20. Things Were Always Bound To Change
20
THINGS WERE ALWAYS BOUND TO CHANGE
KYLIE
“So, you’re going to move to Canada, huh?”
These are Will’s first words to me at 4:30 on Sunday morning when I climb into his ute, our surfboards loaded in the back.
“Apparently,” I reply, yawning.
“You hadn’t even thought about it, had you?” He knows me too well.
“Nope. Hadn’t even considered it. But everyone was being weird, and the words just popped out.” The follow-up questions to my little word vomit last night had flowed at lightning speed.
Tara had looked stunned, and the conversation in the car on the drive home was a little stilted. I know I need to talk to her about it today, because I dropped a bomb for both of us on a night when she was already pretty stressed. Will had pulled Tara aside before he left, but I’m not sure how it went, because Tara said nothing to me about it on the way home, and had gone to bed early.
The others all thought it was a great idea, though, and it had broken through the weirdness for the rest of dinner .
“So you’re not going to go?” Will asks.
“I actually think I will. Now that I’ve said it out loud, it kind of seems like a great idea. You should come with me, at least for a holiday.”
“I could maybe swing a week or two, but not until like December. When do you think you’ll go?”
“Maybe in a few months… I need to discuss things with Tara first,” I reply, trying not to think about how that conversation might go.
We spend the rest of the drive to Noosa discussing the logistics of it all, and by the time I’m pulling on my wetsuit, the excitement is hard to shake. I know I need to try not to get ahead of myself, but this is what I do. Once I decide to do something, it consumes me.
The freezing water serves as a wake up call to slow my racing thoughts down a little though.
Surfing has always been my happy place. It helps calm my mind, and I straddle my board while I wait for my first wave of the morning. There’s only a few of us out here, and it’s just so peaceful. The sun has just started to appear over the horizon, and a thrill runs down my spine when I see a pod of dolphins break the surface only a few metres from where I’m floating.
This was the feeling that I’d tried to explain to Seth when we were talking about the sense of peace that washes over me when I’m on the water. Sure, there are dangers to this, like sharks or injuring myself when catching a wave, but what is a life without risk?
I watch Will begin paddling, lining up with a wave about to break. Once he’s moving, he pops up and rides the wave in towards the shore. I love that we have this shared passion, and that he still has something he can throw himself into after the crappy year he’s had. I’m still uncertain if telling him Annalisa’s whereabouts was a wise decision, but what’s he going to do? Fly to London and roam the streets shouting her name? Maybe knowing where she is will finally give him the closure to know she isn’t just going to walk back into his life while she’s on the other side of the world.
Then again, the guy that I’m lusting over is just as far away, and that hasn’t stopped me from thinking about him constantly.
I don’t allow my thoughts to wander to Seth, keeping myself from daydreaming about someone I can’t be with. Instead, I turn my focus to the waves, swinging my legs back behind me so that I’m lying on my belly. Spying the perfect wave, I paddle to get ahead of it, and once it breaks, I jump up, balancing with ease after over two decades of practice.
No matter how many times I do this, it never gets old. I reach my hand out to touch the water beside me as the wave fades out, the beauty of it threatening to overwhelm me. Sometimes, I find my emotions getting the better of me out here, and once I’ve ridden the wave to its end, I dunk my face in the water to wash away the tears that had started to flow.
After another hour, Will and I head back to shore, and I notice the cold that I’d been ignoring. Stripping out of my wetsuit, I dry myself off hastily before yanking on my tracksuit pants and hoodie over my bikini, shoving my feet back into my Ugg boots. We grab coffees from our favourite cafe and head back to Brisbane.
After Will drops me off, I enter our apartment and am surprised to find Bri sitting on the couch with Tara.
“Hey, I thought you were heading home today?” I ask, throwing myself into the arm chair facing the couch.
“Yeah, we’re leaving in a couple of hours, but I thought I’d come hang out with you ladies before I go back. I’ve missed you both.”
Tara hasn’t spoken since I walked in the door, and there’s something about the look on her face that has me worried.
“What’s going on?” I ask .
Tara exchanges a look with Bri before turning back to me. “So… this whole moving to Canada thing?”
“Yeah… sorry about how I dumped that on you, by the way. That was really shitty, my mouth just opened, and the words fell out,” I say, assuming that’s why she looks upset.
“It’s okay. I actually think it’s a good idea.”
I hadn’t been expecting that. “Okay… so what’s wrong, then?”
She takes a deep breath. “I’ve been feeling weird about everything for a while now. Obviously, we were fine on our trip, but with all the stuff with Annelisa and Will, I’ve been feeling the strain of being caught in the middle of it all. I’d been thinking about getting my own place for a little while, but I didn’t want to say anything to you, because you’re still my best friend and I don’t want it to be a thing for us…” Her voice trails off.
I blink a few times, trying to work out what’s happening here. “Wait, have I been making you feel bad?”
“I know that you don’t mean to, but yeah, a little. You’re justifiably angry with Annelisa for how much she hurt Will, and you’ve been mad at Will for making things uncomfortable for me. I haven’t wanted to say anything to you about it, because I know your heart is in the right place, but I’ve just wanted to step away from it all. It’s kind of why I haven’t really talked to you about it, because you just get angry at the pair of them.”
Bri has been watching the exchange with a sad expression, and I can tell that they’ve discussed this between themselves.
I try not to feel hurt, but I can feel tears start to form, and I blink again, frustrated with my body for reacting like this when it’s not about me. Well, it is about me. I’m a really shit friend, apparently.
“I’m so sorry, T. I had no idea I’ve been making you feel so bad. You should have told me to shut up.”
“I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. But last night when you said you were moving to Canada, I was taken by surprise. Then, when I realised I felt relieved, I knew we needed to talk. I have loved living with you, and I really loved travelling with you, but I think this bit of distance will be good for us. Our lease is up in like two months, and Bri mentioned to me this morning that I could move into the apartment if I didn’t want to find a new housemate cause they aren’t able to come back much now… It feels like it’s all happening at the right time for both of us.” She picks at a thread on the cushion she’s clutching to her chest, and I can tell she’s having a hard time looking at me.
“I don’t really know what to say… I just… Are we okay?”
“Oh hon, of course we are.” She finally looks at me, and I can see tears shining in her eyes. “We’ve been friends for so long and lived together for six years. You’ll never be able to shake me even if you tried. But I think it’s time I took a step back from group gatherings and stop putting you in situations where you have to choose. From everyone having to choose.”
“What the hell did Will say to you last night?” I ask, realising I hadn’t asked my brother about it this morning.
“It was fine. He apologised for being a dick, but I know things will never be how they were before. As much as we are a part of the group, without my sister connecting me to them, I know I’m not as close to the others as I am to you two.” She gestures towards Bri and me. “You guys are still connected to them all in a way that I’m not now.”
I fight against the overwhelming urge to get on a plane, fly to London, and strangle Annelisa.
“I just wish things could go back to the way they were…” I say, and Tara gives me a sad smile.
“I know you do. But things were always bound to change, eventually.”
“I guess…”
And that’s how we decided that in two months’ time, I’ll be moving to Canada and Tara will move into Jake and Bri’s apartment on her own. The three of us end up a crying mess together on the couch, but at least Tara has finally been honest with me.
I guess it’s time I had a chat with my grandparents.