Chapter 18
18
To my absolute surprise and shock, Emma not only agrees to the Date Auction but seems to be fully in favor of the idea. She must really be desperate to save the bakery because she doesn’t even put up a fight when I tell her a date with her is most definitely on the docket. Her excitement reinforces what I already knew was going to be a brilliant plan and I face down my to-do list with the kind of fervor I used to save for my biggest clients.
So plans for the Save the Bakery Date Auction barrel on, full steam ahead. With Ben at my side, everything becomes about ten times easier. Suddenly everyone is willing to donate their time, money, prizes, and themselves. Seriously, the man has been here just as long as I have—how has he managed to ingratiate himself to everyone in town so quickly? If he weren’t on my team, I would hate him. But I obviously don’t hate him because who could possibly hate Ben? He’s charming and witty and intelligent and patient and a million other qualities I shouldn’t even notice, let alone admire.
And something happens in those moments when we’re working together. Something I don’t want to examine too closely, but something that might resemble us opening up to each other. I’ve already shared more with Ben than I have with anyone else, but as we’re recruiting daters and designing tablescapes, it becomes about the little things. Like how Ben had dreams of playing baseball before he broke his elbow in high school. Or how I envied my peers who took creative writing classes, something I always wanted to explore, but that Grandmother claimed was frivolous. We start to truly get to know each other in a way I haven’t experienced with anyone else before, and it’s nice. More than nice.
Being so busy with the fundraiser means I don’t have a lot of spare time left over for dates with Noah, but after a week without seeing him, I finally give in and agree to meet him for dinner. I insist on meeting him at the restaurant since I’m already in town working on fundraiser stuff, not because I don’t want Ben to see him coming to pick me up.
Noah leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek as I rush into the lobby, breathless from sprinting across the town square. “You made it.”
I shrug out of my coat, draping it over my arm and doing my best not to tilt my cheek away from his kiss. “Sorry, got held up with some fundraiser stuff.”
Noah’s brow wrinkles. “It might be best if we don’t talk about that tonight. Keeping the business and personal separate and all that.”
“Sure.” I follow the hostess to our table, barely noting Noah’s hand resting on the small of my back.
We sit and peruse our menus. Order some wine and an appetizer. Make pleasant small talk about the weather. And then we stare. Not at each other, because that would be weird. But at the floor, and the ceiling tiles, and at my own reflection in the spoon.
Noah clears his throat. “So how are you feeling about everything?”
I take a small sip of wine to hide my grimace. “I’m afraid you might need to be a tad more specific. How am I feeling about what, exactly?”
He shrugs and waves his hands around aimlessly. “You know. Everything.”
“What would you like to hear about first? My job at the bakery you’re trying to shut down? Or the fundraiser aimed at stopping you? Those are the two main things happening in my life right now, Noah.” I don’t mean the words to sound completely bitchy. I can’t help it if that’s my natural tone.
He has the decency to look a little bit shamed. Not enough, but a little bit. “I know.” He sighs. “I’m sorry for the bad timing and all of this bakery stuff. I guess what I’m really trying to ask is how you’re feeling about us?”
I purse my lips together to keep from blurting out the real answer. I barely even thought about Noah in the week we didn’t see each other because his absence has no effect on me. Which is probably not a good sign.
But I can’t say that. One, because he actually looks sort of hopeful. And two, because this is my last chance. If I write Noah off…well I don’t actually know what happens if I write Noah off because I’m too afraid to ask, but I know it isn’t good.
I adjust my napkin in my lap so I have something to do with my hands. “I don’t really know how I feel about us, Noah. Maybe we just need to see how things turn out with the bakery before we can really give this a chance.”
He spins his glass of wine around on the table before taking a long sip. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I usually am.” I flash a playful wink so he knows I’m only sort of serious.
The server drops off our appetizer and takes the rest of our order. I dig into the pile of calamari, thankful to have something else to focus my attention on.
“Why don’t you tell me a bit about what a typical day in your life looks like? Your life before you moved to Heart Springs, I mean.”
I pop a bite in my mouth to delay having to answer the very simple question. My life outside of Heart Springs looked like one thing: work. It’s a sentiment I know Noah will understand, and yet I’m hesitant to reduce my life to something so devoid of any feelings or emotions. Or people other than my colleagues, a group that includes most of my family, though I think of them more as co-workers.
“To be totally honest with you, my whole life has always revolved around my job. I work for my family’s law firm and it’s expected that we all work to make partner, which I did. I basically devoted my entire existence to the firm. I don’t have much to talk about outside of my job.”
“Do you miss them?”
“Who?”
Noah raises his eyebrows. “Your family.”
My cheeks flush a little because, outside of the context of work, I’ve barely thought about my family. “Um…yes?”
Noah reaches out across the table and takes my hand in his. “You know I understand being devoted to your job. I think we both know I share the sentiment.”
“But?” My hand feels clammy in his and I want to pull away, but he seems to be having some kind of moment here.
“But family is important too. As are friends. As is having some kind of life outside of work.”
I slip my hand from his, not caring if it’s rude or not, reminding myself that Noah doesn’t know the whole story about how I landed here and why. “Living here in Heart Springs is doing a good job of teaching me that.”
Noah sits back in his chair. “I suppose.”
For some reason his response pisses me off. “You know, I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask to go on a date with you. I didn’t ask to be forced into a relationship.”
He holds up his hands in surrender. “Whoa. Cam. I’m not even sure what you’re talking about. Who’s forcing you to be in a relationship? I’m just trying to get to know you better because Ben said he thought we would be a good match.”
