Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
?? BAKU, AZERBAIJAN
R owan never talked about it to anyone, but today, he felt like his panic was suffocating him. Like the world, and the people, and the media were trying to choke him. Drowning him under all that guilt that was destroying him.
It was so hard, so painful, when he felt like everything was his fault—well, it was his fault. That result was because of him. That missed podium was because of his own mistakes.
And even when his entourage kept cheering him on, kept telling him he had done great, he couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t enough.
It was only when he was alone in his hotel room that he decided it was okay to let his smile fall and unwelcome tears escape. It was then that his lungs felt tight, and his head started spinning. It was then that he punched his pillow, furious at being so stupid.
And it was when he read his father’s messages that he cried in frustration, wondering when the hell he would be enough and good in the eyes of his parent. Perhaps never. And Rowan had to live with that.
When his breaths became even and the fog inside his mind cleared, he regained composure and changed into his swimming shorts. He knew the pool had closed hours ago, and it made everything better for him to know he’d be alone.
The still warm air caressed his bare skin when he stepped on the rooftop. His heart ceased to beat when he saw a silhouette sitting on the edge of the pool. He instantly knew who it was by the reaction of his body.
Hearing the door close behind him, Avery turned around. “Oh, it’s you.”
Rowan scoffed softly. “Hide your joy.”
She didn’t say anything as she watched him put his towel next to hers on the lounge chair. He walked towards the pool, ruffling his hair before diving in.
The lukewarm water soothed the ache in his body, especially his shoulder after the minor injury he had a few months ago.
When he resurfaced, he sighed contently.
“Do you want me to go?” Avery asked quietly.
He found her gaze, breath catching inside his throat. Basking in the soft glow of the moonlight, she looked like an angel sent from above. Her dark hair framed her face, the luminescence of the silver orbit drawing stars on her tender expression.
Rowan realised she had been fated to crash into his orbit like a comet, a shooting star that would change his life. But he still wanted to live in denial. Wanted to keep his walls intact and unwavering.
He couldn’t help but roam his gaze over her physique—one he couldn’t forget about—and found himself swallowing when he watched the lavender swimsuit hug her body perfectly. Her breasts were nearly spilling out of the fabric, pressed together in a way that made him wish he could bury his cock in between and fuck her generous tits.
Rowan cleared his throat, finding her gaze again. She had tilted her head, a line drawn between her brows as she studied his features. He already knew that she could sense something was wrong with him.
And Rowan felt like a dick for ignoring her the entire evening. He had barely spoken to her when he went to do the interviews in the media pen. Hadn’t spoken to her when he left the circuit with Tate. Hadn’t asked if she wanted to ride with him. Hadn’t answered her message when she had asked if he was okay.
“Stay,” he finally answered. “I’d like you to stay.”
Nodding, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Okay.”
“I’m surprised to see you here. Thought you didn’t like to break rules.”
She shrugged sheepishly. “I broke quite a few last week, so what’s one more rule to ignore?”
A smirk ghosted his lips. “I love the way you think.”
“Why aren’t you partying and celebrating?”
Rowan fell on his back and started floating. He stared at the starry sky, silent for a few beats. “Didn’t feel like it. Don’t feel like I deserve to celebrate.”
Her response was muffled by the water lapping around his head, so he straightened himself again. “Sorry?”
“I asked why you would think that. If there’s one driver who’s deserving of celebrating today’s Grand Prix, it’s you.”
Rowan curled his lips into a taunting smirk. “Look, I appreciate the flattery, but I don’t really look like Miles Huxley. I’m ten times more attractive.”
Rolling her eyes, Avery shook her head, but a small smile was trying to creep on her face. “You know you had a great race, right?”
He only responded with a shrug of his shoulders.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her features stricken with concern.
Another shrug.
Even if he responded vaguely, he knew she’d try and rattle his barriers. That fierce, unyielding layer of her personality made her even more attractive from his point of view.
Slipping into the water, she faced Rowan. Doe eyes scrutinised his face, not a single flicker of judgement sparkling in those chocolate irises. “A secret for a secret?”
Rowan wanted to close the small distance between them, to catch her lips, to touch her skin, but he knew she’d push him away. Because that demand to share a secret in exchange for another one was a moment of vulnerability. There was no place for foolishness, for distractions.
