Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Romy
After my mom calmed me down and promised to keep my secret until I can actually have a conversation with Zander, I went back home and holed myself up in my room. I can’t focus on work. I want to know where his head is at and what he’s thinking, but I know he needs space.
Calm down, brain.
My mind is going a mile a minute with what-ifs until a knock sounds on the front door. Poppy and Scarlett are still at work, so I doubt they’re expecting anyone.
I walk down the stairs and yank the door open.
It’s him. Zander’s standing on my porch.
“Hi.” My hand grips the doorknob a little tighter.
His hands are in his pockets, and he stares right into my eyes. “I hope I’m not overstepping. I mean, it wasn’t hard to figure out… someone told me where you lived.”
“My mom?”
He chuckles, but it’s strained. “Yeah, she’s—well, I was on my way to find you, and she just happened to be in the lobby and told me where she thought you’d be.”
“Oh. Well… thanks.” I shake my head. “I don’t know why I’m thanking you. Why am I thanking you?”
A low laugh escapes him. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to come in? Or we could go for a walk?”
He peers around my shoulder, peeking inside—I think to see if anyone’s here.
“I’m alone,” I say quickly to put him at ease. I’ve already caused enough turmoil to his anxiety level today.
“Thanks. A walk, maybe?” He nods toward the porch.
“Sure. Let me just grab my sweater.”
I leave him on my porch and grab my sweater off the kitchen chair. When I come back, he isn’t looking into my house, trying to peer into my life out of curiosity or anything. He’s turned, looking out.
“There’s a path around the lake we could take.” I slide my arms into my sweater and shut the door behind me.
I don’t lock it, and a grin spreads across his mouth.
“So—your office. You don’t usually lock it?” he asks as we walk down the steps and fall into pace alongside one other.
“No.” I laugh.
“What was in the drawer, an ultrasound picture?”
“No! God, no—I haven’t… I haven’t done that yet.
” Would he be appalled or relieved if he thought I’d been to the doctor without him, that he didn’t have to participate?
I’m not even sure. “I’ve only taken the pregnancy test. And I know it’s so stupid.
Why keep that for sentimental reasons? Especially since it’s not like we were trying or anything.
Now I’m rambling and I don’t even know how you feel about the pregnancy.
Just so you know, when I saw the results, you know, I wasn’t, like, jumping-over-the-moon ecstatic. I was scared, and I didn’t… I mean—”
“My god, Romy, let me—” He takes my hand and squeezes before letting it drop.
“Breathe. Just breathe. It’s okay. I get it.
Of course you’d want to keep it. I mean, it’s a memory.
I can imagine wanting to keep something tangible that you can look at that can take you back to exactly what you were thinking and feeling in that moment. I would never think that was foolish.”
I draw fresh air into my lungs as we keep walking. “Thanks.”
We start on the path that goes around the lake that will pass by my cousins’, the Noughton brothers, houses.
Each one lives in a house they built, complete with kids and forevers.
This path will eventually wind around toward the Owens’ part of the land, including my lot that’s available for me to build on whenever I’m able.
“So… what do you want to—how do you feel?” I approach the subject, not knowing how to phrase the question. He’s had, what? An hour, maybe, to digest the news. I assume he’s talked to Beau.
“I’m still reeling a little bit if I’m honest.” He scrubs a hand down his face.
“I understand. Me too, even after knowing for a while.” I don’t want him to get the wrong impression. “It’s not that I don’t want to—”
“I know,” he says. “I mean, I’m not upset.”
I shrug and shake my head. “You’re welcome to your feelings. They’re your feelings, and you don’t have to explain them to me or worry about hurting mine.”
“You’ve always been so easy to talk to.” He lets out a long breath. “Seems kinda weird… you seem like somebody I would go to for advice about this kind of thing, but you’re in it with me, facing the same thing. I mean, I’m sure you don’t want my baby.”
My mouth falls open, and I stare at him like I did that first time backstage when I was in shock that he had sought me out and pulled me backstage.
“No, no,” he says quickly. “I mean, why would you want to sign up for all that comes with me? I mean, god—we went up on that hill, and there was a photographer. People are going to want pictures of our baby, and others are going to pay money for those pictures. They’re gonna be out for blood when they find out you’re pregnant.
And that’s not going to make it easy whether or not you’re involved with me.
I mean, you won’t—” He shakes his head. “I mean, you won’t be with me, obviously.
Obviously, we’re not a couple. You know, we’re going to be parents—co-parents. ”
I don’t say anything.
“But it doesn’t matter what we are—they’re gonna spin it.
They’re going to say nasty shit. They’re gonna be mean and print blatant lies about you and our baby and what I mean to you and what you mean to me.
And I’m just… I’m just really sorry, Romy.
I should’ve used a condom. I should’ve—I just should have protected you better. ”
“Oh my god, Zander, stop.” I put my hand on his forearm and bring us to a halt. His corded muscles flex under my palm.
I remember this exact grip on his arm as his fingers were plunging in and out of me. I push that memory aside. Now isn’t the time for my hormones to go crazy.
“Like you said, this was both of us. I was right there in that moment with you, just like you told me earlier. So please… it’s okay. We’re here now.”
“Yeah.” He looks down and shakes his head. “I guess you’re right. But still, I feel like I should apologize for all the future problems you’re gonna run into because of who I am.”
I put my hand on my stomach and allow myself to think about the baby growing.
About how large my stomach will get, and that I’m going to grow a piece of him inside me.
“You know, I don’t hate the idea of it that much.
I know you’re probably thinking I’m crazy.
And it’s not because I’m a romantic or because I believe in destiny or think that this is some sign for us.
I don’t think that. Like you said, we can be co-parents, right?
We can do this. And I know you’re going to be on the road, and I’m totally willing to make arrangements.
I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t hate the idea that I’m pregnant.
And it’s not because I have some fantasy that I’m going to swindle you into staying with me, or that I think you would even want a future with a wife and a kid.
I get it. But I think I already love him or her.
Even though I haven’t heard the heartbeat or seen the ultrasound pictures, I want to protect them. ”
He stares at my hand on my stomach but doesn’t move. Not that I’m expecting him to just put his hand over mine. I’ve made a complete fool of myself, rambling on.
I open my mouth to tell him to forget what I said when he breaks the distance, and his hand covers mine. His calloused fingertips run over my fingers, weaving our hands together.
“I feel the same way,” he says. “I have a zillion worries rolling through my head, but… I’m scared—really, really scared. I’m so scared I’m gonna fuck this up, Romy. Jesus, how many times did I say scared?”
We both laugh, but he continues. “I hate to put that on you. You don’t deserve to bear the weight of my issues. But I feel the same way. I’m not terribly upset that you’re pregnant for some reason, and I want to protect our baby too.”
My eyes tear up. I don’t know what this means for us, or where we’ll go from here. But I know one thing for sure—I have a partner in this. He’s going to stay with me, and he’s going to protect this little one as much as I will. And that’s good enough for me.