Chapter 7
Joy
THE THURSDAY TRAILER JUST DROPPED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!
Honny
Oh my God, Cherry—are you seeing this??
It’s even worse than we thought.
Joy
It’s so much worse that it’s BETTER!!!
I mean, the actress playing Baby!! I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!
Honny
That girl isn’t even fat—she just has a big head.
Joy
She’s Hollywood fat, probably a size 6.
Honny
I think she might be wearing padding . . .
Joy
NO!!!
Honny
Yes! Watch it again, and look at her butt!
Joy
AHHHHH! You’re right!!
This is problematic! I’m offended!!!!
Faith
You are so much prettier than this actress, Cherry.
Joy
Like a thousand times prettier!!!
But Jesse Plemons is WAYYY hotter than Tom!
Honny
Agreed.
Faith
Oh, I don’t think so . . .
Joy
OF COURSE Tom made sure that a handsome actor was playing him . . .
Honny
IS Jesse Plemons handsome? When Cherry said it was the guy from Friday Night Lights, I thought she meant the other one. Tim
Riggins.
Joy
WHY WOULD TIM RIGGINS PLAY TOM??? I AM DYING!!!
Honny
You should be flattered that this actress is wearing padding, Cherry. Your butt is inimitable. They had to use special effects,
and they still couldn’t match it.
Joy
I kind of wanted Melissa McCarthy to play Cherry :(
Faith
You mean to play Baby.
Honny
Melissa McCarthy is too old—and now she’s too skinny. Ozempic strikes again.
Faith
That’s unconfirmed. Maybe she lost it the old-fashioned way.
Honny
Starvation?
Joy
Melissa McCarthy would have been great—she has Cherry’s dimples!
Honny
Melissa McCarthy has your dimples, Joy. Get over yourself.
Joy
Cherry and I have the SAME dimples!!
Faith
Doesn’t it feel kind of weird to watch real people play these characters?
Honny
Were you expecting a cartoon, Faith? We knew that the movie wasn’t animated.
Faith
I don’t know what I was expecting . . . I’m so used to seeing the characters in a comic strip, and then suddenly there they
were on screen—real people. But not the *actual* real people. It kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies.
Joy
CHERRY, WHERE ARE YOU?? HAVE YOU WATCHED IT YET???
Honny
Text her, Joy.
Maybe she has the group chat muted.
Faith
Shouldn’t we be talking about all this on the “SISTERS” thread, with Hope?
Honny
No dice—this is a fat-girl-only conversation. No skinnies allowed.
Faith
You can’t say that about everything, Honny.
I don’t like having a group chat called “NO HOPE.” It’s perverse.
Honny
I only named it that so that we don’t accidentally hurt Hope’s feelings!
Joy
What size do you think Hope is these days? Maybe a 12 or 14?? Does that count as “skinny”???
Honny
Skinny enough! I haven’t been a size 14 since sixth grade.
Faith
None of us have, Honny!
Honny
Well, I rest my case!
Joy
CHERRY! Where are you??? We are DYING to talk to you about this trailer!!
Honny
You shouldn’t mute the group chat, Cherry. What if something happened to Mom?
Faith
If something happens to Mom, you guys better use the other thread!
Today 9:10 AM
Cherry
If something happened to Mom, I hope you would CALL.
Joy
CHERRY!!!! THERE YOU ARE!!
Honny
I can’t believe you left us hanging for 14 hours!! Have you watched the trailer yet?
Cherry
Nope. And I’m not going to.
Joy
What?? You HAVE to watch it!!
Cherry
I don’t HAVE to do anything but pay my bills and feed Tom’s dog.
Faith
Cherry! Where were you last night? We were worried.
Cherry
I went to a concert, and then I went to sleep. Unburdened by Tom’s movie trailer.
Honny
I’ll bet you were still burdened . . .
Faith
You went to a concert?
Joy
The actress playing you is all wrong, Cherry!! We think she’s wearing padding. And she has hollow eyes :(
Faith
She means the actress playing Baby.
Honny
Oh, she’s definitely wearing padding. They scoured the whole of Los Angeles to find someone bigger than a size 2, and all
they could find was a fish-eyed British lady with a big head.
Cherry
Unsurprising. Hollywood only ever had three fat actresses, and now they’re all on Danish weight loss drugs.
Faith
You’re so much prettier than that actress, Cherry.
Honny
That goes without saying.
Joy
I’ll say it. You’re WAY prettier!!
Honny
You should have had the right to approve your likeness.
Cherry
It’s NOT me.
It was never me. And if I watch this trailer, it’s just going to be one more thing I can’t unsee and that I can’t do anything
about.
Honny
I guess that’s fair . . .
Cherry
Thanks for your permission, Honny.
Faith
Sorry, Cherry. We’ll stop talking about it.
Honny
. . . to YOU.
We’re still going to talk about it amongst ourselves. We’re going to mock this film at every turn.
Joy
Does this mean another group thread???? My life is already too complicated!!