Chapter 14 Chaos
Chaos
I stop in front of the barn and look up to where Willa is sitting up in the rafters, feet dangling in the air.
About once a month, I catch her slipping through the fence that divides our properties. She climbs to the highest peak of the old barn to look up at the stars through the hole that’s slowly rotted in the roof over the years. Tate talks about tearing down this barn, but Grandpa keeps putting it off.
Usually, when I catch Willa here, I turn around and leave because she’s clearly trying to get some space. But tonight, with the stars so bright above her, I can’t help sticking around.
“You think I don’t know you’re always sneaking out here in the middle of the night?” I call from the ground below.
“Caught me.” She smiles, but it’s sad.
Moonlight draws out the glassiness in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she lies, wiping the tears from under her eyes.
I climb up the stairs, balancing carefully on the rafters so I don’t fall. When I finally reach her, I sit, letting my feet dangle beside hers.
“It’s farther up than it looks.” I glance down at my feet floating in the air.
“You scared of heights?”
I shake my head.
“Right.” She rolls her eyes. “God forbid Dean Graham be scared of anything.”
“Didn’t say I’m not scared of anything, just not heights. Maybe rattlesnakes.”
“Same.” She shivers, and I chuckle. It’s enough to draw a smile to her cheeks, even if she’s still clearly a little sad.
“What happened tonight?”
She sighs, and it’s so deep it’s an answer in itself.
It’s not just one thing; it’s all of it.
I know; I come from a family like hers. Nice looking on the outside but fucking brutal with their high expectations.
Right now, I’ve got the bruises on my ribs stinging with every movement to remind me just how high they are.
“Dad’s fucking the new girl who works at Ransack again. Mom’s pissed about it… again. Eden’s acting like the world revolves around her… again. Same old shit.”
I nod, not saying anything because there’s nothing to say. She’s right, it is the same old shit, and nothing ever changes around here—in her family or mine. She doesn’t want my sympathy; she just wants someone to listen.
After a long beat, I glance over at her. “Maybe the bartender will leave town like the last one did.”
That makes her laugh. “I think the entire female population of Lanceleaf would need to leave town for my father to stop screwing around on my mom. Even then, he’d just drive farther to find someone. Why can’t men be faithful?”
“They can.”
She rolls her eyes.
“Serious.” I shrug. “If a guy gives a shit, he won’t fuck that up.”
“You think so?”
I meet her stormy gaze. “I know so.”
Willa’s eyes are alive with her thoughts. So bright and pretty. She pulls her lip between her teeth, and I can’t help dropping my gaze to it.
It would be so easy to just lean in and kiss her. I’m never scared when it comes to making a move on girls, but she brings out every hint of my insecurity. I know I’m not what she’s looking for. It’s why she’s always hanging out with my brother when our families spend time together.
But when we’re alone, something is different.
She makes me think I could be different.
“You’ve never asked me out,” Willa says, like she’s reading my mind.
I look away, clearing my throat. “I’m no good for you, Willa Elliott.”
I’m no good for anyone. Tate has made that clear, drilling it into me one punch at a time. Forcing Kincaid to sit in the chair in the kitchen and watch. Now that Mom is too sick to get up and do anything about it, it’s getting worse.
Willa bites her lower lip. “Maybe I’m no good for you.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
A smile climbs her face. “Really?”
“I’m a fucking mess, Willa. And you… you deserve so much more than that.”
“Like what?”
“A guy who treats you right. Who cares if you’re sad and makes it better, not worse.” I meet her gaze, and I should probably stop talking, but I can’t seem to help it.
“Are you saying you can’t be that guy?”
“Things are a fucking mess right now.”
“Your mom?”
I swallow hard, nodding, but don’t answer. I can’t, or I’ll scream, and I’ve been doing good keeping it together for my brother.
“You just deserve better than me,” is what I say instead.
“And what do you deserve, Dean?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
Willa frowns, but it’s the truth, so I don’t take it back. So long as Kincaid gets through this shit without screwing up everything he’s got going on, I’ll consider that a win. So long as I can still get Willa to smile even on a day like this, it doesn’t matter what I’m going through.
