Chapter Twenty-One
MARINA
PRESENT
I breathe deep as the ocean breeze tosses my hair over my shoulders. Singular grains of sand crunch underfoot as I bat a branch out of my way, shuffling down a bank until my feet land in the warm sand.
I swear I can feel the weight lift off my shoulders just as I wriggle my toes, letting the grains slip over my skin.
This is one of my favorite places to be, when my mind is spinning, when I’m tired, when all of life just gets a bit too much, this is where I come. And today, I need a little peace.
A deep sting has been building behind my eyes since I woke up this morning, the headache making me want to do nothing else but stay in bed.
Dread fills me knowing my period is coming up.
It feels like I’ve only just gotten over the lingering symptoms from my last one, but a bad headache and subsequent tiredness are always the first warning signs for me.
So I decided to turn my day around by coming down here.
I dip under another low branch, the view clearing in front of me.
Turquoise blue water spreads as far as the horizon, with greenery keeping this little alcove from view.
This little spot is one that isn’t well known by many people in Ruby Cove, and it’s the perfect place to escape without going too far.
After a few steps into the private heaven, my view is obscured by a head bobbing just above the water. I recognize it immediately.
Miles runs a hand through his brown waves before lying back in the water, floating on his back.
I take another step forward as my eyes catch on his abdomen floating just above the surface, the water sliding over the ridges of his abs when the small waves move past his body.
God, he’s even fitter than he was all those years ago.
My knees weaken at the sight of him, at the sight of the rigid V lines leading down to… not his swim shorts.
Oh my god. He’s skinny dipping.
I slap a hand over my open mouth and spin around, wanting to give the guy privacy, not that he even knows I’m here.
My mind has been on a loop for the last week, replaying my encounter with him in the forest. For a minute there, it felt like we were us, just Miles and Marina, before all the hurt.
And then it was like all of a sudden my mind slammed my memories in front of me, almost as if to say don’t you remember?
My head is like a broken tape recorder, playing me snippets of my conversation with May over and over again.
That was the first time I’ve ever admitted it—to myself or anyone else—that maybe I’m not as over him as I like to pretend I am.
And I don’t know why, but that made me so angry with myself, and with him too.
How dare he waltz back into my life, and how dare my stupid little heart let him affect me just the same way as he always did? Even after he crushed it.
I stand here, still, not sure exactly what to do. I should leave, but this is my spot. I don’t have to leave just because he’s here. This isn’t his spot, it’s not even his town. I shouldn’t feel like I need to be pushed out of my own town just because he’s here.
I turn back around, removing my hand from my mouth and striding toward the shoreline. I drop my bag in the sand, and Miles must feel my presence because his body drops beneath the water and his head moves to look at me.
“Oh,” he says. “Hey.”
His voice is unsure, like he’s not sure how to greet me. I don’t blame him.
“This is my spot.”
His brows draw together. “Sorry?”
“I came here to relax, I won’t be pushed out by you.”
He just smiles, like he’s not one bit surprised about the attitude I'm giving him. “I’m not trying to push you out, I didn’t know this was your spot.”
“Good, then you can get out so I can go for a swim.” I don’t know when I got this bold, and the look in his eyes suggests he’s thinking the same thing.
I can feel myself overreacting. I could go to any other spot, but this little cove is my place .
The place that I’ve been coming to since I was a teenager, back when things like book reports and school drama were my biggest worries.
But still, this was the place I'd come to clear my head, and right now I really need to clear my head.
“I can’t,” he says. “I, uh… I’m not wearing pants.”
“It’s not like it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” She’s feeling ballsy apparently.
Miles coughs. “I don’t think that’s relevant, nor is it a good idea for me to stride naked up this beach.”
“I can turn around.” I’ll do anything to have this spot to myself. I came here for a reason, I won’t let Miles spoil that for me. A small smirk creeps up his face as he takes me in, standing arms folded on the beach.
“What if I wasn’t done?” he challenges.
I tilt my head. “Were you?”
