Chapter Thirty-Five
MILES
PRESENT
“I want to show you something.”
I look up from the book in my lap with a jolt, my gaze shooting to where Marina stands in the doorway to my room at the Lost and Found.
My heart doesn’t stop its racing when I see her, it just changes its rhythm.
“What are you doing here?” I ask with a little smile, wondering what she’s doing here at ten p.m. “And how did you find my room?”
She just shrugs. “Donna told me.”
Okay, so no sense of security here, then.
“We are going to need your truck though,” she says. “So I hope you trust my driving skills.” She’s avoiding my question, a little smile on her face as she leans her hip against the doorframe.
I don’t trust her driving skills one bit, not after she stalled a record number of times on our drive from Hotel Dolce back to Marina’s, but I'll take any excuse to be near her right now.
I’ve been enjoying this little friends game we’ve been playing lately.
This dance of being close but not too close, just teetering on the edge of those boundaries.
It makes me feel light, like the weight of our past is being lifted little by little with every small smile I pull from her, every quiet glance shared between us in a crowded room.
But I'm not naive enough to believe it will all just disappear. I know we need to talk more, but the time for that will come when it’s right. I don’t want to push her or put pressure on this.
“Are you coming, or what, hotshot?”
I just shake my head, sliding my bookmark in between the yellow pages and pushing off the bed. Of course I'm going.
Marina just smiles a proud little smirk. “Oh and bring a jacket,” she says before she turns and escapes down the hall.
Considering her track record for her driving skills, we’ve had a somewhat smooth drive since we left Ruby Cove, that is, until we drive through an open gate and into a grass paddock. The car wobbles from side to side as Marina drives us up a slope.
I just chuckle when my head nearly hits the roof of the car. “Where are you taking us?”
“Just a couple of minutes,” she says, a glint in her eye as she looks over at me. I lap up every single look that she sends my way, my heart begging for any attention she’s willing to give me. It’s pathetic, but I’ll gladly be that for her.
A flash of white appears out of the corner of my vision. “Shit! Watch out!”
Marina’s wide eyes jump forward before she swerves, the car bouncing over bumps in the paddock, my ass coming off my seat before she slams on the brakes. Fear surges in my throat as both of us fly forward.
My heartbeat booms in my ears, and it sounds far too fast. Near misses always send dread pumping through my veins. It’s like a sick reminder from the universe to pay attention.
I blow out a breath, my mind replaying the blurry memory of just a moment ago. Of how quickly things can switch. Of the look of terror in my girl's eyes.
My hand is on the dashboard as I catch my breath. I look over to see Marina, her head against the headrest and her eyes closed as she breathes deeply, her hand on her heart.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
Her chest is rising and falling with pace, her eyes still closed. “Fucking sheep.”
A laugh bursts from my throat, the adrenaline falling from my tongue. Marina just shakes her head, a smile on her lips as her shoulders shake.
She lifts her hands to the steering wheel after a moment, and she grips the worn leather to stop the trembling. My heart cracks as I watch her try to calm down.
I reach over, taking one of her hands in mine and squeezing it tightly. “You’re alright,” I say, half expecting her to slide her fingers out of my grip, but she doesn’t. “I can drive the rest of the way if you want.”
Even if I have to do it one-handed.
She just shakes her head. “No, we can just do it here.” She squeezes my hand in return before letting go and opening her door.
I stay stuck there for a moment, relishing in the feeling of her skin on mine. She’s been letting me get away with touching her more than I thought she would, and I revel in it every single time.
I follow suit, jumping out of the car and letting the cool evening air hit my face. I breathe in the smell of animal droppings and listen to the sound of birds and insects chirping around us. “Why are we out in the country?”
A small smile picks at the corner of Marina’s mouth as she reaches into the back seat, pulling out a blanket she had packed without me noticing.
It reminds me of the quiet smiles she used to give me when we first met, like she wants to grin but she’s holding it in, letting her eyes sparkle with her amusement instead. I’m aching to see her wide smile, the one she used to beam at me all the time, but I know I need to earn it.
“We’re at the outskirts of Heath’s farm,” she says as she lowers the tailgate, laying the blanket down in the bed of my truck. “I like coming out here sometimes when I need a quiet moment.”
I just nod as she hops up, her feet swinging just off the ground. I use my good arm to lift myself up next to her, watching her as she looks down at her feet. She seems quiet tonight. I don’t know if it was the near miss or something else, but I can feel her uncertain energy wrapped around me.
“You needed a quiet moment tonight?”