Inhaling deeply, he decided he needed a moment to collect his thoughts and to decide which secret to spill. There were so many secrets he was willing to share with Avery. So many things that he kept hidden in his heart that he wanted to lay open. There was just something about her that procured him a solace he shouldn’t long for, yet he craved for it—that comfort, that serenity, that feeling of understanding.
He started doing a few laps around the pool, and when he came back to stand before Avery, she was leaning against the wall, patiently waiting for him.
“You don’t have to rush,” she told him with a delicacy that cracked his heart open. He didn’t deserve her kindness. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
Rowan nodded as he rubbed the back of his neck. He swam towards Avery to rest next to her, draping his arms over the ledge and leaning his chin atop his forearm, staring absently ahead.
“I’m bad at this,” he whispered.
“At what?”
“Communicating. In general.”
“You’re doing a good job right now,” she praised. “Keep going.”
The walls he’d built around him were intact. Had never once so much as wavered. But it seemed like Avery knew the secret to see past them, intent on tearing them down.
Though he allowed a tiny smile to settle on the corner of his lips, he didn’t want to look at her, terrified of how his heart and body would react once he found chocolate eyes. “I grew up in a broken home,” he confessed. No one except Tate knew about this. “My parents sacrificed a lot for me, and sometimes I still think I’m the reason why they split up in the first place. I was ten when they divorced. I can still hear my parents yelling at each other, getting into argument after argument over my racing and the money they were spending on me. I can still hear my mum crying in the middle of the night because my dickhead of a father would blame her for everything that went downhill in their relationship.”
The water lapped around him when she turned, inching closer until she braced her arms on the ledge, too. Her bare shoulder brushed against his, a zip of electricity trailing through his veins at the contact.
“You’re doing great,” she encouraged in a murmur.
“Because of my broken home, there was never space for me to learn how to communicate properly, to talk about my needs, or fears, or joys. My mum would try to talk to me when I would close myself off, but I could never manage to speak up, resulting in me pushing her away.” He inhaled deeply, already feeling a heavy weight lifting off his chest. “I was such a goddamn angry kid, always keeping all my feelings bottled in. I would never be here without my folks; let’s be real. I know they gave up a lot for me, and I’m super grateful for them. But, whilst Mum and Riley have always cheered me on and loved me despite my mistakes, my father is just…I don’t even know. He’s messing with my head. He’s fucking with me over and over. He wants me to be the best, but doesn’t support me—never has. We were never close. I can barely call him Dad, but you know, sometimes it hurts to be in this position.”
“How’s your relationship with Riley?”
He shrugged, keeping his stare on nothing in particular. “Okay. We weren’t very close as kids. She’s the oldest, right? She’s the golden girl with a bright future, a great corporate job, and a beautiful life ahead of herself. She isn’t close to Stephen, either, but I’ve always kind of lived in her shadow. We only started to bond when she had Nora.”
“Who’s…”
“Nora’s father?” He saw the nod of her head from the corner of his eye. “We don’t know. She won’t tell us. All I know is that Nora’s the gift of a one-night stand.”
“That’s tough.”
“Yeah. It sucks to grow up with an abusive father, but imagine growing up without one.”
“I can’t imagine how much it hurts,” she said softly. “I’m sorry that I can’t understand what you’re going through.”
He smiled faintly. “Don’t be sorry.”
“Can you tell me more about what happened with your father?” Rowan understood she was doing this to help him heal. Avery wasn’t the type of woman who would try to change him like his past girlfriends. Wasn’t the type to judge him for his past, for his story.
Rowan’s jaw tightened as he let unwanted memories flood his mind. “I don’t want to be a burden.”
“You’re not,” she assured. “You’ll never be a burden, but it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I’ll understand.”
“He was just”—he paused to take a deep breath—“a total asshat. I once had a karting competition when I was eight. Finished third. He wasn’t happy and left the circuit without me, leaving me to find a way back home. When I was safely home, he just yelled at me for being a failure. He hit me. I’m quite literally his biggest disappointment—always have been. I’m fine now. I try to not let him affect my mental health the way he used to. The only thing he still makes me believe is that I’m not good enough to be in F1. I just feel so, so pressured every time I get in the car. It’s a weight I can’t seem to shake off.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I’m so sorry you feel this way. Does your mum still talk to him?”
