Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
?? LONDON, ENGLAND
A va knocked on his door again, wrapping her cardigan around her torso as the late evening breeze brushed against her shaking body.
When the front door opened, the wound in her heart deepened, leaving fragments to fall into the pit of her stomach. Rowan stood there, bloodshot eyes staring back at her as though he was surprised to see her there. As though he was shocked that she was willing to fight for him.
“You’re such a fucking cretin, Rowan,” Ava choked out, letting her hands fall to her side.
“Nice seeing you, too,” he deadpanned, stepping to the side to let her enter his quiet house.
“Is it?” she bit out. When her shoulder grazed his chest, she felt sparks ignite on her arm, but they diminished instantly when he didn’t grab her hand, or wrist, or hip. When he only closed the door and stood before her, immobile. “Because it looks like you’re avoiding me, and I don’t even know why.”
Rowan’s mouth gaped as he ran a hand through his dishevelled hair. That was when she noticed how fatigue-stricken his face was. How he was letting the same affliction consume him.
“Actually, I know why,” she said bitterly, frowning. She didn’t pay attention to Praline who had come to beg for her attention. “You’re pushing me away because you think I don’t want you, but you don’t know anything, Rowan. You’re so used to people leaving so you’re walking away, thinking I’m going to abandon you when it’s not the case. So you’re saving yourself the trouble of hurting by pushing me away instead. But you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to make that decision without talking to me first.”
Rowan didn’t respond. His entire expression was blank, yet his eyes were glinting with sorrow.
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
His answer was a simple nod. Barely existent.
Ava didn’t want to say those words out loud, but she forced herself to. After letting out a breath, she asked, “Do you want to put an end to this? To us?”
Rowan’s lower lip trembled, his features hardening for a flickering heartbeat. Then, he shook his head. “No.”
A cloud of turmoil had started invading her senses. “I’d rather you tell me the truth.”
“I just—” His voice cracked, and he shook his head, like he didn’t know what he wanted to confess.
“You what?” She glanced away, blinking to prevent tears from falling. “You thought it would be okay to tell me who I want to be with? You thought it was okay to ignore me, thinking I’d put all of our history in the bin like it didn’t mean anything to me? You thought what?”
“I think I don’t deserve you!” he shouted then, his chest rising and falling.
She swallowed thickly, not even rearing back at his outburst. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why can’t you just accept for once in your life that someone wants you? All of you. Your demons, your scars, everything. Is it so hard to believe that I want to fight for you?”
His jaw tightened, making its muscle tick. His hazel eyes that she had fallen in love with were shining with unshed tears, and she knew he was hurting just as much. “I’m not good enough for you. I can’t give you what you need.”
“That’s not for you to decide,” she argued, feeling a tear cascade down her cheek. The sight of her detriment made his fingers twitch by his side, but he kept the immense distance between them. “You can’t tell me what’s good or bad for me. You’ve given me everything. Why are you throwing it to waste like that? You have flaws, imperfections, but that’s what makes you so real! You constantly give me everything I’ve longed to have in a lifetime, and that’s exactly why you’re my favourite person.”
Ava’s vision was blurry, and she felt her entire body tremble with rage.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “I refuse to let you push me away.”
He gestured to the door. “There are tons of guys out there who would treat you better than I do.”
“That’s bullshit!” she cut in, stepping forward. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. Stop making these excuses. Stop thinking I want someone else because I don’t.”
“You’re the one who said we needed to cut our deal if we wanted to see other people.”
The world stopped spinning, her mind going into a frenzy at the realisation. “Is this what all of this is about? You’ve met someone, haven’t you? And you’re pushing me into someone else’s arms to make it easier to leave.”
Rowan’s expression hardened. “I haven’t met anybody else.”
Incessant rivulets of tears stained her cheeks, and she couldn’t stop the wild tremors skittering across her body. “That deal was for you . Because you’re the famous F1 driver who always meets new people. Because you’re the guy with girls chasing after you. You’re the guy who could meet, at any moment, a woman who has everything I don’t. This was all for you , Rowan. Don’t you dare turn it around on me.”
