Chapter 25
25
I leave Emma at the bakery, tuck my hands into my coat pockets, and take my time walking back home. There’s a strange feeling in my chest, one I’m not entirely familiar with. It expands, warmth flooding through my frozen veins, as I smile and wave to everyone I pass. As they smile and wave to me.
For the first time, maybe ever, everything in my life seems to be going right.
It should bring on nothing but elation, but instead, it stokes a little niggling fear in the back of my brain. Because if everything is going so right, there’s only one possible way for things to go from here: down.
And with so much left unknown, I don’t even know what down looks like.
It’s an unsettling feeling, and the more I wallow in it, the more my brain runs away with itself. Sure, it’s easy to think about never going home, or going home and not remembering Ben. But what about all the ways things could go wrong with Ben, here and now?
What if he doesn’t actually love me? What if all of this has just been a ploy to get me to fall for him? I know Ben has no chance of getting out of Heart Springs without me fulfilling my tasks. Maybe he saw how hopeless things were with me and Noah and decided to swoop in and solve that problem for himself.
My stomach turns at the thought of Ben somehow duping me. I want to believe such a thing isn’t even possible.
And yet, when I see him waiting for me on his front porch despite the frigid temperature outside, I can’t help the doubt tornado that rips through first my head and then my chest.
I accept the glass of wine he hands me, but rather than sinking into my favorite porch chair, I push open the front door and escape into the warmth of his home.
“Everything all right?”
I collapse onto his sofa, tucking my feet underneath me. “I don’t know.”
He sits down next to me, extending his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his embrace. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”
“What if we just don’t go home?” I blurt the question without fully thinking it through. I’m grateful for my instincts though, because how Ben answers might give me the insight that I need.
Ben sighs, his fingers tracing soothing circles over my shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about that too.”
“You have?”
He nods, setting down his own wineglass on the coffee table. “Ever since we had our talk with Mimi. I don’t know what else there is for us to do, Cam. From my perspective, you’ve more than fulfilled all three of your tasks.”
“And yet, we’re still here.”
“We’re still here.”
I swirl the dark-colored liquid in my glass. “And how do you feel about that?” It’s obvious fishing, but I don’t much care.
He takes in a long breath, taking my wineglass from me and setting it next to his. He shifts so he’s fully facing me, taking my hands in his. “I think I would be okay with it.”
I release a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
He continues on, probably interpreting my confusion for anger. “Hear me out. I know how important it is for you to go home, and I want that for you, I really do.”
“But?” My voice is little more than a whisper.
“But I think a part of me would rather stay here with you than risk going home and never being with you again.”
Before, Ben had managed to put a whole lot of cracks in the hard shell around my heart. But with those words, he takes a sledgehammer to the remaining glass, destroying the barrier and leaving me open and raw. It should feel vulnerable, and scary as fuck, to be so exposed, but with my heart safely in Ben’s hands, I know there’s no chance of it being damaged.
“I love you.”
It’s the first time either of us has ever said it, plain and straightforward and cutting right to the heart of it.
His chocolate eyes lighten, and he takes my face in his hands. “I love you too, sweetheart.”
His lips brush over mine in the softest, sweetest kiss, and I lean into it. Lean into him.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ears. “It feels good to finally say that out loud.”
“It does.” I shift on the sofa, turning so my legs drape over his lap. “I do still want to find a way for us to get home, Ben. But if it doesn’t happen, if we are stuck here forever, then I know I can be totally happy being stuck here with you.”
“Are you sure? What about your job, your family?”
“I guess let’s worry about that later. I know for sure I’ve fulfilled the love task. We can look at my other two tasks and see if there’s something we’re missing.” I smooth away the wrinkles on his forehead with my finger. “What about your job and your family?”
He frowns. “I would miss them, of course; I can’t lie about that.” Ben shakes his head. “But that’s a problem for tomorrow.” He shifts my weight in his lap so I’m straddling him, one of my thighs tucked on either side of his.
We both wear jeans and thick sweaters and yet the heat of him burns through my clothes, warming me to my core.
“Tonight there’s only one thing that matters.”
I rope my arms around his neck. “And what’s that?”
“You love me.”
“I do.”
“And I love you.” Ben dots a kiss on my right cheek, then my left, then my forehead, then the tip of my nose. “I’ve never said those words to anyone else.”
“Me neither.” I twine my fingers through his hair. “And I truly mean it, Ben. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” I know then that any doubts I had about Ben’s feelings for me are unfounded. He’s never given me any reason to not trust him, and even though it’s scary and foreign, I do trust him. With my whole, formerly ice-cold heart.
His forehead falls to mine. “I want to make love to you tonight, Cam.”
Said by any other man in any other circumstance, I would have groaned at the cheesiness of the sentiment. But here, with him, I want nothing more than to lose ourselves in each other.
