Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
Based on what I knew about his parents back when we first met, his career is put before everything. They had similar ideas for Isla, wanting her to follow in her dad’s footsteps and work in his accountancy firm when all she wanted to do was paint. And she’s damn amazing at it.
“Why would you put yourself in a position to be injured so badly you couldn’t work, darling?
” The words may sound innocent, but I can almost taste the venom they’re laced with, the bite that is coated in sugar.
“You have just earned your seat as captain. You made it, sweetheart. Why would you jeopardise it?”
“I didn’t intend to get hurt this badly, Mom. Do you think I want to be stood down for over six weeks?”
With that one comment, my head spins. It hurts me in a way I know is irrational, but the sting is still there.
He doesn’t want to be here. If he hadn’t gotten pommeled by Boulder, he’d be on a flight back home—-wherever that is for him these days.
He’s not staying for me, but I’m staying here at his bedside for him anyway.
“You need to come home, we can look after you?—”
“I have people here, Mom.” His gaze is locked on mine. Why is this all so confusing? So messy?
“Isla is busy with Caio and her painting, we can help you get back on your feet.” He doesn’t say he has someone else, someone who has been waiting by his side for days, just waiting for him to open his eyes.
“You need to focus on what’s important here, recovering as best you can so you can get back in the captain’s seat as soon as you’re better. ”
I feel sick as I sit here silently. I try to imagine my own parents in this situation.
They wouldn’t even ask about work, knowing them they would organize cover for my shifts and wouldn’t speak a word of it to me.
All they would care about is how I feel, and helping me get better because they love me, not because they wanted me to get back to work.
Miles stays silent, but the silence could be taken in so many different ways. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say while I’m sitting right here, maybe he’s regretting putting his phone on speaker. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say, but I can’t sit here in the silence any longer.
I shoot out of my seat, barely looking him in the eye as I escape out the door into the brightly lit hallway. I just need to take a breath.
“Marina!” I hear his voice echo once I lean back against the wall just outside his room.
I close my eyes to the light, taking deep breaths.
Emotions run through me like a twisting waterslide.
The memories of that night I banged on his door until my fist bled, the pain and grief I felt that I couldn’t compare to anything else.
The terror from only nights ago. The love that has haunted me for years.
The yearning and desperation. The hint of warmth I feel every time he touches me.
It’s all too much. He can’t just leave again .
But he can.
He could easily pack up and head home tomorrow, and I’d be left once again, feeling as empty as I did four years ago. I’d like to pretend this time would be different, that I’m stronger. But I think it would almost hurt more.
I don’t know what he was going to say to his mom just now, but I didn’t want to hear it, just in case it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Because all I want to hear is that he will stay, even if it’s only for six weeks.
A cramp pierces my lower belly, making me wince and hold a hand to it.
The stress of the last few days has made me numb all over, even to my period pains, but today my body is awake and it’s stabbing me.
“ Oh my god, ” I mutter under my breath, trying to make my stomach as small as possible while standing.
“Marina?” Sofia’s voice floats over to me, and when I look up, I see her walking down the hall towards me. “Are you alright?”
I wave a hand. “Yeah, no, I’m fine.” I give a weak attempt at a smile. “It’s just my period cramps.”
“Come with me,” she holds a hand out. “I’ll get you some ibuprofen.”
“Don’t bother,” I say, trying to stand up straight but hunching once more when another cramp rolls through, my back beginning to ache as I stand here.” It doesn’t even scratch the surface.”
“It doesn’t help at all?” Her eyes are narrowed in concern.
I shake my head. “I guess it used to, when I was younger. But for years now no. I just have to grin and bear it,” I try to joke. “And by grin and bear it, I mean pull a Houdini for a few days until it comes right.”
She looks over me with concern, like she’s searching for something.
“Can you come with me?” she asks. “I just have a few questions for you, can you walk?”
I nod, pressing off the wall and slowly following Sofia down the hallway. “The cramps last for days?”
“Yeah, of course,” I say .
She tips her head in a nod. “And after that, are you okay? Do you feel back to normal once the bleeding stops?”
“Uhh…again, not since I was a teenager. Now I don’t feel like myself for at least a week after. I just get so tired, I can barely function.” She raises her brows in understanding. “So no, not back to normal for a while.”
“And the pain, it’s not manageable?”
I just shake my head as she walks us into an examination room and takes a seat behind the desk, prompting me to sit in the one opposite her. “Not with any over-the-counter painkillers.”
She just nods again. W hy do medical professionals nod so much?
“Any other symptoms that you didn’t use to have? Nausea paired with the cramps, maybe? Or bad headaches? Is your bleeding heavier now?”
“I’ve always had headaches,” I say. “And it’s only gotten heavier with age. Sometimes nausea, yeah. Not every time though. That’s normal though, isn’t it?”
“It can be, yes. But paired with the unbearable pain and heavy bleeding, maybe not.” Her tone makes my heart rate pick up, and like my insides are listening, another jab to my uterus catches my attention. “Are you on birth control, Marina?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been on it before?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Okay.” Another nod. She tucks her dark hair behind her ear, almost like she’s distracting herself from what she’s about to say. “Have you heard of Endometriosis?”
“Of course I have,” I say. “But I don’t have that.”
Her eyebrows pull close. “Have you been tested for it?”
“Well, no. But I don’t think I have endometriosis, Sofia.”
She leans her elbows on the desk. “Why is that?”
I don’t know what to say. Surely I would know if I had a real problem like that. Wouldn’t I?
“A regular period doesn’t leave you bedridden for days. Regular period pains are manageable with an Advil and a heat pack. That’s not what you are experiencing. It’s not what I experienced either.”
“You?...”
Another nod, this one paired with a soft smile. “I’ve got suspected endometriosis.”
“What do you mean suspected?” I ask. That whirlwind of emotions is back, this time fear, uncertainty, and nausea are twisting up inside of me.
“Endometriosis is something that fails to have a wealth of knowledge behind it. Many women live with it, but can’t be diagnosed without many appointments and scans, most can’t be diagnosed without surgery.”
“Surgery?” One is enough for now.
“A surgery that is very, very expensive, and many women don’t have access to it, which means there are millions of cases of suspected endometriosis.”
“And you think I might have it?”
“You have the standard symptoms, Marina.” I chew on the inside of my cheek, my hands cradling my stomach. “I’m not trying to scare you, okay? Only help you maybe find the reason why your periods are so depleting.”
Now it’s my turn to nod, but I can’t get one screaming question out of my head. “Can it affect your fertility?”
I couldn’t imagine going through life, finally finding someone to have children with, and then not being able to make the family I’ve always dreamed of. The thought cuts deeper than I care to admit. All I’ve ever wanted was to create something of my own, to create a family, to be a mother.
This can’t steal my chance.
Sofia’s eyes soften with sympathy. “In a few cases, it can.” My heart falls, I swear I hear the thud when it hits the bottom of my stomach.
“But many women with endometriosis have fallen pregnant and had healthy babies, okay?” She reaches across the table, holding her hand out for me and I don’t hesitate to grab onto it.
This is a woman who knows this fear, knows this pain and she’s here.
“There are ways to manage this, you have options, okay?” Why are my eyes getting misty?
“I can arrange an appointment with the doctor for you in the next few days while you’re already here if that’s something you want. ”
All I can do is nod. Sofia squeezes my hand before booking me an appointment on her computer while I sit here with a bouncing knee and another wave of nausea rolling through me.