Chapter 20
TWENTY
The laptop screen snapped shut, jolting Joey from their thoughts.
“You’re not really paying attention to these video clips, are you?” Marianne was sitting far too close and her warmth spread through their jeans where their legs touched. Aoife had Denny over to watch a new Disney film with the older kids, and Marianne had appeared at Joey’s door with a four pack of beer, her laptop, and a smile.
“Yeah, I was.” They ran their hands through their hair, reminding themself they needed a haircut.
“Your hair’s growing over your eyes. Doesn’t that bother you?”
Why was Marianne so observant? They weren’t accustomed to being watched so closely.
“It does a little. Especially on the boat in the wind. I’ll fix it later.”
Marianne turned and rested a hand on their upper arm. “You don’t have to cut your own hair, Joey. It’s not expensive.”
They felt the squirming feeling inside that accompanied conversations like this. But they trusted Marianne, and Doc Scott kept telling them the importance of not bottling up their feelings.
“It not about the cost.”
“What, then?”
They wished their life was like Marianne’s, where who she was fitted in seamlessly with what the world expected. But they wanted her to understand.
“The whole process is so gendered. If I go to Margaret on the island, she deadnames me and tries to make my hair ‘more feminine’. If I go to the barbers on the mainland, they cut it too short. It’s just easier to trim it myself.”
Marianne’s eyes widened. “What if I fix it for you for now? And when I eventually force myself to go back to Dublin and see my mother, you should come up with me and I’ll take you to an amazing barber.”
“You came round to show me your footage, not to give me a haircut.” The subject was making them uncomfortable and the thought of Marianne getting close enough to cut their bangs was enough to freak them out.
When Marianne reached out, they instinctively pulled back. The sadness in Marianne’s eyes made them feel ashamed.
Marianne moved back on the couch and gave them some space. “You’re safe with me, Joey. I hope you know that.”
“Sorry, I know. It’s just…complicated.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
The compassion in her voice was too much, and Joey jumped up. “Another beer?”
“I can’t, I need to pick up Denny in an hour.” She stood. “Would you prefer I leave? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
Marianne had chosen to spend a precious free evening with Joey, and all they could do was make things awkward.
“Please stay.” They filled the kettle and set it to boil. Perhaps a cup of tea was a better idea.
When they returned, Marianne was perched at the end of the couch.
“What would you like to talk about?”
Joey blinked and thought hard. “Well, I don’t know much about you other than what I’ve seen on TV and your time at Batiya with Amira. Were you born in Dublin?”
Her smile was gentle. “I’m always happy to talk about myself. Yes, I was born in a working-class neighborhood in Dublin. My dad was a worker in a large bakery. My mum didn’t work. We could’ve done with the money, but she had ideas above our income.”
Joey nodded. Marianne didn’t sound like she had been brought up in a working-class area.
“Then when I was ten, my dad died in…a horrendous workplace accident. It should never have happened, and the employer was found liable.” She blinked a few times.
Joey took her hand without thinking. “I’m so sorry. Are you sure you want to talk about it?”
She shook herself. “It was a long time ago, but I don’t talk about it often. I’m fine.” She squeezed Joey’s hand. “And my mum got this massive payout. Like, really big. It transformed our lives, and she got to live the life she’d always wanted.” She paused. “Sometimes it felt as though she was almost relieved my dad had died. It was hard to grieve around her.”
“That must have been hard at such a young age.”
“Yeah. And we moved to a more salubrious neighborhood, and I lost all my friends.” Marianne sighed. “But on the upside, I got a very good private education, and when I wanted to go to culinary school, it wasn’t a problem to spend two years in Paris.”
“And are you close to your mum now?”
“My business went under, and my marriage broke down nearly two months ago and I still haven’t seen her, so I’m sure you can figure it out.” She shook her head. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound bitter. We love each other. She’s just not the easiest person to be around.”
Well, that got heavy quickly. “I’ll make tea.” Joey busied themself for a few minutes and wondered what they should share with Marianne in return. She had trusted them with information about her life and it only felt fair to do the same.
They passed Marianne a mug and returned to their seat.
Marianne observed them over her mug. “You’re close to your dad, aren’t you?”
“I live next door, so it would be hard not to be. And my brothers live away, so…”
“You’re expected to look after him?”
“I am, but he’s still fairly independent.”
“But you’re worried about when he isn’t?”
“Yeah. I work long hours and we live in an isolated place. I don’t ever want him to be lonely.”
“Have you talked about it?”
Joey snorted. “Michael O’Hara doesn’t talk about anything. Least of all to me.”
Marianne was giving them her full attention and her expression was gentle, so they pushed on.
“We don’t really understand each other.” That was putting it mildly. “He always thought it would be one of my brothers who would take on the boat. He doesn’t know what to make of me.”
“That must be difficult for you. Painful, even.”
“Yeah, sometimes it’s hard. My younger brothers will be back in a couple of weeks. He’ll be so delighted to see them.”