“But do you not see the way I just disrespected you?” His voice was hoarse with sadness, features woven with undeniable chagrin. “The way I left your place days ago and haven’t answered any of your messages since then? How I left you thinking you weren’t enough, leaving you worried. I’m not a good person, Avery, and you’ll soon realise it. I just don’t get why you came running to me after everything I put you through. Why you want to be with me when—”
“I love you, you idiot!”
Rowan stilled, blinking as he inhaled sharply. Shock drew upon his face as though he couldn’t quite believe those words had fled past her lips.
“I love you,” Ava repeated softly, taking another step forward until she finally stood before him. Close to him. She batted her tears away, a small smile spreading across her lips. “I know you want to be with me, too. I know you’re terrified of those feelings, and of what’s at stake when you commit to a serious relationship. But we’re not your parents, okay? We’re us. We’re everything. We’re an entire galaxy, and you know it.”
“Say that again,” he asked, almost inaudibly.
Ava chuckled. “I love you, Rowan. You’re my best friend. I’ve wanted a best friend my entire life, and it just makes sense that it’s you. You picked me up when no one noticed I had fallen.”
A sob erupted from the back of his throat, and he finally closed the distance by cupping her cheeks, setting her whole body to life again. She grabbed his wrists—coming home to her anchor—blinking out another stream of tears, tremors rattling through her body.
“Why?”
“You have the audacity to ask me why I’m in love with you? I could write an entire novel about how incredible you are, about how amazing and appreciated you make me feel. You are fully loved, and it’s hurting me that you don’t realise it.”
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, over and over, dropping his forehead against hers. “I thought it was for the best to let you be free and see someone else.”
“It was the worst thing you could have done.“
“It’s been killing me,” he admitted, sniffling. “I’ve been trying to convince myself to let you go, but I don’t want to. I’m just trying to protect you.”
“From what?”
“From being fired,” he clarified. “You’re so passionate about your job, and it’s beautiful to see. I know we tend to forget about reality, but I couldn’t stand the thought of you being forced to leave because of our reckless decisions. Remember, it’s your job or me.”
Ava held his gaze. “And it’s you that I choose. Wasn’t I clear enough? Did you think we would’ve been able to work the rest of the season together and act like we were okay if we had called it quits?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t think it through.”
“Not your smartest move, Emerson.”
He sighed heavily, brushing a tear away from her cheek. “I’m aware. I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I really thought I had done something wrong,” she whispered, knitting her brows together. “If you feel too overwhelmed, or if you need space, I just want you to tell me. I will understand.”
He nodded. “Okay. It’s just that—” He paused to take a deep, tremulous breath in. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And all my life, I’ve been used to living in someone else’s shadow. I’ve been told, repeatedly, that I’m not good enough and I’ve always been the second choice. It’s destroying me, and I don’t want to be that person to you.”
When she cupped his broad neck, she could feel his steady pulse beneath her palms. “You’re my first choice. Always. Until the galaxy turns to dust. Until I draw my last breath. I promise.”
Rowan accepted her words when a tear freed itself. He kissed the inside of her wrist, evoking a trail of chills to roll down her spine. “You’re my whole world, too, you know. You’re even more than that. You’re my anchor. My everything. You keep me grounded. You make me feel like I’m enough despite all the mistakes I repeat.”
A sob tried to rise in the back of Ava’s throat. She cried quietly in relief because he still wanted her. Because that spark had never been extinguished—hadn’t even faltered. But she also cried with raw sadness, pained by the fact he still didn’t believe he was good and golden.
“Please don’t cry,” he murmured, kissing her cheekbone and collecting her tears one by one. “It’s killing me to see you like this. I’m a complete dickhead, and I know it. I really am sorry, Avery.”
“Don’t do this ever again.”
