Chapter 51
FIFTY-ONE
Ruin
It takes a special kind of restraint to pace things down and hit pause on lust. Especially when the love of your life is tugging at your shirt, pulling you down by your collar, and whimpering into your mouth about how she wants more of you.
I, Theodore Altman, don’t have this mythical ability.
After single-handedly ramping up our appetite—the other kind—Charlotte insisted I spend the night again.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t already been planning that. But even the imaginary Charlotte in my subconscious didn’t sound that breathy or sultry when suggesting it.
I’m still scrambling, hands fumbling as I try to slow this down—somehow. I have no idea how we went from entering her apartment to practically mauling each other on her couch in a matter of seconds.
But my brain snaps on high alert when Charlotte freezes the second my hand pulls at the hem of her top.
Her entire body locks. The hands that were frantically roaming my chest come to a dead stop.
I rest my hand on the back of her neck, squeezing it gently. Trying to ground her.
My head drops to her forehead as she pants, breath uneven, eyes glazed over with something I never want to see again.
Christ. It’s terror.
“Baby?” My voice is barely audible. Thick fear clogs my throat because I don’t understand how she went from lustfully clawing at me to this frozen, shaken version of herself.
“Just…” she whispers, blinking too fast. “Just give me a second.”
I can see her grasping for control. My chest clenches when she dives in again.
The kiss is different this time. Rigid. Her lips are stiff against mine, but still demanding. Like she’s desperately trying to outrun whatever just caught up to her.
I gently pull back, cupping her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. “Baby, you need to tell me what’s wrong. Please.”
She lets out a shuddered breath. Her hands going slack as they rest on my lap. My chest aches seeing her like this—like she’s losing a fight I can’t even see.
“Please, my love,” I whisper, voice rough.
There’s a part of me that already knows. That it’s me. I haven’t suddenly become her dream when I’ve been her walking nightmare for this long.
My heart sinks before she even says a word. Words I’m dreading, but desperately need to hear.
“It’s just that…” She swallows hard. “I c-can’t get naked without… without…”
Realization dawns on me, followed by a violent heat of shame.
“Without thinking of that night,” I finish for her, voice dull.
My hands drop from her face. Body growing numb with each passing breath. She looks up at me with so much pain and understanding that if I weren’t already sitting, I’d fucking collapse to the floor.
I stare at my hands with such visceral rage that my vision blurs.
Soft hands suddenly clasp mine, squeezing hard enough that I manage to lift my head. I can’t face her, the woman I wronged so mercilessly—but I force myself to.
She has a sad, wobbly smile curving her lips.
“How—” My voice breaks. “I can’t believe I did that to you. How are you even here? With me?”
“These…” she begins with a whisper, fingers brushing my wrist, “are not the same hands that hurt me, Theo.”
‘These aren’t the same hands anymore, Charlotte. I won’t let them be.’
I remember the words I spoke that day. But they seem so uselessly weak now. Insufficient.
My eyes fall shut, breath shallow. Then I feel warm hands cupping my face and I helplessly lean into them.
I hear her voice, closer now. Like she’s a hair’s breadth away, but still too damn far. “And this is not the same man either, right?”
Opening my eyes, I sigh, resting my forehead on hers again. Our noses brush against each other.
I can’t believe she’s comforting me. There’s no reality in which I deserve so much empathy from her. But she’s giving it anyway—willingly.
So I fall again. Deeper.
“Christ, I lo—” I snap my mouth shut, recalling my promise from last night. Then I swerve slightly. “You’re too good to me, Charlotte.”
She snorts softly, sobering just as quickly. “I’ll say something super clichéd, okay? Bear with me—and don’t interrupt.”
I frown, nodding against her head. My arms instinctively wrap around her waist.
I don’t know what she’s going to say, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let her voice it without my full support.
“It’s not you,” she says, biting back a soft smile. “It’s me.”
My face instantly drops to a blank look. There’s no way I believe that.
“No, no, just… listen,” she insists. “When that happened, I knew—knew—that I was wrong. I mean, eventually I realized how wrong. It was stupid of me to be naked in your room when—”
I open my mouth, but it’s snapped shut by her fingers slapping over my lips.
“—when you’d given me zero indication of your interest.”
I sigh through my nose.
“And then,” she continues. “Well, that happened. I was already dreading being completely—uh—nude in front of someone, you know? And now I just… I keep wondering if a hand will start strangling me or… if I’ll be made into a spectacle in front of dozens of people.”
I groan, eyes squeezing shut.
“So I… I couldn’t necessarily get naked in front of anyone, Theo. Anyone.”
My heart sinks at what this means. At how utterly I failed her. How the mistakes that morphed into a hazy memory for me cost her her dignity. Her safety. Her peace.