“I’m sure he’s very proud of his oldest child, too.”
“Yeah.” That was the best Joey could do. Their dad’s disappointment and confusion was always hard to deal with.
“Does he find it difficult? Who you are?” Marianne’s voice held a slight hesitation as if she wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask.
“He favored the boys from birth. Even though I was the most enthusiastic about fishing. But yeah, all of that stuff didn’t help. He’s a simple, old-fashioned man and he doesn’t want to understand. He never did.”
“Was your mum still here, then?”
“No, I found the vocabulary to come out as non-binary around ten years ago. We lost Mum when I was seventeen. She was ill for a while, but she kept it from us for a long time. So, when she went it was quick.” All those years and the weight of grief still hung heavy on them.
Marianne squeezed their hand. “I’m so sorry.” It was no automatic comment; Joey felt Marianne’s empathy flow between their joined hands. They felt safe to continue their story.
“But it was Mum who insisted we visit the GP when I didn’t hit puberty like the other girls. I had a growth spurt, and I went from being the tallest girl to the tallest kid in school. By a head. When I was fourteen, my mum decided we needed to find out what was going on.”
Marianne didn’t speak but Joey wanted her to know everything. It felt important.
“Genetic tests showed that I had an intersex variation know as 5-ARD. The way my body converts testosterone is different, and it affected the way I physically developed.” There it was, the whole thing out in the open. They watched Marianne closely. She nodded slowly and blinked as though she was taking the detail in.
“And what did that feel like?”
Joey took in a deep breath and let it out very slowly, both to calm themself and to take some time to answer.
“It was good to get clarity and understand that part of who I am. To know that I wasn’t malfunctioning, I just work differently.” They looked down where Marianne was running her finger in soothing patterns across their palm. “But finding out I could never have kids broke me down. I just always thought I…” They shrugged. The sorrow of that discovery would never leave them. It was as though they would always grieve for the family they’d never have.
“It’s a difficult thing to find out as a teenager. I can see how much you love kids.”
“I know, but as my friends keep telling me, there are many ways to have a family. I just don’t…” They looked down at their intertwined hands once again and pulled themself gently free. “I don’t think that’s likely to happen for me. Not living here.”
“Have you ever thought of leaving?” Marianne tilted her head, forcing Joey to look at her again. Her eyes were dark.
“Honestly? No, never. I love my job. It’s not even a job, it’s just what I do. I couldn’t imagine a life away from the sea.”
Since their failed attempt at college, Joey had never considered a life on the mainland. A part of it was their responsibilities to their dad, but that was just an excuse, really. This was where they belonged. They didn’t expect Marianne to understand that. She belonged wherever she thought the best opportunities were. And that was fine, too.
They stood, feeling they’d shared enough for one evening, even though Marianne had been compassionate and understanding, and hadn’t asked any of the insensitive or intrusive questions Joey was used to. “Didn’t you say you needed to pick up Denny?”
She glanced at her watch and jumped up. “Jesus, how did that happen? Aoife will think I’m taking advantage.” She turned to Joey. “You make me lose track of time, Joey O’Hara. I could spend all night talking to you.”
“Well, Denny needs his bed, so you’d better get going.” Joey led the way to the door and then turned, worried they were dismissing Marianne in their embarrassment. “I’ve enjoyed our evening, too. It felt good to talk.”
Marianne reached up and pecked their cheek. “Thanks for the company. You can talk to me anytime, Joey. You know where to find me.”
They watched her head out to the truck. Mari might as well make the most of driving it before Donal and Liam arrived. They’d expect to have use of the vehicle for their stay. Not that there was anywhere to go on the island you couldn’t walk to.
Joey dropped back into the chair and let out a long breath. Perhaps Marianne was spot on in her subtle suggestion that Joey’s insistence on staying in their own tiny corner of the world was key to why they would never have the chance of a family.
They looked around at their compact home, the crash of the surf audible even inside the closed room. They tried to imagine being in a world where they couldn’t hear the waves or the wind. Where the noise of people and traffic was the constant backdrop to everything. They stood up and grabbed a blanket to wrap around them before they went out onto the deck. The wind had got up and had a chilly bite to it. A wall of darkness hit them and their eyes struggled to adapt to the lack of light. Out in the little bay, the white anchor light shone from the bow of Queen Maedbh bobbing slightly on the waves.
Joey looked up into the moonless sky and as their eyes adapted, a few pinpricks of light turned into a carpet of stars in every direction. Over to the south, the band of the Milky Way rose from the horizon and Joey was filled with a sense of awe that never went away, no matter how many times they looked upon it. Could they ever give this up for the glare of streetlamps and headlights? They knew the answer.
Wrapping the blanket tightly around them, they swung into the hammock, and gazed up at the heavens until their eyes grew heavy. The last waking thought they had was Marianne would enjoy stargazing again one evening before she left Inishderry.