The words hit me right in the gut, a reminder who set me up with this man, and why.
A wave of total and complete hopelessness washes over me as I stare at Noah’s gorgeous face and his perfect suit and his expensive watch.
Because I don’t think I can ever fall in love with Noah. And if I can’t fall in love with him—a man so perfectly suited for me, I might as well have picked him out of a catalog—I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fall in love with anyone.
That thought wouldn’t have bothered me before I arrived here. Who needs love when you have money and success?
But now, in this moment, the realization makes me sad.
“I think I need to go,” I say quietly, pushing back my chair. “I’m not feeling well.”
Noah stands. “Let me walk you home.”
I shake my head, already moving toward the exit. “No, stay and enjoy your dinner. I’ll be fine.”
I powerwalk through the main square and up the walkway leading to my cottage. As if the slight increase in speed will allow me to ignore the elephant on the porch next door. My hand reaches out to grip the doorknob, but I can’t make myself turn it.
Instead, I turn to Ben, sitting in his gorgeous handmade chair, looking at me like he knows everything that just happened. And maybe somehow he does.
He pats the empty chair next to him in invitation and I take it, recognizing it as the chair from his workshop. Sinking into the wood that feels like it’s been perfectly molded to my body, I don’t bother trying to suppress my emotions any longer.
“We’re well and truly fucked, Ben.”
He hands me a full glass of wine. “It can’t be that bad, sweetheart.”
“I think I’m going to be stuck here forever.” I take a long sip and lean back in my chair. “Which means, by default, you are also going to be stuck here forever.”
“I’m sure nothing like that has ever happened here before.”
“I have been known to break records.”
We sit in silence for a minute, but it’s a comfortable one; despite the turmoil in my brain, it’s a peaceful one. I want to tell Ben everything. How much I don’t like Noah. How much I think I might like him . How he is the man I look forward to talking to and laughing with and how just the sight of him sitting on his porch makes my stomach flutter. I want to tell him that I’ll probably suck at this whole relationship and falling-in-love bit, but that if he could be patient with me, maybe this could actually be something. The thoughts roll through my mind and dance on the back of my tongue, but I can’t seem to give them voice. We’ve spent so much time together recently working on the fundraiser that he has to feel it too. Even if we can’t say it.
“I think you should give Noah another chance,” Ben finally says, his eyes locked on a spot far in the distance.
One time I was so busy yelling at an intern over the phone that I tripped while walking on my treadmill and fell flat on my chest. It took two minutes to fully regain my breath and it felt like hours.
This is so much worse than that.
I study his profile since he is very purposefully not meeting my gaze. His advice and the way he seems to not even want to look at me suggest that whatever spark I might have been feeling between us is in fact one-sided. And holy fuck, does that hurt. I mean, of course it does. No one has ever rejected me before. Probably because I’ve never allowed myself to have actual feelings before.
So thanks, Ben, for reminding me why I keep the walls up.
I don’t say anything because there’s nothing to say.
Ben finally looks my way. “I met someone, Cam.”
For a second, the words don’t compute. I want to respond that of course he met someone, we’ve met a whole host of someones since waking up here in Heart Springs.
But then he keeps talking. “Mimi set us up. She thinks we’re perfect for each other.”
Why couldn’t Mimi have thought he’d be perfect for me?
Maybe because I’m a selfish bitch who doesn’t deserve him.
I force myself to say something, if only to keep any remaining minuscule shreds of dignity intact. “That’s great. I’m really happy for you.”
He offers me a small smile. “Thanks.”
“Too bad it wasn’t you tasked with falling in love or we’d already be on our way home.” I down the rest of my wine and push out of my chair. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”
His smile turns pained. “Tomorrow.”
“Think your new girlfriend will be okay with you getting auctioned off?”
“Hopefully she’ll be the highest bidder.” There’s not a lot of conviction in his voice.
“She’s going to have to have deep pockets if you think you’re going to bring in more money than me.”
“Here’s hoping.”
I hesitate at the bottom of the steps, not willing to drag myself away just yet. “I really appreciate all you’ve done for me, Ben. It probably sounds strange and maybe a little bit pathetic, but I think you might be the best friend I’ve ever had.”
A wave of something like anguish washes over his face. “Cam…”
I force out a stilted laugh. “Okay, that actually was even more pathetic than I intended. Anyway, thank you for the wine.” I turn and race down the walkway, for a second considering hopping right over the fence so I can get to my front door as soon as possible. But I know I’m not smooth enough to pull that off and the only thing that could make tonight worse would be falling flat on my face.
“Cam!” Ben’s voice halts me in my steps, right as I reach his gate. He trails halfway down the path. “I don’t have to go on a date. I could tell Mimi I’m not interested, if I had a good reason. Is there a good reason I should tell Mimi I’m not interested, or not available?”
I open my mouth to give him a hundred reasons why he should forget that other girl and choose me, but I close it just as quickly. I’m not good for Ben. I’m not good for anyone, really, but especially someone like him. I’m sure this girl Mimi has picked out for him likes kids and animals and is probably a kindergarten teacher or a librarian or a fellow doctor. Someone who knows how to help people. Someone who knows how to put others in front of her own selfish needs. Someone who is the complete opposite of me.
“Go on your date, Ben. I’m sure it will be great. I can’t wait to hear all about it.” I don’t wait for a response, pushing through my own gate, barely making it through my front door before the tears start flowing.
Huh. Wasn’t sure my tear ducts still worked. But if the rest of the night is any indication, they’re going to make up for lost time.