Chapter 14
MY EARS PERK UP behind me and I know it’s Sloane. She’s making some sort of noise and the screech becomes more pronounced as this petite brunette continues to have her hands on me. I try to get away but she comes right back like some goddamn flea. I just want her to go away.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Sloane and Jake huddled close as he whispers something in her ear, I catch them looking at one another and then she fucking kisses his cheek. What the fuck was that?
My whole body reacts. My jaw ticks, my teeth grind, my eyes narrow, my blood boils, and I feel a rush of adrenaline that has me ready to fuck shit up. The devil on my shoulder is throwing a tantrum and I’m two seconds away from having one of my own.
I stare at the spot on my friend’s cheek where her pretty mouth was. I want to rip the skin that she kissed right off his face. The rational part of me knows there is zero going on between them but he has one of her kisses now and I have zero. Fucking zero. I don’t get to have them but I don’t like that anyone else does either.
She walks and waves, keeping those sexy hips moving until I lose her in the crowd. I stare… I stare so goddamn hard. She looks different, a little unkept which is the exact opposite of her usual put together look. To everyone else she probably looks the same, but I’m not everyone else and I would know what to look for when it comes to her.
I don’t speak or acknowledge her because, per usual, I swallow my goddamn tongue when she’s around. But this time all I want to do is scream out loud and tell her that the girl who stuck herself to my arm means absolutely fucking nothing. I want her to know that I hate that my boy got her attention and affection. I’m feeling fucking ready to do just that when she levels me with a look over her shoulder. It’s at the same moment that the flea returns and I stick my hands out in front of me to shoo her away again.
“You good man?” Jake asks. Of course he does. He’s always so fucking nice and all I wanna do is punch him in the goddamn face. I’m such an asshole.
I don’t bother answering him. The flea must have gotten the memo that I’m not interested and is now clinging to Monroe who looks all too happy to take on another puck bunny. He can have every single one.
I storm off, making my way towards the athletic facility. I don’t care if we had morning skate, all I wanna do is work out again especially since these fuckers interrupted my morning run. I ignore my growling stomach and shoulder through people.
“Where the fuck are you going now?” My brother shouts but I keep moving. I hear footsteps behind me and roll my eyes. They won’t give up. Loyal fucking bastards.
“I’m gonna tell you again, I don’t want company, now go away,” I yell back but that doesn’t slow them down.
Instead, twenty minutes later, everyone but Max is in the goddamn weight room with me, at various machines or working with free weights. I’m rip shit mad and digging deep to stay on the other side of the room away from my traitorous friend. One of my best friends, who I swear has the outline of her mouth on his face.
“You’re not getting rid of us that easily, sunshine,” Monroe chirps while picking up free weights.
“Stop calling me that,” I sneer back when I walk by him.
“No way, it fits your new cheery disposition perfectly,” he smiles back at me in the mirror while he curls the weight towards his shoulder and back down again.
“Can’t you all go back to acting like nothing’s wrong with me? Let’s go back to that,” I plead.
“Fuck no, we love you man. You”re stuck with us. If we can deal with Hunt’s sparkling personality we can handle your grumpy ass,” Monroe adds between sets.
“Wow, Its like I won the fucking lottery or something,” I mumble out and work through another set of crunches on the floor mat.
“What the fuck is up with you?” My brother asks as he comes over to stretch.
“Nothing I want to fucking get into here,” I tell him, but he won’t drop it. No A, is always a dog with a goddam bone about shit he doesn’t like the answers to.
“I feel like the roles are reversed here. You”re not the angry one, that’s me, and all you’ve been doing since we walked in here is give murderous glares towards our friend over there,” he points to Jake with his chin. I bare my teeth to him as I go for an additional plank to distract him and myself from my answer. A sexy as fuck, redheaded answer.
Monroe comes over and mimics my position. I roll my eyes, everyone knows everyone’s business, my friends are all fucking gossips.
“What the fuck is up with him?” he points to me but addresses A after finishing his plank.
“Bet you twenty bucks it has to do with Red.” A thinks he is so goddamn smart. Fucker.
