Chapter 26
W hen I make it back to our rooms, I’m shocked to find Nolan packing a satchel full of clothes.
“You’re leaving?” I ask.
My heart might crack, but it cannot bring itself to feel surprise. There’s a part of me, deep down, that always knew this would happen. Our happiness has always been too good to be true.
Nolan is facing away from me, and it appears as if it takes great mental fortitude for him to pivot in my direction. Even now that he’s looking at me, his boots are pointed to the side, his body ready to shift away.
“Only for a few days,” he says. “I just need to take some time to process this by myself.”
“Where will you go?” I ask, panic welling inside of me.
“I told the crew to port in Narioma. It’s the nearest town,” he says.
“And what are you going to do in said town?” I say, indignant.
“Nothing,” he says. “There’s a mountain path. One that I can hike for a few days, just to clear my head. Three days,” he says. “I won’t be gone a second longer.”
“But you’re still leaving,” I say. “Because you can’t stand to be around me.”
Nolan grimaces, looking pained.
“I understand that you’re angry with me,” I say, the words coming out rushed. “But please. You can’t. You can’t just leave.”
“I’m not leaving,” he says sternly. “I will be back. Three days. That’s all I’m asking of you. Surely you can grant me that.”
“But you could stay,” I say. “I know you’re upset, but… if you just give me some time to fix it?—”
Nolan’s shoulders sink. “There is no fixing it, Darling.”
When I let out a little sob, he sighs.
“I don’t mean us. I mean my future. I just need time. Time to process. Time… to mourn.”
“But you could do that here,” I say again.
“You’re not listening to me. You didn’t listen to me,” he snaps, his lone hand fisted.
A moment later, he uncurls his fingers, placing his forehead in his hand.
“I didn’t mean to raise my voice with you,” he says, though his voice is strained.
It’s as if it’s taking every ounce of his self-control not to scream at me.
I might just wilt into the corner of our room.
“You didn’t listen to me,” he whispers. “I asked—I begged you to stay with me. To just let me pass on in peace. Darling, I had everything I wanted. I’d gotten to marry you.
I’d gotten to spar with you on deck. I saw to it that you were free—that was all I ever wanted.
That was why I gave myself over to the Sister to begin with.
“But I didn’t just get your freedom. I got everything. You made sure of that. I was able to spend the last few weeks of my life happy knowing you would be taken care of. I was content. And when I asked you to stay with me, you didn’t listen. You went against my wishes.”
“I couldn’t let you die,” I say.
“No. You couldn’t,” he says. “But I would have rather died. Don’t you understand?”
I do.
My heart sinks. All the anger I ever felt at my parents for placing me in the arms of the men in the parlor, just for the hope that they could keep me longer, slithers out of me, then, with a turn of its head, flicks its forked tongue back in my direction.
“I didn’t know this would happen,” I say. Tears stream down my cheeks. “I didn’t know the tapestry would rewrite itself.”
“I know that,” he says. “I know you didn’t mean to. And you and I—we will get past this. But for once, I need you to listen to me when I tell you what I need.”
“And you need me to leave you alone,” I say, my voice a stone cracking under the force of a hammer.
“I need some time to gather myself,” he says. “And yes. I do that best alone. But I will be back. I promise you that.”
He takes his satchel and heads for the door, but then he stops, turning back around. When he nears me, I can’t help but hope that he’s decided to stay. But then he presses a stale kiss on my forehead before turning and leaving.
When the door shuts behind him, I find that I’ve never felt so alone.
When there’s a knock on the door an hour later, I’ve already drenched the bed in tears.
I open it, expecting it to be Charlie. Instead, Maddox stands there, his bulky form taking up almost the entire doorway.
“Need some company?” he asks. He’s holding a plate of desserts in his hands.
I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself, embarrassed now at the tears and snot streaming from my face. With nothing else to wipe them on, I wipe them on the back of my hand.
Maddox pulls out a handkerchief and hands it to me.
“A more sanitary alternative,” he says, and I let out a strained chuckle.
He leaves the door open as he walks in and plants himself on the edge of the bed, patting the seat next to him.
