Chapter 6 #2
The curve comes, and instantly his hands return, guiding me through it without hesitation. As soon as the road straightens again, the pressure eases, and he lets me steer on my own once more.
His hand slides back over mine as he turns us around, riding us back toward the beginning of the road. The bike no longer feels like something I’m fighting. It moves with me, like it knows where it’s going, even if I don’t.
And he... He gives me something I never had. Someone there to catch me if I fall. And for the first time, I don’t feel like I’m borrowing this moment from someone else’s life. It feels like it’s finally mine.
All this time, I have lived knowing that one day I won’t be able to handle it. That the dark thoughts will finally win, and I will give in to them. They follow me everywhere.
And then there is him.
He showed me that life can be a little brighter after all. Not perfect. Just brighter. That letting someone in is not always a mistake. That building walls doesn’t mean you will build a home.
We all go through fucked up things. We are all a little fucked up. I used to believe I didn’t deserve a second chance. That I already wasted it. But now I think maybe I do. And if we are going to live as a family, I can’t let myself feel the way I do.
No matter how I start to feel, this, us, stays with me. Life gave me a second chance. To live. To have a family, even if it is far from perfect. I hold onto that chance tightly, because this has to be my secret.
Judas is my adoptive brother. Not my blood. Siblings just on paper. It should be simple. It should be enough to stop.
But my body wants this. I want him.
We stop at the edge of the road, and he parks near the beach. The bike settles beneath us as he puts his feet on the ground. I jump down after him.
We take our helmets off, lean them against the bike, and stand there, too close, the ocean breathing beside us. Our eyes meet.
“Thanks,” I say. “For… not letting me die.”
He laughs, then bows and signs, Little sister.
He grabs my hand and pulls me toward the beach. With each step I take, the wind grows stronger, and the sand swallows my sneakers. Waves rush up the shore, then retreat, over and over, never still.
My shoulders hunch. My hair whips across my face. I cross my arms over my chest, trying to hold the warmth in. He notices. He drapes his leather jacket over my shoulders and steps in behind me, his arms loose around me as we walk.
“Judas,” I try to ask, my voice almost lost in the wind. “What if the Harringtons decide to bring me back?”
He moves in front of me, shaking his head. His eyes hold mine. His fingers brush my jaw.
“Sometimes I wish you could speak,” I chuckle softly. “I am dying to know what your voice sounds like.”
He raises a brow, a smirk spreading across his lips as he steps closer. His hand brushes my back, guiding me in until we’re almost touching.
“What...” I gasp as he pulls me closer. “What are you doing?”
He grabs my head, his palm cupping my cheek, and leans down. His lips brush mine once, barely there. Then his mouth presses fully to mine. His tongue slips slowly inside, twisting with mine. My hands hover at my sides. My mind screams at me to push him away.
I don’t.
I close my eyes.
His hand tightens, pulling my face closer as he consumes my every breath, every small sound. I can barely think.
No.
This is wrong.
My first kiss.
And I don't stop him.
It feels good. Too good.
Panic slams into me.
I shove him away hard, like I’m afraid I won’t if I hesitate. He steps back, staring at me, confused.
“No,” I gasp, struggling to breathe. “You can’t... Judas, this is wrong.”
Little sister, he signs.
I shake my head violently.
“Don’t... Don’t do that.”
I push him again. He steps back again.
“You can’t kiss me like that. You can’t make me feel like that.”
Brother. I sign again. Brother.
My hands are shaking now.
He rolls his eyes, pulls his phone from his pocket, types quickly, and shoves the screen in front of my face.
You kissed back, little sister.
The words land because he’s right.
“Stop,” I gasp. “Fuck!” I shout. “Just... Stop. Promise me you won’t do this again. I can’t… I can’t handle it.”
He hesitates. Then he types.
I promise I will never kiss you again.
Something in my chest cracks.
He brushes past me, frustrated, and walks fast toward his bike. My jaw clenches. My stomach twists into a thousand knots.
I did the right thing.
Right?
I want to scream. I want to punch him in the face. But I also want to hug him and tell him we can still be friends. The thoughts collide, and none of them feels true enough to hold onto.
He turned eighteen last month. If that makes him an adult, maybe he will break that promise.
Adults never keep their promises.
Fuck.
I turn around and walk toward him anyway.
He waits on the bike, helmet already on, visor down, like he can’t even look at me. I step closer and take the helmet from his hands.
“We are good, right?” I ask.
He nods.
We are good, I tell myself.
I pull his jacket tighter around me, climb on behind him, and wrap my arms around his waist. The moment he feels me settle, he starts the engine, twists the throttle, and speeds up.
This time, he doesn’t care how the speed makes me feel. My heart races, pounding so hard I am sure he can feel it against his back. But he doesn’t slow down. The arrow on the clock climbs past a hundred, the road blurring beneath us like nothing exists behind us anymore.
I let it happen.
And not long after, our street, Del Mar, appears in sight.
He stops in the driveway, right in front of the house. As I get down, I pull off my helmet and look at him.
“Judas?” I ask.
He doesn’t wait a second. The engine starts again, and he speeds off.
“Judas!” I shout.
“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath. “Fuck.”
I pull my phone from my pocket and type a message.
Drive safe, asshole.
I know he won’t answer. Not now. But I want him to know that even after what happened, I am still here. That after the ride, after the speed, there is still someone to come to.
Maybe for him, speed is all he needs to clear his head. For me, it’s the familiar fear of watching someone leave and wondering if I was ever more than something to use before they ran.
I never wanted any of this. Now I’m terrified of losing it.