42. Miles
MILES
A week has passed since Jenna ripped out my heart and stomped on it.
After I gave her the flowers, my world came crashing down.
I never knew what I was missing until I met Jenna, and now I have to go back to a life without her.
The only problem is, I can’t. I can’t get out of bed.
I haven’t gone surfing or talked to my friends.
I’m a mess, and I don’t see the point in picking myself up.
On Monday morning, the week before Thanksgiving, there is a loud knocking on my front door. I’m sprawled on my couch, alternating between sleeping and staring at the ceiling. Pete barks, and the knocking gets progressively louder.
“Miles, let us in.” My brother’s voice bellows from the other side.
“Go away,” I moan. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine!” My mother’s shrill voice through the door startles me.
I scowl and roll off the couch. “You brought Mom?” I growl, stalking to the door.
I swing it open. Nate and Mom stand on the other side, worried expressions on their faces. Rightfully so, I guess, considering I haven’t been to work all week. I just don’t see the point anymore.
“Someone had to get you up and out of the house,” Nate mutters, shaking his head. “Miles, buddy, you gotta do something.”
“I’m fine,” I assure them, turning and walking back inside.
I plop back on the sofa and my mom sits down next to me. She pats my knee. “Miles, honey, you’re not fine.”
“I just needed a little time off,” I tell them begrudgingly.
Nate sniffs the air. “Does time off mean not showering, taking the trash out, or washing dishes?” His face contorts—nose wrinkling, like he’s trying not to gag—as he looks around my disordered condo.
“I’m just tired.” I rake my hands through my hair. “You two interrupted my nap.”
“This is an intervention.” Nate raises his eyebrows. “You are going to get up, get your ass in the shower, and get to work.”
“Make me,” I scoff, folding my arms across my chest indignantly.
Nate looks to Mom for help.
“Miles, we’re just worried about you,” she starts slowly. “You’re reminding me of how you were when Erin left. That wasn’t good then, and it’s not good now.” My mother’s eyes tear up, and something tugs at me deep in my chest. I can’t handle seeing her cry.
Nate shakes his head, “No, it’s worse. Erin was your wife , Miles. Jenna is just a girl you met a few months ago. Pick yourself up and move on.” He sits in the armchair adjacent to me, resting his elbows on his knees and eyeing me cautiously.
“She’s not just some girl,” I rasp, batting at my eyes that unexpectedly sting.
“No, of course she isn’t, Miles,” Mom soothes, rubbing a hand up my back with a sniffle. “But you can’t stay in here like this. You will never get her back hiding in your condo.”
“I will never get her back, period,” I growl.
I didn’t lose hope right away. After Jenna left me on the sidewalk, I ran into my condo and made her a playlist. I waited a day or two before I sent it to her, but when I did, she asked me to please give her some space.
That’s when the last of my hope dissipated.
I have never been asked for space before.
“Come on, get up,” Nate demands, trekking down the hallway. A moment later, the shower turns on.
I roll my eyes, glancing at my mom as if to say, Can you believe this guy?
“You should go take a shower, Miles. You’ll feel better. You can’t live like this forever.” She pats my shoulder. “In the meantime, I’m going to clean up your kitchen.” She stands and walks around the half wall into my small kitchen. “Oh my God, Miles, this is disgusting.”
I turn around to find her grimacing, repulsed by the state of the sink.
Nate reappears a moment later. “Come on, the water is hot. Don’t make me throw you in there.” He holds his hand out to pull me up, then follows me down the hallway.
“Dude.” I turn around sharply. “Chill.”
“I’m just making sure you get in.” Nate stifles a laugh.
“I’m going.” I hold up my hands in surrender.
I close the door before he can say another word.
I stare at my ashen expression in the mirror.
You can’t live like this forever. My mother’s voice penetrates my numb exterior.
As much as I hate to admit it, Mom and Nate are right.
I don’t want to, but I’ve got to pick myself up.
One look at my haggard appearance in the mirror, and I know it’s time.
Jenna won’t take me back looking like this.
