Chapter 10
TEN
CARMEN
The house is empty today.
The judge is still on his trip. Catherine is locked in her bedroom, curled around her phone, crying into the pillow, checking the screen every few minutes like it might suddenly light up if she believes hard enough, but it never does.
Judas drives off somewhere. I didn’t ask where, and I don’t want to know. The thought of him with someone else just turns my stomach into an ugly twist that can’t settle under my ribs.
And me. I am lying on my bed, staring at the closet the maids rearranged earlier.
Pastels are gone, replaced with black.
For the first time, I actually have clothes that feel like they belong to me. And still, something feels off, like something was missing.
It’s cruel how life gives you your favorite people and then pulls them away, as if you were never enough to keep them.
My phone buzzes.
For half a second, my heart jumps. I want it to be Judas so badly it almost hurts. But it is just Knox.
Hey, pretty girl, there is a party tonight, if you want to come with me after driving school? :)
Sure.
I type back.
I watch the three dots appear. Disappear. Appear again.
I mute the notifications and open the sign language videos I downloaded earlier.
Today’s lesson is about locations.
A woman on the screen points to pictures as she signs. Beach. Park. Hospital. Her hands move smoothly while I try to copy her, my fingers awkward, lagging behind my thoughts.
I can barely catch her movement, but I catch the word “beach.”
I sign it again.
A sudden loud noise crashes from the balcony next door, making me flinch.
I pause the video but leave the phone on the bed, the frozen image still staring back at me. I stand and walk toward the balcony door, pulling the curtain aside just enough to see without being seen.
And what I see makes my stomach drop.
I seriously consider bleaching my eyeballs.
Judas leans against the railing, naked. Ella is on her knees, her mouth working around his hard cock while his hand fists in her chestnut hair, pulling her closer, deeper.
I can’t believe he is actually doing this.
Why am I even staring?
I want to close my eyes. But I don’t do it.
All I see is his face, his mouth parted, his head tipped back before he looks down again, watching as he pushes himself deeper into her throat. Her fingers dig into his thighs, holding on as she moves her head up and down, faster, until he moans.
How can he moan?
I roll my eyes and turn toward the small table by the window. There is a vase with pink roses. My heart beats fast as I grab it, yank the flowers out, and leave only the stinking water behind. I wrap my fingers around the doorknob and pull the door open.
For a second, I just stand there.
Judas turns his head toward me. A slow smirk spreads across his lips, like he knows exactly what he is doing. Like, he knows this will make me furious enough to look at him.
He is right.
“Hey, lovebirds,” I shout.
Ella doesn’t stop. She works him harder, deeper, as if she’s trying to prove something. Anger surges through me, and I fling the foul water over them.
It splashes across Judas’s abs and down Ella’s face. She yelps and slips, landing on her ass as she scrambles away from him.
Her nose wrinkles. She sniffs her hair, then screams, “What the fuck is your problem, nut case?”
“My problem is you two having sex in front of my window,” I say, exhaling sharply. “Get a fucking room.”
Since I actually learned how to sign asshole, I sign it to him.
Asshole.
He laughs, unbothered. He nods toward me as he turns around.
My eyes betray me immediately. They slide down to his thick, hard cock.
I swallow, my throat tight.
Judas just stands there, lifting his arms and resting them behind his head. His muscles flex, bunching, more defined than they were a second ago. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is holding the pose just for me.
I clear my throat and force my gaze back to his face. When our eyes meet, he motions slowly to his lip, telling me to wipe the drool away.
“Fuck you,” I shout, backing into my room as heat rushes to my face.
He laughs behind me.
Then I hear Ella’s voice, how annoyed she is. “Tame that charity case. I am going home to shower.”
But Judas doesn’t move.
He stays leaning against the railing, relaxed, watching me.
Only me.
My chest feels tight. My thoughts scatter. I can’t focus on anything except the way he looks at me, like I am the only thing in his line of sight.
What is he doing to me?
I can’t think. I can’t breathe right.
I am losing my mind.
I feel how wet I am, and it makes me angry.
I will not let him win.
I can’t be with him.
I lift my hand and flip him off just as he steps back inside his room.
I expect him to keep Ella there, to convince her to stay, maybe even get her to shower with him or something equally stupid. Instead, all I hear is her fast footsteps running out of his bedroom, and the door slamming behind her.