“I won’t,” he promised. “I swear I won’t. When you started giving me space to reflect on my thoughts, I was starting to get suffocated without you. It’s like I couldn’t really breathe unless I held you. And I don’t know why I tried to convince myself it was a good idea to tell you to go on a date with someone else. I punched a hole in the wall after I texted you earlier.”
Frowning, Ava grabbed his hand, causing him to wince. Reddish marks had already bloomed on his scarred knuckles, tiny splits cutting the skin open.
“You need to stop punching walls,” Ava murmured, pulling him towards the bathroom.
“It was either the wall or Tate’s stupid face. He tried to shake me to my senses.”
“What would we do without Tate’s sense of humanity?” she deadpanned, hopping on the counter.
Settling between her parted legs, the corner of his mouth tipped upwards as he allowed her to take hold of his warm hand. She dabbed disinfectant on a cotton pad before wiping his knuckles delicately. Like she was scared to hurt him even more. Like she wanted to make him comprehend, through the delicacy of the actions, that he was allowed to be treated as if he were made of porcelain.
Nothing was indestructible, but there was nothing such as being too broken. Ava had never thought of him as a hopeless man; she’d never wanted to fix him. All she wanted was for him to heal, embrace the wounds he wore akin to battle scars, and find the courage to move forward. Every step he had taken—whether with her or in his F1 career—was like a gold medal he could hang amongst his greatest achievements.
“Is Tate still here?”
“No,” Rowan answered quietly. “He knew you’d show up. I hoped you would.”
“I’d cross an entire ocean for you,” she whispered, finding his mesmerising gaze.
“So would I. The entire world.”
“I know.”
He slid his other hand on her thigh, applying a certain pressure. When he kissed the tip of her nose, she felt all the affliction that had invaded her body disappear. “What you make me feel is beyond comparison. What I feel for you is strong and powerful. Freeing, but so grounding all at once. You make me feel like the happiest man alive. I’m just afraid I can’t give you what you need.”
“Can you please stop saying that?” She threw the cotton pad away, trailing the tips of her fingers up his forearms, watching chills arise beneath her touch. “You’re a good man, Rowan. You make me feel seen, cared for, loved. You make me feel beautiful, and that’s a feeling I never knew before you. You’ve given me more than what I ever wished to have in a partner.”
A dimpled smile graced his features. “Good. You deserve an entire sky full of stars.”
She poked the little divot on his right cheek, mirroring his act of happiness. “I’ve missed this.”
“I’ve missed you.” His hands went from her legs to her hips, pulling her towards the edge. “Do you forgive me?”
“The only thing I was angry at was you shutting yourself off and pushing me away when there was no reason to. But all your feelings are valid when you’re with me, so of course I forgive you.”
“Thank you, sunflower.”
Toying with his silver chain, she bit the inside of her cheek. “I have a question…”
His fingers slipped beneath her blouse, setting her skin ablaze. “Anything.”
“Did you go out for drinks with Tate, hoping you’d be able to move on by—”
“I’m stopping you right there because the answer is no. No, I didn’t want to flirt with another woman. No, I didn’t speak with another woman. No, I don’t want anyone but you. I just went out to grab a beer or two to clear my head. Nothing else.”
“Okay. Sorry. You know how I tend to overthink when it comes to this.”
Rowan’s fingers cupped her chin delicately. When he started sauntering his tender gaze over her face, she felt like combusting under the intensity of his scrutiny. “There’s only you for me. There aren’t enough words to describe your beauty, but you know what I love most about you? It’s this,”—he tapped her temple, a smile touching his lips—“sexy brain. Your mindset, your resilience, the way you handle every situation with care. The way you see the good in everyone. The way you’re just so amazing.”
She lowered her stare before blinking, unable to control the torrent of emotions coming to mist over her eyes. “Thank you.”
The very instant Rowan brought his lips to hers, she felt sparks igniting on every inch of her skin. Setting her on fire. She gasped, as if she’d resurfaced after nearly drowning, just as he cradled her face to deepen the kiss.
Rowan moaned as though he couldn’t get enough of her. As though he felt alive and high on adrenaline, just by the simple tangle of their lips.