I strip down and step into the steam, my skin tingling as the warm water cascades over my tense limbs.
The hot water is deeply comforting, soothing my tense back muscles, filling me with surprising relief.
I close my eyes, letting the water fall over my face, rinsing away regret and offering a brief solace.
It’s been seven days of barely moving from the couch, stuck in a haze of guilt, self-pity, and take-out containers, each day blurring into the next.
The silence of my phone is deafening, the last message from her reminding me that she doesn’t want to see me.
It’s probably better if Nate handles things from here on out, echoing in my head like a song on repeat.
But as I lather and wash, my thoughts untangle.
I’ve been so damn stupid, I’ve been wallowing in this.
..in losing her...but she’s still in Cape May. And I’m not done yet.
Renewed hope and motivation twist in my chest, the fog of despair dissipating. I suck in a deep breath, steam filling my lungs. Maybe I can pull myself together enough to get Jenna to talk to me. Who knew I only needed a shower to sharpen my resolve, to fuel my will to get her back.
“This isn’t over yet,” I say to myself, turning off the shower. I towel off and reach for my phone. We haven’t spoken in over a week, I don’t even know if she’ll respond, but I have to let her know I’m not giving up. I pull up our text thread and take a steady breath.
Me:
Jenna, I know I messed up. But I’ll do whatever it takes to fight for us.
I hit send and emerge from the bathroom more clearheaded and optimistic than I’ve been in days.
After I shower, Mom and Nate sit on the couch, waiting for me. They have tidied up and look relieved that I’ve put on clean clothes. Just gray sweatpants and a black thermal, but I don’t smell awful anymore. I sit on the other side of the sectional, my lips slightly upturned to a smirk.
“Do you feel better, baby?” Mom asks, cocking her head at me.
I inhale and offer her a reassuring, albeit grim, smile. “I do, actually. Thank you.” I gesture to the kitchen and living area. Nate has taken out the trash and recycling, and now the place smells vaguely of lemon. “And thank you for cleaning up.”
“That’s what we’re here for,” Nate says, scratching the back of his head. “But you need to get your ass back in the office next week.” He raises his eyebrows at me. “Enough of this self-pity.”
“Yeah, okay.” I nod my head in agreement. “I’ll be there,” I promise.
“Speaking of next week…” My mother looks back and forth between us.
“It’s Thanksgiving!” She grins. She loves Thanksgiving more than Halloween.
She spends days prepping and invites her sister, brother, and their families over.
It always ends up being over twenty people.
Caden loves it—more kids to play with. I usually love it, too, seeing family that we don’t see often.
This year though, my heart’s not in it, and it won’t be unless Jenna forgives me.
“We know, Ma,” Nate says. “We’ll be there.”
“Who else is coming?” I ask, forcing myself to sound cheerful.
My mom rattles off a list of names; it’s everyone that I expected. “And we’re starting early—two o’clock for appetizers and five thirty for dinner.”
“That…seems really long,” I mutter, glancing at Nate. He shrugs.
“Just promise you’ll show up looking like yourself, Miles,” Mom begs.
I stifle a self-deprecating laugh. “Okay, Mom. I’ll do my best.”
“We should go, Mom. Mission accomplished.” Nate looks my way. “I’m glad you’re up and around, bro.”
“Thanks,” I say, standing to clap him on the back. “I needed that.”
“You did,” Nate agrees. “But you’d have done the same for me.” He wraps me in a brotherly hug, clapping the back of my shoulder. “Now, go get her.”
Around four o’clock, I venture to The Ugly Mug, knowing my buddies will be there for Monday happy hour.
I haven’t met them here in some time. Aside from last week’s wallowing, I spent every waking minute with Jenna.
I haven’t even opened our group chat or filled them in on what’s been happening, but today, I could use their support.
These guys have been my friends since we were ten. They know I’m a good guy. I could stand to be around people who know me well. But also, I could really use their advice.
I park in the back alley and head inside, bracing for their inevitable jokes.
I swing the door open, and a gust of wind pushes me inside.
