5. Gemma
5
Gemma
Magnolia Creek, Texas
I close the car door and breathe a sigh of relief as I start the car. My feet have been screaming all day. But at least being so busy at work keeps my mind from wandering.
I have done my best to forget about all the people Oliva and I searched up for my genealogy project. There is no need to entertain the ridiculous fantasy thoughts any longer. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’m feeling even less confident in my ability to complete the project now if I’m honest.
It doesn’t help that I gave in to Gavin’s pouting last night and put up with several hours of a too-loud party to keep him happy. I suppose that is the price I pay for being into a guy like Gavin. He isn’t perfect, and he sure isn’t always easy to be around. But I must admit that I’m not either. We both have our good and bad qualities. He does make life exciting and constantly keeps me on my toes.
I make the right turn towards my apartment and yawn. I find my thoughts drifting back towards the project when life starts to slow down, especially in the car or in bed at night. No, not really the project as much as the people and the names I discovered. Sometimes I even imagine the town they live in.
From what I’ve researched, Sunflower Springs, Oklahoma, is a tiny town of only about 500 people. That alone feels so different to me. Magnolia Creek, Texas, isn’t big by any means, but it is at least four times the size of Sunflower Springs.
My mind wanders: What would it be like to live an entirely different life? Would I still be me if I had not been adopted? Would I have the same dreams and the same goals if my parents hadn’t raised me? Would my biological parents have raised me differently and shaped me in an unfamiliar way? I would never have met Olivia or even Gavin. How would I live a life without them in it?
I shake my head harshly. “No! Stop it!” I hear myself say out loud. I know these crazy thoughts are spiraling out of control. I most certainly do not have the time to entertain such things. This project is nowhere near done, and it requires real research not daydreaming.
I pull into my apartment parking lot beside Olivia’s car and sigh. I am exhausted. I have been working double shifts all week. Cassie took an impromptu vacation, and I am always down for extra cash, but this assignment is stressing me the hell out and work feels like just another obstacle in the way right now.
I plod up the stairs and into the apartment to change, grab a snack, and get started on homework. Olivia has been a Godsend and meets me at my apartment every single day after work. But even with Olivia’s help, I still feel stuck and hopeless about this project. Every time we get a new hint or new idea we hit a dead end.
“I’m so ready to just give up,” I blurt out during my homework session with Olivia.
“What do you mean give up? Gemma, you can’t afford to fail this class. You’re on academic probation. If you fail, you lose your academic plan and become ineligible.”
“Says the one who thinks I’m making a mistake with my degree anyway,” I spit back.
Olivia pauses for a minute. “Yea, I do. Because you chose your degree to please other people. I think you need to find your own identity and forge your own path. But that doesn’t mean I think you should give up. It sure as hell doesn’t mean I think you think you can’t do it and you better not give into those thoughts either. You’re better than that Gemma.”
“Then what the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t make these people appear out of thin air. They’re out there somewhere but there is too much red tape to even make an inch of progress in finding them!” I huff my frustration.
Olivia’s face lights up. “You’re right. They are out there. They are out there in Oklahoma and that’s close enough to go find ‘em.”
I about fall out of my chair. “What? What do you mean go find them? Like drive up to Oklahoma and just randomly start looking for people and asking questions?”
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re a nut Liv. Get back to your homework,” I say as a dismissal of the idea. But my mind keeps coming back to the idea and tossing the possibility around.
The next night, Olivia is beside me on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between us. Without warning, she blurts, “I think you should do it! Do you want me to go with you?”
I feel something twist in my belly, and I’m not sure if it is excitement, a warning, or the spiked seltzer Olivia brought over. “I don’t know,” I admit. “I can’t just up and leave, can I? I don’t even know how long I would be gone, what my goals would be, or how this fits into my plan!”
“Take a damn breath. Good. Now, take a big drink!” Olivia says with a giggle. “Yeah, actually you can just up and leave. Who cares how long it takes? Life will be waiting for you when you get back to Magnolia Creek, and I bet it will be just as demanding and annoying as it was when you left.”
