Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lady Lillian, Duchess of Alton
Lady Helen quickened her strides to match mine. “You are upset.”
“Yes.” The sun had broken through the clouds, yet nothing could shine a light in the darkness of my soul.
I clutched the still-wrapped copy of the book in my hand, my heart breaking.
Kendrick had been kissing Gavin. Gavin, of all people!
He had told me when he proposed that he would take more lovers.
I just hadn’t expected it this quickly. Bile churned my stomach, and I willed myself to calm down.
“I can assume with my son,” she asked, her voice a bit winded from our brisk pace. She stared at me with expectation but said nothing further.
“Yes.” My first inclination was to move faster, but I slowed down.
I inhaled a shaky breath and tried to gather my wits.
If I hadn’t walked in on them, his mother surely would have.
Either scenario was shocking to the senses.
I couldn’t tell her the truth because of the scandal it would bring, but I could skirt the truth enough to gain her insight into his character.
“Kendrick is an honorable man. He is kind and generous, but ...” I trailed off, unsure what I wanted to say. Now more than ever, I missed Colt. He understood Kendrick in a way I was afraid I never would.
“But he holds his emotions close to his chest.” Lady Helen nodded, her hand finding mine.
The dower duchess looped my arm through hers and offered me a reassuring squeeze.
She lifted her chin, presenting her profile to me.
Kendrick’s resemblance to his mother rested in the cast of her chin and the shape of her eyes.
“Many people claim it’s a very desirable trait in a man.
I find it frustrating.” It was hypocritical of me to accuse Kendrick of a flaw I was guilty of.
Since our return, there was a light missing from his eyes.
My husband was jovial and said the right things.
He was also morose and introspective. Like me, he missed Colt.
But he couldn’t replace Colt with Gavin.
The thought soured my stomach, and I pressed the book against it.
“He takes after his father in that regard. My husband was a horrible man. There is no way of stating it other than the blatant truth.” She patted my hand, for her comfort or my own was up for debate.
Since my marriage, I had spent long days with her learning the intricate rules of household management, and we had developed a friendship.
I genuinely liked her and considered her not only my mother-in-law but my friend.
“Kendrick has inferred as much. He thinks he is like his father. Is he?” I wanted to learn everything I could about him. Colt had helped me piece together some clues. Even he’d been leery of sharing too much.
“In some ways, yes. In the most important, no. My husband was ...” her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. A sigh, followed by a low hiss of breath, issued from her clenched jaw. She stared up at the branch of an oak tree.
Children’s laughter sounded in the distance as nursemaids took their charges outside for a rare sunny day. Nature had put on a display of beauty, yet I wallowed in my misery. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“I want to tell you. Lowe said, well, he said I shouldn’t be ashamed.” She pressed her lips together and exhaled. “My husband was an abusive man who acted out on whomever he happened upon. Kendrick was often his intended target. I made sure he got no farther than me.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I stared at her, horrified by the implications. “Oh, dear.”
“He thought he could whip the artist out of Kendrick and mold him into his own image.” She didn’t bother to hide the tears that streamed down her cheeks.
I brought her closer to my side and tried to give her what comfort I could.
I had lived in a home full of warmth and love.
Even after my father found my brother with rouged lips, he hadn’t yelled or punished him.
He simply told him never to do it again and scolded my sister.
“It didn’t work.” Kendrick, without his art, would be an empty shell of a man.
“No, it didn’t, nor would it have. For as stubborn as Alton was, Kendrick was equally as stalwart. He learned to avoid his father while in one of his moods and even excelled at rowing and crossbow.”
“He rowed every morning while we were in Scotland.” I had watched from the shore as he and Colt took to the lake. It was a scene I planned on using for my new book. I gripped the one in my hand. My first book, which I had been excited to share with him.
“My husband was a wastrel. He depleted the estates and used the funds on games of chance. By the time of his death, we were headed to the poor house.”
“Oh, dear.” I shook my head as I tried to absorb this news. Kendrick had never given me any sign of how bad things were. Were things that bad, or was she exaggerating? Somehow I doubted that was the case. If my book was a success, I would do my part in helping out the estate.