He presses a lingering kiss to the side of my throat. “I want to feel what it’s like to be buried inside you.” His lips trail up to my jaw, tracing over the smooth skin with little nips of his teeth. “I want to make you scream out my name.”
“Jesus, Ben. Where have you been keeping all this dirty talk?”
He grins against my neck, his tongue tracing maddening circles on the sensitive skin there. “I’ve got to keep you on your toes, sweetheart.”
“Mission accomplished.”
He brushes another lingering kiss across my lips. “So, what do you say?”
“What do you mean, what do I say? Yes, let’s fuck, let’s make love, let’s do whatever will get you out of those clothes and naked in bed the quickest.”
He chuckles, pushing up from the couch, my legs wrapped around his waist, his hands supporting my butt. “Oh sweetheart, there’s going to be nothing quick about tonight.” He carries me into his bedroom. It’s not the first time I’ve been in here, but already tonight feels different. Heavier, and more important somehow. I see the room in a new light. How the soft flannel sheets are a lot like Ben himself, comforting and warm. When I’m tucked underneath his covers, I feel safe and protected.
Ben sets me on my feet at the edge of the bed, and I rise up on my toes so I can kiss him properly. I try to get to the good stuff, teasing the seam of his lips with the tip of my tongue, but he grins against my mouth and shakes his head. Rather than opening to me like he normally would, he lets his lips move gently against mine, delivering kisses that are as soft as those flannel sheets I want to be in between right now.
My instincts tell me to fight him, to shove my hand down his pants and stroke him in the way I know gets him hard and ready. But for once, I tell myself to not be the contrarian. Ben and I will only ever have one first time together, and I want to enjoy it, let myself really feel and experience it.
Ugh, the whole thing is so sweet and tender, it almost makes me sick.
But then Ben’s kisses drift down to my neck and I forget about everything but the sensation of him. His fingers tug on the neckline of my sweater and his mouth drifts over my exposed shoulder. I wasn’t aware shoulders were erogenous zones, but I’m quickly disabused of that notion.
My fingers rake through his hair and my eyes flutter closed. I lean into him, breathing in his woodsy scent, relishing the scrape of his stubble over my smooth skin. His mouth makes its way back over the trail of my neck, landing on mine once again. This time it’s his tongue teasing the seam of my lips, and I open for him, falling into him as we explore each other.
This isn’t our first kiss, not by a long shot, but it feels like I’m learning a whole new Ben tonight.
He cups my cheeks in his hands, his mouth breathing new life into me. “You’re so beautiful, I can hardly stand it, sweetheart.”
I can’t seem to make my brain formulate difficult things like words, so I say nothing, showing him my feelings instead. He reaches for the hem of my sweater, and I don’t hesitate before yanking it over my head. When we separate out of the sheer necessity of needing to take each other’s clothes off, I find myself caught in his gaze. His eyes are so dark, they almost look black and they trail over my chest, wrapped in a lacy black bra because the only thing I find in my drawers these days are matching sets of pretty lingerie.
I reach around my back to unhook it, letting the straps slide off my shoulders. His eyes burn as they trace over me and my nipples harden under the intensity of his gaze.
But I need more than his eyes on me. I take his hand in mine, bringing it to my breast. He knows my body well enough by now to know just how to stroke the sensitive skin around my nipple, teasing me with his fluttering touches before he cups my breast in his hand and brings his mouth to my skin. His tongue swirls around the peaked bud and my knees weaken. Luckily, he’s there, a firm hand on my lower back keeping me upright as his teeth graze over me, making me shiver.
My fingers latch on to the waistband of his jeans, needing an anchor while also needing more of him, needing all of him. I fumble with the button and he doesn’t pause his ministrations to help me, leaving me to attempt to get him undressed all while his mouth works its distracting magic.
I finally free him from the denim and my hand cups the hard length of him through the fabric of his boxer briefs. He grunts and the vibration of it on my nipple nearly sends me over the edge. I manage to shed my own jeans before pushing him away just enough to climb onto the bed. He perches over me, both of us down to our underwear but it’s too much left between us.
Instead of removing that final barrier, he lowers his head and kisses me again. This time there’s nothing soft or sweet about it. Our tongues tangle, our teeth nip at each other. I tug him down so the weight of him presses me to the bed. My hips thrust, searching for relief, searching for him, and I find him, rubbing against his hardness until we’re both panting.
I reach in between our bodies to shimmy out of my underwear and, mercifully, Ben frees himself of his boxers.
“You sure you’re ready?” I wrap my hand around him, stroking slowly until his eyes flutter with arousal.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, sweetheart. Are you sure?” His hands gently press my thighs open and I sigh with pleasure when his fingers dance over me, finding that perfect spot and stroking me until I can barely see straight.
“I’m really fucking sure, Ben. I need you inside me,” I pant, desperate for him and for relief that can only come from him pressing into me.
