Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
COLBY
I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t even get myself to look up the stats from today’s game—the one I should have been at. And all I want in the world is some sage advice from my father. Only, I’m terrified to call him because I’m afraid he’ll be disappointed in me.
How nuts is that? I’m twenty-six years old and afraid my daddy will be angry that I kissed a boy.
Okay, it’s more than kissing a boy. And it’s Jayden. And I am so in love with him. And I’m also a little disappointed that my father told him not to pursue me, that he would ruin my life.
Look who’s ruining whose life now?
I pull apart the two pieces of stale white bread and dip my finger into the peanut butter I smoothed in between them, licking my fingertip clean.
I haven’t eaten in more than a day, but even though my stomach keeps growling, my appetite can’t seem to kick into gear.
Perhaps if I actually grocery shopped and had something other than dry bread and fat free peanut butter?
I toss my attempt at a meal in the trash, then return my attention to my phone. I open my text string with my dad and send him a quick note.
ME: Are you on the field?
It’s summer ball back home, and my dad runs a pretty popular program for incoming freshmen. If a young player has any hopes of making the team during the school year, they show up for summer ball.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
DAD: I got a minute. Call?
Hmm. I might need more than a minute. He takes the choice away, however, calling me about two seconds after texting.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I say when I answer.
“You’re not. I’ve got my seniors here today. They’re running drills. I put a twenty-spot on the cone at home plate. Nobody’s hit it with a throw yet.”
I chuckle, recalling the time my dad invited me and the softball team out my senior year and let us compete against the guys for his precious twenty. Actually, it was a ten-spot back then. Three of the softball players nailed it from centerfield, and my dad ended up coughing up thirty bucks.
“How was the series? I saw Adriel’s back up again. He did well today. Hope he wasn’t too much to handle.”
I sniffle, not able to hold my emotions at bay.
“Colby, aww, what’s wrong?”
My chest constricts, and it’s hard to breathe.
“I messed up, Daddy. I think I really messed up,” I choke out.
“Oh, no. I’m sure you didn’t. Talk to me. One second—” A whistle blasts in the background, and my father shouts, “Brenden, run them through one more time!”
I manage to stop my lips from quivering long enough to exhale and calm my wavering voice.
“Talk to me, kid. Let’s fix this.”
Oh, shoot.
“I maybe, sort of . . .” Oh, God! “I sort of . . .”
“Colby, spit it out,” he says, chuckling.
“I slept with Jayden,” I blurt. My dad’s laughing stops—dead.
I slap my palm over my face, and I don’t know if I want to crawl under this bed or cry.
“Uhm, okay. Well . . .” My dad’s discomfort is obvious. Obvious—seems that word is following me around lately.
“It wasn’t like that. I mean . . . it was. But it’s not just, well, it’s not a physical thing.”
My father clears his throat. “I understand, Colby.” He doesn’t sound angry. But I wouldn’t exactly categorize his tone as positive, either. He’s definitely not thrilled.
“Dad, I love him,” I say, having my head on straight enough to know it’s best to start with why this is so serious. I don’t want my dad treating this as an indiscretion, or something I can sweep away. It’s not. I won’t.
“Ah, I see,” he says.
“Yeah,” I breathe out in a sigh.
A lengthy silence stretches between us, and I use the time to sort my thoughts.
“It’s always been Jay,” I say.
“I know.” His response surprises me, and it takes me a few seconds to let it sink in.
“If you knew, then why”—I bite my lip, not sure how to say the words—“Keep us apart.”
“I was wrong,” he says. “Back then. When I told Jayden not to ruin things for you. I was wrong. It was wrong of me to do.”
I sit with his almost apology for a moment.
“You figured he told me?” I ask.
“I figured it was a matter of time. And when I found out you’d be working together, well, I had to just give it up to your mom’s work. You know she always wanted you two together. I kind of think this was her chess move.” His voice is lighter.
“I could see that. She was an amazing planner. Seems fitting that she put all this in motion,” I say with a soft laugh.
The two of us sit with her memory for a few seconds.
Though I need my father’s advice on the hard part of all of this.
As difficult as it was to tell him I slept with Jayden, telling him it put my job in danger is going to be harder.
And since my father doesn’t know how social media works, I’ll spare him the viral trash spreading around online about my past—about mom.
“Coach thinks it’s clouding my judgement,” I finally say.
“It’s not. Is it?” My father—right to the point.
