Chapter 9
NINE
JUDAS
We haven’t spoken a word since we left. There is just this silence between us. I told myself maybe he feels sorry for blaming Carmen for every little thing that happened this week. But when I look at him, I see his worries are bigger than her. She is just a punching bag for him to vent.
He used to do the same with me when I was younger. He never raised a hand at me, not once. The damage came from his words. I was never good enough. I always had to be a star. His golden boy. The proof he could tell everyone that he raised a good son out of the problem he got.
So many times, I tell myself we all carry some kind of trauma within us, and somehow that reflects on what we do. But he chose to be the worst version of himself at home. Outside, we are a happy little family, living a happy little life. Inside our four walls, we are anything but happy.
I tilt my head and look at him. His hand rests on his jaw, his Rolex hanging loose on his wrist as he scans the road.
We turn onto the shorter trail toward the cabin in Julian that he owns.
He looks worried, but he is so closed off that we have never even had an open conversation.
We talk. Words come out. But we always leave things unsaid.
You good? I sign.
He turns his head toward me and nods.
Why so much hate toward Carmen? I sign.
“She reminds me of myself when I was younger,” he says. “I want to help her, but she is so damn stubborn, and I can’t stand it.”
Don’t you think she needs more care? I sign.
“She needs discipline,” he says, not locking his eyes with mine before bringing them back to the road. “And she has none.”
It’s always easier to control a person who doesn’t know how to talk back. Carmen is the complete opposite. She is loud and messy. She can’t bite her tongue, so she uses it as a shield. I know I manipulated the situation of him choosing her to adopt, but he made that decision. I didn’t force him.
I turn back to the window, watching the road pass by, trying to think of anything else. But somehow, all I can think about is her. She got under my skin, and being close to her feels like a drug I can’t escape. I need her like a fucking addict.
“Be honest with me, Judas,” he says with a sigh. “Did anything happen between you two? You know I can’t have you two…” He clears his throat.
I tilt my head toward him so fast I could snap my neck.
No. I sign.
“Sure?” he asks, his brows pulled together.
I nod, surprised by how easy the lie comes.
“I know teenagers and hormones, and I can’t have you two…” he starts again.
Dad, I sign. Stop.
If he knew the thoughts I have about her, what I want to do to her, he would lock me up.
“Fine,” he says. “I trust you.”
I wouldn’t. I thought to myself.
I can’t trust myself.
As we approach the cabin, the lights are on.
We slow down as we approach, and I notice he’s surprised, his brows lifting.
“What the hell?”
Is anyone in? I sign.
“No,” he says. “No one has a key.”
He turns off the engine and opens his door. I remain in the car, following his every move as he approaches the cabin.
He reaches out for the handle, and the door opens.
A woman is there, standing at the doorway.
What the fuck?
She pulls him closer, pressing her lips to his just before he pushes her inside. Not fast enough for me to miss her face.
I know that face.
It’s the same woman who brought Carmen to the house. The same woman I saw leaving Dad’s office every Thursday.
I step out, slamming the door behind me, and rush inside. I stop at the doorway, my body freezing as I look toward the living room.
They are fighting. She is pushing him. His hands are raised in the air. She is wearing tight leggings and slippers. From the way she moves, from how relaxed she looks, I can tell she has been here before. She appears too comfortable and too familiar for this to be her first time.
They don’t even notice me.
“I told you millions of times to call me before coming here,” he shouts.
“And I told you I had a surprise for you, Will,” she says. “How was I supposed to know you were on your way with your son?”
“It’s my family cabin, Simona,” he snaps. “What were you thinking? I come here with my son often.”
“Why are you even mad?” she yells back. “You have been saying you will leave your wife for years now. Maybe this is your fucking chance.”
Dad presses his hands to his face, dragging them down in frustration. When he lifts his head, his eyes land on me.
I wish I could say I am surprised. I always knew something was going on.
But they looked happy. He looked normal.
So I brushed it off. When you get older, you tell yourself these things don’t touch you because you see them everywhere.
But what hurts the most is knowing what this would do to my mom.
She’s fragile. If she finds out, this will crush her.
“Judas,” he says, stepping closer.
I have nothing to say. I just turn around and walk away.