“Men think to keep these things out of the realm of women. I was privy to everything, as were many of our peers. It is a great secret among men that we women often play a vital role in the finances of our households. In the eyes of men, somehow, that negates their status as head of the house. In that regard, my son does not differ from his father.”
Was Lady Helen a suffragette? I stared at her for a long moment and absorbed her tirade.
And if she was, was my mother also one? Throughout my childhood, she’d a way of curtailing my sisters’ spending sprees and often made all decisions concerning the household.
My father was an easy-going sort and seemed to defer to her.
“I see.” I did not know what to say. She’d opened my eyes to something illuminating. “Should I be concerned?”
“Yes, and no. Your dowry helped, and he is very astute at business. Although it is not polite to talk about finances, you are his wife; thus, it affects you. His meeting this week—if fruitful—will be the key to his success.”
“He never mentioned it was that important.” In his defense, I never asked.
“In Kendrick’s case, he simply wishes to shield you from pain. I’m afraid that is my fault. I put him in an untenable situation,” she said.
“No, you didn’t. His father did. You’re not to blame. You did what any mother would do; you protected your child. Kendrick might have faults, but he loves you.” I just wished he could love me.
“You were upset, and I made the conversation about me. Lowe will be pleased that I took you into my confidence.” She offered a wry smile.
“You like him.” I nudged her side, joyful to see her happy after the unpleasantness she’d disclosed for my benefit.
“Of course, I love my son.”
I laughed at her attempt to change the subject. “Reverend Lowe. You like him. Kendrick does as well. He is quite proud of playing matchmaker, although Colt accused him of being a double-dealer.”
“Lowe’s an honorable man, and yes, I like him. I might even love him.” She blushed a pretty pink, the light of infatuation brightening her face. “Do you love Kendrick?”
“With every breath I take.” Silence settled between us, broken by the lively occupants of the park. The grass was green, and the sky a pale blue with large, fluffy white clouds. It was the perfect day on the outside.
“I’m unsure if he feels the same,” I mumbled, ashamed to admit my husband wasn’t in love with me.
She tilted her head in my direction. “I can barely hear you, my dear.”
“Sorry.” I found it hard to say the words above a whisper. It was too painful. “He, well, I caught him flirting with, um, flirting with someone today, and I’m afraid I got jealous.”
“Aw, yes, Kendrick is flirtatious by nature, and given his looks and temperament, he has always been popular with the ladies. You mustn’t think of it as a bad reflection of yourself.
Although I would gladly have a word with him on that score.
” She skirted a broken paving stone, holding onto my arm with more force to steady herself.
“You needn’t bother. I’ll talk to him. I just, well, it caught me by surprise.
” Heat rushed into my chest, and I fought another jolt of jealous outrage.
He’d told me he might take another lover, and I wouldn’t have said anything.
I never expected him to disrespect me in my home, however.
Once we were alone, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable.
“Have you told him you love him?” she asked.
“Not yet.” It seemed too soon before, and now it seemed too late. Thoughts crowded around in my mind, and I missed Colt more than ever. Colt was my confidant, and while Lady Helen listened to my complaints, he knew the entire truth.
I loved him as much as I loved Kendrick. In their own way, the two men held me up and gave me confidence. But Colt had chosen a different path, and Kendrick fell back to Gavin. Where did that leave me?
“You need to tell him. Kendrick is a smart man but very blind to others. He still thinks he might end up like his father, and if he keeps people at arm’s length, that he can’t hurt them.”
“Except he hurts them by holding back a part of himself.” It was a double-edged sword.
His reluctance added to my meekness made us star-crossed lovers.
If he loved me, which was still up in the air.
I picked up my steps and steered her back toward the road.
From the bend in the path, I had a view of the terrace house.
“All isn’t lost, Lillian. He might leave, but he’ll be back.”
The time apart from him might be beneficial. At least he would be away from Gavin. I had a hard choice to make. Either run away or stand my ground. I was his wife. Right was on my side. Whether or not he loved me, I loved him, and I would show him in every way I knew possible just how much.