Chapter 8
Europe is crazy when you really start looking into it. It’s all different countries and all different languages. Tommy Griffin thinks the whole thing is completely unnecessary. Just pick a language, guys. Preferably English.
And the money? I mean, sure there’s plenty of it, but one day it’s euros, and then you go to Britain and they have, like, British money or something, and so then you’ll be in Dublin and you’d think it was British money there, right?
But no, they don’t like that one bit and they point a gun at you and tell you to get out of their country if you think they’re anything to do with Britain.
It’d be like trying to sell a million dollars of Viagra in Wisconsin and someone says, ‘Oh, it ain’t dollars here, bud, it’s blingblongs’, or something.
That wouldn’t work, right? And yet that’s Europe for you. And it’s a whole continent, this place!
Listen up, Europe, you want some free advice from Tommy Griffin? Pick a language and pick a currency. Then we can really do business.
Tommy’s plane has just landed back at Palm Springs, but, for the moment, he can’t get up.
The trip has been successful, that’s for sure. Lot of deaths in the medication business in the last few years, and that’s good news for Tommy. Leaves a vacuum. Europeans might have screwy languages and currencies, but they sell cheap Viagra, and that’s all Tommy needs.
‘Sir,’ says the steward, ‘we’ve landed. I’d be happy to escort you to the terminal.’
Tommy waves him away. ‘I’m staying put.’
‘Certainly, sir,’ says the steward. ‘Absolutely understood.’
Going to Europe is a risk, of course. Strictly speaking, Tommy Griffin has agreed to stick to North America, but if Tommy finds a cheap, reliable source of Viagra in a corrugated cowshed in County Cork, then why wouldn’t he use it? It’s just economics.
Now the co-pilot approaches Tommy. ‘Is everything all right, Mr Griffin? Can I assist you with anything?’
‘You sure can,’ says Tommy, with a smile. ‘You can assist me with shutting the hell up and sitting back into your airplane driver’s seat until I’m ready to leave.’
‘Of course,’ says the co-pilot. He’s practically bowing, this guy. ‘We’ll be in the cockpit whenever you’re ready to disembark.’
‘Disembark.’ Can you believe that? Just say ‘when you’re ready to get off the plane’.
These pilot guys think they’re something else.
Like it’s hard to fly a plane? The wings are doing the work, not these idiots.
He would actually like to get off the plane, but it’s impossible for now.
He wonders how long he’s going to have to wait.
The real problem with Europe is, of course, Jakob Eriksson. But they got on okay in Vegas? Eriksson won’t mind if he buys a few blue pills from a new Irish supplier, will he? They can find a way through that.
One thing’s for sure. Eriksson will know that Griffin’s been in Europe. Eriksson knows everyone, and everything.
Oh great, now the captain’s come out to deal with him.
‘We trust you had an excellent flight, sir?’ says the captain guy. He’s got his little hat on and everything, like he’s the plane Pope, rather than just some jerk who went to pilot school.
‘Excellent?’ says Tommy. ‘How would it be excellent? You kept quiet and you didn’t crash the plane. You want a Nobel Peace Prize?’
‘I do need to disembark the crew,’ says the captain.
‘Disembark’ again. The brass balls on these guys.
Tommy speaks slowly now. Sometimes you have to speak slowly to other people.
‘I will get off the plane – not “disembark” – when I’m good and ready. I ain’t ready, and I tell you now, Captain Hat, I sure ain’t good neither.’
Tommy has already made his mind up, he’s going to do business with the Irish. He kinda has to now, surely? Given his current situation?
Eriksson will have to get used to it. There’s Vern Blackwood in Europe too, but Blackwood is a joke. He does all the baby stuff. He’s the little kid you bully. Won’t take much to keep him at arm’s length.
But, yeah, these Irish pills are going to sell.
Whenever Tommy Griffin gets a new batch of blue pills, he always takes one. It’s just quality control. Every now and again he’ll take one that has no effect, and Tommy will send a guy to Spokane with a gun and get a new batch for free.
The captain has lowered the steps at the front of the plane and is talking to a short blonde woman. She is looking over towards him and nodding. Tommy doesn’t care. He’s not going to stand up any time soon.
The blonde woman is walking towards him.
‘Sir, my name is Ruth Kirkland, I’m with US Customs and Border Protection. I have to ask you to get off the plane.’
Finally, someone who doesn’t say ‘disembark’. Was that really so difficult?
‘I just need a moment,’ says Tommy.
The Irish guy gave him a batch of their blue pills and Tommy swallowed one before they took off.
‘If I may be frank,’ says Ruth Kirkland, ‘I couldn’t care less what you need, and US Customs and Border Protection couldn’t care less what you need. Either I escort you from the plane right now, or I plant some heroin in your hand luggage. Let’s go, cowboy.’
Fair play to the Irish. Not only do their pills work, but they seem to have come up with the most powerful Viagra Tommy has ever consumed. It’s been nine hours since he took that pill and it’s still going strong.
‘I do need to explain something,’ says Tommy. ‘Before I stand up.’
Ruth Kirkland shakes her head. ‘If I don’t see you on your feet in three seconds, then you can do your explaining to a judge.’
‘As you wish,’ says Tommy.
He stands up. With some difficulty. All eyes are drawn to him, then all eyes move downwards. Tommy gives an apologetic shrug.
Ruth Kirkland assesses the situation. ‘Make this man a coffee, I’ll be back in half an hour.’
Tommy sits back down. These European pills are either going to make him a lot of money, or they’re going to get him killed.
That’s a gamble he’s taken many times before, and one he’s very happy to take again.