“I appreciate your apology, but it’s not your fault at all.” He swallowed his grunt then. “Unfortunately, Mum talks to him more than she should. They tried to maintain a good relationship to co-parent as best as they could, but deep down she’s hopeful. She’s hoping he’s going to change and come back. It’s been twenty years, and she still thinks he can be a good man, but she knows he’s not. She deserves so much more than him.”
“Do you think she still loves him?”
“No. I know the divorce hurt her a lot, but she just loves what they used to have before having kids. She clings too much to the past.”
“I don’t think you were the reason your parents separated.”
“Sure. Maybe you’re right. But when you see the two people who raised you grow apart, you can’t help but think love is only ephemeral.”
“You don’t believe in love, then?”
He shook his head. “Not one bit. I don’t think it’s meant for me. At least not in this lifetime.”
He’d been told, repeatedly, that he didn’t deserve good things in life. Love included.
“Is this why you’re so scared of opening up?”
“Maybe.” Of course, she’d been able to sense his resistance, his will to keep her away. But how could anyone resist her charms?
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, but retreated quickly. Rowan found himself instantly missing her touch. “Thank you for sharing this part of you with me. It means a lot.”
The sincerity in her gaze made his breath hitch. Caused a lump to build inside his throat.
She leaned her cheek in the palm of her hand, a soft regard meandering over his face. “It’s hard to believe you’re hiding such a deep background under your tough and arrogant fa?ade.”
He lifted his shoulders. “Yeah, well, I’m an expert at showing that cocky side of me and hiding my true self. The world loves me for who I am.”
“You know, no one goes through life unscathed and unharmed. Shit happens to everyone, and I believe each of our stories makes us who we are today. Your past doesn’t define you, and what the world expects of you shouldn’t define you, either. You’re more than enough. You know how worthy of that F1 seat you are. You know how hard you’ve worked to get here. You deserve to be amongst those other nineteen Formula 1 drivers. You don’t come from a family of racers, but Primavera Racing has welcomed you into their family with open arms, and you’re here to stay. Those scars, whether they’re hidden or not, make you beautiful, Rowan.”
He wondered how, even in his worst times, Avery saw the best in him.
How, even in his worst lies, she saw the truth in him.
How, whilst he was in the aftermath of an earthquake, she was a tranquil ocean, stable, and calm, and peaceful even when she’d been through reckless waves.
“I’m sorry you had a difficult childhood,” she continued when he was unable to voice his thoughts. “And I’m sorry your father can’t see you for the real talent you are. I promise there are millions of people out there who admire you.”
Swallowing, he nodded. “Thank you, sunflower. You’ve got no idea how much your words mean to me.”
A beautiful, devastating smile spread across her full lips. “Of course.”
He pushed himself off the edge and dipped into the water just to soak all the emotions in. Only now did he realise how good it had felt to speak up, to confess to someone other than Tate. Emerging to the surface, he caught Avery’s hip to make her turn around, pressing her back to the wall. He braced both hands on either side of her body, caging her in.
“I’m supposed to stay away from you,” he whispered lowly. “But how am I supposed to do so when you’re being like this with me?”
She narrowed her gaze. “Do you want me to go back to being a bitch to you?”
“To be honest, your attitude turns me on.”
She pushed his chest, but he didn’t so much as move. He loved the feeling of her soft skin on his, even if it was brief. “You’re an idiot.”
Her gaze fell to his dimples when he grinned broadly. “I know.”
Her fingers twitched in the water, like she wanted to touch him, but she kept her hands by her sides. “Don’t beat yourself up because of today’s result. You did amazing; it was just a little mistake. Don’t listen to the media. Be the Rowan everyone adores: the guy who smiles and has no regrets. The guy who turns bad moments into simple memories.”
He nodded, determined. “I will.” He made the first move, brushing her messy fringe away from her forehead. “What’s your secret?”
“What do you want to know?”
He liked how open she was with him. She used to be so reluctant towards him, so cold and uncaring. But now, she was allowing him to catch a glimpse of what had been laying beneath that open disdain.
“Why aren’t you partying with the rest of the team and your friends?”