I go and sit down, my limbs weighty. He hands me the plate of desserts, but I set it next to me, unable to think about eating at the moment.
“Did he tell you, then?” I ask. “Why he’s leaving?”
Maddox nods, hands interlocked, elbows on his knees as he leans forward and looks sidelong at me.
“Was I wrong in asking him to stay?” I ask. “Was that selfish of me?”
Maddox stares at the open door, pondering my question.
When he doesn’t answer, I say, “I can’t even blame him.
I don’t know how he’ll ever forgive me. I didn’t mean to, of course, but he’s right—I didn’t listen to him.
And now his fate is so much worse than what it could have been.
” Again, I think of my parents. “This is horrible of me, but even knowing that it’s my fault…
I still can’t help but be angry with him for leaving.
That’s not what husbands are supposed to do, is it? Leave?”
Maddox rubs the back of his head.
“How much has Nolan told you about his childhood?” he asks.
“He told me what happened to his father,” I say. “He told me how he didn’t know how to cope with that pain as a child. That he started to lash out at his siblings. That was how the warden convinced his mother to conscript him to the orphanage.”
“Nolan has quite a lot of anger buried deep inside of him,” says Maddox. “He’s able to get it out most of the time. Sparring helps. Especially with me, since I don’t mind a bruise or two,” he says, looking down at his arms and chuckling.
“He’s come a long way since he and I first met.
He was such a hothead when he and Iaso first got married.
You see, he has this fear,” says Maddox, wringing his hands together as he leans forward, “of lashing out against those that he loves. Like he did to his siblings when he was a child. Like he did to his mother. He’s afraid he’ll lose control. ”
“I don’t believe that,” I say. “I don’t believe that Nolan would ever hurt me.”
“No. I don’t believe that either,” says Maddox. “But the pain and the fear run deep.”
“I can see how that would be the case, especially if your mother sent you away as a child,” I say, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“When we first met, he and Iaso had only just gotten married,” says Maddox. “She was fiery, that one. As you can imagine, they would quarrel, and often. Nolan would get so upset, so angry, that he would just leave.”
“Like he did just now?”
“No. No, not like that,” says Maddox. “He would leave without telling any of us. We would have no idea when he would return. It could be a few hours, it could be weeks of us waiting at the port. I can’t tell you how many times I found Iaso crying, wondering if he was coming back or if he’d finally left forever.
“Then one day… she stopped crying. He returned after an especially long time away. I think it was several weeks, and she squared up her shoulders, strode up to him as he came onto deck, and told him he wasn’t to leave like that anymore.
“The whole crew went silent listening to her. She was so calm about it, but so firm, too. She said she knew why he was doing it—why he was leaving. He was afraid that if he stayed, he would hurt her. I don’t know if he was afraid of the words he would say or that he would lash out physically.
But I know it came from a place of wanting to protect her.
“But knowing his leaving came from a good place wasn’t enough for Iaso.
She told him he wasn’t to leave anymore.
Not like that, at least. If he needed time, needed space, he’d have to tell her he was leaving, exactly where he was going, and how long he intended to be away.
She made him promise her he would be back by a certain time.
“She told him that she would not accept him being gone longer than three days. She said that was all she could bear. And that the next time he left, he had better be back at their agreed-upon time. Because to Iaso, his leaving didn’t feel like him trying to clear his head, trying to calm himself. It felt like he was punishing her.
“Nolan hadn’t realized the pain he had caused, of course.
I don’t think he would have done it had he known.
But that was their agreement from that point onward, and it worked for them—their system.
Nolan could leave and clear his head. And Iaso would know that it was only because he needed that time to calm down.
And she would know exactly when to expect his return. ”
“I didn’t know that was the system,” I say, heart a little numb.
“Well, you and Nolan are going to have to develop your own systems,” says Maddox. “But I thought it might help to know that what he’s doing, he’s doing to protect you. And he’s doing it the best way he knows how.”
“He will come back?” I ask.
Maddox smiles at me, somewhat sadly. “Of course he’ll come back.”