22. Chapter 22
Chapter 22
Finn
P ressing my palm against Tessa’s lower back, I guided her out of the bar. I forced myself to focus on getting her home and not on finding Jess and laying into her the way I wanted to. When I heard her shrill insults sweep across the bar, I leapt from the booth. I wasn’t able to see their interaction from where I sat, but I instinctively knew Tessa needed me.
I pulled out of the parking lot while the singer on the radio crooned about taking a chance on love. Neither of us spoke until I pulled onto the winding road that led up the mountain to my home.
“Your ex is beautiful,” Tessa murmured as she stared out the window. I scoffed at her comment, causing her to look at me. “You don’t agree?” she asked, her tone unsure.
Shaking my head, a look of disgust crossed my features. “Sure, Jess is attractive on the outside, but she’s one of the worst people I’ve ever met.”
Tessa continued staring at me, and I knew she was waiting for an explanation. The cab fell silent while I tried to figure out how much of the story I wanted to share. Ultimately, I decided given everything she shared with me, I could give her this.
“Jessica was my high school girlfriend,” I said. “We dated for most of our senior year. When I decided to enlist, I didn’t tell my family until I had my orders to report to boot camp, but I told Jess as soon as I signed the papers.”
I stared at the road and got lost in the memory. “She was really pissed when I told her, but eventually she came around.” I snorted, remembering our conversation. “She said she was looking forward to being a military wife and knew she could support me the way I would need. I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were never getting married. I knew I needed to break things off with her after she said that, but I didn’t want to deal with the drama she would create for the last couple months before I left.”
“The night before I left for basic training, we agreed to meet up. She claimed she had something special for me. I ended up going to her house earlier than planned, only to find her fucking the quarterback from our rival town in her parent’s bed.”
Tessa gasped, but I focused on the road and continued, “The dipshit she was fucking screamed like a little girl when he saw me standing in the doorway. They both scrambled to find their clothes, but I was so done at that point, I turned and walked out of the house.”
“She chased after me, apologizing profusely with big crocodile tears streaming down her face.” A small flicker of indignation still flared when I recalled the way she tried to justify her actions. “She said she did her ‘research’ about what military life would be like, claiming infidelity was common among military couples due to the long periods of separation. Because clearly that would make her fucking another dude okay,” I said, shaking my head at her pathetic excuse.
“As it turned out, she was cheating on me with approximately half the male population of Montana, including several boyfriends of people we went to school with and even a couple of their dads. I know of at least two marriages she broke up. Needless to say, she became the town pariah after that.”
I turned to look at Tessa, only to laugh at her horror and indignation in the dim light of the cab. Her eyes narrowed and the look of outrage on her face was adorable. Not wanting her to expend any more emotional energy on my behalf, I admitted, “Honestly, part of it’s my fault. I stayed with her even though I didn’t love her. I never intended to marry her, but staying with her was easier than breaking up would have been, so I let it ride. I’m sure on some level she knew that.”
Tessa deflated in the passenger seat and shook her head. “It doesn’t matter if you guys were dating or if you were married. If you make the commitment to be with somebody, the very least that should be expected is fidelity.” A hush fell over the cab before she murmured, “I’m so sorry, Finn. You didn’t deserve what she did to you.”
I shrugged at her comment. “It’s not that big of a deal, Tessa. I don’t harbor any deep-seated issues from her cheating. To be honest, on some level I was relieved because it meant I didn’t have to be the bad guy when I broke up with her. Sure, my male ego stung a little bit at the idea I wasn’t enough for her. But other than that, I put her in the rearview mirror and never looked back. Her family moved to Helena after graduation, and after what she did, she was essentially exiled form Absolution. She lives a few towns over. We see each other in passing from time to time, but tonight was the first time we’ve spoken in years.”
My brow furrowed when something dawned on me. “I don’t even know what the fuck she was doing there. Elysium is literally the least convenient bar for her to frequent, but Theo said she’s there at least once a week,” I mused more to myself than anything.
The cab fell silent for several minutes before Tessa spoke. “Do you go to Elysium often?”
I thought about her question before replying. “Sometimes. Theo and I were in the same unit, so I go from time to time to catch up with him, but it’s not a regular occurrence. Before tonight, I hadn’t been by in months.”
Tessa scoffed under breath.
“What?”
