Chapter 14 #2
Before I could find the words, or any words really, to ask him why, the server returned with our food. My brain was so busy with thoughts and feelings about what Elijah just told me that I ate on autopilot, barely tasting the food that I usually love so much.
“What about your art?” I asked after a few moments.
Elijah made sculptures out of wood, metal, and other materials. I would have expected them to be rough, almost industrial in nature, but they weren’t. They were often delicate and sensual. Some were almost whimsical, which completely at odds with the intensity of his personality.
“What about it?” he asked.
I suppressed the urge to scowl at him. He avoided the subject of his art with me from the beginning.
That should have been the first red flag that he wasn’t invested in a relationship with me.
What artist didn’t talk about their passion?
It was an integral part of who they were.
The fact that he wouldn’t even discuss it with me revealed how much he wanted to keep distance between us.
“How will you have time to create pieces for your own shows and sales?” I pressed.
He shrugged as he ate. “I’ve been working at night a lot.”
As I studied him, I realized that the dark circles beneath his eyes matched mine. But why would he be having trouble sleeping?
When my belly was full, I put down my fork and pushed my plate away. Elijah had finished his meal while I ate and sat watching me, one hand wrapped around his glass and the other resting in his lap.
I patted my mouth with a napkin before I leaned back in my seat. Then I asked the question that seemed to be on repeat in my mind. “Why?”
“Why what?”
Gah! I wanted to throw my fork at him. Why was he answering all my questions with questions? It was frustrating as hell.
Instead, I took a steadying breath and asked for the information I truly wanted to know.
“Why did you decide to purchase the gallery with Marcus after the way things ended? Why would you want to work with me every day when it’s clear that I need time to move on?
” I paused, dropping my eyes to my plate.
“Don’t you realize that it’s hurting me to see you every day after… ”
I hated the hesitancy in my voice, but I had to be honest. It was the only way to make him understand.
Elijah leaned forward, setting his glass aside and sliding his hand across the table toward me.
I looked up at him then and winced at the expression on his face.
I kept my body away from the table. Away from his hand.
“No, Gigi. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
“Then, why are you doing this?” I asked. My voice cracked.
“I made a mistake.”
“Buying the gallery was a mistake?” Now, I was really fucking confused.
Elijah shook his head. “No. I made a mistake that last night at your apartment. I should never have said the things I did.”
“If you were being honest, you should—”
“I wasn’t being honest. Not with myself, and not with you.”
I gaped at him. I had no response for that admission.
He looked down at the table, his fingers fiddling with the napkin in front of him. “When we saw each other after the wedding, that’s what I thought I wanted. What I expected. But the longer I was with you, the less I wanted what I always had.”
“Then why did you—” I cut myself off. I almost asked him why he broke my heart. He didn’t need to hear that. My heart was my responsibility.
“I told myself that I wasn’t ready for anything serious. That you were too young for me.”
I almost scoffed at that. Eleven years wasn’t that large of an age difference, and we both knew it.
“The truth is that I don’t know how to do this, Gigi.
I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship.
My parents were…” He paused, as though he was searching for the right words.
“They were not good role models in terms of commitment. There was cheating, yelling, fighting, and a lot of toxicity before they finally divorced. After that, it didn’t get much better because they both moved on to other partners, and the cycle began again.
They were both incredibly dysfunctional.
It didn’t help that I managed to end up in a relationship with a woman named Sydney.
Our dynamic was a great deal like theirs during college.
I should have seen the red flags when we first got together, but I thought those traits were just normal. ”
I found myself nodding as he spoke. Though I’d never experienced it myself, I understood what he was trying to explain.
“After Sydney, I decided I wasn’t going to put myself through any of that again. I was done with relationships. Friends with benefits or casual flings from there on out.”
I couldn’t control my flinch at his words. I opened my mouth to say I understood—that we didn’t have to continue this conversation, but he shook his head.
“Please, Gigi. Let me finish.”
I took a deep breath and nodded.
Elijah sighed. “Then, I started spending time with you. You were so…different from the women I had flings with and from Sydney. From my parents. You were always honest about what you thought and what you felt. You don’t play games or manipulate.
” He laughed softly. “Being with you was the most peaceful I’ve ever felt.
It was like finding my home at thirty-six years old.
And to be blunt, it scared the shit out of me. ”
“I don’t understand.”
“You were everything I didn’t know that I needed, and I had no idea how to be the kind of man you deserved. I knew I was going to fuck it up. Maybe not right away. Maybe not even in a year or two. But eventually.”
