Chapter 16 #2
She tried to silence it, tried to give in to his kisses as she had before. Imogen did want to know happiness and pleasure—she just didn’t know how to take them, even when they were offered so easily.
It was all just too much, too soon.
She pulled back from his kisses, trying to tell him that, but couldn’t quite get out the words. “Balar, I…”
His lips fell to an exposed patch of skin just below her throat. Nudging the shawl away with his nose, his lips vibrated with a purr against her skin as he nuzzled and kissed her chest. Her heart raced just beneath, leaving her lightheaded.
“You are so sweet, urisá. I can’t get enough.”
Imogen gasped when the flat of his tongue met her skin, licking up her throat in a soft rasp. Her whole body shivered, and she had to use her grip on his broad shoulders to keep herself upright.
“Balar, wait…”
He rumbled again, almost plaintively. He buried his nose in the hollow of her throat, taking a long pull of her scent there. Hands kneading at her, he growled, “Let me, urisá. I will show you how good it can be between us. Let me have you.”
Something between a moan and a whimper caught in Imogen’s throat. She trembled with need and embarrassment, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say.
If she did this, if she let it happen, she’d—he’d—blood rushed past her ears, an accompaniment to the high ringing—he’ll be here another day, everywhere, all around—she burned up, frustration and need coiling tight—I don’t know what to do—his hands and tongue were everywhere, overwhelming everything—he surrounded her, enveloped her, engulfed her—she stood at a precipice, about to be lost—I don’t want to be lost—
Imogen gasped when his hand slid around to grab one cheek of her backside. He squeezed, groaning gratuitously. “So soft,” he purred.
Another sound, closer to a whimper now, escaped her lips. She caught his wrist in her grip—only for his other hand to slide up to cup her waist. His thumb rubbed patterns against her ribs, edging ever closer to the underside of her breast.
In a moment, he’d touch her there, too. When she dared look down at him, she saw the hazy, almost drunken lust in his eyes. His attention was riveted to where his hand spanned her side, and somehow, Imogen knew in that moment, in the next, he’d take her breast in his mouth through her nightclothes.
Her body throbbed with need and alarm.
He can’t mean to—I want—wait wait wait—
“Too much!”
Using what strength she still had, she pushed back, away from him. His hands were still on her, she still stood between his knees, but at least there was now a breath of distance between them.
Cool air rushed to fill the void she’d made.
So too did his agitated rumble. “Kigara,” he said, almost a warning, his predator’s pupils narrowing to slits.
“I don’t—I’m not—” ready, prepared, brave enough “—I can’t.”
She pushed back that last distance, breaking his hold. Stumbling away, Imogen caught herself against the tall bureau she used to keep spare pots, pans, and dishes.
A beat of cool silence descended between them, one that made Imogen nauseous. How could she feel both safer and like she’d ruined everything?
Balar’s nostrils flared as he took a long breath. Scrubbing a paw over his face, he sighed, “Forgive me, kigara, I got carried away.”
She could hear and see his regret, knew that should have been enough, but her panic wasn’t rational.
Imogen wanted to feel safe again, safe in her own space.
She wanted the world to stop spinning and the earth to stop giving way under her feet.
She wanted to know who she was again and not dislike what she found. She wanted—
“I think you should go.”
His ears snapped back to lay flat against his head. His wings and tail, which had been swaying and twitching behind him, came to stand perfectly still.
“What?”
With a hand over her racing heart, Imogen felt as well as heard herself say, “I’m sorry, this is just all…too much.”
Balar leaned forward, lifting his hands in placation.
“Don’t be sorry, it is me who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.
” Standing, he made as though to move closer to her, to soothe her, but she pushed herself further into the corner.
Making an unhappy keen in his throat, Balar begged, “Please, urisá, please don’t be frightened of me. Don’t send me away.”
Imogen only dared to look at his face for a moment. It was all she could bear. The desolate anguish she found there nearly had her in tears.
She shook her head, forcing the words out. “It’s not…goodbye. I just…need some space and time. I’m…this is…” Words failed her. How did she tell him she was scared out of her mind? That she didn’t want to be this way, a scared little girl afraid of being hurt but more afraid of taking the chance?
Better to send him away before he leaves me.
But she wasn’t sending him away. Not for good, she told herself. She just…needed to get her bearings. To think. She couldn’t do that with him taking up all the air and room. Imogen needed her equilibrium back.
It was after a painful handful of moments, when Balar realized that she would say nothing more, that the breath rushed out of him in a mournful exhale. His wings drooped as he nodded, his hands falling to his sides.
“All right, Imogen, all right. I’ll go. Just…promise me you’ll be safe.”
She nodded, not daring to meet his gaze.
“Then I’ll return in a few days, yes? And you’ll tell me all about what you and the goats have been up to, and I will…”
Imogen’s insides squirmed and clenched hearing how his words petered out. She’d never heard him lost for words before. She dared a glance up at his face, only to find he wasn’t looking at her but the ground.
The sudden desire to touch him, hold him, assure him, sparked in her belly.
But no. It was too late for that.
He turned to leave, taking his warmth and all the air in the cottage with him.
The front door shut behind him with a solemn finality. Shadow looked back and forth between the front door where Balar had been and Imogen in her corner, concern and confusion writ in his expressive eyes.
She couldn’t explain it to him. She couldn’t explain it to herself.
In the sucking silence Balar left behind, Imogen slid to the floor. Gathering her knees to her chest, she wrapped herself up in her own shivering arms and began to weep.