“I know exactly why she goes out of her way to patronize a bar that’s out of her way in a town where she has no friends,” Tessa said before she looked out her window.
I processed what she said, but still came up empty. Finding myself once again desperate to know what was going on inside her head, I asked, “Why would she do that?”
Tessa turned her body toward me, her expression slightly incredulous in the blue light from the radio. “ You , Finn,” she said. “She goes to a bar where she doesn’t have friends, in a town that hates her because you are there.”
I shook my head in denial, but Tessa refused to back down. “I’m telling you. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you guys talked, she wants you back. Did you not see the one-eighty her demeanor did as soon as you stepped in front of me?”
I thought about what Tessa said and replayed the encounter in my mind. While I still found it hard to believe Jess hung around Absolution on the off chance she would run into me, I resolved that on the off-chance Tessa’s theory was right and Jess decided to make her life difficult, I would ensure they were never alone.
I turned my head toward Tessa, my expression serious as I promised, “You won’t have to deal with Jess again. I’ll make sure of it.”
***
My palms began to sweat when I pulled up to the large brick building where the therapist worked. I tossed and turned every night since my conversation with Roman the week before. Given I didn’t sleep much anymore, it wasn’t that different from usual, but his words refused to leave me alone. He hit the nail on the head, and knew exactly what he was doing when he swung the metaphorical hammer.
In the end, I came to the same conclusion some part of me always knew I would. It was time to deal with the past.
I exited my truck and walked into the building. The brick facade of the exterior was entirely unassuming. You’d never guess people confessed their deepest secrets within these four walls by looking at it.
Entering the reception area, I scanned the soft blue walls with pictures of beach landscapes as jazz music played low in the background. Fake palm fronds stood in all four corners while overstuffed lounge chairs extended along the walls in between three separate doorways. The waiting room, while clearly attempting to be inviting, missed the mark for someone who didn’t want to be there…someone like me.
I chose a seat with a view of every entry point and settled against the faux leather chair. The clock ticked closer to the top of the hour, the sound reverberating in my head like a timer winding down on an explosive device.
Trying to distract myself, I wondered what Tessa was doing. I didn’t want to leave her alone at the house, but when I called Reagan and explained I had an appointment I couldn’t miss, she volunteered to come over and keep her company.
Logically, I knew Tessa would be fine without me. Her ex had no idea where she was, my place was out in the middle of nowhere, and the entire property was secured with the best security system money could buy. If someone showed up, I’d know before they breached the perimeter of my land. And technically it wasn’t the first time I left her alone. She didn’t know it, but she was by herself while I went for my morning swims. Despite knowing all of this, it did little to ease the worry that was now my constant companion since Tessa’s appearance in my life.
The door directly across from me opened, and a man around my father’s age stepped out. His salt and pepper hair was neatly combed, but it was the U.S. Army shirt that grabbed my attention. Although I was hungover at the time, I vaguely recalled Gunner mentioning the therapist was ex-military. He was trying to assure me this guy ‘got it’, but I wasn’t convinced anyone who didn’t go through what I did could ever truly understand the depths of the despair I wrestled with daily.
He stepped toward me, and I stood, reaching out my hand. “Finn Remington,” I said. “Nice to meet you.” There was nothing nice about why I was here, but the manners my mother drilled into my head over the last several decades won out.
He gave me a solid handshake, a smile spreading across his face. “Hi, Finn. I’m Michael. It’s nice to meet you as well.” He stepped to the side and gestured to the door. “Are you ready?” he asked.
Was I ready? Shit, what a loaded fucking question. “As ready as I’m ever going to be.” I exhaled and entered his office.
The room was simple yet comfortable. A large brown couch took up most of the far wall while two chairs and a desk filled the remainder of the small space.
I settled myself on the far side of the room and continued to look anywhere but at the man who expected me to share the darkest parts of my past with him.
After a few moments, Michael settled into the chair across from me, a notepad and pen in his hand. My muscles tensed while I ran through possibilities of what he would need those for.
Apparently noticing my change in demeanor, Michael looked down to where my stare landed.
“I typically take notes throughout my sessions with clients,” he explained. “It helps me remember specific elements so I can refer back to them later in our session, but if it makes you uncomfortable, we can just talk.” He bent his leg so his ankle rested on the other knee. “But before you make your decision, I would like to reassure you anything said between these walls does not leave here. That includes the contents of my notes. The only exception is if they’re subpoenaed by the courts for some reason,” he clarified.
