Chapter 15 Chase #2
Well, it had been relatable about a day ago.
Where was I gonna get laid now? And I wished that was all I was pissed about, except it wasn’t.
Because it wasn’t just Lee’s dick I’d liked.
It had been the rest of him too, except I wasn’t going to think about that.
Not his dick, not his smile or the way he kissed, and not even the peanut butter cookies he’d made every day once he found out I liked them.
Because fuck him, that was why.
I took another swig of beer. I’d never really liked the taste of beer, but I liked the buzz, and I couldn’t afford anything better.
Danny gave me a wave as he pushed the lawnmower over the clumps of grass that we called a backyard, and I lifted my hand in acknowledgement.
The sunlight felt nice soaking into me, and the beer was cold.
I’d had worse days, right? I could come up with an entire fucking list without even having to stop and think about it.
But it didn’t take the edge off by much because today just plain sucked too.
I was sitting here with a beer and it should have been great, but all I could think about was how much better it had been the times that Lee had been sitting here next to me.
I finished my beer and went back inside, carrying the empty can. The front door slammed and a minute later Wilder strolled into the kitchen. “Hey,” he said. He opened the refrigerator and wrinkled his nose. “How come you didn’t bring any cake? Did you fight with your boyfriend?”
And I knew he was joking, but the way he said it hit me wrong, like he just assumed I’d fucked up somehow.
With everything else that had gone on today, it was enough to have all my anger and misery come rushing to the surface.
Any calm I’d gained from taking deep breaths went flying right out the fucking window—at around the same time my beer can went flying toward Wilder’s head.
Wilder ducked out of the way and the can bounced off the refrigerator door and clattered to the ground where it rocked lazily from side to side while Wilder stared at me, wide-eyed.
“What the hell, Chase?”
I’d say the apology was on the tip of my tongue, but it really wasn’t. Just more anger. “Fuck off.”
Wilder didn’t get angry in return, though. Instead, he lifted his chin and said, “Hey, what’s going on? You okay?”
That was wrong. He was supposed to get pissed at me so I didn’t have to feel like shit for being pissed at him. So I muttered another, “Fuck off.”
Then he took a step closer, which was the opposite of what I wanted. I glared at him in warning and he stopped before he was close enough to touch me, thank fuck. If he tried to hug me right now, I might fly apart at the seams. “Seriously,” he asked, “what gives?”
“Nothing,” I muttered. “Just a shit day.”
Wilder’s brow creased, and then understanding dawned in his eyes as he put the pieces together. “Did something happen with Lee?” he asked. “Do I need to punch him?”
I snorted despite myself. Wilder was tall and he was kind of built, but Lee was packing a whole lot of solid muscle that he’d earned lugging around fifty-pound sacks of flour, all day, every day.
He could wipe the floor with Wilder and not even break a sweat.
Still, I didn’t doubt that if I asked him to, Wilder would throw hands for me.
I wasn’t sure how that made me feel. I’d always looked after Cash and me, and I sure as shit didn’t need any help now—but Wilder offering to have my back was a reminder that maybe I didn’t have to do everything alone.
And that was what broke me.
My eyes burned, and I blinked away the wet sheen. “We broke up, that’s all. Whatever.”
To my horror my voice hitched. I glared at Wilder, daring him to say something as I wiped my eyes on my sleeve.
He took a half step forward, paused, then turned and left the room.
At first I thought he’d taken the hint and left me alone, and I was left trying to figure out why that stung so much. It was what I wanted, wasn’t it?
Then I heard the mower cut out, and Wilder came back with Danny hot on his heels.
Danny took one look at my face, put an arm around my shoulders, and steered me into the living room and sat me on the couch.
He sat in Cash’s armchair facing me and said, “Wanna tell me what happened?” in a tone I’d only ever heard him use on Cash’s worst days, so I knew I must look as bad as I felt.
I looked at Danny, then at Wilder, then at Danny again, and said, “Is this an intervention?”
“Don’t do that,” Danny said earnestly. “This isn’t a joke. This is us checking that you’re okay.”
“It’s fine.” My tongue felt twice as big as it should have. “It’s no big deal.”
“You haven’t had a boyfriend in as long as we’ve known you,” Danny said. “So maybe it’s a bigger deal than you’re saying.”
I’d never had a boyfriend, but that wasn’t the point. “We were together for like a hot second. It really isn’t.”
Danny nodded, still looking earnest. “I get that, but it’s not just about how long it lasted, is it? It’s about how you felt, and what you wanted, and how much all that turns out to have weighed.”
Straight for the fucking jugular, Danny.
“It’s fine,” I said again. “It’s no big deal. Wanting things… wanting things is for little kids who still believe in Santa.”
They exchanged a look but didn’t try to correct me. Hell, even I knew I was talking shit, so I appreciated that.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Wilder asked.
