honestly. Instead, I let my horse slowly bring us home—couldn’t even find the wherewithal to hold the reins. “Well, don’t you think we should discuss this?”
“I don’t really know what there is to discuss. We can’t have a baby…we’re eighteen. I’m in school, you’re killing yourself on the ranch.”
“So you quit school and stay here—”
She cut me off with a new sharpness in her voice. “I quit school? One semester in and you think I should quit to be your housewife?”
“I can take care of you and the baby. You can live here, and I’ll take care of us.”
“We’re eighteen.” She sniffled. “I don’t want that.”
“What about me? What about what I want?”
“I don’t think you want it either.”
Wrong.
“Besides, I’m the one who has to give up everything in this scenario,” she said.
Except she wasn’t. Because this seemed so much like fate—after so many shitty things happening all at once, there could be a tiny glimmer of hope. If she didn’t keep the baby, I would give up the chance to have a family again.
“Blair…”
“I didn’t call you to have this fight. You promised you wouldn’t freak out or get mad.”
How was I supposed to not freak out?
“That was before I knew you were pregnant, and not letting me be involved in any decisions.”
“Please, don’t make this harder on me. Please. ” She sighed into the phone, and I hated that I could perfectly picture the heartbreak on her face. “I’m trying to do what’s best here.”
“Baby…”
“I need to go. I have a class soon.”
“Blair, can we talk more about this before you make any decisions? Let me have a say.”
My words fell on deaf ears. I could tell by the exasperated exhale she responded with. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Please? I love you.”
“I love you so much,” she said quietly before hanging up.
The instant the line went dead, I rode back to the barn relying solely on muscle memory while my mind went a hundred miles per hour. I needed to talk to her in person, then she’d see how serious I was about making the best of this situation.
A baby at eighteen wasn’t ideal, obviously, but we could make it work. My parents had kids when they were young, and it worked out. If Mom had waited for another five or ten years, she would’ve died long before we reached adulthood. So maybe having kids young was some sort of divine plan.
Fuck, what I would’ve given to get her input on things. If anybody had the power to change Blair’s mind about something, it was my mom.
I went through the motions as though I’d been sedated, my limbs moved by marionette strings. By the time I was done getting my horse put away and fed, I was the last man around, the other ranch hands likely halfway through dinner already. Not that I was in a position to eat with my queasy stomach, nor did I have the time.
Without allowing myself a second to overthink, I beelined for the big house, stormed up the stairs, and packed a bag.
Sure, Blair’s appointment was weeks away, but that didn’t stop the urgency from coursing through my veins. I needed to be with her. The only way I was having another discussion about the situation was in person, and we desperately needed to have another discussion.
When I barreled back down the stairs, I collided with Austin rounding the corner. His massive hands gripped my shoulders to keep me from toppling backward—center of balance shot, thanks to the overstuffed backpack slung over my shoulder.
“Where are you going?”
I white-knuckled the banister. “I need to get to Blair.”
“Denver.” He fisted my shirt to prevent me blowing past him. His tone stern and fatherly. “You can’t drive five hours to Vancouver right now.”
“I need to see her. Talk to her.”
“So pick up the goddamn phone.”
“If that was an option right now, I would, Aus. But I need to see her. You don’t…you don’t understand.” I peeled his fingers from my shirt one at a time. “I’m sorry, and I’ll be back as soon as I get things sorted. Love you.”
“ Denver! ” he yelled, following me outside. “You’re not leaving here, too. You need to stay.”
Realizing he probably thought I was taking off for good, like our father, I decided he deserved more. “Aus, I’m coming back. Don’t say a word to anyone—Blair’s pregnant. I need to go get her. I need to bring her home.”
His entire demeanor shifted, along with the shifting of his weight as he stood on the front porch. His hand dragged down his face. “ Shit. Okay. Okay, go get your girl.”
—
The five-hour drive to Vancouver took just over four, but I spent an extra two trying to navigate the city streets. And forty whole minutes wandering through the campus looking for her building.
Standing in front of her door at two a.m., I briefly considered going somewhere to catch some sleep and coming back in the morning with a level head. But I also desperately needed to see her. And the selfish desire to look into her eyes outweighed everything else, so I knocked. Softly, at first, mindful of her roommates. Then a bit harder.
When a random guy opened the door, blood rushed past my eardrums and I gripped the doorframe to keep from passing out. I’d never been the jealous type—never needed to be. Blair was my girl. Everyone in town knew it, and she’d never given me reason to doubt her.
