Chapter 64
WENDY
I t’s nighttime on the ship, and I’m leaning with my elbows propped on the railing. Usually, I would stare off toward the distance, maybe glance at the stars and chart their path. Tonight, my gaze is transfixed on my palms—or rather, what I am holding between them.
In my hands is the adamant pocket watch, slick and cold to the touch. Moonlight reflects off of its casing, highlighting its curves. I flip it over in my palm—heavy, but not nearly enough to betray the power it contains.
Below, frothing waves lap against the ship, hungry, as the sea so often is.
“What are you thinking, Darling?”
I don’t have to turn around. Don’t have to look to know it’s my husband.
He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me in.
It’s his hooked hand, the one he used to not touch me with often.
But I’ve found that, whenever possible, his hand is occupied.
Our child, John, is pressed to his chest, sleeping soundly as he often does after Nolan sings him a lullaby, his voice low and somber.
I never heard him sing until John was in his arms, and now he often puts me to sleep too.
I love watching them together. The way John’s face lights up at the sight of Nolan, at any hint that his father has walked into the room. The way Nolan, so gruff and hard and stubborn in so many ways, has become so gentle, so careful, so willing to be molded.
Nolan must have just now retrieved John from Malia.
My relationship with the Seer isn’t exactly warm, but after rescuing her and her child from the Sister’s lair, she offered to serve as our wet nurse, at least until we could find another one.
It’s not the ideal situation. I still can’t bear to be in the room and watch her nurse the child she ripped away from me, but, for John’s sake, I won’t refuse her help.
“Darling,” Nolan says again. “Twenty seconds this time. Should I be concerned?”
I snap my neck up, realizing I never answered his question.
He smiles at me teasingly. He’s gotten to the point where he often counts the seconds between when he asks a question and how long it takes me to respond.
“I was just thinking how much I’m enjoying watching you be a father,” I say, pushing the discomfort I feel toward Malia from my mind.
“But that’s not what you were thinking when I walked up,” he says knowingly.
“No.” I avert my attention back to my hands and the pocket watch they hold.
“This is the third night in a row I’ve found you out here holding that. And quite close to the edge, I might add.”
I frown, scrunching my nose. “I don’t know if I want it,” I half-whisper.
“It’s part of you,” says Nolan. “Part of your history. What makes you you. ”
I think back to the curse of the library. I’d dreaded it when the apothecary had told me I was cursed to live out the story of the book I stole. Little had I known at the time I already had.
I suppose now I know why Mount Serba transported me into the Youngest Sister’s cottage.
Something about the mountain’s magic knowing me must have been the reason my wounds were healed as well.
I’ve wondered if my identity explains why I could hear the voices on the mountain that night, but since Victor could hear them too, perhaps it has more to do with our ability to see wraiths.
“Not to mention,” Nolan says, reeling me back into our conversation, “there’s great power?—”
“Inside that watch, inside the shadows, I know.” I sigh. “I suppose that’s why I haven’t thrown it over the edge yet.”
I pause, but Nolan can see where I’m going.
“If you give it up, you think you’ll no longer be able to speak to the wraiths,” he says.
“It’s possible I still would,” I say. “When he was alive, John could see them. And I’m pretty sure Michael can too. I think part of the ability has to do with there being fae in our blood, somewhere down the line.”
“Even if that’s the case, I’ve never heard of wraiths being able to follow mortals away from the spot where they were originally made.”
“No,” I say. “That power seems unique to me.” Unique to being a Fate, is what I don’t say. “If I wanted to see him again… if I wanted to see John…”
I halt my words as my son glances up at me, hearing his name on my lips. I smile at him, and he grins back.
“If I no longer had this power, I’d have to go back to Neverland.
Where his wraith was created,” I say. “And that’s not the only way it’s different.
Most can only see wraiths clearly when they’re in a state of great distress or sadness.
I used to think that the reason I could see them all the time was because I always seemed to be trapped in that state.