“Because I don’t have any friends.”
“Lies,” he scoffed. “You’re a social butterfly.”
She shook her head, eyes dropping to his tattooed chest. “Not really. My only friends are Gabe and his boyfriend, Elijah.”
He knitted his brows together. “You’re always surrounded by so many people. You always talk to everyone.”
“I see you’ve been keeping a close watch on me.”
He chuckled. “Just like you do with me, love.”
Truth was, no matter where they were, no matter how many people stood between and around them, he would always find her in a crowded place. Like a magnet craving to find its other half.
Avery slipped her gaze to the waning crescent moon, a soft sigh flying past her lips. “Being around a lot of people doesn’t mean I’m close, let alone friends with them. I enjoy the team’s company; we have fun together, we laugh a lot, and we get along. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to get too close.”
“Why is that?”
As she looked away from the constellations brightening the night sky, she settled her gaze on the chain around his neck. “I’ve had bad friendships in the past. I think I’d rather be alone than in bad company. To have a few close friends rather than be surrounded by hypocrites.”
“What happened?” He cupped her chin, obliging her to bask in the raw concern shimmering around his pupils.
It took a few beats for her to open up. As she searched for the right words to express her quiet anguish, she started biting her lower lip. It was an effort for Rowan not to brush her mouth with the pad of his thumb.
“People take my kindness for granted, and that’s sad. They use me, make fun of me and what makes me happy, and I try not to care. But when I try to befriend someone, they don’t return my excitement. I’m very often belittled and I don’t know why. It’s tiring. I wish I could become friends with someone who listens without judging, who won’t make everything about them. I don’t ask for a lot, but it always feels like I’m begging for the moon.”
Rowan’s hands started shaking with unrestrained anger. Why and how could someone hurt someone as good as Avery? And how was she still so stunningly mystifying after being obliterated by people in her past?
“Do you—feel lonely?”
Sorrow misted over her eyes, and his throat tightened. “Sometimes. All the time, actually. Do you know how hard it is to feel lonely when you’re in a crowded room? But I’m used to it. Honestly, I don’t mind the solitude. I embrace it and make the most of it.”
“Avery,” he started, voice hoarse.“I had no idea you felt this way. I’m sorry.”
“I’m fine,” she assured. “I don’t need to get drunk and party to have fun. Besides, after this exhausting week, relaxing by the pool at midnight is exactly what I needed.”
Looping his arms around her waist, Rowan pulled her into his chest. He heard her breath catch inside her throat, and he wondered if she could feel the rapid pulse of his heartbeat against her own. She winded her arms around his neck, wide eyes flickering between his.
He found himself wanting to hold her, curl into her warmth. It was a strange feeling; he couldn’t recall the last time he’d been held. The last time he’d sought a hug, comfort. But desire took over his tenderness.
“I’ll be your friend,” he murmured, nose grazing her jaw until his lips hovered above the side of her neck.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” He kissed her neck, smirking as he felt a shiver rack through her body.
She passed her fingers through the wet hair on his nape. He loved it when she did that. “What kind of friend?”
He continued to trail kisses down her throat, her sweet fragrance enveloping all his senses. He could see her as a new addiction. Dangerous. Compelling. “I can be the friend who listens to you when you need to talk to someone. Who comes to you when I need to lift things off my chest. I can be the friend who tells you a secret in exchange for one of your own. I can also be the friend who makes you scream at night, who shows you how perfect you are and how your body deserves to be worshipped. I can be whatever friend you need.”
“What about the just sex deal?”
“We can alter it.”
“Friends with benefits?”
“ Lots of benefits. Tons of them. Sounds good?”
“Why not,” she breathed out.
“Why not?” he parroted, bemused, his hands running down her ribs. “Will you ever stop being a brat?”
“But are you sure you want this with me?”
He stilled, a deep crease forming between his furrowed brows. He found her gaze, gaping at her incredulously. “Yes.”
“But…”
“But what? Tell me.”
She sighed heavily, shoulders sagging. “I don’t know, Rowan. You seem like a stable guy. Steady. Well-balanced and anchored to your commitments. I don’t want to hold you back from hooking up with other women. I just—sorry. I’m rambling. Whatever I’m trying to say doesn’t make sense. I’m nervous.”
