Chapter 10 #3
I think it is, but as I walk beside Lucian—this dangerous, complicated man who saved my life and hunted for me and held me when I was fevered and broken—“peaceful” feels like settling for less. It feels like giving up something valuable that I can’t even name.
“He says he loves me,” I add, my voice barely audible now. The declaration that should fill me with joy sounds flat and unconvincing instead.
That’s when Lucian finally stops walking and looks at me.
“Does he?” His voice is low, vibrating with what sounds like anger.
I turn to face him and am startled by the fury blazing in his eyes. “Yes, he—”
“And how exactly do you know he loves you?” Each word is sliced off, sharp as glass.
My jaw drops at his tone. “Because he told me so.”
“He told you so.” There’s disbelief in his voice, contempt even. “And that’s enough for you?”
“What else would I need?” The question comes out defensive, sharper than I expected.
“Actions,” he snaps, his temper finally breaking free. “Proof. Something more than pretty words spoken by a man who hardly knows you.”
“He does know me—”
“Does he?” Lucian steps closer, so close that I have to tilt my head back to meet his burning gaze. “Does he know that you hum when you’re happy? That you talk to your cat like she can understand every word? That you’d rather die free than live as a slave?”
My breath catches in my throat. Those are things Andrew doesn’t know, details about myself that I’ve never shared with him during our brief, weekly meetings.
“Does he know how reckless you are?” Lucian continues, his voice rough and intense. “How you venture into dangerous woods to gather herbs where others won’t go? How you saved my life without hesitation, even though I was a stranger who could have killed you?”
His hands come up to grip both sides of my jaw, fingers firm against my skin, and the touch sends electricity racing through my veins. This close, I can see the gold flecks in his blue eyes, can feel the power exuding from him.
“Does he know that you experiment on yourself with dangerous poisons, testing cure after cure until you’ve developed remedies no one else has?”
“Lucian—”
“If I told you I loved you right now,” he says, his voice raw with desperation, “would you marry me instead?”
The question staggers me. My entire world tilts sideways, and for a moment, I can’t breathe.
The answer should come immediately: a clear, resounding “no.” I love Andrew.
I’m going to marry Andrew. But the word sticks in my throat, refusing to be uttered, and I find myself staring into Lucian’s blistering eyes with my heart hammering so hard I can’t even think.
“I—” I see a shift in his expression as he reads the confusion and uncertainty that I’m sure are written across my face.
He releases me brusquely, stepping back as if I’ve burned him. The loss of his touch is devastating, leaving me cold and aching.
“Shit,” he mutters, running a hand through his hair. He looks uncomfortable, angry—at himself, at me, at the situation. “Let’s just get on with it.”
But I can’t let this go. “Lucian—”
“Forget I said anything.” His voice is sharp, cutting.
“You’re right to want safety. You’re right to choose someone who’ll protect you and give you a quiet life.
” He looks at me with something that might be pity, and it cuts deeper than any blade.
“I just don’t understand how someone like you can believe people so easily.
How you can trust pretty words from a man who doesn’t even know the real you. ”
The criticism stings more than it should. “I’m not naive.”
“Aren’t you?” There’s cruelty in his voice now, a deliberate attempt to hurt.
“You’ve known this human for what, a few years?
Spent maybe two hours total with him during all that time?
He says he loves you, and you’re ready to believe him.
You don’t even know what love feels like, but you’re convinced that’s what this is because he told you so. ”
“That’s not fair.”
“It’s completely fair.” His voice turns harsh, almost vicious. “You’re so desperate to be wanted that you’ll settle for the first person who shows you basic kindness. You think gratitude is the same thing as love.”
Tears burn behind my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. “At least Andrew wants me. At least he thinks I’m worth loving, unlike some people who find me nothing but annoying.”
The words hang between us like a challenge, and I see something flicker across his face—pain, maybe, or regret. But then his expression hardens again.
“You are annoying,” he says, his voice flat and cruel. “You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met. You argue with everything I say, you never listen to perfectly reasonable orders, you have no sense of self-preservation, and you talk constantly about things that don’t matter.”
Each word is like a knife to my chest. I can feel my composure cracking, the tears I’ve been fighting finally beginning to well up despite my efforts to hold them back.
“You chatter endlessly about a man who doesn’t deserve you, who couldn’t protect you if his life depended on it,” Lucian continues. “You’ve convinced yourself that settling for scraps is the same thing as being in love.”
The tears are threatening to spill over now, blurring my vision. With shaking hands, I dig into my knapsack and pull out the small pouch of coins—every silver piece I have to my name.
“Here,” I say hoarsely, thrusting the money toward him with trembling fingers. “Take it. All of it. You’ve more than earned it, dealing with someone as annoying as me.” My body feels cold, a numbness settling within me.
He stares at the coins like they’re poison, making no move to take them. “Astra—”
“Take it,” I repeat, my voice cracking despite my efforts to stay strong. “Consider this the end of our contract. You don’t have to worry about being annoyed by me anymore since we’ll never see each other again.”
I turn away from him before he can respond, before I completely break down in front of him. My legs feel shaky, but I force myself to walk toward the town, toward Andrew, toward the safe and quiet life that suddenly feels like a prison sentence.
Luna appears at my side, padding silently beside me, and I realize she has chosen to follow me rather than stay with him. Even my cat knows where she belongs. The thought makes fresh tears spill down my cheeks.
“Come on, Luna,” I whisper, scooping her up and holding her close to my chest. “Let’s go.”
But as I walk away, the silence behind me is deafening. He doesn’t call after me, doesn’t try to stop me, doesn’t even say goodbye. The lack of any response is somehow worse than his punishing words, a final confirmation that I never mattered to him at all.
The tears come in earnest now, silent sobs that shake my entire body. I press my face against Luna’s fur, trying to muffle the sound, but I can’t stop the flood of emotion that crashes over me like a tide.
I’d thought—foolishly, naively—that maybe Lucian was different.
That maybe he saw something in me worth protecting, worth caring about.
I’d let myself believe that his gruff demeanor hid something softer underneath, that his reluctant smiles and gentle touches meant I’d finally found someone who could accept me as I am.
But I was wrong. He’s just like everyone else; he thinks I’m annoying and worthless and is glad I’m gone.
At least my pack members never pretended otherwise; they were cruel but honest about their hatred.
Lucian made me hope, made me think that maybe someone could actually want me around, only to reveal that he finds me just as unbearable as the rest of them do.
The worst part isn’t even the cruel things he said.
It’s the realization that, for the first time in my life, I’d felt truly seen by someone.
When he looked at me, I thought he saw Astra the person, not Astra the burden.
I thought his protection meant something more than just professional obligation.
I thought I’d finally found someone who liked me.
But I was just as desperate and pathetic as he said—so starved for acceptance that I mistook basic human decency for something deeper. So naive that I confused a mercenary doing his job with genuine care.
Luna purrs against my chest, and I hold her tighter, grateful for her unwavering loyalty even as my heart breaks into pieces. At least I have her. At least Andrew is waiting for me in Turnville, ready to offer me the safe, quiet life I’ve always claimed I want.
Sadly, these thoughts don’t cheer me up the way they should.