Until this motherfucker.
“Can I help you, man?” the tall, football-player type said. Sure, he had a solid fifty pounds on me, but I was pretty fast. I could potentially dodge punches for long enough to do some damage to this guy.
Clearing my throat, I tried to deepen my voice. “I’m here for Blair.”
You know. My girlfriend.
“Denver?” Blair’s voice came from somewhere deeper in the dorm. Then she popped up beside him in a tank top and pajama pants, hair falling over her bare shoulders.
“Brennan, it’s fine. I got it.” She grabbed his arm, shuffling him to the side. My eyes briefly flitted between them and, clearly noticing, Blair added, “Brennan’s my roommate’s boyfriend.”
With a small huff, Brennan disappeared into the dorm, leaving Blair staring at me with a worried look in her eyes.
“What are you doing here? Did you drive straight here after our phone call?”
“Of course I did. I couldn’t leave things like that.”
“Den—you being here isn’t going to make me change my mind.”
“Can we talk about it? Please?”
She backed away from the door, and I walked into the small dorm space; it looked completely different from when I’d tagged along with her family to move her in back in August. The walls were decorated with posters, dirty dishes littered the counter, and a set of bikes leaned against the only spare wall.
“So, your roommate’s boyfriend…Does he live here?” I looked around for traces of his belongings.
Blair rolled her eyes at me, locking the front door. “No. He stays here with Ashley sometimes. Come on, we can go talk in my room.”
I followed her through the tiny, dark living space to her tiny, dark bedroom. Plopping down on top of her bed, I waited for her to sit next to me before breathing. And her hand fell to my thigh—a surefire sign she still loved me.
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” she asked.
“Well, for one…how are you feeling? Are you sick?”
She shrugged. “I’ve been better, but it’s honestly not too bad. Apparently I have an iron stomach when it comes to—” Her hand quickly draws a circle around her stomach. “But I throw up anytime I drink. It makes zero sense.”
“Well, better than being sick constantly.” I connected the freckles on her forearm with my index finger. “Bear…I think we need to discuss all the options here. Maybe it’s not ideal, but this could be something really good. You can always go back to school later, or get a job, or neither. I meant what I said about taking care of you.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose between her shaky fingers. “I don’t want you to feel obligated, and I don’t want—I can’t give up on school.”
“But…”
“Denver. I can’t have this baby.”
“I thought we both wanted to get married and have kids one day.” My voice wavered, and I had to talk around the mass quickly growing in my throat. Frantic about the way I was stroking her arm, because it suddenly seemed like this might be my last chance to touch her. She was pulling away. That much was clear in the way her palm slipped off my leg, and she didn’t bother to replace it.
“ One day. Not right now. We’re barely adults….”
“My parents got married at nineteen, and look at how happy they were. We can be like that. We can make the best of this. Be a family now. ” I had half a mind to be embarrassed over how weak and pleading my voice was, yet I couldn’t bring myself to stop. “All I want is you, and this baby, and us. The house, the ranch, the kids. I want that with you. I want to give that to you, Bear. Please. ”
She wiped away the tears from under her eyes, sniffling. “Den…I love you, and I know that’s the plan for one day. But I wasn’t expecting this to happen right now.”
I shoved my hand into my front pocket, eyes brimmed with tears as I dropped to my knee in front of her. My hands were so clammy I fumbled with opening the small jewelry box, pulling out my mother’s ring. “You’re my entire world. I would give up anything to have you—to have a family with you. If there’s even a tiny part of you that wants the things we talked about, a tiny part that loves me, please marry me.”
A sob racked her body. “That’s not fair.”
“Just like it’s not fair for you to make a life-changing decision without caring about my input.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing for myself…for both of us. I love you.” The words barely left her mouth before she was clasping a hand over it to stop a gut-wrenching cry.
“Then marry me.” I leaned forward, still on my knee, and grabbed her face so she was forced to look me in the eye. “Marry me, and I promise to make you so fucking happy. Please, Blair. Marry me. ”
She was so quiet for a minute, I couldn’t help but get my hopes up. Until I reached to wipe the tears from her jawline, and she ducked her head away from me—cutting me off and wiping her own tears.
I choked out her name with the last breath left in my lungs. And when she didn’t respond, I sank back to sit on my heels and cried the hardest I had since the day my mom died.