“That’s a losing man’s bet, it always has to do with her when his face is like that.” Monroe sticks his pointer finger in my cheek and I swat his hand away. He just can’t fucking help himself today.
“You assholes know I’m right fucking here, right?” I glare at them both before taking a sip of my water.
“Yeah but this is way more fun, seriously though, what’s up with you?” I think about my answer and it’s fucking ridiculous, that kiss on the check was one of the most innocent forms of affection there is. It’s fucking irrational that I’m pissed at Jake, but she makes me fucking crazy.
“Fucking Sloane kissed Jake on the cheek.” These assholes fucking laugh. Monroe wipes away tears and my brother is laughing so hard he tumbles to his back.
Their laughter gets the attention of Jake who’s been working out with a trainer. Great.
“I hate you both,” I mumble out which only encourages their antics when he walks over and makes himself comfortable on the mat.
“No ,you don’t. You”re pissed at me and if you need to get something off your chest go ahead and say it, I can take it,” Jake says while starting to stretch out. Even when he’s mad, Jake’s still the nicest fucking guy in the world. This alone makes me feel like a dick. He doesn’t deserve this from me.
“It’s nothing man, we”re cool.” I tell him because if I admit why I’m pissed I have a feeling he’ll put me on my ass about Sloane. They’re friends and I know their exchange before was a hundred percent platonic. This shit is all on me, it’s not on her, or Jake, or anyone else. I’ve put her and I in this position.
Jake sighs and runs his hand over his face. He’s now got the attention of the entire goddamn room, because if Jake Terrenzio takes any form of the spotlight, you fucking watch and listen. He’s that commanding, it’s just who he is.
“Daddy’s about to let you have it,” Monroe whispers before laughing like an idiot.
“Look man, you”re playing fucking games with Sloane and I’m not going to watch her get hurt just like I wouldn’t watch you get hurt. That’s what this morning was about and that’s why we’re all fucking here now…because you’re hurting yourself.”
“I’m not hurting my-,” I try to interrupt him but he cuts me right off.
“I’m not fucking done,” Okay then.
“She saw you talking to that girl and she’s well aware that you say nothing, do nothing and act as if she means nothing to you. Even though everyone fucking knows that it’s the fucking opposite of the goddam truth. It upset her and I told her that those girls had nothing on her, that they aren’t fucking comparable, and that you sure as fuck know that. I should have told her what a goddamn idiot you are but I think she knows that already.” He doesn’t waver. He doesn’t squirm under my steely eyes. He just crosses his arms over his chest and lifts his head to me. I don’t say a fucking word. I am a fucking idiot. He holds out his fist for me to bump and I do.
“Let that marinate in your thick skull for a little bit. I’m fucking hungry, I gotta go eat,” Monroe says and smacks me in the head with Jake right behind him.
“That girl could be the love of your fucking life if you stop trying to ruin yours,” A adds while popping up to his feet.
“I didn’t know you were such a fucking romantic,” I yell at his retreating form.
“And I didn’t know you were such a fucking dumbass.” He counters without giving me another glance. Okay, that stings a bit.
I finish up in the weight room and I’m no longer angry, if anything I feel like an idiot. Jake is right and I saw several heads nod in agreement when he called me out. I would actually use more colorful adjectives to describe myself and there isn’t a shortage of names that accurately account for my behavior towards Sloane.
My brother’s right; she’s a once in a lifetime kinda girl and I’ve got feelings for her that run fucking deep. But I’ve also got deep rooted guilt over the unimaginable pain and suffering I’ve brought to my sister. And I’m fucking disgusted with myself over my choices and actions. I really am a worthless piece of shit.
I’m not discounting other siblings and their blood and bonds, but A and B are my triplethood. We’re multiples of each other and even though we’re individual people, our connection to one another is on a whole different level.
The fact that I failed her twice, and she’s been hurt to the degree that she has, wounds me in a way that feels unbearable at times.
I know A feels this cavernous wound as well. Him and I are bleeding out even if he’d never admit it. That’s what it feels like, even though we’ve done some substantial healing as a family it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. It’s because of this that I can’t have her. It’s because of this that I won’t overstep and take her from B. Sloane belongs to my sister.