He was saying exactly what I expected a commitment-phobe to say. My skepticism rose.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “So, what changed in the past few weeks?”
I didn’t even try to hide my disbelief. Elijah’s jaw clenched as he studied me, but instead of getting angry, he seemed to deflate.
“I realized that I was never going to have a happy life if I didn’t figure my shit out. I found a therapist, and I’ve had several virtual sessions now. I’m learning some things about myself. And about how to be a good partner.”
I didn’t expect that response at all.
“I was hoping that we could…” He hesitated. “Not try again. But maybe..start over?”
I uncrossed my arms and rested my hands on my lap. I ran my left thumb over my right thumbnail. “Start over how?”
“Dating. Getting to know each other. Starting a relationship that could grow into much more.”
His blue eyes burned into mine as he answered my question. His words were as sincere as his expression. And they made my chest tight.
“In secret?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Of course not.”
“You’re comfortable with our mutual friends knowing that we’re dating?”
He nodded.
“So, you told Marcus about me before you two purchased the gallery?”
His silence was the only answer I needed. I knew he hadn’t. There was no way Marcus would have gone along with the plan if he’d known. It opened both of them up to a possible lawsuit. Especially since Elijah was pursuing me now that it was done.
I wouldn’t have sued either of them, but Marcus was pragmatic and shrewd. He would never risk it.
His next words shocked me, though.
“I did. The whole thing was the crazy bastard’s idea to help me win you back.”
I gaped at him. “What?”
Elijah nodded, looking sheepish. “I talked to him the night of Yancy’s rehearsal dinner, and he came up with this insanity.
I tried to tell him that you would probably quit on the spot when you found out, but he insisted it would all work out.
” He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.
“I was so desperate that I was willing to try anything, even though I knew it was probably a horrible idea. I just wanted to be able to see you again.”
I wasn’t sure if I was flattered or pissed off. He’d spent what was likely an ungodly amount of money for a chance to be my boss and see me every day.
Unable to discern my true feelings, I tabled the conundrum for later. I would parse through the complicated emotions when I was alone. Right now, I wasn’t ready to risk giving him what he wanted. The pain was too fresh, too sharp.
I leaned forward, folding my forearms on the table. “I’m glad that you’re taking the time to learn about yourself and to understand why you’ve avoided commitment.”
“But?”
Glad he’d intuited I had more to say, I continued, “You’re manipulating me to get what you want. You’re still doing one of the things that led us to where we are.”
He blanched at my words.
I took pity on him and said, “Even if that wasn’t the case, I still think it’s best if we leave things as they are.
You’re still figuring out what you want, and I—” I stopped to clear my throat.
It was suddenly tight and ached. “I’m not sure I could trust you to tell me what you’re thinking and feeling before it becomes an issue. ”
“Please give me a chance, Grier. I promise I won’t need another.”
“I—”
He leaned forward, and I stopped speaking. “Give me a chance to prove that I’m serious. I miss you. And I…I need you.”
God, this was so hard. It hurt to do it, but I shook my head. “I really am sorry if it hurts you, Elijah, but I’ve made up my mind.”
My chest ached as he looked at me, his eyes conveying everything he was feeling.
I knew he meant what he said, but people usually did.
I’d learned to recognize lies. He was being honest. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t go right back to old behavior if I caved.
I’d faced it often growing up and even as an adult.
Classmates, boyfriends, and many others—they would all apologize when they made mistakes and promise to do better.
And they usually meant it. But it wouldn’t be long until they were right back to their old ways.
At least for most of them. A few of them had changed, but not enough to inspire my confidence in Elijah’s words.
“Will you give me a chance to at least try to change your mind? Please.”
My conviction wavered. I wanted to give in. I wanted to hope again. To believe that he would follow through and we could build something special. Elijah saw my hesitation, but he didn’t push as I expected him to. He didn’t steamroll me until I agreed. He sat back.
“Will you think about it this weekend? I don’t want you to make the decision under pressure, but with a clear head.”
The fact that he was backing off and letting me have time to think about what he was asking put a huge crack in the wall I’d built between us. Shit.
“Okay,” I agreed.
I already knew that I was going to say yes. I just needed a couple of days to obsess and overthink it.
“Will you respond if I text you this weekend?” he asked.
It was crazy, but that was one of the things I missed the most about our time together. Getting his messages at odd times of the day, knowing that he was thinking about me, even if it was something silly or an inane observation.
I nodded my agreement. The smile that stretched across his face shifted something inside me. I felt the tiny spark of hope ignite within me and prayed that it wasn’t misplaced this time.