Chasing Never (The Lost Girl #4)

Chapter 1

I want to take the words back as soon as they’ve escaped my mouth.

If Nolan and I have children, you can have our firstborn son.

The offer is a stain on my lips, but instead of red paint, making me prettier, more desirable, it’s clotted and black, falling like crust off of my chapped lips, marking me forever for who I truly am.

Before I can take it back, before I can retreat from my own words, the Sister’s hand snakes out in a whirl of tendrils. She grasps mine, and in an inky moment, my hand is shrouded in shadows.

“It’s a bargain, Wendy Darling,” she says, and by the time she retracts her hand, it’s too late.

My stomach stings with guilt. Despair. But also hope. Hope that I’ll see Nolan again. Not that he’ll want anything to do with me once he realizes what I’ve done.

I expect to find the mark of a bargain on my hand, but there’s nothing left behind but smooth, pale skin.

“Very well,” says the Sister, sounding bored.

I wait for her to command me not to tell anyone about the bargain, but that stipulation doesn’t come.

Of course it doesn’t. The bargain has already been struck, and it’s eerily in my favor.

She hadn’t even made me retract the “if,” meaning I won’t be compelled to have children with Astor.

I’m not na?ve enough to allow that realization to latch onto any semblance of optimism.

“Goodbye, Wendy Darling. I’ll be seeing you—sooner rather than later, I do hope.”

A chill that has nothing to do with the evening breeze of the garden slithers through my body, and then the Sister is gone.

Gone.

Panic stirs up within me as I realize I didn’t specify when she’d give me Nolan back. She could keep him for days, weeks, and I’d have no recourse.

I find myself pacing around the garden, panicking as the hedges loom over me, judging me for my indiscretions. My lack of maternal instinct.

When I turn back to face the Whittakers’ manor, I remember that Lady Whittaker paces its halls. I wonder what she—the woman who spends the remainder of her years atoning for her husband’s sins by caring for the helpless—would say if she knew I’d just bargained away my child.

But no.

I won’t be having any children.

I won’t turn into a monster.

A moment later, there’s a whoosh, then a crack. I spin around, my heart in my lungs, only to find the one sight I won’t ever take my eyes off again.

Nolan.

My Mate stands before me, shock and confusion in his eyes, the Sister’s hand on his shoulder.

For a moment, I sense her smile under her shadows, and I worry it’s a trick.

That she’s twisted my words somehow, but then she simply leans over to Nolan and whispers quite loudly, “Goodbye, darling. Until we meet again.”

And then she’s gone.

“Nolan, I’m so sorry.” The apology flees my mouth before I can stop it.

“Wendy,” says Nolan.

And then he’s running toward me, and his arms are wrapped around me, one hand protectively gripping between my shoulder blades, his hook resting behind it, careful not to cut me.

He squeezes me so tightly I can hardly breathe, but I can’t find it within me to mind. With what little breath I have, I memorize his scent—pipe tobacco and teakwood. I press my cheek against his chest and count each thrum of his heart.

Because once he realizes what I’ve done, there will be no more embraces like this.

Indeed, after too short a time, Nolan pulls away, hand and hook on my shoulders. His green eyes are wide as he stares at me, examines me for any sign of harm. While relief had overtaken his face just moments ago, it’s been quickly replaced by dread.

“Darling, what did you trade away?”

I open my mouth to tell him, wait for the restraints to clamp around my throat, but they don’t come. This isn’t like Peter’s bargain. I’m not compelled to choose the Sister. She didn’t even command that I keep our bargain to myself.

So when the words fail me, it’s my cowardice that’s to blame.

I stare at the ground. Make circles in the dirt with my foot, willing the words to come out, but over and over again, I find myself choking on them.

Calloused fingers find my chin as Nolan lifts my gaze to meet his. “Darling, you need to tell me.”

I nod, swallow once more, and find the strength to force the words out. “I told the Sister that…that if she’d return you to me, that if we ever had children, she could have our firstborn son.”

Nolan’s fingers tense at my chin, but it’s the only movement he makes. The only sign he’s heard me. I expect to witness shock in his expression. Instead, he bores into me with his eyes, waiting for me to finish.