They’re best friends, the friendship that B deserves to have. She deserves the fierce loyalty, security, love and empowerment that their friendship gives her. I wouldn’t want to get in the middle and mess that up for either of them.
I’ve ruined plenty of friendships for B in the past. I’ve benefited from girls pretending to like her who really liked me. A has too. We kept taking and taking and taking from her. I love my sister, she is a third of me, and I’ve been a terrible brother and person to her. I’m paying my dues and trying to be better for her, our relationship, and for our triplethood.
I just have to keep reminding myself and everyone else who pushes me to shoot my shot with Sloane that I don’t deserve the beautiful, kind, and true-hearted woman that she is.
She deserves more than I am, more than I have shown her, and more than I can ever be.
So I’ll continue to do what I always do. I’ll keep my distance and watch her from afar, I’ll dream of her and all that could be if I wasn’t me, and I’ll remain fucking mesmerized by the woman she is. She just can never be mine.
We’re having a team meeting before we suit up for our game. I still have no idea if Coach is gonna play me or if I’ll be a healthy scratch. I’m trying to find it in me to give a shit either way.
I slouch down in my seat and listen to Coach go on and on about the next few games we have. Coach glares at my teammates, including A, who are enrolled in tutoring and slams his fist on the table when talking about academic eligibility and maintaining good GPAs.
“You all have big dreams and I will do my damndest to help you get to the next level but you all need a back up plan otherwise you’ll be lacing skates your entire lives. I get first week reports on Friday morning and if any of you are missing or late to tutoring I will tie your ass to a chair in the library before every goddamn practice and game until you get your shit together. Do I make myself clear?”
A rubs his palms over his thighs and I’ve got a feeling he hasn’t reported to tutoring once this week. His knee is bouncing a mile a fucking minute and Monroe leans over and says something to him before slapping him on the back.
Monroe is a scholar athlete and he and Drew are always neck and neck for highest GPA in the athletics department. No doubt he can help him out and smooth things over with Coach.
“Ok, go suit up. One last thing, both of you Wiltons, meet me in my office in five.” A looks like he’s about to break out in a cold sweat. He doesn’t get upset about much but hockey getting taken away from him would definitely be one of the few things to rattle his cage.
Coach’s door is open when we both approach and we each take a seat and wait for him to finish up on his tablet.
“I’m going to ask you both a question and I want an honest answer. It’ll determine how your next few hours go so take more than a half a second to think it over,” he states while steepling his fingers in front of his face while his elbows rest on his desk.
“Do you both want to stay on this team?” Coach’s voice is stern and ice cold. Void of all emotions, just straight to the fucking point. No bullshit.
“Of course we do, Coach,” A answers for the both of us and unlike Coach, his voice is full of enough emotion to fill the damn arena.
“Then why haven’t you gotten your ass to tutoring this week? I checked in specifically with the Tutoring Center and you didn’t see your tutor once.”
“It’s not my fault Coach, I’ve texted her and she isn’t getting back to me.” A pulls out his phone and shows Coach the crazy amount of messages he’s sent Edison. He keeps scrolling up to show him how many of them there are. There isn’t a single response from her. It’s honestly hilarious. So this is why he’s had his phone in a death grip for weeks. She’s ghosting him.
“Did you go to the Tutoring Center? Or join in on another session with one of your teammates? Did you bring this to my attention before I had to ask you about it? No you didn’t.”
“I-,” A tries to defend himself but Coach isn’t having it.
“I don’t want to hear one more excuse Hunter. Not one.” Coach turns from A to me and I swear the room warms up slightly. “Have you thought about our conversation yesterday? I’m worried about you and I know your teammates are too.”
“I’ve thought about it a little. I just don’t know how it’s gonna solve anything, Coach.” I can feel my brother burning holes in the side of my head. The NHL has always been a shared dream and I don’t want to let him down but I also don’t see how therapy will help.
“All I’m asking is for you to give it a shot, to give yourself a shot,” he asks and as sincere as he’s being, I feel like he’s trapping me in a corner.
If I say no, everything gets taken away from me. I’m off the team. I’m outta Havenwood. No more Sloane. Oh my fucking God my parents will disown me.
