Chapter 6 – Liam
6
LIAM
I am pacing around my living room after running all over the house, trying to tidy it up. Why am I nervous? I glance in the front room at all the boxes of Leah’s belongings that I have yet to go through. I am going to have to do that eventually, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet. I think it will trigger the mourning process all over again. I am scared to go back to that level of pain. I need to focus on now, on tonight. Lucy has been a little fussy all day. I hope Sophie isn’t overwhelmed. I will give her the heads up and leave the Tylenol for her. She seems like she doesn’t have a frustrated bone in her body, and Lucy really seems to like her.
My palms are sweating. What the fuck, Harper, calm down. I check my phone, 5:38. Sophie and Melanie will be here any minute. I am wearing faded J. Crew jeans and a black thermal. I still managed to get Lucy in her highchair and feed her some dinner. She’s sitting there now watching a show on the TV and giggling every few minutes. This is fine, everything is fine.
I have reassured myself that this evening is a good idea at least fifteen times today. I’m worried about Lucy and agitated from not getting enough sleep. I’m nervous about setting things straight with Melanie and for some reason, I can’t get Sophie out of my head. All of these sound like great reasons to bail but it’s too late now because the doorbell buzzes right as I see Melanie’s black car pull up in front of my house.
I pick up Lucy and open the front door to greet Sophie. I immediately realize she isn’t the reason I am nervous. Just the sight of her smile and relaxed demeanor eases my nerves. Then Sophie grins and reaches for Lucy who wriggles out of my arms to get to her.
Sophie giggles. “Hi, Luce.” She plants a kiss on the top of the baby’s head. “I’m happy to see you too!” Lucy nuzzles into Sophie’s shoulder as if it’s the most natural thing in the world for her. A sharp, unexpected twinge of longing twists in my chest, taking me by surprise.
Sophie seems to be feeling a lot better than she was last night, wearing a tight pair of black leggings and a fitted pink long-sleeve pullover. Her chestnut hair is down and falling wildly around her shoulders. She’s completely at ease with Lucy and I find it undeniably attractive.
“Hi,” I rasp, biting back a smile. There is a nagging feeling in my gut. I want to know Sophie . It’s a feeling that is so foreign to me that I can’t dismiss it.
“Hi,” she chirps back. She grins and shifts Lucy to her other hip.
We don’t get to say anything else before Melanie walks through the still-open front door. “Hey,” She smiles tightly at me. “You ready?” She doesn’t look in Sophie’s direction at all.
I clear my throat. “Almost.” I decide a formal introduction is the best course of action here since they don’t know each other. Before I can say anything, a look of irritation crosses Melanie’s face. I gesture to Sophie, holding Lucy. “Melanie this is Sophie. Sophie, this is Melanie.”
A look of recognition passes over Sophie’s face and her brows furrow for just a second before she says, “Hi, Melanie. It’s nice to meet you.” She offers her a warm smile.
In return, Melanie is the epitome of unfriendly. “Hello,” she says curtly.
I stifle a cough. “Sophie is renting from Ellie for a bit, and she’s been helping out with Lucy.” I feel the need to explain even though I don’t have to.
“Ah,” Melanie says, as if it’s clicking for her now.
Now here they stand, sizing each other up in a way that shouldn’t matter but for some reason does. Melanie is wearing tight skinny jeans and a black bodysuit that accentuates her curves. She has big silver hoop earrings, and her sleeve tattoo of Hawaiian flowers is on display. She’s taller than Sophie by about three and a half inches because of the black knee-high boots she is wearing.
Seeming uncomfortable, Sophie shifts Lucy from one hip to the other and looks back and forth between us. I find myself wondering what she is thinking about me and Melanie. An awkward silence has fallen upon the three of us and I know I need to break it, but Sophie beats me to it.
“Oh, yeah. I think I saw you leaving here after my morning run the other day.”
I realize the second the words are out of her mouth and her cheeks turn a faint shade of pink that she thinks she shouldn’t have said it. It seems she’s a nervous rambler, but at least she tries to be kind. It also occurs to me that Sophie probably thinks Melanie slept over, and I want desperately to clarify but of course, I can’t. Not now anyway. I can’t help thinking though, why is it so important for me to make sure that Sophie knows I’m not with Melanie? The feeling nags at me, awakening a foreign longing I don’t fully understand.
“Mm-hmm,” Melanie nods, clearly uninterested. Then turning to me, “Ready? It’s 5:50.”
I nod. “Sophie, you have my number. Lucy is fed. If you want to give her a bath you can. I treat baths like an activity to occupy her,” I laugh. “Anyway…she was a little fussy today. I think she’s getting another tooth. There’s Tylenol in the upstairs bathroom if you think she might need it.”
Sophie smiles. “We’ll be fine. Won’t we, Lucy girl?” She brushes some hair from Lucy’s forehead and grins back at me. Then she steps toward the door as if to usher us out. “Go, go. You kids have fun.” She pats my back as we walk out. “Bye, Melanie. It was nice to officially meet you!”
Melanie ignores her, and as we climb in my pickup, I can’t help but wish I was staying home…with Sophie.
* * *
We arrive at Taco Cocina, and the bar area is crowded. I recognize some familiar faces from around town but thankfully no one in our inner circle is there. The hostess says it’ll be a few minutes despite our six o’clock reservation, so we head to the bar. I order us both a margarita on the rocks and close the tab. There’s only one open seat so I pull it out for Melanie and stand behind her.
