24. Gemma
24
Gemma
I am utterly heartbroken. I don’t know what to think or feel or say anymore. I hate myself for letting Brooks get to me the way that he did. Damn it I am better than this. I just let everything get out of control like a child who doesn’t have to think about anything or deal with any decision they make. I am such an idiot.
I have spent every minute since our argument trying to find the missing pieces of what went wrong and put them together. But all I really accomplished was a rollercoaster of emotions about Brooks. One minute I hate the pompous asshole and have half a mind to march over to the ranch and tell him that. But then the next, I am choking back tears because I really don’t hate him.
I am heartbroken that he hates me. It destroys me to feel the way I do about him and know that he doesn’t feel the same way. No, it's worse, he feels the opposite. I am just a thorn in his side that he can’t wait to get rid of. That is fine. It is better that I know now before I waste any more precious time on him and this God-forsaken town. It is time for me to go back home.
But first, I need to try one more time to have a conversation with Brooks. We can have a calm adult discussion, right? We are both adults after all. I take a deep breath and head for the front door. It is close to quitting time, and I know Brooks will be in the barn soon getting everything settled and put away.
But all hopes of a calm adult conversation drain right out of me the moment Brooks sees me and his face turns into a scowl. Seriously what is his damn problem? It is like a switch has flipped and the guy I have completely fallen head over heels for has vanished in a blink of an eye.
“Forget it,” I mutter to myself. I turn around and stomp off to my room to start packing. If he wants me gone that badly then fine. I am happy to grant his wish and get out of his sight for good. If I plan it right, this will be the last I have to see him at all. I will eat dinner in my room tonight and slip out in the morning while he is out working the fields. It is time to put all this shit behind me.
I feel confident up until the moment I close my door behind me. The sobs rack my body and I slide down the door into a puddle of tears and panic.
I can’t breathe. Each breath is faulty and shuddering. I try to focus on each one. I try to calm myself. I try to quiet my loud sobs. It is all futile. I am failing to control my own emotional breakdown the same way I have failed everything else in my life.
This is what I have become now. I have worked my entire life to try to fit into everyone’s nice and neat little box they have created for me. I have made my parent’s life goal for me into my personal life goal. That had failed. I have tried to be the best friend I could be to Olivia. That had failed. I have tried to be the perfect student and graduate college with honors. That had failed.
I tried to be the best girlfriend to Gavin, hoping to become a wife he could be proud of having on his arm. That had failed miserably. Hell, I have failed at even becoming his girlfriend. I can’t even do that right. I am wracked with sobs again. Absolutely everything in my life is wrecked because of one stupid decision to run away and chase the dream of finding myself.
Why couldn’t I have just left it alone? Why couldn’t I have just been happy with my nice and neat little life? People would give up anything for that life, and I have just thrown it away on a whim to go off to Oklahoma like an idiot.
What a trail of messes I have left in my wake. What did I even gain? I have disappointed my parents. I have wrecked two relationships. I have potentially ruined my college career and the future it promised. I had an amazing job with amazing people, and I have run out on them.
I have completely left everyone’s expectations of me in the dust and my life crumbled in the process. “What if?” I begin to think. “What if I went to my boss and begged? What if I went back and doubled down on classes at the college? I would be behind, but I would have a future again. I would be worthy of a successful life again. I could be worthy of love again.”
I start to think about each of these scenarios and what it would be like to grovel at the feet of everyone in my life prior to my leaving. I think about how humiliating it would be to return to the life I had worked so hard for and then walked away from.
I think of the future with Gavin I thought I would have and how worthless it had been to him. I think of having a conversation with him and asking him what he was thinking and how we could fix it all. How could we still have a future together?
I wake bleary eyed in the morning after a night of crying myself to sleep. I still just can’t get a grasp on where everything went so horribly wrong. Why do I keep choosing the wrong guys? Why am I drawn to men who are set on destroying me? Hell, I guess I have the rest of my life to figure that out.
I grab my bags and slip out the front door unnoticed. I left a handwritten letter on my bed thanking Miss Cora for her hospitality and apologizing for leaving abruptly without a formal goodbye. It breaks my heart to leave her and this whole town as much as it does to leave Brooks. But he made the choice for both of us. I have nothing left but to leave.
I turn my GPS on and blast my music. I don’t trust myself to remember the way in this state of mind and quiet will only give me more opportunity to spiral. When I drove up here, I was so scared but so full of hope and possibility. Now I’m driving back home utterly destroyed and defeated. Way to be a grade a fuck up Gemma.