CHAPTER 51
Asher
“ I kind of figured you’d be taking a step back now,” Nash answers after I tell him I’ll be leaving the bar permanently.
With getting Olivia’s cabinets done, and her living with me, I just have no desire to spend my nights in the bar when I could be home with her.
I knew he’d understand, and it seemed like the perfect time to tell him as we sit on his deck, drinking some good coffee and watching the fish jump in the creek behind his house.
It’s already obvious that the cooler weather isn’t too far off; the afternoon sun streaming through his pergola isn’t as warm on our skin as it would’ve been a few weeks ago.
“We had Matt doing your job when you were away in Franklinville anyway and most nights since. He needs the hours, so I’m sure he’ll take on the extra responsibility.”
I nod. “Thanks.”
“No problem. I get it.” He looks over his shoulder then leans in a little. “You still working on her cabinets?”
I nod. “Yeah, almost done now. And I’m thinking about what I can make for the baby, for the nursery.”
“Have you managed to talk about where that nursery will be?” he asks as he leans back in his chair.
I shake my head. I’m still getting used to opening up to people like this, but Olivia has made me want to try. “Not yet. We’re long overdue for a talk like that, but we both have a problem with making waves when everything is great as it is.”
“Been there.” Nash drums his fingers against the arm of his chair. “But trust me when I say it will help to talk it out.”
I take a deep breath. I know I can trust Nash; with Ruby being so new, he knows exactly what I have to lose.
“There are some things about my life before I met her that I feel she deserves to know. When this all started, it just seemed easier not to explain the connection I still have to my family.” I look out at the water as I take a deep breath.
“A few weeks ago my father died. And I was gonna tell her everything.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
I shake my head. “Don’t be sorry. He isn’t worth it.”
Nash just nods. It’s what I like most about him—he’s a good listener. “She told me she didn’t want to know and that it was easier to leave it all in the past. I know I need to let go of that part of my life. But I’m just living in this state of fear that they’ll get me one day.”
“You’re constantly on edge,” Nash says like he knows the feeling well.
“Exactly. And I’m really struggling to allow myself to accept the good right in front of me.”
“Like you’re not worthy of it.”
My eyes snap to his. “Aye.”
“Things have changed between you two now. It’s pretty obvious,” Nash comments as he looks out at the lush green land in front of us.
“They have. Drastically. I think … fuck, no, I don’t think, I know, I’m in love with her, man. But I have this incessant need to protect her. And I will not put her in harm’s way because of where I came from.”
Nash looks down at his coffee, then back to me.
“Your past isn’t my business. I only know what you’ve told me, but it’s all I need.
I only care about the man you are now, and I know you’re a good man.
A friend. The way you look at her, it’s obvious how you feel about her.
And the way she looks at you? That makes it obvious she feels the same. ”
I glance at Olivia; she’s perched on the sofa just across from CeCe, holding the most adorable and terrifying little person I’ve ever met.
But Olivia’s not scared at all. She’s a natural, smiling down at Ruby with so much goddamn love in her eyes it makes me desperate for it to be our turn, for us to get our happy ending.
“It just scares the shit out of me thinking that I could lose her, especially when, hell, I think this is what it feels like to be happy.”
Nash smirks. “Olivia is like a sister to me. She’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and one of the most understanding.
Take it from me. Not facing your demons?
Letting them cripple you? They’ll catch up to you at some point, regardless of whether you try to keep them at bay.
In my opinion, and speaking from experience, it’s better to get ahead of them then deal with the aftermath.
You have to learn to trust that she’ll love you anyway, accept every part of who you are, even the ugly parts.
All love really is, is finding someone who brings you so much happiness, so much fuckin’ joy, that the devils you’re haunted by don’t stand a damn chance. ”
I raise my mug at him with a grin. “When did you get so fucking smart?”
“Since they became my life.” He nods inside. “And I’ll let you in on a little secret. You may not have told her yet, but Olivia and your baby, they’ve already become your life. It’s written all over you.”
I look out at the lake. I’ve never been good at talking, so the fact that we’re even having this conversation astonishes me.
I don’t think I could put into words how I feel about Olivia, but I know I have to try.
As I bring my mug up to my lips, my eyes land on a stack of wood out near Nash’s shed at the water.
“That olive wood?” I ask, pointing toward it.
“Yeah.” He nods. “Shame. I had to cut the whole damn tree down in the summer. It was getting too close to my power lines. It’s pretty rare for them to get that big, from what I’m told.”
“It is,” I confirm. “What are you doing with it?” I’m curious now; I must be hanging around Olivia too much because I’m starting to hatch a plan.
“Right now, you’re looking at it.” He chuckles. “Maybe fire-wood.”
“Fuck no,” I grumble. “Mind if I take it off your hands?”
“It’s yours,” he agrees right away. “You’ll be doin’ me a favor, to be honest.”
“Thanks, and uh, thanks for the talk too.” I tip my chin to him. “I mean it.”
“That’s what friends are for.” Nash lifts his coffee in a cheers and, as we finish our chat, I’m already designing in my head. I may have a hard time expressing to Liv exactly how I feel, but I know for damn sure I can show her.