“Let me show you how much you mean to me,” he whispered against her mouth, brushing her jawline with the pad of his thumb.
“Please.”
He smirked. “So desperate.”
“So cocky.”
“You won’t be complaining when my cock’s inside you and making you scream while I fuck you into oblivion,” he droned, obliging her to wrap her legs around his waist. Effortlessly, he picked her up and walked them towards his bedroom.
Her fingers worked to unbutton his linen shirt, a soft chuckle flying past her lips when he pinched her bottom. “I think we should test out this theory.”
“I already know how it’s going to go.” Depositing Ava on the bed, he hovered above her, hands placed on either side of her head, letting his chain dangle in the air between them. “And I know I’m right.”
“You have such a massive ego,” she bit out, resulting in him scoffing softly.
“Oh, come on, I’m quite literally the best person you know.”
She smiled, and he stilled, as if her mere presence had paralysed him. He sat back on his heels, hands delicately caressing her jeans-clad shins as his eyes softened.
“You are,” Ava confirmed.
Rowan’s grin was akin to a ray of sunshine—procuring her an intense sensation of serotonin. “That’s what I thought,” was his smug response.
Pulling him towards her by hooking her pointer finger in his chain, she noticed his smile before their lips sealed for yet another breathtaking kiss.
She didn’t know how long they kissed, but all she knew was that she was lost in a complete haze of euphoria and desire.
Rowan’s hands were roaming all over her physique, like he was trying to convince himself she was real. Ragged breaths were echoing inside the room, their bodies trying to eliminate every shred of distance between them.
His fingers tangled with her hair just as his lips found her jaw, leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses down her neck. Tilting her head to grant him more access, she sighed, locking a leg around his hip and pulling him into her. Instantly, their hips started to roll in tandem, his hard erection pressing directly on her centre.
“Need you naked,” he mumbled, lips grazing at her collarbones.
Ava couldn’t form coherent phrases, so she only nodded. He pulled away, sitting up before grabbing the hem of her shirt to pull it over her head.
“So beautiful,” he whispered as her blouse got discarded on the floor. His perusal lingered on her breasts nearly spilling out of the lacy fabric, descending his gaze to her stomach.
He watched her with a starlit delicacy, a lover’s gaze so tender and filled with so much adoration, that the thought of hiding barely crossed her mind.
As he started unbuttoning her jeans, Ava watched how dark his eyes were, how his pupils had expanded with unrelenting lust.
When her pair of jeans joined her shirt on the floor, Rowan didn’t waste a second to worship her body by planting soft kisses all over her skin. Her throat. The swell of her breasts and the valley between them, making sure to give equal attention to her peaked nipples. Her stomach—every single inch, every single dip and curve. Her navel. Her thighs. Her shins. Up towards the inside of her thigh, making sure to leave a few marks—claiming her.
But there was no need to leave a trace on her skin when he’d been etched into her soul ever since the first time they touched.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, planting a kiss above her pulsing heart.“I can’t believe you’re mine.”
And there was something so innately beautiful about the way Rowan loved Ava so fiercely. Even if he hadn’t said those words out loud just yet, she could feel deep inside her bones that her sentiments were reciprocated. She wanted to believe they were.
“Rowan,” she breathed out when his lips grazed the hem of her underwear, the roughness of his beard burning her skin, yet making her want more.
He settled comfortably between her parted legs, a taunting smirk dancing on the corner of his mouth. “Patience, love.”
“Such a tease.”
“Such a brat,” he bit out, earning a scoff in response.
“Keep complaining, and I’ll leave you here with a raging hard-on.”
“Yeah, right.” Scoffing, he tugged her panties to the side, exposing her aroused core. “You’re dripping wet for me, baby. Ain’t no way you’re walking out of my house without getting off. Multiple times, preferably.”
The very instant he latched his lips around her swollen clit, Ava fell back on the pillows, a soft moan rising from the back of her throat. Rowan grunted, his tongue flicking fiercely around her clit as he kept his gaze on her.