“I’m so sorry, Nolan. I just… I couldn’t lose you. Couldn’t let her abuse you, trap you. Keep you caged. But you don’t have to be with me. You’re free to go, make a life with someone else. I was specific. It had to be our firstborn son. If you had a child with another woman, it wouldn’t apply.”

“I’m not having a child with another woman,” says Nolan, his voice thick as wet sand.

I don’t know what that means, what to make of that, so I try to glance away. Nolan’s hand guides me back. “Tell me exactly what you said to the Sister.”

I nod because he deserves to know. “If Nolan and I have children, you can have our firstborn son.”

Nolan’s brow creases. “She didn’t have you amend it?”

I shake my head. “No. I expected her to. Didn’t think she’d let me get away with the ‘if,’ but I guess she didn’t want to give me a chance to change my mind, because she took the bargain immediately.”

“Mm,” says Nolan.

“I know,” I say. “It makes me uneasy, too. Seems too good to be true.”

Nolan shakes his head. “I’d think she’d have made you agree to lie to me, to tell me false conditions, except why let you tell me at all? She could have come up with any lie for you to feed me. Besides, she mentioned looking forward to meeting our son.”

My stomach sinks. “I don’t know.”

He blinks, his gaze clearing somewhat. “So you’re not compelled then? There’s no time limit on your bargain, and it was conditional on if we have children together?”

“Yes.” When he says nothing, I continue.

“I never intended to go through with it. You have to understand that. I don’t even think…

Nolan, I don’t even think I can have children.

Peter never let me have any sort of prevention in Neverland, but it never happened anyway.

Oh, not that I would dare assume you’d even want that with me.

I guess that’s how the bargain sounds, presumptuous.

But I just had to get you out of there.”

“Of course I would have wanted to have children with you, Darling.”

I startle, glancing up at Nolan, and find that my chin is warbling. “I know… I know in a different life…”

“Darling,” says Nolan, exhaling firmly on my name. “I want you. Regardless of what life we’re in. Do you understand that?”

My heart ticks in my chest. “How could you?”

“Whatever could you possibly mean?”

I gesture toward the space where the Sister once loomed. “I just gave away my firstborn son. What kind of woman would do that?”

Nolan shakes his head. “No, you made a bargain you knew you wouldn’t have to fulfill. It’s different, Darling. You’re not going to have to give up your firstborn son.”

Your firstborn son. I don’t like where this is headed.

“Nolan, don’t give me that nonsense about you ruining my life and me needing to find another man to have children with and grow old with. I won’t do it.”

Nolan rears back, and for a moment I think it’s in offense, but then he lets out a breathy laugh. “I’m fond of this Wendy. The one who stands up for herself.”

Tears sting at my eyes as my heart revels in his compliment.

“I’m afraid I’m too selfish to let you wander off with some other man.

Of course I wanted to have children with you.

But if you’re worried about disappointing me, I gave up that dream years ago, after Iaso died.

There were moments, with you, when I must admit, I let myself hope.

Let myself imagine, just for a moment. But I’ve never been so much of a fool to expect that for us.

Honestly, I can’t quite believe that I’m standing here with you.

Being with you, if you’ll still have me, of course, is more than I ever thought was possible already.

If that’s all I’m ever compensated for a life that frankly doesn’t deserve this much, who am I to complain? ”

Tears roll down my cheeks. “You’re not angry with me?”

Nolan lets out a sigh. “Angry with you? For what? I was to spend the rest of my life enslaved by that awful creature. I…you gave me my freedom back, and you cast away your own future to manage it.”

I can’t decide which I feel more: relief at his lack of anger toward me, or sadness that he perceives what I’ve done as casting away my future.

Though I’m far from done with the answers I need from this conversation, Nolan looks around the garden as if for the first time. “Where are the rest?”

Of course. Nolan was taken away by the Sister before he saw the conclusion to the Nomad’s, Tink’s, and Peter’s involvement.

“The Nomad took Tink. But before he did, he let her at Peter.”

Nolan tenses, and I can’t imagine the warring emotions that must be inside him for the childhood friend who grew up to murder Nolan’s wife.

“She didn’t kill him. But the Nomad had Charlie craft a pocket watch made of adamant. He used it to trap Peter’s shadows inside, but his wings were still flesh. So Tink… Well, she cut one of them off.”

Nolan blanches. “Just one?”