It’s quiet because it’s November. Even though the town is getting ready for the upcoming holidays, there isn’t a lot of street traffic on Monday afternoon.
Still, without fail, I find my buddies in our regular corner, talking to Melanie and nursing their beers.
“Holy shit, he lives!” Jack bellows, spotting me first.
I fight back a grin, knowing there is probably more where that came from.
“Look who decided to grace us with his presence,” Danny smirks, sipping his beer.
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I hold up my hands in defense, pulling out a bar stool next to Liam.
“I thought you were a figment of my imagination.” He elbows me with a laugh.
“She let you out of your cave, eh?” Jack asks, raising his eyebrows.
It’s now or never.
“Uh, no.” I raise my hand to flag Melanie over. “Jenna and I actually broke up. Last week.” I let my news hang in the air as Melanie comes over with my usual.
“Whoa, who died?” she asks, frowning at the four of us.
I clear my throat. “No one died. I just told the guys that Jenna and I broke up.” My voice comes out hoarse and I cough away the emotion.
“Oh man, I’m sorry,” Jack says sympathetically. “If I’d have known that I wouldn’t have made that joke.”
I shrug, scooting my stool in and taking a sip of my beer. “It’s okay. I fucked up,” I say, pushing my lips together and shaking my head.
“What could you have done?” Melanie asks, frowning. “She seemed to really like you.”
Danny stays quiet—I’m sure he’s seen Jenna and doesn’t want to comment. I eye him, wondering what he knows.
I sigh. “I kept a secret from her for a few weeks and she found out about it before I could tell her.”
“Oh no, Miles,” Melanie whines. “I’m sorry.” She pats my hand from across the bar.
“Really?” Danny asks, looking surprised with a lift of his brow.
“What do you mean, really?” I scowl. “Do you know something I don’t?”
He scratches his chin and shrugs. “No, it’s just, the day I saw Jenna, she was really upset…but not about a secret.” He pauses, running his hand up the back of his neck.
“What?” I raise my voice, standing. “You have to tell me.”
“Easy, boy,” Liam says, chuckling, tugging me back into my seat.
I sit back down and take another sip of beer.
“I was at her house last Saturday working. She came by...” He hesitates. “She was really upset about Erin. I assumed that's why you broke up.”
“Hold on. Erin? The fuck?” Jack shouts. “Mel, I’m gonna need another beer for this.”
I groan and pick up my own, draining it in one gulp. The alcohol takes the edge off, and a fuzzy warmth envelops me. “Settle in, boys,” I tell them. “It’s a long story.”
I fill my friends in on everything—from the realization of Jenna’s dad being my savior, to introducing her to my family and falling completely in love with her.
They all look so happy for me—until I crush the moment, retelling how Erin knocked on my door and ruined everything.
“If Erin had never shown up, I would have come clean to Jenna that morning,” I mutter, tangling my fingers in my messy hair.
“So, let me get this straight,” Liam, who has been quietly listening up until now, finally speaks. “You told each other you were in love, woke up the next morning to Erin showing up, before you could come clean about her dad?”
I nod. “Yep, you nailed it.” I smack my lips together. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
Liam furrows his brow and pushes his lips together. “But you’re in love. That doesn’t just go away . I don’t think you’re fucked per say, but you need a big gesture. Don’t you remember? That’s how I got Sophie.”
“What kind of big gesture? Buy her something?” I glance between my friends.
Jack shakes his head. “No, dude. It’s gotta be bigger than that. Even I know that.”
We’re all lost in thought until Danny snaps his fingers, breaking our silence. “What about something for her dad?”
“I don’t know,” I shake my head. “What would I do for her dad? He died so long ago.”
Everyone is quiet again, lost in thought. I’m thinking about the day at the beach and how many times we surfed there together, when a lifetime ago, her dad saved my life. That’s when it dawns on me, but I’ll need help. I clap my hands. “I’ve got it.” I stand up, throwing some cash on the bar.
“What?” everyone asks at the same time.
“I will explain later, right now, I have to go.” I run out of the bar and straight to my parents’ house. The only one who can help me with this is Councilman Corbin…my dad.