12. Ava
Chapter 12
Ava
It isn’t as though I’m hiding her away from him, but I don’t want him in her life if it isn’t what he really wants. I don’t want her tears if he can’t be a father.
I can never tell him the truth—that would break him.
It broke me.
I can never allow that same hurt to get to Emmy.
He moves around to the other side of the boardroom table, reducing the physical barrier between us, and leans his arms back, setting his hands on the oak table behind him. His expression is still impossible to interpret. He doesn’t look mad, per se, not that he looks happy, either.
My gaze falls from him to the London skyline behind him.
“Just say it.”
I sigh, the realization there is nothing left between us. The love he had for me died that night, and everything since was his own revenge.
I focus my gaze back to him as he stands before me, and my heart sinks further into my chest. His shoulders rise and fall with deep breaths, like breathing is difficult for him. But all I feel is, I’m back to being the stupid twenty-year-old girl. Full of love, but so na?ve.
“Why didn’t you try to find me?”
Those aren’t the words I’m expecting to hear.
“I thought it was an immaculate conception,” I say. My tone is accusatory.
“I thought you were on the pill.”
Anger roars through me and before I have a chance to stop, I raise my hand and slap it across his cheek. “Regardless, that gave you no right. I’d been ill the week before.”
His hand coasts over his pink cheek. “I deserved that. I didn’t wear a condom on purpose,” he says, his voice a whisper, and he pinches his lips together with discomfort. “I’m sorry. We never used a condom for years and I was jealous of Noah.” Guilt coasts through him as he closes his eyes and rubs his hand over his head. “I hated you being with him, having sex with him.”
I pull a deep breath as tears burn my eyes. “I know you don’t believe me, but I never had sex with him.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but it closes just as quickly. I can see by the way he stares at the floor, he’s wondering if I’m telling the truth or saving my skin.
“Sorry,” he repeats. “I shouldn’t have been selfish.”
“Don’t be. She’s the best thing in my life. Your selfishness gave me more than you could have ever imagined.” I take a step closer, wanting him near and stare up at him. Shaking my head lightly. “I don’t regret what happened. My daughter, I mean. I know I should be angry with you, but I can’t be because she is my life.” I press my lips together and draw in a breath through my nose.
“And I want her in my life. You can’t keep her from me,” he says. “And I’m sorry, but I feel so fucking angry you kept her from me.”
All I can do is hold my ground as he looks down at the floor and laughs, shaking his head.
“I get why you’re upset,” I say.
Finn’s face twists and he hisses, “Upset? Do you think I’m upset? I’m fucking furious.”
“I understand.” My voice is as broken as I am inside. Broken seeing how shattered he is from my betrayal.
But it isn’t only me who betrayed him.
The tension in the room grows thick and stifling.
“Like before, you make decisions. You don’t talk to me, then you disappear from my life to hurt me, and Noah…”
I raise my hand, stopping his tirade. “You chose not to tell me your side of the story. You let me think you were involved in the sex tape and ignored me for weeks. You chose not to wear a condom, you don’t have any right to chastise me.”
“I hate you,” he whispers. There’s plenty of venom behind his tone do me to know he does. I’ve heard the words so many times from his mouth, but this is the first time I really feel them.
My ribcage squeezes my heart so hard it feels it will stop. I close my eyes and nod. “I know you do. You’ve told me plenty of times.” My voice is a hush as I force the truth out. “Just don’t turn your hatred for me onto Emmy. If you want to be part of her life, don’t bad mouth me in front of her.” I turn and walk to the door.
“What’s your mobile number?” I take out my mobile and press the digits into my phone, then compose a quick text to Finn and Stella, explaining Finn can go to the house to meet Emmy at five o’clock but not take her outside.
And a mental note to myself to call Stella with my full requirements.
Finn reads his message and looks at me. “You won’t be there.”
“No, I’ve got a sugar daddy date.” I lie. My knees buckle, the air slamming against the back of my throat, refusing to make its way into my lungs.
He’s crushed, his face full of hurt, and I resist the urge to hold him. Of course I’m crushed, too. Crushed that he hates me and that I lied to him. But as much as I’m the reason for his pain, I can’t forget he betrayed me that night, more than any other betrayal he had ever done to me.
And I know between the two wrongs, we will never recover.
“You need to leave. I’ll text the address later,” I say. I push the door open and step outside and close it, holding the handle as I take some breaths.
I should be thankful … relieved … my secret is finally out. That he knows. I know it’s the right thing for him to know about our daughter, but I know I can’t see him anymore, not while my heart is feeling so fragile. But somehow, the thought of not seeing him again makes my heart ache more than it ever has.
I walk with steady steps to my office and once inside; I close the door, leaning my back against it, letting my shoulders rise and fall with silent sobs.