His weight disappears for a half a second, but when he returns, he’s got a condom in his hand. He makes quick work of opening the package and rolling it on.
He takes his cock in his hand, hovering at my entrance, teasing me, driving me absolutely mad. “I love you, Cam.”
His declaration is more than enough to make me forgive him for making me wait. I reach up to cup his cheek in my hand. “I love you, Ben.”
He pushes inside me in one slow thrust, both of us releasing matching moans when he’s fully seated. I bring his mouth to mine and let the thrusts of our tongues mimic the thrust of his hips. It’s slow and delicious and I never want this feeling to end.
“Jesus, Cam, how do you feel so perfectly made for me?” he mutters into my neck.
“I was perfectly made for you. Just like you were perfectly made for me.”
He pulls away just enough to be able to look in my eyes. “That was some sappy shit right there, sweetheart.”
“Don’t get used to it.” I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him deeper into me.
“Can you come like this?” he asks as his hips move faster, mine rolling up to meet his every thrust.
“I don’t know,” I pant. I can feel the orgasm building deep in my belly, but penetration alone isn’t usually enough to get me off.
Before I can say anything else, Ben flips us so he’s flat on his back and I’m on top. His hand slips between us and he strokes my clit with his thumb. His other hand reaches for my nipple, pinching and plucking just on the borderline of being too much. My head falls back as the combination of sensations overwhelms me. My hips rock over him and he hits me right where I need him.
“Fuck, Ben, I’m going to come.” I can barely get the words out, but I want him to know, want him to feel just exactly what he’s doing to me.
“God, Cam, yes, let me feel you come on my cock.”
It’s his words that send me over the edge. I tighten around him as the orgasm moves through me, a slow burn of an explosion unlike anything I’ve felt before. My movement slows and stutters, but Ben grabs my hips, thrusting deep inside me until his own orgasm overtakes him a minute later.
He rocks his hips while we both ride out the aftershocks. Then he sits up, wrapping his arms around my back and burying his face in my neck. “How was that even better than I ever imagined it could be?”
I laugh, stroking his slightly sweaty hair back from his face. “It was for me too.”
We kiss for a few more minutes, Ben’s hands smoothing soothing circles over the bare skin of my back. Finally, he lifts me from his lap, disappearing into the bathroom for a minute to dispose of the condom before coming back to bed.
“Will you stay here tonight?” He pulls me into his embrace.
I haven’t slept over at his place before, and he’s never slept at mine—we both knew what would happen if we spent the night together when we weren’t fully comfortable with taking our relationship to the next level. But nothing sounds better than waking up tomorrow morning in Ben’s arms.
I nuzzle deeper into his chest. “I would love to.”
Despite the truth in my words, there’s also a little fear hidden deep inside. What if trading those three little words with Ben, or taking things all the way, really was the missing link? What if I wake up tomorrow not in Ben’s bed but back in my apartment? What if when that eventually happens, Ben is nowhere to be found?
There are no guarantees here, and I want to refuse to let my doubts dampen what we just experienced. But I can’t seem to stop my mind from racing after Ben dozes off the minute he closes his eyes. All this time, I thought I was brought to Heart Springs to learn some kind of lesson. Like how not to be a totally horrible asshole of a person who goes around destroying people’s businesses. Like how to actually care about someone other than myself for a half a second.
But what if I got it all wrong? What if I didn’t come here for a lesson, but a punishment? I can think of no greater punishment than losing Ben now that I’ve finally learned to love him. It would be a fitting way to pay me back for all of the terrible things I’ve said and done to people over the years. Classmates and colleagues. Interns and associates. So many people have been victims of my casual carelessness.
I need to reach out to a lot of people and apologize, honestly.
But will any of that really be worth it if Ben isn’t by my side?
Ben stirs, turning over on his side and forcing me to turn with him. He tucks himself behind me, making me his little spoon. “Everything is going to be fine, Cam,” he mutters, his breath tickling my neck.
“How can you know that for sure, though?”
“I don’t know for sure, I just have to believe it.” He kisses the slope of my shoulder. “It would be a cruel world to bring you into my life only to take you right back out.”
“Hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but the world is just that cruel sometimes.” I’m that cruel sometimes—or I was anyway—I think but don’t say.
He adjusts the covers, tucking me back into their warmth. “It’s okay if you don’t believe it right now. I’ll believe it enough for the both of us.”
“Ugh, you’ve really got to stop with the sap. I just threw up in my mouth.”
He chuckles, but it’s laced with sleep. “Charming.”
“You know it.” I wiggle a little. “Also, I’m never going to be able to fall asleep like this. There is such a thing as too much cuddling.”
He doesn’t offer more than a muffled grumble.
But a few minutes later, still wrapped firmly in his arms, I fall asleep.