24. Chapter 24
Chapter 24
Tessa
T he next morning, I was wide awake and sitting on the edge of my bed when Finn’s soft knock rapped against the door.
Considering how little I actually slept, I was surprisingly alert. After tossing and turning for hours, I told myself to grow up and burrowed beneath the covers to focus on my breathing.
When my parents died, my social worker forced me to see a therapist. I was so filled with pain and anger at the time I refused to participate in the mandated sessions. However, my anxiety began to spiral out of control with each new home I moved to.
One day, my therapist asked if I’d ever heard of box breathing. She explained what it was and demonstrated the technique. Being the grieving teenager I was, I rolled my eyes at her and continued to stare at the floral painting on the wall for the remainder of the session.
Later that night, as I laid in my lumpy twin bed, the cheap sheets scraping against my skin, I felt the anxiety start to take hold. My heart raced, my breathing became shallow, and I could feel my skin breaking out in a light layer of perspiration. Experience taught me it was only a matter of time before I had a full-blown panic attack. They always struck at the most embarrassing times, and I was grateful at least this time I was alone in my bed with no one to witness my breakdown.
Everything around me went hazy when the therapists’ words came back to me. Knowing I would pass out if I didn’t get my breathing under control, I inhaled while I counted to four and held it for another four. I slowly released the air and repeated the process. Gradually, my heartbeat calmed, and my mind cleared.
I continued to box breathe that night until it eventually put me to sleep. To this day, whenever anxiety attempted to take over, I tried to focus on my breathing and allow it to calm me. Last night was no exception.
This morning, I woke before my alarm and reluctantly decided to get dressed, a mixture of excitement and dread filling me when I thought about what was to come. I pulled the bathing suit Reagan insisted I purchase from the dresser drawer and headed into the bathroom. I didn’t give the suit a good look when we were checking out, but as I stood in the warm light of the bathroom, my heart plummeted.
How the hell was I going to wear this in front of another human being?
After ripping off the tags, I slid what could only be described as scraps of fabric onto my body and stared at my reflection. I stood in front of the mirror, cataloguing each and every flaw reflected back at me.
The last time Finn saw this much of me, my body was covered in bruises of every color. I scanned my reflection. While the marks were gone, that meant every imperfection would be on full display. Despite my desire to experience the soothing tranquility of the cold water Finn described, there was no way I could stand in front of him like this.
Deciding I would come up with an excuse not to go in when the time came, I promptly covered the glorified underwear in several layers of clothing and planted myself on the bed.
When Finn knocked, I inhaled deeply and moved to the doorway. The door swung wide to reveal a fully dressed Finn grinning down at me. He looked like a little kid on Christmas morning.
Guilt sank in my gut at his excited expression. Hopefully he wouldn’t take it too hard when I told him I wasn’t swimming.
“Good morning,” he said, his usual morning rasp sending shivers down my spine. “You ready?”
I gave him a weak smile. His body shook with laughter as he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway.
It wasn’t until we made it outside that I realized Finn was holding my hand again…and that it didn’t bother me in the least. In fact, I found myself wishing the gloves preventing our skin from touching would disappear.
While it wasn’t the first time he touched me – hell, it wasn’t even the most intimate way he touched me – I was still generally uncomfortable with the idea of physical contact. But somehow, Finn was the exception to the rule.
Every time he touched me, I felt cherished and safe.
In hindsight, I knew I was experiencing desire for him. However, I did my best to suppress it, fully believing he would have made a move by now if he felt the same.
He continued to hold my hand as we made our trek back to the lake, helping me over logs and pushing tree branches out of the way.
Resolving to focus on something other than what would happen once we got to his oasis, I asked a question that continued to float around in the back of my mind since confessing my true reason for coming to Absolution over a month ago.
“Do you think you and I ever crossed paths while my parents and I were here on vacation?” I asked.
Finn’s curious gaze moved over my face before answering. “I don’t know,” he mused. “I feel like I’d remember if we had, but I suppose we would have been kids then, so who knows.”
We made the rest of the hike in silence, my mind conjuring images of what Finn looked like back then.
By the time we broke through the tree line, I all but forgot the reason we were out here in the first place.
As the lake came into view, I spiraled again and forced myself to focus on not passing out. God knew Finn saved me enough for one lifetime. The least I could do to repay his efforts was remain upright and conscious.