He grabs my hand and spins me back. His hands clamp around my arms, and he shakes me slightly as he says, quietly, “Your mom can’t find out. This would kill her.”
He is right.
I push him away. He stumbles back two steps.
I sign. How long?
He just stands there, watching me. He can’t even answer. But the way Simona moves around the room tells me enough. This has been going on for a while.
I drag my lip between my teeth, anger burning in my chest.
You fucking coward. I sign. Mom is drinking because you are never home. She burns herself just to get your attention while you go around fucking that bitch.
“Judas,” he says. “It’s not that simple.”
How can it not be? I sign. If you stop loving someone, why don’t you give them a chance to live? To find someone who actually deserves them? You keep Mom trapped.
I have never seen him like this. Big Judge William Harrington, caught in his own act. He can’t look me in the eyes. He stares at the ground, just like the criminals he sentences to life.
Now he is the one sentenced. For destroying the lives of the people who loved him most.
Catherine gave her life to make him happy.
And he found happiness somewhere else.
If you do not tell her, I will. I sign, turning away.
He grabs me, pulling me back toward him. My fingers curl into fists on instinct. I punch him in the face.
He drops to the floor, staring up at me. He doesn’t even try to get up. He stays there, holding his jaw, while Simona gasps behind me and rushes to him, kneeling to help.
You are a coward. I sign.
I will tell your mom. He signs back. Just give me a few days.
I clench my jaw, staring at him.
Fine. I sign. Do what you want. But if you don’t want the whole world to know, you will leave Carmen alone. Let her be herself.
“I am her father, Judas,” he signs back. “I make that decision.”
You are obviously not good at them. I sign, pointing toward Simona.
His jaw tightens. His teeth grind as he looks at me.
“Okay,” he says. “You win. But you will stay here for the night. Tomorrow you can drive back.”
I nod. I turn away and walk into the cabin. I go upstairs, down the short hallway, and into one of the bedrooms, and I close the door behind me.
I move to the bed and collapse onto it.
When did life become so damn complicated?
When you are a kid, all you want is to grow up.
You want freedom. You want choices. Now all I have are decisions stacked on top of each other.
This year I have to decide which university to choose.
What comes next? What kind of life am I supposed to live?
All I can think about is Carmen and driving, taking my bike, and disappearing.
Riding until no one knows my name. Doing things I have never done.
Being somewhere no one can judge me. And even if they did, they wouldn’t know me well enough for it to matter.
It’s just a distant dream.
When I was younger, I used to look forward to these trips. Camping with Dad, fishing, staying here, away from noise, where everything was quiet. Now, even this place feels ruined. Knowing how long he might have been bringing Simona here makes my stomach twist.
When you live inside a lie, you convince yourself that everything is fine. That it all works out for you. But once you see the truth, the dreams disappear. You go numb.
And I am numb.
Caring means feeling, and I feel nothing. My chest is tight, but everything else is empty.
My phone buzzes. I pull it from my pocket and see Carmen flash on the screen.
Be careful so wolves don’t eat you.
I laugh out loud and type back.
Don’t worry, little sister. They are afraid of me.
You don’t scare anyone, big bro.
I scare you.
Nah. You are too cute to be scary.
I raise a brow.
Too cute, huh?
That is not what I meant.
My little sister thinks I am cute.
Good night, Judas.
No. I want to hear more.
Byeeee.
Good night, my little ruin.
Nothing comes back.
I roll onto my back, resting the phone against my chest, and I close my eyes.
Sleep takes me too easily.
A soft knock wakes me up. It is around six in the morning, and even though I don’t want to get out of bed, I want to get out of here. I couldn’t hear Simona and my dad last night, but this morning I heard them arguing again.
The door opens quietly, footsteps approach, and the mattress dips as someone sits down. I pull my blanket back and see Simona at the edge of the bed. She is crying. Mascara is smeared beneath her eyes, and her cheeks are red.
I feel nothing for her. Her tears are worth nothing to me.
“Judas,” she says, “your father asked when you are getting up.”
I shrug.
“Okay,” she whispers.
She stands and walks toward the door, then stops. She turns around.
“Your father and I have been together for three years,” she says. “The reason he put Carmen in juvenile is because he wanted to label her unfit to take care of her sister when she turns eighteen.”
My eyes widen as I stare at her.