Silence floods the barn. The ranch is so quiet this time of night. Our feet sway, boots tapping every so often with how close we’re sitting.
Willa rests her hand over mine on the beam, brushing her thumb across my knuckles. “I’m sorry life is shit sometimes.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Willa starts to shift like she’s going to stand up and leave, so I flip our grips, snagging her hand and stopping her.
Her eyes widen like she thinks I might kiss her, and while I want to more than anything in the world, I don’t.
I can’t help but do right by this girl, and she’s hurting so deeply right now, I know that’s not what she really needs.
“If I were capable of being that guy, Willa, then I’d be him for you. For you, I’d be anything.”
She swallows hard. “Why?”
“Because you’re the kind of girl you get your shit together for.”
I’m acting like an insecure teenager. Avoiding Willa like the plague. Coming in my pants when she ground against me at the club. What the hell is wrong with me?
The second Willa is in my reach, I lose all self-control. I managed to shut down my feelings for her when she rejected me when I was eighteen, but all it took was one night for me to slip right back into that man who can’t get her out of his head.
No one understands me like she does. No one knows all my secrets like her—past and present. Which is the problem. She knows what fucked me up beyond repair years ago, and there’s no denying I’m still a total mess.
Maybe that’s why she’s still hanging around.
Chasing the thrill. I might not be any good at stability, but I can let loose with the best of them.
What if that’s what Willa wants from me—something to soothe her breakup?
An excuse to check out of her perfect life back in Texas for a little while.
A reason to unleash before she returns home.
The thought of that has me teetering on the edge of sanity.
I’m no good for anyone, but the thought of letting her leave—of losing her a second time—has the most unhinged thoughts crawling through my mind. Willa Elliott is the only girl I considered spending the rest of my life with, and now that she’s here, that’s rattling around again.
Could I be a better man?
For her, I’d be just about anything so long as she’d be mine.
Last night, when she walked on that stage, I snapped. I was ready to throw my body over her. To protect her.
To claim her.
From the moment I first saw her wrangling cattle, I knew that girl was meant to be mine.
Which is exactly why I walked away from her at the club last night. Once we cross that line, there’s no going back. We can’t go there until I know where she stands.
I might be chaos, but when it comes to us, Willa is the wild card.
So I walked away.
I take a deep breath and let the rumble of the engine soothe me.
It’s a cool night, perfect for riding. Spring blooms at the edges of the desert, but in the darkness, there’s nothing but shadows. The moon hangs full overhead, lighting the otherwise dark road as I take the turn into the Twisted Kings compound.
The desert stretches miles in every direction. A relief after the last couple of days I’ve had.
I haven’t seen Willa since she left the club with Soul.
By the time the club closed, I passed out on the couch in the office.
Early meetings turned into a surprise inspection by the city.
It was one thing after another. I’ve been at Sapphire Rise for almost forty-eight hours by the time I park my bike outside the clubhouse.
I’m finally out of excuses to avoid her.
A few guys are at the bar up front when I walk into the clubhouse. I take the hallway to my room, deciding it’s better to face Willa now than put it off until I’m a walking zombie again. But when I open the door to my room, it’s empty. The sheets haven’t been slept in.
It’s only one in the morning, but she’s usually in bed by now.
I toss my wallet and keys on the dresser, then storm out of the room, ready to track her down. I shouldn’t be surprised she left after what happened, but it doesn’t stop my blood from thundering between my temples.
I’m ready to lose it by the time I round the corner to the main bar at the back of the clubhouse and spot a familiar knot of black hair peeking over one of the couches.
Willa has her back to me, but her laugh travels the room. Her dark hair bounces around because she’s always talking with her hands. She might look like a storm cloud, but she’s sunshine on a perfectly clear day.
Venom sits in a chair across from her with his feet kicked up on the coffee table. He’s grinning at whatever she said, and even if I’m a little jealous that she’s offering him her smile, I don’t blame him for soaking it in. It’s impossible not to feel something around that girl.