“Nope.” I shook my head fast enough to rattle my brain. “Hell, no.”
They exchanged that look again.
“Look,” I said. “Can’t we say that we were both assholes and leave it at that? And it’s done, and nobody needs to get beaten up, and we can just go back to the way things were.”
“You’re not an asshole, Chase,” Danny said.
“I am.” I hated how my voice cracked. “Just leave me alone, okay?”
Danny’s brow furrowed, but he grabbed Cash’s blanket off his armchair and threw it over my legs, like he’d figured out this talk-it-out bullshit was going exactly nowhere.
I pulled the blanket up under my chin, digging my fingers through the gaps in the crochet squares, and closed my eyes, hoping I could disappear.
When I opened them a few minutes later, Danny and Wilder were gone. So the blanket kind of worked.
I heard the sound of the mower starting up outside—Danny, so that must have been Wilder rattling around in the kitchen. I felt bad about throwing the beer can at him, but it wasn’t like I could apologize now. If I did, it would open up the whole conversation again, and fuck that noise.
The afternoon drew on into evening. Gracie came back from Avery’s, chattering away, and helped Wilder make dinner.
We were on a beans and rice week again, but that was fine because Danny’s recipe rocked.
I just sat in Cash’s chair and stuck my fingers through the holes in the blanket and tried not to think about anything at all.
The mower cut out at some point.
I heard Cash’s dirt bike coming down the street just as it was getting dark, so I forced myself out of his chair and slumped on the couch instead. I kept the blanket, though.
When Cash came inside, he didn’t even get as far as taking his backpack off before he took one look at me and whispered, “What happened?”
I could avoid talking to Danny and Wilder about it, but not Cash. Which was ironic since he never fucking talked. I shrugged. “Broke up with Lee.”
His gaze sharpened. “Why?”
“Because I wanted to,” I said.
“You’re lying.”
“Fuck off.”
Cash closed the space between us and slipped his backpack off. Dropped it soundlessly onto the floor. “Is it because of me?”
I always got pissed when people underestimated Cash because he was quiet. Except it turned out “people” included me. Of course he’d figured it out. “No, it isn’t.”
“It’s because of me.” It wasn’t a question this time. “Because you weren’t here. You were with him instead.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”
Cash shot me a look. “But you like him.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said again. Maybe if I kept saying it, one of us would believe it.
He scowled, and okay, we always looked identical, but now I doubted even I could have told us apart. “But you like him. You were happy.”
“Well, I wasn’t happy to come home and find you in the closet!”
He flinched like I’d slapped him.
“That came out wrong!”
He shook his head. “No, it didn’t.”
“Fuck you. I’m not blaming you!” This was a stupid argument to have when he was standing up and I was sitting down, so I stood up too. “I’m supposed to be here with you! That’s how it is!”
“Says who?” Cash snapped, louder than I’d ever heard him. Loud enough that I was aware of Wilder and Gracie and Danny falling silent in the kitchen.
“I said I’d always look after you, asshole!” I was shouting now. “What do you think ‘always’ means? I got in Dad’s way for you, every fucking time!”
I got up in his face, and he pushed me back. Hard. I caught myself before I landed on the couch.
“I didn’t ask you to do that!” His face was red and his eyes shone with tears. “I never asked you to do that!”
“Well, who the fuck else was going to protect you?”
I thought he wouldn’t have an answer for that, but Cash just lifted his chin and said, “He’s not here now, Chase. And maybe you should stop acting like he is.”
“That’s rich, coming from the guy who was hiding in the closet!”
Another flinch, but he rallied. “And that’s rich too, coming from the guy who says he doesn’t blame me.”
I wasn’t sure when I’d started crying, but my eyes were burning and my face was wet, and I hated myself.
“I don’t need you,” Cash said, and the shock at hearing those words come out of his mouth must have shown on my face because his eyes widened too.
“I mean, I don’t need you to be here every second of the day just because I’m fucked up.
Because that’s my problem, not yours. Because guess what?
You’re just as fucked up as I am, just in a different way. At least I’m trying to get better.”
“You don’t even talk!”
“I’m talking now,” he said. “I talk when it matters. And this matters. You matter. I don’t give a fuck about Lee. I don’t even know that guy. But I don’t want to be the reason that you’re too scared to try to be normal.”
I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t scared, but that was a lie. I’d been scared my whole life, just like him, just in a different way.
“Don’t let Dad win,” Cash said. He was crying too. “Please.”
But he didn’t get it. I was winning by keeping Cash safe. “I’m not letting him win,” I said. “I never would. This thing with Lee is…” I shook my head.
“Is what?” Cash asked.
“I keep telling everyone. I fucking promise, Cash, it’s no big deal! We were screwing around and now we’re not, and everyone’s treating it like it’s some big tragedy, but it’s not! It’s not!”
And then I stalked out of there before he called me out on my lie.