A, Drew, Jake, and Monroe will leave me for the pros. B will marry Max and go live wherever he’s drafted. I’ll really be alone. I’d be abandoned…again.
I feel hot from head to toe. My throat is tight and my mouth is dry. Panic is starting to set in and I grip the sides of the chair to keep myself from toppling over. Fuck, I think I’m gonna pass out.
I faintly hear my brother’s voice, I can’t make it out clearly, I think he’s saying something about breathing but I can’t make it out over the loud-as-hell thoughts running rampant through my head. He sounds like he’s a million miles away... maybe he’s already left me.
The angel’s voice booms over the static and noise that’s at maximum volume in my head. I can see her clear as day, shining her halo and settling into her plush chair on my shoulder so she can comfortably remind me that my sister will leave me too if I go after her friend.
All of a sudden I feel hands gripping my shoulders and my hat is ripped off my head. My dirty ass sweatshirt is being fanned away from my chest and I shiver as the cool air hits my sweaty skin.
I think Coach is talking to someone. I hear the words doctor and trainer but I can’t focus on anything but the black dots in front of me.
“Chase, fucking breathe. Fucking breathe,” Hunter’s voice sounds so close now. Did he come back for me?
“I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere, open your eyes and breathe for me,” his words are crystal clear
and are exactly what I need. My throat relaxes, my lungs deflate and I take in a big breath of air. My eyes fly open and the spots fade.
“You haven’t done that in years. Fuck, are you okay?” My brother sounds frantic. Like he’s spooked.
“What the fuck just happened? Chase, talk to me, son,” Coach asks and puts his meaty hand on my forehead and pushes my sweat-drenched hair outta the way.
“He had a panic attack. He holds his breath when it happens,” A explains and then asks, “Are they happening again?”
“I don’t know,” I croak out and rub my chest which still feels tight.
“Here drink this, and when was the last time you ate something? You look paler than usual,” Coach asks and I honestly can’t remember eating anything besides a protein shake after weightlifting. I missed breakfast and lunch so that’s probably it.
There’s a knock on the door and a doctor and trainer come inside to look me over. They ask about my daily routine, stress, and if anything is bothering me. I laugh in their fucking faces.
When I try to play down the running and working out, my annoying ass brother tells them what’s been going on. At one point he just holds up his middle finger in my face and goes on and on about me getting up every morning to run and then sneaking back out at night when I think no one notices.
Coach walks out after the doctor and trainer who tell us I’m okay to go home and sleep it off. When he comes back in he’s got Jake, Monroe, and Max with him. Great, another fucking intervention. Today sucks so goddamn much.
“I want you boys to hear this and I want your help holding him accountable. I trust you to help me with this since you came to me in the first place,” They all nod their heads in agreement and I want nothing more than to disappear. I should’ve paid more attention when B took up learning magic in middle school.
“Therapy is mandatory, you report tomorrow after volunteering. You’re not getting on the ice tonight, I want you home and resting. No more running. That starts now. Your feet are a fucking mess, Chase. Do you hear me? Don’t fucking think about it. You’re one of my own, and god dammit, you’re getting the help you need and you’re getting it now.”
He takes a breath before continuing, “My brother has had rough bouts with depression his whole life, I know what it’s like to care about someone who’s hurting, let us help you. We’re not just your hockey team, we’re your family and we stick together. Tomorrow Chase, are we clear? Are you good with this?” I give him a short nod because I don’t know what other choice I really have. He palms my shoulder and gives me a reassuring squeeze.
“Who can we call to get him home safely? You boys are suited up and we’ve got a game to play in twenty minutes. Is Evie around? Or that footballer you’re always with?” Coach asks and every single one of these fucks starts smiling.
“She’s at group tonight, and Drew’s got class, but I do know someone else we could call,” Max says with a smug look on his face. Don’t you fucking dare.
My eyes track his movements as he wakes up his phone. Don’t even think about it. He swipes to find what he’s looking for and grins like a fucking fool. Oh my fucking God, do not press call. My eyes go wide the second he starts talking,
“Hey Red, I need a favor.” The devil on my shoulder starts clapping and chanting, “We get to see our girl, we get to see our girl.” Great, I’m about to have another fucking panic attack.