Fuck. I’m probably the last person she needs around her, but somehow this angel is still clutching my shirt with one hand. The other drawing slow circles on my palm.
Wait.
Anyone. Did she just say anyone? Does that mean—
My eyes widen dramatically.
“You haven’t—” My voice cracks. “You… have you not—fuck—wait. Are you a…”
“Virgin?” She smirks softly. “Yes, Theo. I’m a virgin.”
All the air leaves my lungs in a deep exhale. I lean back, eyes darting between her sincere yet amused ones. “You… you’re—”
“What?” She tilts her head.
I’m pretty sure she enjoys the sputtering mess I become around her.
I huff out a sigh.
“I know it looked like I was sleeping around,” she says, shrugging casually. “Especially considering the company I was keeping.”
Shaking my head, I wordlessly plead with her to stop talking. The shame engulfing me is only half the battle I’m fighting right now.
“Oh, wait,” she gasps. “Did you think I was—what—saving myself for you?”
Jesus.
“No, I just…” I blow out a controlled breath. “I didn’t expect that—give me a second.” I clear my throat, trying not to wither under her gaze.
She looks damn well pleased with herself. Having successfully stunned me speechless again.
“I really wasn’t,” she purrs, shifting closer—her hand sliding further up my thigh.
Fuck me.
“I’ve been trying to get rid of it for two years. In fact, I was actively trying to do that… just now.”
I break into a coughing fit, stupidly choking on my own saliva.
She starts to rub my back, patting softly. But the thing is, she can’t do that without fully hopping on my lap. And now this woman is straddling me, grinding against my hard cock. All while I’m gasping for air—holding on for dear life.
Once I’ve pulled myself together, I drop my head on her shoulder. My arms are holding her close in a firm yet gentle embrace.
She chuckles. “You okay? Shall we continue?”
I nod, looking up at her beautiful face. “I’m okay. But… Charlotte, I think we should wait until—”
Lips.
On.
Mine.
I don’t even get to take a full breath before she’s crushing me beneath the scorching heat of her lips.
“Baby,” I whisper between breaths. “We should… I don’t want to… God! Fuck me—”
“Yes,” she breathes into my mouth, the word slipping out like a plea. “I’m trying to.”
Fuck.
My hands slide beneath her top, palms skimming over soft, velvety skin that makes my head spin.
Meanwhile, she’s already halfway through unbuttoning my shirt, fingers impatient, desperate.
I force myself to slow down. Carefully, I lift the hem of her blouse again—just a little this time. Enough to give her space. Time. An out.
And just like I thought, she hesitates. Not as sharply as before. Not completely. But enough for me to know this isn’t right. Not like this. Not the way she’s trying to push through it.
And I won’t let her do that. I won’t have her forcing herself past something—past me—just to get through this moment.
I don’t want hesitation. I don’t want her to compromise.
I want her open, willing. Writhing with pleasure. Completely lost in it—so utterly consumed that nothing else even has the chance to exist.
Without missing a beat, I lift us both off the couch. Her legs wrap around me as I walk us to her bedroom—all without breaking the kiss.
Setting her down near the edge of her bed, I step back from her. I can’t help but smile when her hands don’t immediately unfurl from gripping my shirt.
God, her lustful gaze is still locked on me. Gleaming with need.
There’s a small frown forming, but I wipe it away with a wink. The intensity in her eyes alone has my knees nearly buckling, but I hold on.
I need to do this right.
Then slowly—almost leisurely—I pull the collar of my shirt from my back. Stripping myself bare.
A soft sigh slips past her swollen lips as she stares at my naked torso. Eyes dizzying with so much desire that it takes physical effort on my part not to grab her and pull her trembling body against mine.
She’s watching the twirling patterns of the ink on my chest—muscles twisting and stretching as I toss the shirt aside.
The tattoos are slightly hidden under a thick, dark smattering of my trimmed hair.
I smirk at the significant, visible reaction from her as she bites her lips. “Not so hairless now, huh, my love?” I rumble, my voice shaking with restraint.
“You—” She snaps her mouth shut, eyes nearly popping out of her head when she notices my next move.
Because in a blink, I’ve already unbuckled my belt, my thumbs hooked at my waist, already sliding my jeans down.
Naked.
I need to be fully naked for this to work. To help her gain back the control from that night. So I remove my boxers too, right along my jeans.
Her eyes drop, staring at my dripping cock.
For a moment, I’m scared I’ve gone too far. But then I look at her more carefully. And it’s not fear that I see. It’s curiosity. Even hunger.
“Theo,” she whimpers.
Christ. Just hearing my name on her lips is enough to push me dangerously close to the edge.
I don’t give myself another second to think. Before she can even process it, I begin to sink to the floor. My hands move behind my back, locking there. Deliberate and controlled.
Then both my knees finally hit the floor in front of her.
Right at her feet.