When Venom spots me, he juts his chin, welcoming me over.
He knows that while I haven’t said Willa is mine, there’s a hands-off policy on her.
It’s a line my brothers won’t cross out of respect.
Especially Venom. He’s careful to only look the old ladies in the eyes, and he never so much as flirts with a girl if she’s been claimed by someone.
I’m tempted to steal Willa away, but I take a breath, realizing how riled up I got at the idea of her leaving.
I stop at the bar, grabbing a beer from Wren first. She offers me a friendly smile before moving on to help someone else.
When I first got out of prison, Wren and I fucked around, but she didn’t get clingy or want anything more.
I get the feeling she was using me for the same reasons I was using her. To chase away the demons.
It’s been a long time since we’ve been anything more than just cordial with each other.
The patio door slides open, and smoke breezes in. On a night like tonight, stressed as I am, I’d usually lose myself in a bottle of whiskey, a joint, and a patch bunny. For the past decade, that’s been the only stress relief I’ve known.
Until I glance back at Willa, and her gaze snags mine from across the room. One look and tension leaves my shoulders.
“Long night?” Venom asks when I approach, dropping onto the couch beside Willa.
“Long year.” I tip my beer back.
Willa watches me, fidgeting her fingers on her T-shirt. She paired it with the shortest pair of shorts, so it looks like she’s not wearing anything underneath.
Her storm-gray eyes meet mine, and my soul quiets.
“I’m going to grab another one.” Venom stands, making any excuse to go to the bar.
“Yeah, you do that.”
He glares at me when I grin, swatting at my head. But I chuckle and watch him beeline to where Wren is serving drinks.
“What was that about?” Willa asks, her eyes on the bar. “Does he like her?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “He wants to fuck her. So I guess he likes her at least that much.”
Her nose scrunches, and I realize how crass that might have sounded. But I’m not used to holding my tongue anymore. When I was younger, I tried to temper my comments around her, but it’s been years since I’ve given a shit what anyone thinks.
“Are you always out this late?” She turns on the couch with her feet tucked under her so she’s facing me.
“Most nights.”
“You didn’t come back last night.” She looks away as she says it, like she’s trying to pretend she doesn’t care when that’s clearly not the case.
“I was too tired to drive.” And too drunk. But I don’t bother adding fuel to that fire.
She hums, nodding.
“I crashed on the couch in the office.”
It’s not that I owe her an explanation, but she deserves it. While I’d like to pretend what she and I did doesn’t mean anything, it’s not the truth. Touching her is like coming home to myself for the first time in a decade.
“I wish you’d have come back,” she says, surprising me with that flicker of vulnerability. “But I wish a lot of things, I guess.”
“Like what?”
She shrugs, avoiding the question.
I stretch my arm over the back of the couch, bringing us closer together. “Finish that thought.”
“Really?” Her eyebrow hitches. “Are we finally going to talk about it? No more avoiding?”
I take a sip of my beer. “Yeah, I guess we are.”
She fidgets with her T-shirt, pausing a moment, but not looking away. “I wish—” The word is still hanging in the air between us when a gunshot pierces through the music blasting from the speakers.
Time stops.
At first, I think someone is partying too hard out back. Until a bullet shatters the glass slider, and it rains glass. Bullets pelt the clubhouse, and I throw myself over Willa, pulling us both to the ground.
My eyes meet hers, and it’s like we are back at the motel room when she first got here. Except this time, there are so many more possibilities shining back. A future I never thought I’d get a chance at. A girl I assumed I’d never see again.
Fear swells like never before.
“I need you to stay down,” I tell her, swallowing my emotions so I can get us through this.
“Dean, please don’t go.” She’s shaking.
Her fingers grip the front of my cut. A glassy sheen coats her eyes.
“I have to.” This is what I do.
I protect my club.
Her lower lip trembles, but she nods. “Don’t get shot.”
“I’ll try not to.” I brush her hair off her face, taking in her stormy eyes one last time. “We’re finishing this conversation.”