Through the fog of pleasure nearly blinding her vision, Ava tried to maintain his challenging gaze, threading her fingers through his locks. She tugged at the roots when his tongue went flat out from her entrance to her sensitive bud, before he went back to devouring her.
Ava writhed, moaned, arched her back, and ground against his mouth until she came hard, breathing raggedly.
Rowan only stopped when her legs ceased to tremble. He rose up, grinning before leaning in to kiss Ava softly.
The taste of herself on his lips made more arousal pool in the pit of her stomach, and her burning desire for him nearly made her combust into a wildfire. She made haste to undress him without breaking their heady kiss, a few chuckles blending with the heavy sighs evaporating into each other’s mouths.
They broke apart to let Rowan shrug off the rest of his clothes.
And suddenly, time stood still. Everything around Ava shifted to a blurry semblance, her whole attention brought to his left pectoral.
She pushed herself on her elbows, trying to breathe and not let emotions consume her. “You’re such an imbecile.”
Rowan chuckled, his own eyes glittering. “I just went down on you, made you climax, and now you’re insulting me?”
“You tried to leave me, and you got a sunflower tattooed above your heart.” She sniffled, raising trembling fingers to feather-lightly trace his new tattoo. The fine lines and details were beautiful. He’d filled the blank space with a symbol that, perhaps, gave him peace and joy. “You’re an idiot.”
“I know,” he breathed out, grabbing her hand and guiding it to flatten it against his skin. His heartbeat was powerful—erratic. “I knew I wanted this done a few weeks ago.”
“Why?”
“After you showed me the stars and told me my constellation was one of the brightest. After you showed me your perfect body, showing you trust me enough to see you. After I just realised I feel everything for you… I just knew that I needed to fill the blank space.”
Carefully, she ran her finger around the tattoo without touching it. “It looks recent.”
His cheeks flushed. “You’re going to call me stupid again… But I had it done last night.”
“Last night? But—were you drunk?”
“Tipsy,” he corrected wryly. “I know, I know, it’s not good to get a tattoo when you have alcohol in your system, but drunken actions are sober thoughts.”
Knitting her brows together, she laughed. “That’s not the exact expression, but okay, lover boy.” She found his tender gaze again. “Why all of this? Getting this tattoo and then pushing me away?”
“I was just so confused. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and it’s scary, you know? Even now, I still think I don’t deserve to be loved, but I’m willing to learn and do this with you.”
“Thank you.” She brushed his jaw, smiling. “What’s the meaning of the sunflower, then?”
He mirrored her smile. “It’s a sign of positivity. Of something colourful despite the darkness surrounding me. And it’s a reminder of the girl who’s stolen my heart—the most special woman to have entered my world.”
Ava locked her lips to his, kissing him softly. “I love you,” she whispered against his mouth, and he shivered before retreating.
“I know.”
Ava wasn’t upset. Wasn’t disappointed because he hadn’t said the words back. She didn’t need him to, because she just knew he loved her beyond measure. She’d felt it weeks ago.
Their gazes locked when he wrapped his hand around the base of his erection, his free hand running from Ava’s knee to her hip.
“Get naked, baby,” he ordered, pumping slowly. She could see a bead of pre-cum leaking from the slit. “Now.”
Ava pulled the remaining pieces of clothing off her body, leaving her completely bare before Rowan’s eyes.
He’d seen her like this before, but there was something different in the way he was looking at her now. Something raw. Something real. Something unwavering and everlasting.
“Good girl,” he rasped, planting a hand next to her head when she was lying down again.
Without warning, he rubbed the tip of his shaft along her wet folds before entering brusquely, causing both of them to gasp and moan loudly.
“Yes,” Ava sighed, digging her nails into his shoulders as he started pounding recklessly into her.
“I’m the only one who fucks you this good.” He pulled out to the tip. Slammed back in. Wrapped a hand around her throat and forced her to look into his dark eyes. “You’re mine.”
Ava nodded, unable to contain her moans. “Yes.”