I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
There is a brief, ugly spark of satisfaction in my stomach. She is gone. I stopped it before it went further. As if I didn’t already know, he probably entertains every girl in school. As if that should matter.
It does not change anything.
He would never choose me.
No one ever says I’m good enough. They just keep choosing something else.
I turn onto my side, and my eyes land on my hair tie on my wrist. Instead of distracting me, it pulls me deeper into the feeling I am trying to ignore.
Even if he did choose me, I would still be the broken one. The one with missing pieces. The one who would make him search for parts of me I haven’t figured out how to put back together yet.
I am easy to want and impossible to keep.
I tell myself I am hard to love, but the truth is simpler. No one ever really tried.
My phone buzzes.
A message lights up the screen. It is from Judas.
I still didn’t come. Want to finish it off? ??
You psycho. You need help.
I type back, my face burning.
Did you like what you saw?
No.
Something in my stomach twists.
Liar.
A photo of his hard cock comes through.
I squeak and drop my phone, slapping a hand over my eyes like that might erase what I just saw.
Holy shit, I think.
I pick the phone back up anyway. I stare at the screen for a moment longer than I should. My cheeks burn, heat crawling up my neck, but I refuse to let him think this excites me.
Another message pops up.
What’s wrong? Are you touching yourself, thinking of me?
No.
I am thinking your dick looks like a shaved mole on a sunny vacation I want no part of.
There is a pause.
Wow. You really know how to turn a man off.
Boy. Not a man.
I correct.
Ha. One day, you will beg me to fuck you.
Keep dreaming.
I will. ??
I drop the phone onto the bed and stare at the wall.
He does this to me. He pulls too many emotions out of me at once. He makes me feel wanted. Then claimed. Then trapped, like I am already stuck here with him for the next two years.
He gives me just enough to make staying feel tempting. Then just enough fear to remind me why I planned to leave in the first place.
I know I am a ruin. I ruin everything I touch. But he would ruin me, too.
I have fucked up so much in my life because I always believed I wasn’t good enough. Maybe that is why I push him away. Because I know it would not be one-sided destruction.
I would ruin him, too.
A thud comes from the balcony.
I lift my head.
He is standing there, looking straight into my bedroom.
“Go away, Judas,” I say as I stand, moving toward the door. I pull the curtain closed so I don’t have to see him.
It doesn’t stop him.
The door opens anyway. He steps inside, grabs me from behind, and spins me around to face him.
“What do you want?” I ask.
He doesn’t answer. He lifts his hand and gently brushes a strand of hair away from my face. I let him come closer, his face hovering just inches from mine.
“Stop,” I whisper as my eyes fall shut.
His hand slides down to my waist instead, pulling himself closer.
He doesn’t stop.
A car rolls into the driveway. We hear it clearly. The balcony door is still open. And none of it slows him down.
“Judas,” I whisper against his lips as I open my eyes. “We can’t.”
The words leave me on an exhale and disappear the moment his mouth finds mine.
His tongue slips past my lips, twisting with mine.
One hand closes around my wrist, pinning it to his chest. The other cups my cheek, holding me exactly where he wants me.
The kiss makes my head spin. My heart stutters, then races, as he steals every breath I try to take.
His mouth devours mine, swallowing every word I meant to say.
There is no space left for anything else.
“You promised you wouldn’t kiss me,” I say, my voice shallow.
He doesn’t even flinch.
I should push him away. I should tell him to stop.
I hear Catherine’s voice, Judge Harrington’s rules, and my own warnings floating somewhere far away in my thoughts.
None of it matters. Not now. When he kisses me like this, the world narrows until it is just us.
Just his silence wrapped around me. He makes me feel like maybe I am worth something after all.
He breaks the kiss for a second, pulling me closer instead.
And I whisper it. But this time it’s not to stop him.
“Don’t stop, Judas. Don’t stop kissing me.”
He shakes his head once.
Then he lifts me. My legs lock around his hips as his mouth crashes into mine again. He bites my lower lip as he presses me into the wall. His tongue finds its way back inside, tangling with mine, erasing every dark thought until there is nothing left but him.
“If every broken promise feels like this,” I gasp, letting him pull me closer, “I want you to break every single one.”
It shatters when Catherine’s voice cuts through the hallway.
Judas lowers me to the floor immediately. His finger presses gently against my lips, silencing me before I can say another word.
He takes my hand and pulls me toward the bedroom door.