Finally, after what very well could’ve been a century, she spoke back up. “I love you, but—”
“The word ‘but’ instantly means the first part of your sentence is bullshit.”
She flashed a derisive sneer in my direction. “Now you’re being a jerk.”
I threw my hands up. “A jerk for wanting to give you the life we’ve dreamt about together? For wanting to have a family?”
“A jerk for not realizing that maybe your dream isn’t the same as mine.”
“Since fucking when? That’s not true.”
It couldn’t be true. I knew Blair better than anyone else on Earth. She wouldn’t have said all those things just to make me happy. She wanted it. I was sure.
I rubbed my watering eyes with the back of my hand. “We’ve talked about this so many times, and not once did you make it sound like that wasn’t what you wanted.”
“I want to finish the program I busted my butt to get accepted into. I want to enjoy being young, figuring out who I am. What if I decide I love being in the city? Or I get a job offer somewhere else?”
“What if you decide you love living on the ranch and being a mom? You can go horseback riding every day. We can be together every night.”
She shut her eyes, squeezing tears from the slivered crack in her eyelids. “Denver, I can’t . A few years from now, maybe I’d feel differently. But I can’t right now. You’re asking for a life I’m not ready for. If this is what you want—a sweet little housewife and a bunch of kids—maybe you need to find a girl who’s ready to give that to you. It’s not going to be me, though.”
Bullshit. Every word spewing from her lips had to be complete bullshit. I refused to believe she actually felt this way because it felt a lot like…
“Blair, are you breaking up with me?”
She shook her head no, but the rest of her body language screamed yes—arms crossed, scowl painted across her tear-stained cheeks. Then she finally whispered, “I don’t know.”
I bit my lip hard to keep from screaming. “You can’t. Blair, I came here because I can’t live without you. I needed to talk to you. I needed—”
“You came here because you thought you could talk me out of a decision that affects my body, and has way more of an impact on my life than it does yours.”
“I guess because I thought this was impacting our life. The one we’ve been planning together. ” I stared up at her as I sank further into the personal hell that was her bedroom floor, when all I wanted to do was crawl into her bed and hold her.
“I love you, but I can’t be who you want me to be, or do what you want me to do. I’m sorry. So sorry. I love you…and I hope one day you see this is for the best.” She gulped, wiping away the tears that clung to the twitching muscle in her jaw. “My appointment is on December third, if you want to come be supportive.”
“So that’s that? Fuck me, right?”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you. I would never. I just… can’t. ”
On shaky legs—like a newborn horse—I stood and rubbed the pads of my fingers over my eyes. I leaned in and, to my surprise, she let me kiss her softly on the forehead.
The ring box fell from my hand to her bedspread, and I said, “You can keep this or sell it or have it melted and made into a necklace. Whatever you want. Mom wanted me to give it to you.”
She didn’t fight me leaving her room, or her dorm, or her building. She didn’t text or call. And despite how exhausted I was in every sense of the word, I drove the entire way home and then continued right past the ranch. Until I found a road I’d never been on before, and when the road turned into something resembling a trail for ATVs—with a cliff on one side—I didn’t even hesitate to continue.
Maybe it was dramatic and morbid and insane, but I didn’t care a whole lot in that moment if my truck went off the road and rolled two hundred feet to the bottom. Instead of dying, I found a place where I could scream and nobody would ever hear me.
So I did. Until my lungs nearly collapsed the same way my knees did. Bloodied legs from falling on the rocks underfoot, I bent down so my forehead hit the dirt, and I unloaded every ounce of emotion left in me.
Then I sat there for hours before returning mid-afternoon to find Austin waiting in my room for me.
“No Blair?” he asked.
“No Blair.” I stripped off the clothes I’d been wearing for two straight days and slid into a pair of sweatpants. “I proposed, and then I think she broke up with me, actually.”
“I thought you were going there to bring her home….”
“She called me yesterday and said she made an appointment for an abortion. Thought maybe I could change her mind.” My eyes were instantly heavy when my head hit the pillow. “Thought wrong.”
“That’s a piss-poor reason to break up.”
“Suddenly everything we’ve talked about over the years has apparently been a lie, according to her. Seems like a damn good reason to me.” I rolled to my side, facing the wall. “Can I get some sleep, please?”
“You two will work it out, buddy.” Austin slapped his palm against my leg, and didn’t say a single word when I spent the rest of the week in bed.