He applied pressure around her airway, his thrusts feral and uncontrolled. “Who do you belong to?”
“You,” she gasped, eyes rolling to the back of her head, her legs locking around his hips. The new angle made him whimper. “You,” she said louder.
“That’s my good fucking girl,” he praised. “You’re doing so well.”
Rowan released her throat as he slowed down yet kept his thrusts deep and hard. Taking one of her legs, he raised it until her ankle rested on his shoulder.
“Fuck,” he moaned at the new position. Slowly, he pulled out and rammed back in. “You feel so, so good, baby.”
He started circling her clit in sync with his rapid thrusts, the bed rattling against the wall. Ava rolled her hips to meet him halfway, fingers holding the bed sheets so tightly she knew her knuckles had turned white.
Rowan’s skin was shining with a thin sheen of sweat, his breaths heavy and bated.Whimpers loud, moans unrestrained.
“Say it again.”
“I—” A hard thrust made her moan. “Love—” Another harsh one. “You.”
His rhythm became animalistic, intent on rapidly sending her towards the pinnacle of pleasure.
“Come for me,” he encouraged as he felt her walls clench around his pulsing cock. “Let me see how pretty you look when you fall apart.”
When the pressure applied against her clit became nearly unbearable yet heavenly, Ava unravelled, moaning loudly. She chanted his name, over and over, completely at his mercy.
“Stunning,” he praised huskily, continuing to pump to help her ride down her euphoric high.
“Rowan,” she cried out, exhausted by her orgasm.
“I’m close.” He released her leg, slowing his pace down. “Can I come on your tits?”
“Wherever you want.”
“That’s right,” he said, pulling out to straddle her torso. “You’re mine. The only cum that’s going to fill that tight cunt of yours or cover this perfect body is mine.”
As he placed his slick cock between her breasts, he pushed them together with the help of his hands and started fucking them, slowly at first, until he found the perfect rhythm and angle.
Ava couldn’t help but find this thoroughly hot, bringing her hand between her legs as she watched his expression filled with pleasure. Lips parted, he was breathing heavily, beads of sweat falling down his temple, meeting the ones rolling down his toned chest.
“Does watching me fuck your tits turn you on?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
He rubbed her nipples, groaning. “You’ve got no idea how many times I wanted to do this.”
Ava was already close. Circling her clit rapidly, she moaned softly and encouraged Rowan to attain his high, too.
“You fuck me so good,” she praised sultrily. “Come for me.”
By the way his shaft was twitching and his breaths were starting to stagger, she knew he was close.He threw his head back, brows pinched together, and she watched his abdomen contract.
His pace picked up, and in unison, they came together, their raptured sighs a euphonious melody of utter pleasure.
“Sometimes I still can’t believe you’re mine,” Rowan murmured, tracing featherlight circles on her bare back. “I just look at you, and I’m in complete awe and adoration of the person you are.”
Ava looked up at him, watching the glow of the television illuminate his handsome face. “Really? Why?”
“Because you’re you,” he explained. “You’re this ambitious young girl who has such a bright aura. I’ve always been attracted to you, but I never thought you’d like me back.”
“Well, look at how the tables have turned.”
“I’m glad I kissed you back that day.”
Rowan kissed the tip of her nose, ecstasy etched on his face with the tops of his cheekbones rosy and the glint in his eyes sparkly.
“So, lover boy,” Ava started, a mischievous smile tugging her mouth upwards. “Want to be my boyfriend?”
Rowan threw his head back, exposing the strong column of his throat as he barked out a loud laugh. “Jesus, you’re so goddamn unexpected and unpredictable. I’m supposed to be asking you out.”
“You should’ve been quicker,” she protested.
He pushed her to lie down, pinning her wrists to the mattress and narrowing his gaze on her. “You did not just say that to an F1 driver.”
“I did.”
“You’re so annoying,” he muttered before engulfing her in a tight hug.
“Is this any way to talk to your girlfriend?”
Rowan hummed contently, and Ava felt whole. Complete. Safe. “Girlfriend. I like that.”