There is a familiarity between us that feels safe and reassuring. I can’t get hurt with Melanie. I know she’s more invested in us than I am, and there’s a sense of safety in that. She wants me despite how well she knows me, despite how much I have been through, how emotionally unavailable I am. She still wants me. And I am probably holding her back from meeting someone who will be emotionally available for her. She is forty, I am forty. We’re not kids anymore, and I have to set her free. We’re just making small talk as we wait for the text message that our table is ready.
“I’m surprised you let someone you’ve known all of five days watch Lucy. But I’m not even allowed around her.” Melanie goes right in for the kill.
Oh, here we go again. I roll my eyes. “Melanie, we have been over this. I am a new dad. And not the kind that has nine months to prepare. I am trying to protect Lucy at all costs. I’m not going to let her get close to someone I care about and then lose them if it doesn’t work out.” I’m surprised at how tightly my jaw is clenched as I have this conversation for the zillionth time.
She spins in the bar chair and tickles my chest up and down. “Well, who says it won’t work out, babe? We’ve been doing this thing between us on and off for years.”
“Yeah but, it’s been off for quite a while now,” I mutter, glancing anywhere around the bar except at Melanie.
“Sophie just looks like a train wreck, that’s all,” Melanie says snootily, taking a long sip of her margarita. “How can she take care of Lucy when she looks like she barely takes care of herself?”
I can see that Melanie is just jealous, and it doesn’t look good on her.
“What? What’s that supposed to mean? She’s nice ,” I counter, feeling a little defensive of my new friend. I give an exasperated sigh just as my phone buzzes. “Our table is ready,” I tell her and turn toward the host stand, leaving her to follow.
* * *
For some reason, getting through this dinner feels like an eternity. Not only am I feeling all sorts of pressure from Melanie, spoken and unspoken, but I just have a sinking feeling about the whole evening. Melanie is coming off as jealous and bratty. She wants a future with me because of everything we’ve been through together. I’m still trying to work up the courage to tell her that this isn’t what I want.
“So, what do you say to dessert ?” Melanie looks hopeful, her voice flirtatious. “Like you said, I’m sure Sophie is very capable with Lucy. We could go back to my place,” she purrs, stroking my hand.
I need to get out of here.
“Honestly, I told Sophie I would only be gone for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take advantage of her kindness.” I pull my hand away from Melanie’s, hoping that sends a message.
“How about your house then? I’m sure she’ll be asleep when we get back.” Melanie picks up her drink and takes a long sip.
I’m not sure if it’s because she’s had years of me pulling away from her, then getting close again, then pulling away again, but all she does is push. And when she pushes, I pull away. It’s this vicious little circle we’ve got going. My stomach drops. Melanie isn’t the person I want to be with. Ellie is right. I need to let Melanie go.
I feel myself growing irritated. “What exactly are you trying to make happen here?” I ask, even though I know the answer.
Melanie isn’t deterred. “Come on, Liam. You know how good we are together,” She murmurs. “Don’t you remember?”
“I do remember,” I growl impatiently. I suck in a breath to steady my voice. “But that was the past. I’m really sorry, Mel, but I think I’ve been clear with you that we’re not going back there.”
For a moment Melanie looks taken aback but then she smirks. “That’s what you say until you want someone to warm your bed at night.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Melanie, that hasn’t happened in a long time. And never for more than a month at a time. You have to admit, it was mostly because we both missed Cara.” I wince as I say it. In high school, Melanie was my girlfriend Cara’s best friend. Cara was my high school sweetheart until she died in a fatal car accident that I’m not convinced wasn’t my fault.
“That might be how it started, Liam, but I always thought there was more to it.”
Melanie’s voice wavers and I must actively swallow the acquiescence building in my throat out of guilt.
“I’m sorry, Mel.” I soften my voice. “But I have been honest with you from the start about the level of commitment I am capable of. You can’t fault me for that. I didn’t ask you to keep hanging on or to hold out hope that you could fix me.” I keep my voice calm so I can stand my ground.
“Then why did you ask me here tonight?” Melanie scoffs, pushing her plate away and folding her arms.
“I asked you here so I could be really honest with you and tell you it’s not going to happen. I’ve been avoiding the conversation, but I can’t anymore. I have Lucy now, and I have my own demons I am battling. I have too much work to do on myself.” As soon as I say it, I relax, relief flooding my muscles.
“I see,” Melanie mutters, refusing to meet my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Melanie. I am. It’s just?—”
A text from Sophie interrupts me, then quickly, another.
Sophie: Liam, I think Lucy is sick. She’s really warm. I was going to give her a bath but then I realized she definitely has a fever and she has a red rash all over her belly.
Sophie: What do you want me to do? I can give her some Tylenol to lower her fever but I’m not sure about the rash. Does she have a pediatrician I can call?
I tip my head back in frustration and look at the ceiling, pinching the bridge of my nose. Of course she has a pediatrician. Do I know who it is? Nope. Have I taken her at all in the almost six months Leah has been gone? Nope. I’m barely surviving. It’s a damn good thing I’m not starting a relationship. I quickly type back.
Me: Uh…I’m sure she does have a pediatrician but I don’t know who it is.
Sophie: What? Okay. What about urgent care?
Me: I’m coming home, I’ll be right there.
“We’ve got to get the check,” I say hurriedly.
Melanie takes a bite of her food and frowns. “I’m not done eating,” she says, even though not five minutes ago she pushed her plate away.
“Lucy is sick.” I raise my arm to get the server’s attention to ask for the bill and some boxes. “I’m sorry.”
“Right. Sure.” Melanie pushes her plate away. “Okay, let’s go then.”