Chapter 17 Chase #2
Had to blink to stop my eyes from stinging when I realized it was true.
Because every time I’d taken a beating for Cash, who’d dragged me up off the floor and looked after me?
Who’d held bags of frozen peas against my eye and dabbed iodine on my cuts?
Who’d carefully stuck Band-Aids on the places that needed them?
Who’d climbed into bed with me after all that and hugged me until I could pretend I wasn’t crying?
And who’d brought me lasagna from Avery’s place because he knew I’d want some?
I put the fork and the empty container down on the nightstand and wrapped my arms around Cash’s neck, resting my forehead against his.
Something in me broke loose when he hugged me back, and the next thing I knew I was crying and I couldn’t stop, so I didn’t try.
I rested my head on his shoulder and Cash held me and made soft noises, running a soothing hand down my spine and taking care of me.
He’d been doing it my whole life—I’d just been too busy worrying about him to see it.
I lifted my head and blinked the wetness away. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” He let go of me and gave me an expectant look, and I got the hint.
I lay down on the bed and he relaxed against my side, one arm draped over my stomach and his head nestled over my heart.
His voice was quiet when he said, “I meant what I said. I don’t need you here every second.
And you deserve to go on dates and have a life without spending every minute worrying.
” He lifted his head and caught my gaze. “We both do.”
I let that sit for a minute and found myself remembering what Lee had told me—how sometimes Sam had needed that protectiveness, but sometimes she’d just needed to be treated like she was normal.
Maybe Cash needed that more than he needed me hovering over him all the time.
I sat with it long enough that Cash nudged me. “Chase?”
I pulled him closer. “You still have nightmares, though.”
“Yeah, but I’ll have those whether you’re here or not. And they’re getting better.”
I thought about it and realized he was right. He still had plenty of them, but now I wasn’t working nights, they were getting further apart. Maybe that was why that last one had hit me so hard.
“Besides,” Cash said, “I don’t want us to end up like those creepy twins who are ninety years old and still live together and finish each other’s sentences, okay?”
I snorted. “Like you’re ever finishing anyone’s sentences.”
“Fuck you,” he said and pinched my side.
I yelped and Cash grinned at me, and I knew we were okay.
He curled up close and I felt the tension bleed out of him as I lay there, turning over what he’d said.
The more I thought about it, as scary as fuck as it was to admit it, Cash was right.
We couldn’t go through life holding each other back just because I was afraid to let go.
If we did that, our piece-of-shit dad really would win.
It was okay to want to live my life, and go on dates, and be my own person. Cash would still be there for me, just like I’d always be there for him. But we didn’t have to only be there for each other.
Well, fuck.
Cash really was the smart twin, wasn’t he?
“I fucked up with Lee,” I said.
Cash levered himself up on one elbow and regarded me with dark, earnest eyes. “Nah. I bet he’d be your boyfriend again if you asked him.”
My stomach twisted with the reminder of Lee’s rejection. “You’re wrong. I told him we could just fuck around for fun, and he said no. He didn’t even want that,” I said bitterly.
Cash shoved my shoulder. “He said no because he didn’t want just that, dumbass. He likes you.”
I almost hated Cash in that moment for making me think there was a chance of getting what I wanted for once. When had that ever worked out for me?
I wasn’t sure what Lee saw in me anyway, and now he’d had time to think about it, he’d probably decided I wasn’t worth the effort.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “It’s not like I’m going to tell him I changed my mind.”
Cash shrugged. “Fine. Don’t ask him.”
“Fine,” I repeated. “I won’t. I didn’t even like him that much.”
“Oh yeah?” Cash said. “Then can I date him? He’s kind of hot, and I know I’m his type.”
“No!” The word came tumbling out of my mouth, my chest tightening at the idea of Lee being with someone else—even if that someone else was my other half.
Cash raised his eyebrows and gave me a look that clearly said he thought I was full of shit.
“Fine,” I said after a minute. “I still want to date him.”
My brother was such an asshole. I still pulled him down close to me and hugged him tight, though. His body shook, and I was pretty sure he was laughing at me.
“I still can’t believe you went over there,” I said. “Where did you even get his address?”
“From Wilder. You gonna talk to him?”
I didn’t love the idea of having to admit that I’d been wrong, and I liked the idea of Lee telling me no even less. But Cash had gone to Emporia, and he’d talked—to someone he barely knew—and he’d done it because he was looking after me.
Of course I was going to do whatever he asked.
And Lee had said he wanted more, and he hadn’t lied to me so far. “I guess.”
Cash grinned at me. “Good.”
The front door banged open, and there was the low murmur of voices and footsteps echoing. Cash nudged me wordlessly.
“Yeah, yeah.” I got up and went out into the living room with Cash trailing behind me.