I considered his words. Just being here made me uncomfortable, but no matter which way I looked at it, notes held little threat in the grand scheme of things. It’s not like there was anything the military could do to me at this point even if they did get their hands on them somehow.
“I’m fine with the notes,” I conceded, before turning my attention to the painting on the wall behind him.
Michael nodded and rested his hands in his lap. “In the interest of full disclosure, I did have my friend at the VA pull your file. I’ve done a lot of work with veterans through them over the years, and in exchange they allow me to access some basic service records to help with my counseling. In my experience, veterans aren’t overly excited to rehash their service in a setting like this, so I find it cuts out some of the small talk and allows us to get to the real issues a bit quicker,” he confessed.
I studied the man in front of me as he continued.
“Since I know a bit about you already, it only seems fair to share some of my history. I served in Vietnam and saw things that will stay with me for the rest of my life. After I came home from the war, I was a mess. I began self-medicating with alcohol to the point it almost cost me my marriage.” He paused, and it struck me how talking about this didn’t even phase him.
“After I sobered up, I went to college and realized there was a way to help people who were struggling with the same issues. Counseling didn’t have a lot of merit to most folks back then, but I got my master’s degree in psychology. I’ve been in private practice ever since, with a strong focus on helping veterans with PTSD.”
I swallowed hard when he mentioned the acronym every service member dreaded being labeled with.
“So, while I know I can never truly comprehend exactly what you went through during your time in the service, your last mission in particular, I will say I understand what it’s like to live with ghosts.”
Damn. He managed to address seventy percent of the fears I came in with in only eight sentences. Pressing back against the couch, I stared at the man who was supposed to help me tackle my demons and contemplated his admission. Ultimately deciding I wasn’t ready to show my cards just yet, I nodded in acknowledgment.
Michael shifted in his seat. “So, Finn. I am curious about one thing. What made you decide not to go through the VA for counseling?” he asked.
Without needing to think about the answer, I replied, “The VA is for people who really need it.”
“And you don’t think you need it?” he asked. His question wasn’t accusatory, only curious.
“I don’t know what I need,” I admitted while I pressed my back against the leather chair. “But I think I’m finally ready to figure it out.”
Michael nodded at my response. “And was there a particular catalyst that led you to this conclusion?”
Tessa’s face flooded my thoughts. Sure, without her I wouldn’t be sitting where I was, but she wasn’t the real reason I was in his office.
After I left the SEALs, my world turned dark. I survived one day at a time, and I was satisfied with living that way. But since Tessa showed up, I started to realize how empty my life was. I crawled out of one hellhole and right back into another, desperately hoping no one would ever find me. And emotionally, no one ever had. Not until Tessa literally crashed into my life.
As much as I tried to, I couldn’t deny that since she appeared in my life, I somehow felt better. Like the weights strapped to my legs were suddenly cut loose. I wasn’t convinced I could ever truly be happy again, but now that some of the load was lifted, it made me realize how exhausting carrying it truly was. It also made me curious about what life would be like if I were able to cut my demons loose entirely.
Deciding I wasn’t ready to share the truth with someone who was still a stranger, I decided to give him what I could.
“It was a couple of different reasons, I suppose,” I responded vaguely. “Some observations were recently brought to my attention that made me realize the extent of what I’ve been carrying around.”
Thankfully, Michael seemed to sense my reluctance and let it drop. “As I’m sure you’re aware, most of your service record is redacted. But I can imagine that, after a decade in the SEALs, you’ve seen and done things no civilian could ever understand. Why don’t you start by telling me what you’re comfortable with?”
We spent the rest of the session discussing mundane things about my time in the service. I didn’t offer anything of real substance, and thankfully he didn’t push. None of it was what we actually needed to talk about, but I wasn’t ready to trust him with my darkest secrets yet.
Despite my reticence to talk about anything of substance, I left his office feeling slightly less weighed down, as though sharing some of the burdens I carried with me lessened their hold.
Settling back into my truck, I pushed thoughts of my session away. During the drive back up the mountain, it dawned on me I was excited to get home. Refusing to acknowledge the one glaring reason that would account for the shift in my demeanor, I reminded myself one day soon she would leave, and the light she brought with her would disappear once again.