Chapter 23 #2
Jaxon purses his lips, considering it. “No touching, but I’ll run one toy while you do the other. Which do you want?”
He holds them out to me, and I’m thrown back to a memory of us at the baseball fields, Jaxon holding out two popsicles, one red, one purple, for me to choose between.
How did we get here?
I grab the massager out of his hands. This is going to be so fucking awkward.
“Excellent choice. Penetration is my specialty,” he says with a wink.
I laugh before the reality of this very awkward situation hits me square in the face.
“You want me to just…?” I mime touching myself with the toy.
He nods, his eyes darker than they were earlier. “Lie back on the bed.”
Because I have no better option, I do as I’m told, scooting up so my head is on the pillow.
“Good girl,” Jaxon says, while turning on some music on his phone.
When a song I recognize as one of his earliest ones—one before I stopped listening to his music—comes through, I let out a chuckle, and I force myself to take in his face: his bright eyes and the way the left side of his mouth pulls into a smirk.
“Pants off,” he commands, never taking his eyes from me. “But keep your underwear on.”
Fuck. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to get fucking almost naked in front of Jaxon? This feels like such a bad plan. Why did I ever—
“Come on, Izzy. I know it feels awkward now, but you’ve got this.”
I nod once. I can do this.
Before I can stop myself, I slide my jeans off, kicking my feet when they get tangled at the end.
I leave the black thong on, offering myself a sense of security, despite the lack of actual covering.
That’s what I get for foregoing my normal full-coverage underwear for the sake of pretending to be cool during tonight’s escapades.
I glance at Jaxon and realize he’s not unaffected by this. He’s staring at my face, but his pupils are blown wide.
It somehow gives me more confidence.
“Turn on the toy and touch yourself,” Jaxon says, his voice low.
I hit the button, though I can already feel myself overthinking this whole thing. Do I just go for it? Do I tease myself? The vibrator buzzing away in my right hand, I consider calling this off. It’s absolutely fucking ludicrous. I am not the type of girl who can just…do this.
“Iz,” Jaxon says, his voice a firm command to focus on the here and now. “Slide the toy up your right leg. Barely touch yourself before sliding down the other.”
So I do.
Following his orders makes this easier for me. I can almost pretend he’s there because he wants to be, not because he needs me for his career. Like he might actually enjoy this and get something out of it too.
I continue to follow his directions, playing with myself as the room melts away, Jaxon’s voice the only thing filling me.
A moan slips from my lips. The bed moves as Jaxon sits next to me.
He lubes up the toy, and heat crawls up my neck at the wet sound his hand makes as he strokes the pink dildo.
“Iz,” Jaxon whispers. “I’m going to fill you with this, and I need you to focus on the pleasure. Use your hips to tell me exactly where you want it.”
My underwear is pushed to the side and a thick length enters me. I’ve never been filled at the same time as I used a vibrator, and the dual points of stimulation are almost too much.
We find a rhythm, and I can feel my orgasm building.
I rock.
I jerk.
I find the bulletin board pinned above the desk in my room, and I try not to focus on it—but I do.
I lose the sensation that had been rolling through me.
Moving the toy, I try changing the vibration setting, but it’s no use. This has happened before. It’s that damn ledge. I know I won’t be able to go over it tonight.
Stopping the vibrator, I sit up, pushing Jaxon’s hand away. “I’m done,” I say.
“Okay,” he agrees, moving his hand and the toy from me while keeping his eyes trained on my face.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asks.
I let out a harsh laugh. “I hate to be that guy, but I told you so.”
He just sits there staring at me with a look akin to sympathy in his eyes. I fucking hate it.
“You’re right. But it seemed like you were enjoying it. Can you tell me when that stopped? Was it because of something you felt? Was it the song? Was it…I don’t know, my breath?”
“I just…I saw my sticky notes on my wall with everything I need to do, and my mind started to wander. I tried to chase the feeling, but I lost it. I’m sorry if this is more work than you were expecting,” I say, biting my lip to try to keep the tears at bay.
“We’ll get it next time,” Jaxon says, lying on the pillow next to mine. “I’m not giving up that easily.”
Tears track down my face. I want to tell Jaxon to go home. To leave me alone. I feel raw. And disappointed. And embarrassed. Very embarrassed. But I also don’t want to be alone. Or I at least don’t want Jaxon to leave me right now.
A feeling I will not be thinking about or naming right now.
“You know,” Jaxon says, “when I was at my first stop on my first tour I headlined, I fell down the stairs on the stage I’d been practicing on for the last two weeks?”
I turn toward him slightly. “Really?”
“Really.” He grabs his phone, clicking a few buttons. “Here. Watch this.”
Jaxon, on stage, falls, and when he pops up, making a face at the crowd, I laugh. “Nice.”
He looks at me quizzically. “You’ve really never seen that before?”
I shrug. “After you cut me from your life, I kept you from mine. I didn’t look you up. Didn’t talk about you. Nothing.”
“That’s fair,” Jaxon says.
I can tell he’s trying to keep his voice neutral, but there’s a hint of hurt in the way his voice gets just a bit lower, his eyes unable to hold mine.
“But there’s no time like the present,” I say, typing “Jaxon Steele most embarrassing moments” into the search bar.
I laugh at various videos of his missteps on stage, an interview where he accidentally says “fuck.” Jaxon laughs and tells me his side of the story, which is often just the fact that they edited it to make him look better, not worse.
Finally, I change my search, going full internet stalker as Jaxon watches. And damn. Jaxon Steele is an impressive individual—though I may still like the Jaxon Reid I knew better. Jaxon Steele is too…perfect.
But it’s also strange finding out about this entire stage of his life that I missed.
The one he purposefully excluded me from.
I know he had his reasons, but it still hurts.
I may understand why he left, but he could’ve reached out at any point along the way.
When he played in Colorado the first time.
When he won his first award. When his first song topped the charts.
Maybe I’m not quite over the hurt of it all yet.