“Of course not. I mean, I don’t think so. But . . . I don’t know for sure. Maybe?” I have been so staunch about my line in the sand—that I would never give Jayden special treatment—but it’s possible I drive him harder because of my personal feelings.
My father surprises me again with a light chuckle.
“I’m glad you’re amused,” I snap. “I got sent home from Little Rock. You know, to think about my actions.”
“And have you? Thought about them?” he asks.
“It’s literally all I think about. They’re going to fire me. Or ship me off to Double A. Or fire me.”
He laughs again.
“Kid, they aren’t going to fire you. You want this to be about proving yourself regardless of your gender, but I gotta tell you, your gender makes terminating you a PR nightmare.
So, I wouldn’t worry about that. They aren’t going to tout how progressive they are, then go back on it a month and a half into this thing.
Now, they probably won’t let you work with Jay anymore, and they might force you two to cool it. ”
“I can’t pretend I don’t love him, Dad.”
“No, I know. But perhaps if you can make it less—”
“I swear to God, if you say obvious.”
“Well, I was.”
I groan. I’m sure my father is confused at my distaste for that word.
“Here’s the important thing, Colby. I want you to listen to this and take it to heart.” His voice cracks a bit, so I sit up and press my phone tight against my ear.
“Yeah,” I say, bracing myself.
“You deserve to be there, doing that job. Not because you’re the first woman they’ve had do it. But because you’re the best person for the job.”
My eyes pool with renewed tears, happier ones, and I clutch my chest as one slides down my cheek.
“Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
“I love you, too. And hey, Colby?”
“Hmm?” I respond. My father is quiet for a few long seconds, so I hold my breath, giving him time.
“I meant what I said about you and Jay. I shouldn’t have . . . he’s not his brother . . . or his dad. He’s . . .”
“He knows, Dad. He knows,” I say, letting my dad off the hook. He loves Jayden like a son. He believes in him. In my heart, I know Jayden knows, too.
I let my dad go back to his practice, and I start a new round of pacing around my hotel room, my steps a little lighter.
I’m still not entirely on board with my dad’s theory that I won’t get fired or demoted, but my soul feels good having talked to him about Jayden.
It feels good to set the truth free, even if it’s only among family.
My stomach growls again, so I grab my keys and phone, committing to heading to Earl’s for a burger or maybe a basket of fries. But when I open the door, Jayden is filling the frame, his arm poised for a knock. I jump back, startled, and he does the same.
“You’re here?” I glance at the clock on my nightstand. There’s no way he finished the game and got to me in this short of time.
“Yeah, I said the same about you. You’re here, and you shouldn’t be.”
He steps into my room and closes the door behind him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to ruin your game,” I say.
“Fuck the game,” he fires back.
My eyes blink wildly. Those are words that neither of us would ever dream of saying. This game . . . it’s our steady. It’s the rule of law.
“How are you here?” I ask.
“I flew,” he says, flashing a smirk at his lame joke as he drops his travel bag by his feet.
I twist awkwardly as the two of us stare at one another in silence in the middle of my hotel room.
“I told Coach I was coming back to check on you.”
I shake with a short laugh but soon read in his expression that he’s serious.
“And he just, what . . . let you?” It’s a far different sendoff than I got.
He shakes his head.
“He wasn’t happy about it. But after I almost punched Bastion in the face, he was open to giving me a game off to cool down.”
“You . . . almost punched Bastion in the face?” I picture it, and while my eyes widen with concern, my lips curl in satisfaction.
Jayden shrugs one shoulder.
“Yeah, he pushed my buttons. And I’m sure he said something to someone to start that crap online. Colby, I’m so sorry—”
I shake my head.
“It’s fine. I’m a big girl.” I sniffle, faking inner strength. Jayden’s head falls to the side, though, and I break slightly under his scrutiny.
“Okay, it’s not fine. But it is what it is. It’s not what’s getting me fired.”
“Did Coach fire you?” Jayden closes the distance between us quickly, and slides his hand down my arm, taking my hand.
It’s my turn to shrug. “Not yet.”
“Don’t talk like that.” He brings his other hand to my cheek, and my skin tingles with the desperate want to simply fall into him and forget about all of this. Only, I can’t. I’m consumed with it.
“Jayden, do you know why I still live in a hotel room?”
He shakes his head.
“Because when I started, Coach told me not to invest in a lease I might have to break. The front office pays my hotel bill weekly, but never in advance. The easy-out clause for me is so obvious. Nothing about my time here is permanent. I’m not you.”