“Uncle Chase! Is your head better?” Gracie asked, scrunching up her nose. “Did a nap help?”
I crouched down in front of where she was perched on the edge of Cash’s armchair and gave her a smile, because she was a little kid and she didn’t need to deal with my shit. “Yeah, sweet pea. I was just tired.”
She examined me closely, then nodded like I’d passed some sort of five-year-old fitness test and ran off to her room to do whatever little kids did.
Wilder and Danny were both watching me with matching expressions of concern. “How are you really doing? Or shouldn’t I ask?” Danny said.
“I’m…” I pulled a face. This wasn’t Gracie I was talking to. And for once I didn’t want to lie and say I was fine when I clearly wasn’t. “I’m not okay,” I admitted. “I got dumped, and it sucks.”
Wilder spread his arms wide, and the next thing I knew he was wrapping me in a hug. I let him hold me, and it felt better than I wanted to admit. Guilt swirled in my chest because I’d been an asshole to these guys when they hadn’t done anything to deserve it, and they weren’t even mad.
“I’m sorry I threw a beer can at you,” I mumbled from where I was smooshed against his shoulder.
Wilder squeezed me tighter, and when he let me go, he was grinning. “It’s all good, man. You have shit aim.”
Then Danny grabbed me and hugged me too, and it hit me all over again how Cash crawling into my bed all those times hadn’t only been for him, but for me too. I leaned into the hug.
“Sorry I’ve been in such a shit mood,” I said into his shoulder.
He patted me on the back. “Is that an apology for the last two days, or the last two years?”
“Fuck off,” I muttered.
He laughed and hugged me tighter. “We’re good, little brother.”
That stung more than something nice had any right to, and I straightened up and glared at him. “Hey, the only little brother here is Cash.”
Cash flipped me the bird. “You’re the little brother, asshole!”
“Bullshit.” We’d been arguing for years about which one of us was born first. I’d asked our mom once and she said it was me. My victory dance had lasted all of about thirty seconds when she’d followed up with, “But who the fuck knows how many times we mixed you up when you were babies?”
So yeah. Chase had been born first, but maybe I hadn’t even been Chase at the beginning.
It was pretty fucked up when you thought about it, but also one of the least fucked-up things about our parents.
Maybe in someone else’s family it could have been a funny story, but there wasn’t much room for those in ours.
“Our parents mixed us up a bunch of times, so we don’t even know which one of us is which,” Cash said, which might have been the longest sentence he’d ever spoken in front of everyone.
“Holy fuck,” Danny said and blinked.
“Seriously?” Wilder asked, his mouth twitching. “I’m sorry, just—” And he laughed.
Cash grinned and shrugged.
Okay, huh. So maybe it could be a funny story with this family.
I patted Danny on the back one last time and released him. “Thanks, man.”
“It can be hard to apologize,” Danny said. “I appreciate it.”
“Probably got more of that to do,” I said and slumped down on the couch.
Danny sat next to me. “Yeah?”
Cash grabbed his blanket off the recliner and tossed it to me, and my fingers found the holes between the loose stitches.
“I dunno.” I shrugged. “What do you say to someone when you messed up bad?”
“What you just said to us,” Wilder said.
“I don’t even know if I want him as a boyfriend.” But even as I said the words, I heard the lie in them. “It seems really fucking hard, like having to think about someone else, and listen to their bullshit, and give a shit.” No lie that time.
Danny tilted his head. “I mean, yeah, but you already do that for all of us, don’t you?”
Did I? It didn’t feel the same.
“I think that maybe it’s not doing that for someone else that’s the problem,” Danny said.
“I think that maybe it’s Lee doing it back for you.
Because when you let somebody care about you, you’re giving him a different kind of power over you than you give your friends, you know?
Like it’s scary that you could care for someone, and they could break up with you, and that would hurt in a different way than if it was just some dumb shit that happened with me or Wilder, right? ”
I got the impression that he’d peppered his speech with maybes and you knows because he knew exactly how it’d go if he tried to read me on facts.
He was softening the blow. And the blow was the part where he metaphorically slammed my stupid head against the nearest wall until I got the fucking point.
And the point was that I was fucking terrified.
Joke was on him. I already knew that. What if I did get used to caring about Lee and having him care about me? Could I take the pain if I didn’t get to have that anymore, if I did something dumb and ruined it?
Something dumb like forcing him to dump you because he liked you too much to fuck you without feelings?
There was my chatty fucking brain again. Where had that asshole been the whole rest of my life?
“I don’t know,” I lied, my gaze meeting Cash’s and holding it.
You know.
And whether that was my brain again, or my conscience, or whether Cash and I had finally developed those telepathic powers we’d always wanted, I had no idea. But I knew one thing for sure: I’d fucked up, and unless I was willing to let my past win, I had to step up and make it right.
And I’d never backed down from a challenge in my life.