Her gaze finally meets mine. “Yeah, and to watch the stars.” She lies back on the blanket, resting her arms over her stomach as she looks up to the sky in wonder.
I lay down beside her, surprised when I see just how clear the night sky is above us. “Wow.”
“Right?” She shifts beside me, our heads mere inches apart. “This is why I like to come out here.”
“It’s beautiful,” I say.
It’s so clear you can see every star glinting in the sky. It feels like you’re looking at the whole galaxy.
I can see why a place like this helps Marina clear her head. It’s almost like it puts everything into perspective.
There is so much going on all around us—even above us. We are such a small part of this world, of this universe, and we only get one shot at this life.
Our lives are just a fleeting moment, like a star shooting across the sky, we have to make the most of it. Live it to the fullest and all of those other adult inspirational sayings.
As I sit here staring up at the sky, I can't say that is how I've lived my life. I can’t tell myself that I've embraced every moment, taken every good thing, and cherished it. I find myself wishing I had.
I feel like I've spent the last twenty-nine years walking around with blinders on, focusing on one thing and one thing only, when in reality, life is so much more than one thing—at least it should be.
I can’t help but wonder if this injury is exactly what the universe had planned for me. If it's the world telling me to slow down, to look around me and see what I’ve been blind to for all this time.
“Having an existential crisis over there?” Marina’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
I exhale a laugh. “Just a little bit.”
“This place does that.” She shuffles closer to me, her head resting just above my shoulder. “Sometimes I leave feeling so much better, and other times I leave filled with a head full of spiralling thoughts.”
My right arm is laying across my body, my sling holding it in place with my hand just above my heart, and I can feel it beating in my chest, far slower now than it was in the car. It’s a steady rhythm, and in this moment it feels like a reminder that it’s still there, just waiting to be full again.
“I thought you might need a quiet moment too,” she whispers.
I think this might be exactly what I needed, even if I didn't know it. I tip my head down an inch, my cheek resting on the top of her head. “Thank you.”
We are quiet for a while, but it doesn’t feel awkward, or uncomfortable, or like one of us needs to fill the silence. It feels comforting.
I think I've always felt that way around Marina—comfortable. Maybe that's why I was able to be so bold just a day after meeting her by kissing her senseless in her bar. I think she’s always felt that way with me too, and maybe that’s why she kissed me back.
But we've always felt at peace in each other’s company. It’s something I don't think I've ever shared with someone else, at least not so quickly. It feels nice to fall back into that comfortability, even if things are different now.
“Can I ask you something?” she says quietly.
“Of course you can. ”
She’s quiet for a second, like she’s contemplating whether she really wants to ask it. “How can any of this work?” she whispers. “How can we work?”
The question makes me pause. I wasn’t expecting it from her right now, not after her suggestion that we start as friends. I know I've been pushing that boundary, but I have had no idea what’s been going on in that head of hers.
“I thought we were just friends?” I say. She pushes her head up into mine and I just chuckle before settling back into her.
“I know that you said things will be different this time, but how can they be? Nothing has changed.”
“I’ve changed.” The words fall from my tongue before I can think twice.
Marina sits up, spinning around until she’s leaning on her forearms and looking down at me. “What do you mean?”
I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just a feeling.
I take a deep breath before attempting to put it all into words.
“I didn’t know what I wanted back then. All I knew was how hard I had worked for the life I was living, and that's what I clung to. That's what I used to justify my leaving, even after the fact.” I force myself to hold her gaze while I talk, letting her see the raw vulnerability in my gaze. “But I didn’t realize that the life I was living was so dull until you weren’t in it anymore. ”
She doesn’t speak, as if she doesn’t want to pull me off whatever track I'm following. She just nods, signalling for me to carry on as she watches me intently, her hands cradling her chin.
“I’m not pretending that I have all of the answers now, because I don't. But I know more now than I did then.”
“Like what?” she breathes.
I take another breath before looking up at the sky.
My heartbeat under my palm is far quicker than it was earlier.
“I think that maybe I've just been floating through life, you know? Just following the path that was set out for me and never straying. But you made me want to stray, and I think for the first time in a while, I felt alive.” It sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but I know she’ll understand me.
“That scared me back then, I didn't know what to do with it,” I say. “But now, I want to chase that feeling, I want to chase you, because you’re the thing that makes me feel that way. You make me feel alive.”
I finally look back over at her and see the single tear sliding down her face that she quickly wipes away.
“I don’t know what it means for my job—right now I’m stuck without one anyway. All I know is that I can’t go back to the life I was living. I can’t let you go, not ever again.”