“Not really. If you wouldn’t have showed up, I don’t know how long I would’ve spent out here. Could’ve been hours.”
I squint my eyes against the sight of the hint of a smirk on his face. He’s enjoying this. I won’t give him the satisfaction of walking away, of him getting his way.
There’s no way I’m trekking back through that bush without getting in that water. If he wants this place to himself, he’s going to have to find another day, because I’m not leaving.
I grab the hem of my T-shirt and pull it over my head, followed by my denim shorts, leaving me standing in my skimpy black bikini, that leaves little to the imagination.
With the way that Miles’s eyes glitter at the sight of me, I have the feeling that instead of doing the opposite of what he wanted, I just walked right into his trap, but I’m too far gone to turn back now.
I stride towards the water, my body jolting when a small wave runs over my toes. I always forget how cold it feels at the first touch.
Miles watches me intently as I get deeper in. I flinch as the water crests the bottom of my breasts. “It gets better once you’re all the way in.”
“Yeah, I know.”
I take a deep breath before I drop beneath the surface and swim forward, pushing my arms through the water to propel me through the waves.
The feeling of my entire body being consumed by the water slows my heart rate, relaxing my mind a little bit as I swim until my breath runs out and I need to come up for air.
When I do, I’m a lot closer to Miles than I had anticipated. I puff out a breath as I take him in. We are so close that I can see every line that marks his face when he smiles. See the dimples that are ever so slightly peeking as he looks me over.
“How did you get even more beautiful?”
I close my eyes. “Miles,” I warn, even though I can’t stop myself from wondering that same exact thing about him. He’s magnetic, I can’t help it.
With my eyes still closed, I feel a knuckle graze my cheek. It should be cold considering the water coating it, but it’s warm. I force my eyelids to stay shut, not wanting to see the look in his eyes while he’s touching me, but not being able to shake him off either.
Miles has always had a warmth about him, this kind, and gentle aura that you just want to melt into and let it heat you up from the inside.
When I met him, I decided that was the best thing that a man could be: warm.
But I did that, I let his warmth consume me, until one day it burned, and I’ve been cold ever since.
But this touch, this moment, reminds me of how kind he can be, how easily I fell for him the first time, and how easily I could again. I could let go of that anger, let the waves carry it away right here and now; it would be so easy. But I can’t.
I wiggle my legs in the water, slipping from his reach.
“Marina.”
I finally open my eyes, and as soon as I do, I regret it.
The look in his eyes screams sincerity, honesty, and openness, and I know it’s real.
I know this man cares for me, he always has.
But that didn’t stop him from walking away, so maybe caring just isn’t enough.
Because the thing that I thought we always had was trust, but that’s long gone now.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he says. “I was stupid to think that walking away the way I did wouldn’t do exactly that, but at the time, that’s the only way I could have truly cut ties with you. I knew that if I saw you, if I looked into these hazel eyes, I would never have been able to walk away.”
“Please, don’t romanticise the way that you broke my heart,” I say.
He swims back into my space. “That’s not what I’m trying to do, I’m just—I’m trying to explain why I did what I did.”
“I don’t want to know why you did it.” His eyes are confused, as if he can’t even fathom why. “If I let you try to rationalise it to me…” I close my eyes again. “I won’t be able to stay this mad at you. And this pain, this anger? It’s the only thing keeping my head above the water right now.”
Everything feels so raw in this moment, like the salt water is stinging in an open wound, a wound that should’ve healed a long time ago.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I hope you believe me.”
“I believe you,” I open my eyes. “I just don’t forgive you.”
I’ve never been able to, in all these years, I’ve never been able to forgive Miles for what he did.
I tried to, I went through periods of time where I decided enough was enough.
Enough time had passed that I needed to let it go, let him go.
But I couldn’t. That feeling stayed buried away just like his T-shirt in the bottom of my wardrobe.
He nods. “It’s okay, I don’t expect you to. I just don’t want this tension between us to last forever. I don’t want you to hate me forever, we are going to be in each other’s lives now, we can’t avoid that.”