“What about Tux though? I can’t just leave him,” I protest.
Olivia is ready with an answer. “I’ll stay here with him. He loves me, and a break from my parent’s house sounds like a vacation at this point.” I open my mouth to speak, but Olivia cuts me off, “Before you even go there, school is easy enough to access online, and I can help you with notes and questions. Hell, I do that anyway, with how much your head is in the clouds. And Natalie owes you a vacation anyway with how much you do at that store. How many times have you covered Cassie alone? Much less the other girls up there that have come and gone. No matter what shitstorm comes Natalie’s way, you are always right there to encourage her and have her back. She’s not gonna mind getting to have yours for once. I promise.”
I’m left speechless. I don’t have a protest left in me—only excitement and wonder. Olivia seriously always knows what to say to calm my nerves. If I was smart, I would have taken her up on her offer to come with me.
But somehow, it just feels like something I need to do on my own. Olivia is just a text away, and it’s only a few hours’ drive to Sunflower Springs if shit hits the fan. I have full confidence that Olivia would high-tail it to me in a minute if I needed her to. That would be my security blanket for now.
“Okay, I’m gonna do it!” I announce. We clink our cans together to cheers to that.
By the next morning, reality has started to set in. This really is a big step, and I haven’t talked it over with my parents yet. They have been beyond supportive since all these questions started coming up, but this could be different. This is me stepping out into the unknown without a plan. My mind is spinning as I change out of my pajamas and trudge down the stairs to my car. I decide to drive over and have this conversation with my parents in person.
I feel a wave of comfort hit me as I punch in the code to open the door at my parent’s house. The familiar smells and sounds of the lakeside home wash over me and carry my worries away. From the entry, I can hear Mom in the kitchen, no doubt baking some sort of goodies for one of her volunteer groups. Dad’s study is empty, so he must have gotten up early to get some fishing in before it gets too hot out.
My parents are always very predictable, and I love that about them. I have always found comfort in feeling fairly certain I know what to predict from them no matter what I bring to them.
Today feels a little different though. I know I will get support and kind words, but I also feel wary. I feel a bit guilty if I really dig deep. I feel like a rotten child who has been given the world and wants to trade in her parents for the new, shiny adventure of finding the first ones.
And then there is this life that my parents have worked so hard to plan out with me. What if things don’t go to plan and I stay in Sunflower Springs for an extended amount of time? I am pretty certain that I won’t feel accomplished and ready to turn in my project in the span of a weekend.
With how difficult the online search has gone; I am convinced that there are some secrets in my past that were well hidden. I try to remind myself that it is very likely that my biological parents do not want to be found. They had certainly done their best when I was adopted to cover up any trails that would lead back to them. Does anyone besides them even know I existed? I know the possibility that I’ve been a well-kept secret is very real. And if that is the case, I could be stirring up a hornet’s nest going to Sunflower Springs and nosing around in everyone’s business.
I know that this is more than just a school project now. I’ve stirred up my very own hornet’s nest in my heart and mind and the only way to quiet it is to do the hard work, find the answers, and complete the hard tasks. People grow up and get over their past secrets. Maybe my past is ready to be dug up now. Only one way to find out.
“You sure look deep in thought.” My mom’s voice startles me, and I jump. Mom lets out a loud laugh, and she wipes her hands on a kitchen towel she’s carried into the foyer with her. “You come for a surprise weekend visit to my house, and you are the one who jumps out of her skin. You can be such a mess sometimes, Gemma. You are my very favorite mess, but a mess nonetheless.”
I can’t help but agree with my mom. And hearing her laugh puts my nerves at ease. So, I take a deep breath and begin to explain my plans to my mom. Each nod and encouraging smile from her as I speak warms my insides and puts me at ease.
The rest of the day passes with Mom and I happily cooking, laughing over old memories, and watching some TV together. I even stay for a nice family dinner with my parents. It has been far too long since I have sat down with them and shared a meal at their dining room table.