Just as it did the day before, my breath caught in my chest while I took in the scenery. The sun was beginning to illuminate the snow-covered mountain peaks in the distance. Pine trees surrounded the lake, their branches weighed down from the snow resting on their branches. While the landscape was stunning, the lake stopped me in my tracks. The snow-capped peaks, the trees, all of it was reflected off the surface in an identical replica of our surroundings.
When I finally pulled myself from my trance, Finn was staring at me. I flushed at his scrutiny and the intensity of his gaze.
“You feel it too, don’t you?” he murmured, his voice hushed as though speaking too loudly would break the connection.
Our eyes met, and my flush deepened. My pulse began to race, my eyes roaming across the planes of his face before ultimately nodding. He looked away from me and took in the perfection around us.
“This place,” he said, his voice still subdued. “I don’t know why it has this effect, but I have yet to find another place on the planet that gives me the same peace and serenity.” He glanced in my direction before returning to the lake. “I’ve never brought anyone else up here…I was too afraid they wouldn’t see it the same way and the spell would be broken. But you feel it too, don’t you?”
Oh. That’s what he was talking about. I mentally reprimanded myself. Of course he wasn’t talking about having feelings for you, Tessa. My face grew hotter, and I averted my gaze. Confident my cheeks resembled a tomato by now, I fought to get my reaction to him under control.
I focused on the landscape around me and willed my body to calm down. When I finally felt confident enough, I turned my face towards his. “Yeah, I feel it too,” I admitted. “It actually reminds me of the lake my parents and I used to camp near.”
Finn studied me for several moments before seeming to shake himself from his own trance. He strode over to the fallen tree he used as a bench the day before and began stripping down.
I stood frozen to the spot, mesmerized while he continued removing articles of clothing.
“Let’s go,” he hollered over his shoulder. “I promise the water isn’t getting any warmer.”
This was it. This was the moment when I needed to come up with an excuse. But as I stood and watched the way his muscles moved when his hand grasped the back of his shirt before pulling it over his head, my mind flatlined.
Goddamnit, even the way he undressed was sexy.
Despite my distinct command to look away, my gaze kept straying back to his shirtless torso. It had been over a month since I saw him shirtless that morning at breakfast, but it was no less impressive. Muscle packed on top of muscle rippled beneath skin decorated in tattoos that told a story I craved to learn one day.
I looked at the lake once more, remembering the way Finn talked about the peace he experienced in the cold water.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I could just go in long enough to say I did it and then haul ass back to shore and my dry clothing.
The sound of a metal zipper being undone dragged me from my pep talk. My mouth watered at the sight of Finn’s hands moving to his waist band, his thumbs hooking in the fabric before he pushed his pants down. I held my breath, waiting to see him in his boxer briefs again.
My lust cooled slightly when his jeans gave way to swim trunks. He was the first man I saw in real life who could be described as an Adonis, and I’d be lying if I said the promise of seeing him in his underwear again wasn’t part of the reason I agreed to this insanity in the first place.
Finn looked up and zeroed in on where my lower lip was currently caught between my teeth. Something sparked behind his eyes before he cleared his throat. He made a motion I assumed meant I was supposed to disrobe. Sensing my discomfort, he turned around and headed for the lake.
Splashing filled the cool morning air by the time I moved toward where Finn discarded his clothes.
Nausea churned in my belly. I could do this. Finn didn’t think of me like that, so it didn’t matter if he saw me in this practically nonexistent bathing suit. Besides, I was capable of anything I put my mind to. If I learned nothing else over the last six weeks, it was that I could do all kinds of things I never thought possible. Yep, I was going to do this. Nodding to myself like a bobblehead, I continued repeating that thought and began removing layers.
With only my bottom layer remaining, I inhaled deeply, pulled my shirt over my head, and pushed my long underwear down my legs. The cool air nipped at my exposed skin, my flesh contracting as it pebbled in the frosty morning air.
Jesus, if I was this cold already, what would it be like when I got in the water?
A moment of hesitation swept through me. What on earth was I doing? This was insane . Nobody went swimming outside in the middle of winter.
My thoughts started to get the better of me. Right when I decided to chicken out and reached for my clothing, Finn’s voice carried from the edge of the lake.
“You’ve got to the count of ten before I come back over there, pick you up, and throw you in myself.”
Knowing he meant every word, and that he was more than capable of carrying out the threat, I squared my shoulders and headed toward the lake.