I nod, and Nolan whistles. I gesture with my head over to the center of the garden, where the maiming occurred and Peter had subsequently passed out. But when I look, Peter isn’t there. “That’s strange. I didn’t hear him leave.”

Nolan and I survey the garden, but besides us, it’s empty. Nolan grimaces. “I’m not fond of not knowing his location.”

I’m not either, but there’s nothing to be done about it now.

“The others?” Nolan asks.

“The Nomad left with Tink. I think there was more to their connection than what he first told me. He called her Wanderer?”

Nolan shakes his head. “That name doesn’t sound familiar to me.”

“Before he left with Tink, I asked him to summon the Sister. You’re caught up to that point.”

Nolan nods, and just then, there’s a rustling in the bushes. Nolan jumps in front of me, my heart pounding as I await an attack from Peter, returned to exact his vengeance. But it’s only Maddox who appears, looking out of breath. “Captain—the Nomad, the Gathers—they’re gone. He’s left us.”

“Well, then, sounds like he won’t be requiring my services anymore,” says Nolan.

“So what’s next?” asks Maddox.

“Did he at least leave me my ship?” asks Nolan.

Maddox grins.

Before we leave the Whittakers’ mansion, I wander back through the garden and through the glass doors into the house. The home itself is so massive, so empty-feeling. Though I know better than that. Hidden within its confines, growth and learning are teeming.

She must hear our footsteps, because Lady Whittaker appears in the vestibule from the other side of a door.

“Will you be taking your brother with you?” she asks, always to the point.

I bite my lip and glance at Nolan, who insisted he come with me to retrieve Michael. “I know he’s happy here. And learning here. And that I can’t give him what you’re providing for him…”

Lady Whittaker raises a wrinkled palm. “But you’re his family.

There’s no need to have to explain that to me.

If the other children had family to take care of them, I’d have nothing to do, and I’d be all the happier for it.

Besides, it’s clear to me that Michael was raised in a family who loved him dearly. Understood him, too.”

Not for the first time tonight, tears well in my eyes.

Lady Whittaker disappears, then returns minutes later, Michael holding her hand.

As soon as he sees me, he slips out of her grip, his footsteps tapping against the marble floor as he runs for me and grabs my little finger. “Wendy Darling wants to play,” he says, matter-of-factly.

And just like that, I burst into tears. Michael is such a loving child, but I realize now that I’d been worried that after almost a year of separation, he wouldn’t remember me. Or worse, he’d be angry with me, thinking I abandoned him, and have no way to express it.

Tears stream down my face, falling on Michael’s forehead. He quickly wipes them away with the back of his sleeve.

“Don’t cry, Michael,” he says, “Mommy’s here.”

“They’re happy tears, buddy,” I say, stroking his hand before I fall to my knees and wrap him in a hug. He wriggles in my arms, but he doesn’t attempt an escape.

When I’m done weeping into my brother’s shoulder, I stand up and gesture between Nolan and Michael. “Nolan, Michael. I don’t believe the two of you have met. Well, unless you count…”

Nolan holds his palm up. “Let’s not count,” he says, grimacing as we both remember the night he had one of his pirates grab Michael and take him from my parents’ ballroom.

At the time, I’d assumed they were kidnapping him, but now I recognize that Nolan hadn’t wanted Michael to witness our parents’ slaughter.

Nolan kneels in front of my brother, who appears more entranced with his hook than anything. Michael reaches out and runs his fingers over the shiny glass, humming softly to himself. Nolan’s cheeks contort strangely as he says, “I’m Nolan.”

Michael continues humming and stroking his hook.

“He’s not one for small talk,” I explain.

Nolan glances up at me nervously, then stands, turning to Lady Whittaker. “Thank you for your help,” he says.

She stares at him for a long moment. “Did you have anything to do with the fact that one of my best workers has been taken from my home?”

Nolan flushes.

“Not nearly as much as I did,” I say.

Lady Whittaker humphs. “If she hadn’t gone willingly, don’t think the two of you would be getting out of this manor alive.”

She must see my guilt-stricken face, because her stance softens. “Just remember what a good friend you had in her. That’s all I can ask, I suppose.”

I nod, once again grabbing my brother’s hand, thinking of how Tink protected him when I couldn’t. Guilt pangs at my chest for letting the Nomad get away with her.

He never hurt me, at least.

I just hope the same holds true for Tink.