My heart sinks to the ocean floor beneath me. “I don’t hate you, Miles. I’ve never hated you, not even after what you did. I tried,” I scoff. “Didn’t work though.” I couldn’t forgive him, but I couldn’t hate him either. It was the universe’s fucked up version of torture for me.
“Sorry for that.”
The look on his face threatens to draw a smile from me, but I bury it deep. “When are you going back to work?” I change the subject.
The light in his face dulls. “A few days after Isla and Caio get back.”
I nod my head. Off he goes again. How does he live not knowing where he’s going to be in a month's time? Does he ever get over that instability? I feel unstable merely living in a tiny apartment and going on shitty dates, let alone never touching down for longer than a few days at a time.
It’s something I would’ve asked back then, but something I don’t feel like I can ask now.
I know he’d answer me honestly, that he wouldn’t hold back with me, but I can’t give him the illusion that I want to talk to him.
And I can’t let myself get carried away with him, not when I could so easily get swept back up into him .
“Where to this time?” I ask.
“Los Angeles.”
“For how long?” I can’t help myself. I’ll berate myself for it later.
He runs a hand through his hair, smoothing the wet strands over. “Only a few days before I’m back to my normal schedule.” He frowns, getting lost in thought. “I’m not sure if Wes is with me though,” he mutters to himself.
“Who’s Wes?”
Stop it, Marina, stop asking him about himself.
I can’t help it , can’t stop myself from wanting to know what he’s been doing all this time, who he’s been with, if he’s dated anyone. If he’s been in love since us… I know I haven’t.
Any man I’ve ever been with has never compared to Miles, not even close.
I try not to compare, but it’s hard not to when I know what it feels like to be so wholly consumed by someone.
And I’ve never felt a fraction of what I felt with Miles with anyone else, but maybe he has.
Maybe there is someone who made him feel more than I did.
But there can’t be anyone right now, not with the way he’s being with me. That’s the one thing I latch onto in the spiral my mind is currently following, thinking about Miles with other women.
Miles chuckles. “He’s my first officer and my co-pilot, for most of my off-duty flights anyway. I guess you would say he’s my best friend.”
“You never really had one of those.” The words just spill out, I’m hopeless.
“Not until you.” His eyes grow sad again, and I feel my face drop.
“Sorry,” he waves a dismissing hand between us. “Look I just wanted to say that I’ll respect your boundaries, I’m sorry if I haven’t done that before now.”
I tip my head. “Miles, I—” I don’t know what to say. I can’t backtrack now. Space is exactly what I asked for, even though I keep walking in on his.
“It’s okay.” He smiles, a small, sad smile, before he begins to swim towards the shore. “I’ll leave you to your spot.”
Now that he’s leaving, I don’t know if I’ll find any peace here. I watch him as he wades through the shallow water.
He turns to see me watching him with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Turn around.”
“Oh!” I spin around. It slipped my mind that he was skinny dipping this entire time.
I hear the sound of the waves lapping around his ankles as he walks out of the water, and I can’t help it.
I slowly turn around and see his bare ass staring back at me.
I take a second to admire it, admire him.
God, he’s fit. I wonder if he’s still boxing?
The broad set of his shoulders and hard lines of his back suggest so.
He used to say it was the one thing that could take his mind to another place, I wonder if it’s still an escape for him.
The sight of his body shining with salty water reminds me of a day four years ago when he was hovering over me, his body dripping wet like it is now.
But instead of walking away from me, he was walking me to his bedroom.
It was the first time we had been together, but it felt like my first time full stop.
I’d never experienced sex truly, not like that. Not until him.
His head starts to turn and I whip around in the water, hoping he missed the movement. I swear I hear him chuckle before a loud wave interrupts my eavesdropping. I swim a little further out, letting the current hold the weight of my body.
“Goodbye, Marina.” The words hit me like a slap in the face. A harsh wave crashing over me like a reminder.
I don’t turn around when I say, “Bye, Miles.”