Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
?? MONTREAL, CANADA
T hrough the haze of turmoil fogging his mind, Rowan managed to lift a thumbs-up and grin broadly at Tate when the latter tried to snap a picture.
“Enjoy while it lasts, prick,” Rowan grumbled when his friend snickered. “No, ‘I hope you’re okay’, no ‘your crash was scary as fuck’, no nothing. Just you, snapping photos of me while I’m high on painkillers and wearing this stupid hospital gown.”
Tate’s shoulders were lifted in a lazy shrug after he took a seat on the armchair placed in the corner of the room. Rowan was waiting for the doctor’s approval to leave, which shouldn’t take too long now.
He had been taken to the nearest hospital after his crash. After several tests, he had been told everything was alright and that he was lucky nothing had broken with an incident including that much G-force.
“Stop being so melodramatic,” Tate drawled as he opened a packet of crisps to munch on. “You’re alive.”
“Great observation,” Rowan responded.
His head was still pounding, and the doctor had advised him to stay away from screens for the next twenty-four hours. As he tried to make himself more comfortable, he rubbed his face as a groan erupted.
Suddenly, a photograph of chocolate eyes that had already been embedded in his mind resurfaced and caused his heart to go into overdrive.
He peered at Tate who was busy scrolling through his phone. Clearing his throat, he asked, “Heard from Avery?”
Tate didn’t so much as look up. “When are you going to start calling her Ava?”
“Never.”He loved calling her Avery. Loved being the only person using her full name.
“Well, Ava is worried sick about you.”
Rowan sat up. “You’ve been texting her?”
Tate scoffed loudly before locking his phone and putting it in the pocket of his hoodie. “Yes. You asked me to check on her all day long because she’s got the flu. She woke up from her nap to watch the race, and now she can’t stop asking me how you’re doing.”
“Can you tell her I’ll call her when I get back to the hotel?”
“Already done.”
“Thanks. Is she okay?”
“Marvellous,” his friend deadpanned. “Tired and very weak, is what she told me. I already called room service to bring her some soup and painkillers.”
“Thank you, man.”
Rowan tipped his head back, allowing a frown to touch his brows when he closed his eyes.
“You really do care about her, don’t you?” Tate asked quietly.
Rowan only nodded. There was no denying it. “I’m an idiot.”
“Your words, not mine.”
Rowan sighed heavily and finally opened his eyes, only to find his friend watching him curiously.
“You really like her,” Tate observed.
Tate knew Rowan best. His secrets. His fears. His strengths. His weaknesses. And whilst Rowan had been able to keep everything regarding Avery a secret from the world, Tate was no fool.
“Yeah,” he breathed out. “So much that it’s killing me not to be able to touch her in front of everyone else. Have you seen this woman? I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s so selfless, smart, brilliant, and fun to hang out with. She’s the only one besides you who knows about my father and everything about my past. She’s my best friend.”
“Hey!” Tate hollered, an aggravated look taking over his features. “You’re such a cunt!”
Rowan glowered. “Fine, you’re both my best friends. But I don’t know, she’s just the most special person to walk this planet.”
A surge of intense relief seeped through his veins as he finally admitted out loud, to someone other than himself, that he had unwavering, strong feelings for Avery. He’d never felt like this before, and he wasn’t sure what it was.
But if Avery was a drug, then damn him for not wanting to find a cure. Being utterly intoxicated by everything about her was akin to flying high, to racing at full speed. He never wanted that haze of euphoria to fade away.
The corner of Tate’s mouth curled upwards. “I don’t know if you’re high on meds or high on love. Either way, this is epic. I always knew you had a thing for her.”
“Really?”
“You’ve been trying to get her attention ever since she arrived on the team. Always spiking her temper, firing back at her comments, always watching her not-so-discreetly.”
Tate was a quiet man, but thoroughly observant.
“I almost told her I lo—” Rowan stopped himself, eyes widening. “That I care deeply for her.”
Tate snickered. “Why are you saying it like it’s a problem?”
“Because it is.”
“I don’t see how.”
“I don’t even know what love is. You know I wasn’t surrounded by it when I was a kid. For all I know, whatever this is with Avery could be mistaken as intense lust—”
“It’s not just that,” Tate cut in.
“I know. I just don’t think I’m good enough for her. She deserves way more than what I can offer. And I don’t deserve to be loved.”
“The bullshit that comes out of your mouth is truly baffling, Rowan.”
Rowan scoffed. “I’m just telling the truth.”
“No, you’re confused. There’s a nuance. So what? You think you’re not good enough for her, so you’re going to leave her?”
Rowan shrugged. “If it makes her happy…”
“It would tear her apart, and you know it. It would destroy you.” A beat of silence passed. “Is that why you’re so terrified to tell her you love her? Because you think it’s not earnest enough? Because you think you’re not allowed to feel it because of your childhood and what your fucker of a father made you believe? You talk about her like she’s your saving grace, you protect her like you’d take a bullet for her. Is that not clear enough for you?”
Rowan reared back. “Why are you getting angry?”
“Because—” Tate rubbed his face. “You’re my best mate. I just want you to be happy.”
“I don’t deserve her. I’m not a good man—”
The only thing he was worried about was the detriment he would be facing by prioritising Avery’s happiness and destroying himself by doing so.
“Stop it, Rowan. Stop fucking with your own emotions.”
Slumping against his pillows, he sighed, trying to ignore the buzzing in his ears and the weight pressing against his heart. “Sorry.”
For a moment, Tate was silent, simply observing Rowan with shining eyes. Like seeing Rowan in this state was hurting him, too.
“I’m proud of you, you know,” Tate said earnestly. “For accepting the intimacy she’s providing you. But you need to allow yourself to be loved and to love her, too. I’ve watched you yearn for this kind of affection your entire life. And I don’t know a single person who isn’t more deserving of finding love than you, mate. So I’m not sure what you’re waiting for to tell her how you feel.”
He couldn’t breathe. “I’m just struggling. I think she could be happier with someone else.”
“Don’t do this to yourself,” his friend murmured. “I like this chick. She’s cool, funny, snarky, and she’s perfect for you. The way she’s patient and holds your hand, the way she helps you be the best version of yourself without judging. She pushes you forward and encourages you. Why would you want another man to have her? You told her about your father and your past, you told her everything. Just because you think you don’t deserve her doesn’t mean you should stop yourself from exploring those feelings. You can’t control the way you feel about her, so just accept it. And you make her happy, so fucking happy. Don’t take that away from her.”
Taking a shaky inhale, Rowan tried not to let tears escape. “Jesus, don’t make me cry. Why are you so quiet all the time and say stuff like this out of the blue?”
“I just wish you would get your shit together and marry Ava so that I can win the bet I made with Riley and your mother.”
“You made a bet—You know what? I actually think you’re a complete shithead.”
Tate rubbed his nose with his middle finger. “I think the right words should be ‘Thanks, Tate. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.’ But it’s whatever.”