But again, now I’m wondering if that was just my power.
As one of them.” I haven’t been able to say it out loud. Sister. Fate. Neither seems right.
“What do you think John would have you do?” says Nolan.
“I think John would say that he died. And that his wraith is not truly him. I think he would say—” I pause and laugh softly to myself. “I think he would say that he always told me not to talk to the shadows, and why would I think he’d feel any differently now?”
“That sounds like him, from what you’ve told me,” says Nolan. “But that’s not all that’s keeping you from throwing that thing overboard, And I get the sense that’s not all that makes you want to throw it overboard either.”
“What are you saying? That this isn’t about the wraiths?
” I laugh. “Because you couldn’t possibly be saying that it’s about the fact that within this pocket watch contains…
well, me . Or what I used to be. Her , ” I say, turning it over in my palm.
“I’m me, when it’s closed. When we’re separate, I know the difference as distinctly as if she’s another person.
But when I was her, well, you remember.”
“Yes, I must admit that was rather stressful ,” says Nolan. “It must be terrifying, knowing that there’s another part of you locked away.”
“Existing—it’s always felt so overwhelming to me.
Too much to bear. But I’ve only known twenty-three years.
I only spent a few minutes as her. But what little I tasted?
Nolan, there are eons of memories. Eons of years she’s accumulated.
Countless burdens to bear. And not just my own, but those of so many people, so many mortals who she couldn’t save.
Who I couldn’t save. And then there’s the question of… ”
I bite my lip, and Nolan looks at me expectantly.
When I don’t answer, he says, “May I venture to guess?”
I nod.
“There’s the question of, if you have that much power, what is your responsibility to do with it?”
I nod again.
“I don’t want anything to do with those tapestries,” I say. “Yet it was what I was created for. Every time I think about having to alter someone else’s life, I just think of all the ways I would mess it up. Is it selfish of me? Not to want to take on the burden of every mortal in the world?”
I pause for my husband to answer, but he must think I have more to say, because he holds his peace and allows me to continue.
“I have enough for the four of us—for you, and John, and Michael. And on my better days, I think I have enough for Charlie and Maddox too. And if I don’t have enough, I can figure out a way to get it.
But the weight of so many lives, it seems too heavy to carry.
“Although,” I continue, “it didn’t when I was her.
In the vision I had. There’s a part of me that knows if I took these shadows on, if I took on her form, I wouldn’t be so afraid.
That I would be bolder. That life would be something I was used to.
Isn’t that strange? To fear being a bolder version of myself? ”
Nolan watches me carefully. “You know I will love you, whichever path you choose. And that you are not going to get rid of me that easily. Besides, from what you told of the Youngest Sister’s cottage, it sounds fairly pleasant.
And by the way you described the bed—it seemed quite small.
Which I don’t think I would mind so much. ”
I elbow him in the ribs, and he gasps out a laugh.
“I would miss your eyes,” he says, suddenly serious. “The features of your face. But I figure I’d grow accustomed if that was what you wanted. If that was what you needed to feel whole. But Darling, I don’t know why you think you have to decide today. Or right now. Or in a year. Or in five.”
“It seems like too big of a decision to put off,” I say.
“It seems like too big of a decision to rush,” says Nolan. “What if there was another option? A third you hadn’t considered?”
I work on the inside of my cheek, flipping the pocket watch over in my hand. “I fear that if I take this, I will be immortal. And I don’t want to be immortal, not without you. Not without John. Not without Michael.”
“This responsibility—it tugs at you, doesn’t it?” he asks.
I nod.
“What if you just… decided later?” he asks.
I stare at the pocket watch, thinking.
“I had considered that,” I say. “Living out my life with you. Watching John and Michael grow up. Being mortal. Like she—like I—always wanted, apparently. And then, when I’m old, and alone, and have lived as much as this mortal life has to offer…
Well, I suppose I can decide then, can’t I? ” I ask Nolan.
My husband smiles.