“I make you nervous?” He smirked. “One point for Rowan Emerson.”
“I’m trying to be serious here.”
“And I’m trying to tell you that,”—he grabbed her hand to place it above his prominent bulge, causing her eyes to widen slightly—“I don’t want anyone else. No one can be a better friend with a cunt as sweet as yours, Avery.”
She couldn’t help but laugh at the foul words leaving his mouth, yet a crimson blush had appeared on her cheekbones. When he placed a tender kiss on her nose, then her cheek, and on her jaw, he heard her sigh softly.
Rowan was baffled by his actions. His affection.
With her head tilted to the side, she had granted him more access to her skin just as he grabbed the back of her thighs to wrap her legs around his waist.
“Okay, but wait.”
“Anything you want, sunflower.”
“We need to set a few rules.”
He groaned. “Seriously?”
“Yes.” She cradled his face, prying him away from her soft skin to force him to look at her. Unconsciously, he leaned into her touch. The look on her face shifted from aggravated concern and seriousness to a certain tenderness. “I don’t want this—us—to impact your performance and especially your career. If we get caught—”
“We’ll be careful. I’d never put you in danger. Would never take the risk of getting caught because I don’t want you to be fired.”
A tantalising smile illuminated her features. “Are you finally admitting I’m the best PR officer you’ve ever had and that you don’t know what you’d do without me?”
He rolled his eyes. “Let’s not go too far.”
“It’s always going to be work before anything else, okay? I’m not going to distract you. You’ll come to me only when you need to get it out of your system, and I’ll do the same, but we have to stay professional.”
God, that overbearing, controlling side of hers. He was so turned on. Could fuck her right then and there. “Rules. Okay. Yeah. Anything you want.”
“No hooking up when we’re travelling.”
“Are you shitting me?” he bellowed with disbelief. “We travel ninety percent of the season, dude. When can we bang, then? Winter break? Yeah, no, fuck that.”
She was amused. He wasn’t. “Fine, dude. No hooking up during race weekend—that means Friday through Sunday night. You need to focus.”
“Okay, but what if I need to release some tension before a race or something?”
Avery shook her head. “Not happening.”
“Fine. I respect that. You want us to be professional. Fine.”
She giggled. Giggled. Hooking a finger under his chain, she said, “You sound petty. Stop. I just don’t want it to be weird between us.”
“It’s not. It won’t be.”
Doe eyes blinked up at him. “Promise?”
“I promise, sunflower.”
“We have to be extra careful of everything we do. Where we meet. When we meet.”
He nodded. “You got it.”
“We can’t tell anyone.”
“Obviously. My lips are sealed. You’re my secret.”
Something flashed in her eyes, but he couldn’t put a word on that strange emotion.
“And when you meet someone else, someone new, you tell me so we can end things. Same goes for me.”
Rowan nodded, but he didn’t want to meet anyone new. Didn’t want her to meet another man.
None of this sounded like two friends seeking a relationship where only lust could take over, where feelings were unwelcome. But, somehow, he didn’t care.
“Deal,” he said despite the tightness in his chest.
“Deal.” She extended her small hand, and he shook it with a firm grip. She tried to grip him harder, causing him to chuckle.
“Good. Now, come here.”
Cupping her chin, he brought her lips to his, and the contact set his entire universe on fire. Explosions of overwhelming sentiments. Fireworks of incomprehensible yet unyielding desire. Kissing Avery had never felt so good.
Her lips parted, allowing his tongue to explore her mouth whilst their breaths entwined. Slipping his hand to her neck and aiming for her chest, he pushed his hips into hers, eliciting a gasp to echo.
When her hands fell onto his pecs, he smirked, but she pushed him away.
He blinked.
She had the audacity to shrug sheepishly.
He let her go, confused, and she pushed herself out of the pool.
And then, she bent over to grab his jaw, pecked his lips, and whispered, “Goodnight, Rowan.”
He watched her walk to the lounge chair to retrieve her towel, hips swaying and perfect round, generous ass in his field of vision.
“Are you fucking serious? Leaving me here alone with a raging hard-on?”
She didn’t look at him when she waved in farewell. “Sorry, lover boy, but you’ll have to take care of it on your own tonight. Sweet dreams.”